All Comments on 'The First Encounter'

i would have had him press her breasts against the tile and taken her from behind. He needs to sheathe himself in her tight muscles.

I'm afraid that what you have in your head is not translating well. This is meant to be constructive, so I hope you will take it that way.

Oh, my eyes. I see huge paragraphs, unbroken by dialogue. They've been apart for so long yet have nothing to say to each other before the sex starts?

" For a moment they said nothing to each other," Other than one "I love you" and "Pass me the shampoo" later on, they never say anything to each other.There is zero sense of urgency or any heat in this coupling. It's just an enormous list of who did what to whom. Shorter sentences and paragraphs convey excitement much better.

You keep switching points of view without even making new lines.

I would put this into Word or whatever, hunt down all the "Begans" and remove them.

"Desire began to pulse through her body" = "Desire pulsed through her."

Firmly, gently, slowly, softly, faintly, delicately - way too many adverbs.

Thanks for the constructive feedback. I've been working through an updated version of this based on similar feedback from other users. I hope you'll check out the new version when it is ready

I can see this has a personal meaning for you, but if you want others to feel it you need to make changes.

You're missing a bunch of commas, which do matter.

'You're so sexy(comma) my Princess.'

'That's it(comma) Roman"

"'I love you(comma) Julia.' You always have to put a comma before a name or even an endearment in dialogue.

'Do it. Fuck me(comma)' she said(comma) full of sexual excitement as she widened her legs to receive him.

The switches between "penis" and "cock" are kind of strange.

None of your dialogue has quotation marks?? "These are quotation marks." 'These are apostrophes.' Apostrophes do not enclose dialogue.

You might want to brush up on basic punctuation and read the reviews on the forum by people like Lien Geller. It's worth your while if you want to get better.