The Fundamentals of Friendship Pt. 02

"We dated for six years or so when we were kids." I said, avoiding Rocco's heavy gaze.

"Why did you end it?" He asked. His voice didn't betray the slight surprise at my confession.

I raised my eyes to his. "Why do you assume I was the one to end it?" He didn't answer me. "We ended it when we were in college." I continued. "He was in the West Coast, I was in the East. It wasn't really working. So we broke up, but remained friends."

He pressed his lips into a rigid line, nodding slowly. "Were you still in love with him?"

"What?" It was hard to believe all the things I was hearing in one single night.

"When you broke it up, were you still in love with him?" He repeated the question slowly, as if I were retarded and needed slow paced words to comprehend speech.

Rocco was cunning. A successful businessman. Just like with Miss Lawyer Suzanne, I would have to remember to be careful with my words and actions around him.

"Yes." I answered him sincerely. Rocco could read people well, lying to him wouldn't be smart. "We didn't fight or anything. It was just hard, you know, to be apart. We didn't deal well with the distance."

He gave me that annoying nod again. The kind of nod you get from disappointed people. "Why didn't you mention your past relationship when you told me about him?" He asked, brushing a thumb on the corner of his mouth.

"Why didn't I tell you I had dated my best friend when we were drinking wine and having our first date? I don't know, Rocco. I just didn't!" I threw my hands up, feeling the need to stand on my feet. "That was 14 years ago, Rocco. He's my best friend. He's always been there when I needed him. We had no reason not be friends after the relationship ended." My blood was boiling, but my words came out smoothly enough. The night had been long, I was tired enough to collapse. I just desperately needed it to be over. "I don't go around introducing him the ex-boyfriend, you know. He's my friend. He's like a brother. I don't know what you want me to say."

Rocco just stared at me in silence for a few seconds. "Alright, bella. I understand. I was just surprised, that's all." He finally said, wearing a flimsy mask of calmness. He reached a hand to stroke my cheek. "I think you are a beautiful, intelligent woman, Laura. I can see myself with a woman like you. But I need to be sure you can see the same future I do. I can't afford to waste my time."

As gentle as I could be, I brushed his hand away. "Waste your time on me, you mean?"

"I'd hate to waste my time on anything." He said with indifference.

"Right." He wasn't wrong. He was being honest. He was plainly asking me not to string him along.

So far Rocco had been nothing but good to me. Then he caught me in a warm embrace with a man I had deliberately not told him was my ex-boyfriend. He had a right to want an explanation. I owned him an explanation. I realized I had done to Rocco the same thing Riley had done to me. Riley had, voluntarily, not told me he had dated Suzanne. And I, in turn, had hidden from Rocco my past relationship with Ry.

I was a gigantic hypocrite, that's what I was.

I took one of Rocco's big hands in mine. "I'm here, Rocco. I like you. I want to try this if you're willing. But don't ask me to chose between you and my best friend."

"Because you'd choose him?" He blurted.

I flinched, dropping his hand. "No, Rocco. I wouldn't choose anyone, because there wouldn't be any choice to me made. He's my damn friend. You are my-" I stopped. What was he? At this point I wasn't sure he was anything anymore.

"I'm your what?" He asked, challengingly.

"What do you want to be?" I asked boldly, raising my chin.

He actually pointed a finger at my face and could not have sounded more latin a man when he said, "I'm your man." Then his expression softened, but not enough to lighten the heavy aura between us. "Riley is your friend. And I would never dare ask you to choose between us. I simply sensed some hostility coming from him."

I groaned, if in frustration or exhaustion, I couldn't say. "He's just being my friend, Rocco. He just wants to make sure you're as good to me as I told him you are." I waited for his reply, but he gave me none. I assumed he had nothing else to say on the matter. "I'm really tired. Can we, please, go to bed now?"

"I'm not sleeping here tonight."

"What? Why?"

"I have an early meeting with Miss Evans and you need to rest. I'd hate to wake you up so early in the morning after all the work you had today. We'll both be more comfortable if I sleep at my hotel." He placed two fingers on the crinkled spot between my brows. "I'll stop by the bistro when I'm done so we can have lunch together. Is that alright?"

His meeting was nowhere near the reason why he wouldn't stay, but I had no energy for another discussion, so I agreed. "Ok."

He gave me an unfeeling, antiseptic kiss on the mouth. "Bye, Laura". Laura, not bella.

I waited until the door was closed behind him to let my nervous tears flow. As tired as I was I knew I would never be able to sleep. Luckily, I had an entire dinner party worth of mess to clean. There's nothing like cleaning to take one's mind out of problems.

***

RILEY

Sometimes you say things without really knowing why you said them. The words just come stumbling out of your mouth. Sometimes people say I love you without really feeling it. It's automatic. It's part of being human, I suppose; to say things you don't really mean. Sometimes the current is too strong. It drags you in until you're neck deep in water then, soon enough, It's over your head. And you're drowning.

Ultimately it all came down to one single mistake. The mistake I made the morning after my 30th birthday when Laura asked me what had happened the night before. I should've told her then. I should've told her the truth.

I still love you. I still want you. That's what happened.

Instead I lied. To Laura and to myself. I convinced myself that she'd been too drunk, completely out of her face, to really mean what she had said.

I love you, Riley. She said it all the time. You're my best friend and I love you. But because she constantly said she loved me as a friend I knew the difference. I knew that when she said those words on my birthday, high and drunk as she was, she had meant something else. That was the kind of I love you I used to get when she was mine.

Those words scared the shit out of me. I tried to tell her she was drunk, she didn't know what she was talking about, but she kept telling me over and over again I love you, Riley. I love you, Riley until she kissed me. She kissed me for the first time in 8 years. And when she did I found I had wanted her to kiss me. I could've stopped her. I was sober enough to know what I was doing, I remember everything about that night in graphic details. I remember Laura moaning my name, encouraging me to go on, to touch her. I remember the sex had been so good, so intense that she even came this one time with me hardly touching her. Just with my mouth latched onto one nipple.

How insane was it? I made her come just by sucking on a fucking nipple and now I was losing her. Losing her might not even be the right term. How could I lose something I didn't have?

I took Laura for granted.

I lied one of those lies you just tell without even thinking, without a reason. I have no idea what happened, Ells. Guess we just drank too much. She believed me. She had no reason to think I was lying. Every second that passed after that lie left my lips was torture. I watched her search for her clothes, put them on, not at all minding my watchful eyes. Why would she? I had seen her naked too many times to count. She sat on the bed and asked "Are we ok? This isn't going to be awkward, is it? Was just a silly mistake." She thought it was a mistake. I thought it was the best thing that could've happened to us. But she thought it was a mistake, so I had agreed with her. I believed her as she had believed me. "Yeah. It was a mistake. We were drunk."

The mistake was not telling her what I really felt. What I really wanted. I settled for a situation I wasn't happy with. Other opportunities knocked on my door. There was a second, a third chance. But I didn't speak up when I should've. That mistake came back to bite my ass. Of all the stupid things you believe in when you're young, to think you have unlimited time and you can sort your shit out tomorrow might the stupidest of them all.

I was out of chances. Now Rocco had stepped in.

To say taking Suzanne to Laura's dinner party was another mistake was an understatement. To say going at all was a mistake didn't even begin to cover it. On the bright side, I had finally met Mr. Perfect and was relieved to find he wasn't perfect at all -or I liked to think he wasn't. I could understand his appeal, though. He was handsome, charming, rich, perfect. One of those man with everything in their favor. The kind of man any woman would want to have a relationship with because it would be safe, biologically desirable.

He sure would have beautiful, healthy babies. I cringed at the thought. He wasn't even Laura's type. However perfect he seemed to be, he also was a conceited jerk who gave himself airs.

At some point during the night he invited me for a drink I would've loved to have refused. Laura never told me if she had mentioned our past, or even current, relationship to Rocco. Regardless of her informing him or not, he seemed to have understood things on his own; what he made, if not clear, implicit as soon as he got the chance.

"So, Riley. I understand you and Laura are best friends." His tone of voice had been even, though I could've sworn I heard some contempt poured into the last couple words. His smile was the kind only a businessman could give you. Feigned, but bright enough to make you think it was real.

"We are." I hand't troubled myself with fake amiability.

Rocco had only nodded. I could tell, he was the kind of guy who nodded a lot.

The situation was clearly going to be a competition rather than a conversation. So I had used what little ammunition I possessed. "I've known her since we were kids."

He'd poured whisky into two glasses, not bothering to ask me whether I cared for the drink or not.

I didn't.

"She's a beautiful woman." He'd offered me the glass which I had accepted in spite of my dislike for its content.

"Yes, she is." I'd agreed because, seriously, what else could I have said?

"Miss Evans is quite lovely, Riley." He'd lifted his glass, pointing it in Suzanne's direction, where she stood talking to Laura. "You're a lucky man."

There is an unspoken rule to the kind of conversation between two men who have their eye on the same woman. He had managed to be alone with me so he could mark his territory. Make clear he'd won. He'd won her.

"How long are you staying for, Rocco?" I'd blurted the question, diverting the subject from my luck to him.

He'd turned his calculating eyes on me. "I'm not certain, but I am staying, Riley." He'd stated that as though it were set in stone. Fated to happen.

"Right. So, where is it that you live, exactly?" I'd asked, moving my index finger in the air as if trying to pinpoint his habitat on an invisible map.

Rocco had spun to me then, and our parallel tall frames put us face to face. I had thought perhaps he'd punch me or something. By the look on his face he would've liked that. "I have means to live anywhere I wish to."

The perks of being a rich son of a bitch.

"But Laura-"

"Laura and I," He'd objected. "We have talked about such things. She understands our particular situation."

A wave of anger swept through me. He talked about her like he would a prize he'd won at a fair. He didn't know her, not like I did. Yet, I had to admit he had earned the right to say that, hadn't he? Laura and I. It was Laura and him. Even if I believed myself to be more deserving of her, he was the one who had her. The one who had fought for her.

I had stood there with my chest puffed and my head high, wearing a mask of pride as I gazed directly into Rocco's eyes. "Look, Rocco. I don't mean to sound rude nor territorial, but I fear my position in Laura's life demands it." His eyes studied me with anticipation. "I love her. She's my best friend. It's my job to take care of her."

"Laura doesn't strike me as the kind of woman who needs taking care of."

"Well, she doesn't. But I know her better than you." His eyes narrowed. "I hope you're as good to her as she thinks you are." My words had sounded more like a threat than I had hoped, betraying my petty jealousy.

Rocco had sipped his whisky, making a point of looking me in the eyes as he spoke, "Don't worry, Riley. I mean to take very good care of her. I wouldn't want to know what it feels like to lose her."

I had drank the foul burning whisky to aid in the descending of my pride down my throat and left that conversation with my tail in between my legs.

The memory of my little time with Rocco made my grip on the steering wheel, while I drove Suzanne back to her apartment, hard enough to white my knuckles. She was sitting right beside me while I swallowed my jealousy over another woman. And I wanted to think Rocco was the jerk. The irony.

The night had presented me with one surprise after the other. One of the biggest surprises, though, had been Rocco's acquaintance with Suzanne. Of course she also thought he was perfect. And what a small damn world.

But the biggest surprise of all had been Laura's behaviour towards Suzanne. For a moment there I thought she'd jump at her throat and her rip her jugular with her teeth. If I didn't know her so well I'd say she was jealous. Or maybe I had wanted her to be jealous. Maybe, deep down, that was the reason why I had taken Suzanne to that dinner. To make Laura jealous. Now that would be awfully conceited of me, wouldn't it?

Suzanne's reappearance in my life had been a blessing. We spent the whole month together, reminiscing old times, reconnecting, remembering the old and getting to know the little new things about each other. The thing about Sue, the thing that eventually made me infatuated with her at university was that, when I was around her, I forgot I missed Laura. I didn't look at Suzanne and wished she was Laura. I didn't compare her to Laura. I was able to see her for who she was and not who I wanted her to be.

With everything that had happened; Laura's time in Paris, her meeting Rocco, telling me she wanted children and a steady relationship with someone within the next five years of her life, plus my unexpected encounter with my college ex-girlfriend; I needed some time.

It was a silent understanding between Laura and myself, after the heavy talk we had had that night, that we would both need some time apart. I hadn't intended for it to be so long, though. Later, from some dark, unknown place, came a burst of courage or maybe just sheer stupidity, that made me admit to her half of the truth. I could've easily told her all of it. Told I loved her then and still loved her now.

I had missed her. Terribly. But Sue was back in my life. I had allowed her to settle back into her old position. A buffer for my feelings for Laura, which wasn't fair to anyone, most of all to Sue herself. I was, once again, being a such a coward I was disgusted with myself.

And, anyway, I was later than ever. Telling Laura I loved her now, with Rocco and Suzanne in our lives, wouldn't be fair. Nor right. Calling Sue just a buffer or a rebound was the worst of all. She was more than that. I had almost loved her once.

Be all that as it may, I couldn't shake the insane urge to turn the car back around and drive back to Laura's to finally tell her all I felt. All I wanted. I had Sophia to blame for that. Of all the dinner's eventualities, my talk with her was the craziest peak of the night. That girl has always been crazy. Some point after dinner, I had found myself alone with her.

"You and my sister are like mouths, Riley." She'd said, starting that conversation the way she always did, picking out some subject and just throwing it right into the middle of another.

"Mouths?" I had laughed at her. "What the hell does that mean, Sophie?"

"It means your mouths are right under your noses but you can't see it. You know it's there but you don't fucking see it."

"What?"

"What do you think of Rocco?" Sophie could really confuse a man. She'd change subjects really fast, always talking about what she wanted, not really caring about whether you were listening to her or not. She has always been funny. Her 'I give a fuck switch' was constantly off.

"He's alright, I guess." I had lied very badly.

"It's ok, Riley." She'd said, purposely nudging me." You can say you don't like him, he's your competition."

"My competition?"

"If I were you, Riley, I'd tell her soon." That was the moment the conversation took a strange turn.

"Tell her what?" That was a dispensable question. Of course I knew what. Although I never expected Sophie to know it too.

She had dismissed me as if I'd said nothing. "I really love my sister, like not even you can imagine. But she's not very smart when it comes to man. Laura's a little slow. Remember when you two were 15? She was crazy about you, you were crazy about her, but she thought you'd never care for the likes of her so she made you believe it, too. Remember who showed you the light?"

"You did." Not even if I lived a hundred years would I forget the day when the 13 year old Sophia called the 15 old me out for being a blind idiot.

"I was 13 and already smarter than the two of you put together. Laura never could tell when a guy was into her." At that point Sophia set her drink down, put her hands on my shoulders and looked at me with a seriousness I never knew she was capable of mustering. "Now, because I love my sister and because I happen to like you too, I'm going to give you another advice, Riley."

"What advice?"

"Tell her you love her before you lose her for good, because Rocco means business." She had fixed the deep brown she shared with Laura in my shocked face. "Don't just stand there hoping she'll see the light for herself because she can't see her mouth under her nose. You have to tell her it's there. She might know you really well, but she can't read your mind. She's not a fucking Jedi, you know. Tell her you love her Riley. Tell her or you'll lose her and she won't even know you ever wanted her back." Casually, as though she hadn't even stirred the deepest shit I hid, she picked her glass up and took a calm, long sip.

I always thought I was so damn subtle. That no one knew. That no one could, because I hid it well.

Someone knows it though, Riley. It's not a secret anymore.

"You see everything, don't you, Sophie?"

She'd given me a tender smile. "Riley. I want Laura to be happy. I don't really care who makes her happy. You or Rocco is all the same to me, but not to her."

"You're saying she pref-"

"I'm saying you should tell her how you feel about her. You still have time."

Was it so obvious how I felt about Laura? Could everyone see? Could she see it?

"How did you know, Sophie?"

She'd given me a look that all but said I was an idiot for asking her that. "How did I know? The same way I know the sky is blue, the leaves are green and all that shit. I have eyes."

"It's that obvious, huh?"

"It is to someone who knows the two of you well. Now go over there before Lo murders your pretty date."

Whether Sophia knew the hope she'd just given me or not, I felt an enormous sense of gratitude towards her. Enough to compel me to hug her. "Thanks, Soph."