All Comments on 'The Holiday Pt. 02'

"The trip to the mainland was about one hundred and fifty miles and took another four hours ..."

That’d be about 38 mph, which is far too fast for a Coastguard cutter!!

Americans use lawyers not solicitors. Great story though.

Just trying to figure out if I missed something. When Tony finds these girls, you say that that Wendy is 19 and Linda is 18. Then later in the year they both have a birthday. When the girls are finished with high school, you tell us that Linda may have a problem moving in with Tony and Wendy because she is not 18 yet..........? ? ? Otherwise, I enjoyed this.

Very nice story. Both parts held my interest but honestly should have been broken into smaller parts.

Very good story! The main distraction is you should have kept it in GB instead of the USA. Your knowledge of American culture is a bit wonky and jarring to us Yanks. It pulls one out of the story when you use the wrong social queues. Ex. Most American states allow temporary drivers licenses at 15 1/2. Full licensure at 16. To not have a license at age 18 is extreamly rare, except in very large citys (New York). Still, all in all a very good story.

Part 3 would be good - so please consider it

A glorified and barely "legal" statutory rape fantasy featuring a somewhat edgy "harem king". With a few touches it could have been extremely erotic instead of disturbing.

And, sure, a little wonky in the UK, (or was it Australian?) to US structuring, but good all the same. You - or an editor - could probably trim three pages out of part one, and maybe four out of part two.

A part three, while not essential, will be welcomed.

Loved both part 1 & part 2 kept me reading and wanting to find out what happens next.

Don't listen to the negativity some people just pick on small details rather than the sex and erotic parts.

Would love to know where this can go next, keep writing.

This story was written for my own pleasure and to see if I could do it. The ages of the girls originally were 17 and 16 which are legal in my own country, I upgraded them to publish them here but not completely successfully it seems. The story started from a dream sequence in the cave and developed from there. This is my first effort and I appreciate the constructive comments, both good and not so good and will edit future stories before posting. At this time there are no plans for a part 3 but I will consider it.

But please resubmit with the ages properly changed to be consistent with over 18 bit. Also for the college - university education bit. Is it normal for someone who is 20 to finish a law degree and sit for the bar? If it is in wherever the author lives, then suggest you should set the story there. At 18 Linda is not a minor so is not hamstrung by those laws of needing older carers.

You write well, but the slioups detract.

You have also not brought up the dead guy on the island which conveniently skipped the guys memory.

I can see police investigation into him with 2 parental bodies dying around him. Assuming the island body is a father of one girl. Then drunk momma dies when he starts dating Vicky. He coukd be accumulating lonely girls for his own amusement.

Thanks great story but add more please.

It’s always funny when British people set their stories in the United States. Personally, I think that overall setting is more determined by conversations than locations. How did all these random Brits with British colloquialisms end up together in the United States and nobody noticed? It would be better to place it all in England where the language matched setting. Consequently, this lovely story always had an air of unreality about it.

I only have one complaint about the story. In part one of the story the girls were 18 and 19, which would make them of legal age for sex in any state in the US, but in part 2 of the story a year later suddenly Linda is only 17 and her grand parents were concerned about her moving in with the other three and would mean that all the sex Tony and the girls were having with Linda would be illegal and in fact a felony for Tony. since he was in he=is mid 20's at the time. Plus Litrotica would not have allowed the story to me published if Linda was not at least 18 when she had sex with any of them.

Also I felt that you rushed the last part of the story. It was like you realized the story was going long and had said it was only a two part story so you had to turn on a time warp and speed through the last part to finish it. I would have much rather you said "Hay sorry but the story got away from me and I'll finish the story in a third part". Other then that I felt the story was great and I look forward to your next story.

You are correct about the ending of The Holiday, I didn't think that there was enough to make a third part so did an epilogue instead. You are not the first reader to ask for a part three and I may revisit the story at some point. But I have two more stories on the go at the moment, one short and based in the UK another slightly longer one that takes place there and in Europe that I want to finish first.

Thanks

Firefly1z

If you don't know how people speak in the US, why would you make your charaters americans? Solicitor/barrister = lawyer, accountancy = accounting, We never have called university uni, more likely that they would say college instead. We don't really have driving lessons, they are usually more like self study and we just show up for diving exams, no appointment needed. Also, they likely would have all been driving by the time they were this age. public transportation here is spotty and localized and driving a car is a necessity. your setting was a huge mistake and ruined the critical suspension of disbelief that a fictional story requires.

I love your other stories but the use of British idiomatic language really detracts from the story. They would never say ‘uni’. Just ‘college’. Basically within two paragraphs you realize that the writer is British and could in no way be from Florida.

If I made up an otherwise great story set in Liverpool and then said “I’m super psyched to go to the Liverpool soccer game this weekend.” It would throw you. Or if I said “yo brah, I’m goin to see my lawyer”, you would doubt the person is actually from there.

Hi thanks for the Great read and for a story that has an ending that you can come back to and add more if you want Well done!!!!!

in america the girls are over 18 social service would not get involved

in america people get driving licences at 16 not 19

in america we dont have solicitors or barristers, we have lawyers

in america no one cares if people over the age of 18 fuck

Its totally cool to write a story not set in american locals - but if you do get the terms right

You really really should have stopped this story after pt.1, and Tony is not a good person, not even a little bit.

I just read it again after a couple of years. I like it even better than before and I love the epilogue. Thanks for the great story and mental images that stir a lot of feelings in the groin. Did you ever go back to the island?

Thanks for your compliment, this was my first attempt at creating a story. It has a few errors in it but on the whole, my readers liked it, so I have continued writing. At the moment I am working on a few short stories after some long ones, but don't have any plans for revisiting that particular story again.

While the first part had a lot of drama over the two weeks of the island, the second half started off with a bang and fizzled out like a two stage firework with the second charge a dud disappointing expectation.

In reality, groups from major youth drama like this very rarely stay together. It has also been shown that group family situations very rarely keep together due to competing adult dynamics.

You should have ended it after with six months after rescue, one of Tony’s island girls finds a committed lover, one still with Tony either also leaves or ends up pregnant by Tony as she quits school to start a family. Then one epilogue ten years later where the threesome meets in a happenstance at a theme park and they have dinner for old times sake.

A great storey, a bit far fetched in places, but hey it’s fiction, overall I enjoyed it. For your first storey a really great effort. Please continue writing stories I like your style. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Good story, but sadly not up to the first episode, Ep2 seemed as if it went from contrived scene to contrived scene, with little effect on the overall story arc. My one HUGE issue is Tony effectively hiding a body on the island and no mention of it ever again, that is “Concealing a death” it’s an offence here in the U.K., and I’m fairly sure it’s similar in the USA. Whilst we’re on the subject of USA vs U.K. and commenters below getting arsey about incorrect legal terms, I’ve lost count of the American writers that consistently get fundamental details of everyday life here in the U.K. wrong, yes it’s not fun to see details about your country etc written incorrectly, but it happens through poor Beta reader choice, Authors, please if you’re writing about a country you aren’t native to - get it fact checked by someone who is please.

Otherwise an ok story, 4⭐️

Great story overall, quite sad really that Vicky decided not to have children. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Lucky bugger, I'm jealous of him.

Pity they wasnt on the island abit longer, and exchange little of the constant sex they was having for more action around the island