All Comments on 'The Hunters Surprise'

Did you use a DeLorean or a TARDIS to get these things?

A friend that has an antique film processing machine and another who's a PI?

Wife is a prostitute (because all the top end escorts are middle aged suburban housewives)?

If you had thrown in a black guy with a 10 inch dick you could have covered all the bases...

...but I didn=t like the typos.

What I will say in favour of the story is that its portrayal of a cheating wife's reaction and ensuing attitude to her infidelity was very believable and realistic, compared to the repentant, grovelling wives in most other stories.

Not a terrible story, but you could really use an editor...

There were problems with tense, with the apostrophes, with ownership, with sentence structure. The language was incredibly stilted, and you had description of actions mid-conversation within the quotes.

The worst part of the editing is that I did not believe for a second a Captain of a cruise vessel would waste his time listening to the ravings of an idiot about how great his sex life was, conversations recited and all that malarky. Seriously, the framing of the story was messy and the resolution was unnecessary. In fact the whole cruise part was unnecessary.

I also felt zero emotion in the story, or in the speech of the characters.

If you could grab an editor to clean up the multitude of errors in the text and to offer help in making the story flow better, and make it more relatable then you'd have a winner.

I understand his separation strategy and I have actually seen in employed by people that I know. Here are some issues with the story

1. Nobody use 35 mm film anymore. Digital is cheaper, easier, quieter and better. It also does not need anyone to develop it for you.

2. He should have recorded his confrontation with his wife. When she admitted bringing men to his house and screwing them in their bed, that is probably enough to get her declared unfit and get custody.

3. Why not stick her in the basement room, she is the slut that caused the problem?

4. Once he had proof she was a whore, that is the end of everything for her. With that information he could get her to sign off on everything and tell her to go away. Typically there is drug use involved with that career choice as well. He could turn that information over to the police and get her arrested and declared unfit.

5. Why have anything to do with her ever again? She is a whore, she doesn't give a shit about anyone, including herself.

Do you guys know when this was set? No it isn't clear, but I would imagine it was early 90's or something given the camera and Radio Shack. The author could have made it more clear, but don't assume every story is written about current time.

It's like idiots who complain about stories not having an end because they can't accept that some authors want to leave things unresolved.

So if this is what it looks like after it was edited, was it even recognizable as English before it was edited?

So he sits down to talk to the Captain of the ship and tells him the story of his marriage, and then gets incredibly graphic, telling the Captain things like "I had my finger working on her butt hole, and my tongue was licking her clitoris into a frenzy. She lost it and started to cum like a river, and there was no way I could lick it all up. I could feel it run down my chin and over my hand that is finger fucking her ass. " That seems realistic.

So the wife has been fucking around for 5 years, and he is clueless. Must have been a really deep and intimate relationship. And it was all because she wanted more sex, but he didn't know that? OK. Not much of a marriage to lose.

Then he just lives with her as a house mate, but the kids are not disturbed. And we are told nothing of what they told the children. In fact the kids just appeared to be props, with no lives, no characters, no involvement in the estranged marriage and their mother's becoming a paid whore. And no mention of how all this was explained and accepted by their extended families or mutual friends.

So it was all kind of plastic and contrived, with no depth or emotion or reason to care about any of these people. But thanks for trying.

This went nowhere. It had no plot and no conflict. It appears that English is your second language. You really should find an editor.

I agree with some comments...This story has almost no emotions...The ex-wife was like a ice cube that only melted with money...However in the end he got a woman with an heart...3*

It is simply badly designed. The cruise ship captain intro makes no sense from the premise of asking him how to propose to telling him the intimate details of sexual encounters with the ex-wife. Jan is not fleshed out enough to even be a cardboard cutout of a character.

Prenup and a plan. This is a lesson in words on why it's absolutely imperative for any man thinking about marriage to have a plan in case it goes sour. A prenup should just be an absolute must no matter what. Face it, our society has become a cheating slut paradise with the husband almost assured of getting screwed by the legal system as he pays his wife to fuck around. Not every plan has to end in the cheaters ending up in an unmarked grave, although that can be done if you have the right plan in place, but trying to plan right in the middle of your life falling apart is not a good idea. Much better if you make a plan before the marriage and update it on a regular basis. It's only self defense when you consider just how much the legal system is biased towards women. I just don't see living with a slut while she fucks every guy and/or gal willing to touch her skanky probably diseased ass.

The story was ok, but never took into account how the children felt about her cheating. Also, if he had proof she was a prostitute and a tax cheat he had leverage to force her into a divorce on his terms, why didn't he? Then too the issues of family, friends and the wife's job were ignored. All relevant issues when dealing with cheating sluts and prostitutes.

So overall it's a sad story about a guy who let himself get screwed over by his cheating slut of a whore wife.

It was certainly better than the disgusting crap posted over the last several days in LW. It wasn't a great story. Mr. Tempest, you're a good story teller but you have major technical issues with English. You change tenses in the middle of sentences, use the wrong verb tense, don't understand the possessive, and your language is very stilted. You seem to have never heard of contractions.

You wrote, "Captain, I would like to ask my girlfriend Tracie Adams to marry me on Valentine's day. What would be the proper procedure on how to accomplish this?" I asked.

No one speaks like this. It's like reading a textbook. It should be revised so that your character doesn't sound like a robot. "Captain, my girlfriend, Tracie Adams, and I want to get married on Valentines Day. How can we make that happen?"

Use contractions wherever possible. That's what people do. You need to fire your editor and get one that will help you and actually knows English. It's a shame to let bad editing detract from a good story.

That being said, I liked the story and want to read more from you. At least your male characters aren't sucking cocks or eating other men's cum out of some slut. Keep writing, just get an editor.

Your basic plans here are fine. However, you try to hit too many buttons at once and it falls apart.

1. If a decision a character makes is important to defining them or driving the story, then it's a bad place for inconsistency. He is dismayed by the thought of having to give her so much in a divorce, and of losing the kids, but then immediately sets out to increase the finances he will have to share and also to spend less time with his kids. Then, when he has evidence of her engaging in an illegal activity, he goes ahead and gives her a reasonable share and the kids (the kids! to a prostitute!).

2. Sculpt your writing according to the impact you want a scene to have. What was the journey of the forgotten birthday scene? What was the payoff? It didn't cost anybody anything, it seems, and there was no lingering upset on the son's part. If it had ended with a little shame and rejection for the wife to have to feel...a little of what she's been dishing out...then it would have been something. Instead it ends with her smiling contentedly, and no one else seems to give a shit either. So why take the time to write it?

3. The cheating wife basically wins this match. She loses nothing that is of value to her. And if that's your intention, fine. You've done it. But then replace the consequences journey with something. The only real journey here is the love story, and the affair is so inconsequential after the first page that you could have just told the romance side without including that at all.

This was a pathetic boring non-erotic story. I gave it the 1* rating it deserved.

the very day the so called devastated husband finds out that his wife is a whore and a cheater he is sooooo crushed he fucks her that night like it was a prporn movie ?

wow this story is absurd

the next Matt Moreau. In all 4 of his stories... the wife comes out way ahead the the husband is forced into hell and the wife never suffers the slightest bit of blow back form anything the wife does.

the fucks who ever she wants

lives in the best room in those

forgets her kid's birthday because she is out fucking and suffers no consequences

works as whore

never caught by police

never has an STD

keeps perfect relations with her kids and her own family

no one ever asks or wonders why she never attends any social functions with your family/ husband

Too many grammatical mistakes, not to mention numerous punctuation errors.

The only idiot here is you. A story without an ending is no story at all. Why even bother writing one. It's a cop out. Period.

Quality control issues.

Need to work on scene transistions. Story felt choppy. Some aspects unbalanced. Should have been more story out of the time they live together but seperate. Why couldn't he do more about custody after learning she was an escort? Is it leagal to be an escort? Kinda, but they had evidence she was engaging in prostitution. If there is an explanation, fine, but it was absent. Some aspects felt rushed, and we only understand his pain and grief because we are so accustomed to this formula. I think delving deeper into the character development helps keep YOUR take on the "cheating/divorce" LW type of trope, and personalizes it as your own. When you only run down a series of events, it feels more like bad journalism, instead of an engaging and thought provoking yet short fantasy piece.

Keep at it, it is very rewarding to watch an author improve as they refine their craft with more and varied submissions.

Thanks, and Good Luck!

The only indication about when the story takes place is the ship. The Splendor launched in 2007 and finished working up in 2008. So yah. Radio Shack and film cameras?

but as one said, too many transition issues. And verb tense usage was horrible. Please get a better editor, if you have one at all.

I did the same thing to my wife when I found her ex boyfriend buried in her cunt. I confronted her with photos and although she professed her love, there was no one else for her, I moved into my own room and ignored her. She swore she only did it the once and never again, but I rarely even spoke to her. We were roommates only.

Taryn took 4 years of it, begging and pleading. Me? I worked overtime, same as this character, for cash under the table. She had a good job and did everything she could to interest me, but I had zero interest or even love for her after seeing the way she responded to his horse sized cock driven in and out of her.

After 4 years, she gave up and I came home one day to find divorce papers signed, she gave me everything. I signed and delivered them and that was that. The next time I saw her was when I was out with my new wife, about 3 years later. We were buying groceries and I didn't realized my ex had taken a second job. Our old friends told me she had never had even a date after we divorced, she lived alone. When we ran into each other, I introduced her to my wife and she burst into tears and ran into a back room.

That's the last time I saw her, unfortunately, she was found in bed a few weeks later and a bottle of pills next to her.

I checked out your first story to see if you had improved your writing skills. Unfortunately you seem to have gotten worse and that’s a shame since you do have real knack for creating a story. I suggest you spend a lot of time in the resources section here on Literotica. I had to refer to them often and it sure helped me.

I don’t know if you are open to suggestions, but since most of us who write want to improve, I’m going to offer a few. If you want to tell me to mind my business you can contact me via my Bio page.

#1 What’s with the ‘=’ where you should use the ‘’’? Ex. You weren=t at home. Did you use spell check? Mine catches such errors every time.

#2 Stay in one tense. I think you wanted to tell the story in 1st person past tense; however you kept jumping to present tense. Ex (Present tense= she is sitting across from me) vs (Past tense= She was sitting across from me.)

#3 You told the story in a series of statements. Ex He discovered the guy in his house with wife and leaves. Maybe something like this would be more effective: Ducking around the corner I prayed she wouldn’t come my way. I was in luck, she hustled toward the kitchen to break up the fight. Slipping back out the garage doors I was in a daze stumbling to my truck.

As I say, this is just a few suggestions. They are worth exactly what they cost you. Don’t give up and even though you didn’t get torn up too badly this time, you will. The trolls on this site are relentless, but we need writers developing to replace the ones who get enough of their non-constructive criticism.

TSIA

Some really illogical things but the overall story was okay. Why would he work overtime and pour more money into the house payments? Having spent a lifetime in construction I can tell you he could have been paid the overtime in a couple of different manners that wouldn't have required him to declare the income. One of the weak points of this story was that we never heard much from the kids point of view. That seemed odd. Why would he move into the basement? Send the bitch there. And the most glaring oversight? When he finds out she's a prostitute he has the hammer. He could have and should have dictated the terms of their divorce. Sell the house immediately unless she wants to buy him out. No alimony or child support for any of the kids unless she wants to do jail time. And she gets none of his retirement. These would have been things that were easy to accomplish and why not do them? One other thing? The Captain doesn't care. Really.

Okay story. 3 stars.

Good stuff was:

- overall story of discovery and solution to separate in place due to costs.

Could be better stuff was:

- Little friction during separation in place. Lost opportunity and bit unrealistic.

- Use of Escort knowledge to his advantage. Early divorce, custody of kids, rat her out to IRS post divorce (just for the hell of it). More opportunities to spice the story up.

- No real purpose / nothing accomplished in dancing with his Ex and disrupting her escort gig in progress.

Poor stuff:

- Agree with others that use of captain to tell story was a poor choice.

The basics are trite, but OK. Therefore, ratings are going to weigh heavily on presentation. My snarky thought was "I bet Captain X was kicking himself for insisting Mr. Kent ... oops, David, tell him his story!". My second was that Steve's dad, Roger, shoulda named his kid Buck Rogerson, in the Nordic paradigm!

Seriously, however, listen carefully to CarolinaDreamer. As others observed, this was awkward to read, and seemed to be carelessly detailed. I think Canon (NOT Cannon) made their Rebel EOS as a DIGITAL camera. Since there is a fairly long timeline in the overall story, getting stuff temporally displaced is easy! Time lapse transition was very awkward!

One issue which was missing from this story was ANY disclosure about WHY Sweetie would be in a 5-year relationship! (Hubby quickly and adequately shot down her poor excuse). That issue CAN be 'written around' but even a weak (but plausible) excuse helps the story. Huge dick; latent submissive trait for Sweetie exploited by a Dom; Hubby has lost his passion ...anything!

I generally only give 5 stars to writers as they are writing these stories for our entertainment and probably no monetary gain. However sentence structure, spelling and tense are important to communicate via writing. I found this work awkward to read due to errors in all three of these areas. Rather than give you a low ranking I will not vote at all. You just need to pay more attention to your grammar so the reader can become involved with the plot instead of trying to figure out what you are trying to say...

Great job, nice story. Keep writing. xoxoxoxoxAnnette

He put up with this cheating slut wife for YEARS??? For what, money? Did he have his balls surgically removed by the same doctor that did the slut wife's new tits??? 1*

Your butt overboard. Damn that was weak!!

5 Stars. Kept me alert to the final paragraph. I was so afraid you would write this as Jan winning in every way possible. We do things a little different here in Louisiana. Here, a few of David's friends would have entered Jan's bedroom and roughly tied her up, gagged her, threw her in the back of a truck and taken her out into the bayou and fed her to the alligators. That sort of thing happens down here more often than drive by shootings in other crime ridden areas of the nation. But I liked this ending also.

A cookie-cutter plot line. I suppose the intention is to provide a cathartic experience to men hurt in a relationship. Not exactly a BTB or revenge story, but where the wronged husband gets his own happy ending.

Problem is, that in serving this overall emotional goal, the usual unanswered questions remain.

The wife is (in this case) literally a whore, an escort. Why/how the transformation? It serves the story's purpose to put the husband in the wronged position. But the result is that the wife's transformation is arbitrary, and he comes across as a first class idiot for not even noticing.

Which begs other questions, the main one being that if he's such an idiot where is the guarantee that his second relationship is going to end any differently? There is no psychological depth to the story. It's an ego stroke for the hurt victim, nothing more.

Jan should be happy as a well-off escort. It is the real her after all. Why should she have any regret at all? Why would she stare daggers at him? There is no reason internal to the story that isn't contradictory. She's presented that way only because the story demands that the husband ends up the winner.

The story fits the genre, but is shallow on motive.

@funkso - I don't think it could have taken place in the 90's - The Carnival Splendor entered service around 2007 or 2008.

To the author - I enjoyed this, though you might want to warn the misogynists and BTB'ers in your opening comments that the story doesn't end with the cheater dying a slow, horrible death, and if that's what they want it would be better to read elsewhere.

While relaying the story to a ship's Captain may have been a little unrealistic, the self-absorbed ex-wife (and how things turned out for her) didn't seem that far off. I'm not sure why she stared 'daggers' at him though . . . she's painted as someone who doesn't care much about him, so why would she care if he was dating someone else after they weren't together anymore??

There is a palpable "comma problem" in this writing. They are placed not simply gratuitously, but wrongly. I couldn't get very far without bailing. It's too irritating.

In any case, the author spends quite a bit of time on his construction-work identity and then he says: "...let me tell you about myself.....I'm in construction."

This is ridiculously poor writing.

If an editor was actually involved in this they should be ashamed.

but you can track your way out. TK U MLJ LV NV

cuck shit!!! Fuck you annony!!!

Vote 1* for 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐀𝐓 𝐃𝐔𝐌𝐁 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐘 𝐖𝐇𝐎𝐑𝐄™ (that's what her clients call her) aka BONNIE/VASTIE aka NEEDYOU200 aka 5+ANNONY!

1)There is simply no way a man in this position is going to let his "escort wife" get away with it.

A)He's going to want a slice of that cash.

B)He's not going to pay one dime in child support if she gets the kids

C)He'd turn the surgeries over to the IRS after the divorce just out of spite.

We get it. You need the sex to get people to like the story because you don't actually believe you have a story. But seriously? Your guy told THAT to the ship captain?

Spineless man. Story not worth a damn. Save yourselves the trouble and skip it.

Why did he let her slide? Why not take custody of the kids and throw her out? She's got no leg to stand on. This guy was just another spineless cuckold.

michigan law is always for the women

Good guy wins, but he should still drop a dime with the IRS and burn her down. Way too nice.

happens to the ex?

Great.

turned over to the IRS and the cops?

Did he at least get hale of her fuck money?

Nice plot but the style left me bored to tears. Part way through I felt like this was being narrated by Ben Stein.

Dry Eyes Ben Stein.

SO MANY HOLES AND WHY QUESTIONS. HE SHOULD HAVE SUNK HER AND TAKEN THE KIDS. MAKE HER PAY CHILD SUPPORT FOR THE GIRLS. HE WOULD HAVE BEEN DONE WITH HER AND LOST LITTLE OR NO MONEY ONCE SHE WAS IN JAIL.

He was awfully patient for a very long time. I don't know how and I'm not even sure why. More than that, why marry her in the first place. There is nothing about her that seems appealing. Still, the best revenge is living well, so good for him.

Don't really get why he wanted that last dance. I mean, kudos to him for being the bigger person and all, it just felt weird.

So, to be clear

He had enough leverage to force his wife out of his life and out of his house

Yet chose to let her keep the house and raise his daughters while working as a whore?

why the last dance that was pointless and also jan knew he knew she was an escort so y would she be arsed to see her ex and also what he doesnt realise is hes just intimated his gf is an escort not sure she would like that much dickhead

1 star and I can't add anything new to the comments listed below.

Last I heard working as an escort aka hooker is still illegal in Michigan. Have her busted and be done with her.

for once I agree with nixrox.

and, 35mm film?

This story was just silly⭐️

Please read your story before submitting.

The story line is patently absurd. The reader gas to be able identify with both the story line, which no one here swallowed, and the character. You spent a lot of words for what should have a story half the length.

Not horrible but needed more work. Felt like a first draft. Too many implausible events. Too wordy and long. Way too many spelling and grammatical mistakes; I’m not looking for perfection on that but there were so many mistakes it became distracting. Thanks for the efforts, keep writing.

Why didn't the son move in with his father right after the divorce? And considering Jan's love of diversity, is he Davy's biological father? Maybe that's why filial feelings and solidarity with the father did not automatically turn on at the genetic level, but waited for the most favorable conditions for him, for Davy? Showering thanks for gifts in front of his mother, who completely forgot about his birthday? Move to a big room in the basement, but stay in a nest with mom and sisters (native blood, after all)? If I understood correctly, then during the mentioned five years Jan was cheating with this particular lover (otherwise, why would she discuss with him the circumstances and time frame of her meeting with other men or the general experience of her adultery?). Consequently, her passion for a lot of dicks could have arisen much earlier - even before her wedding with David, which means that his paternity is very much in question.

Garbage story by a wimp of an author. Why give her so much if she's a whore and he can prove it? Why leave his children with a neglectful, uncarring and, due to her profession, dangerous mother? Why let her get away unscathed?

Yep, wimp character written by an unimaginative, a simp and a wimp of a cuck writer.

A very charitable 3.

She's a whore. She's guilty of incomtax fraud= 10 years. Presto. He has the kids, the house and all of his assets. Hey, she in jail for the next 10 years. She'll have zero assets so good luck to her in finding him and even on getting any money. Oh, the kids find out mommy's a whore so she can kiss them goodbye;the kids will have famines of their own and the wives, including he daughters, sure as hell won't want a felon and a whore influencing their kids.

I agree with many of the comments below regards the huge number of wholes in this story-which did have great potential.

Needs a proof reader, help with grammar and education on creating complex sentences.

3 stars and a bit of a lame ending to their fake marriage.

After learning that she was just a whore for the whole time they were married, how could any normal man even talk the the bitch again, let alone live in the same house. I would have had DNA tests done on the son - just to make sure. The bitch needed a bunch more payback and that should have included alerting the IRS about her tax evasion.

Never gonna earn more than a two when you make the man a cuck

Huh? All he did was get a separation? She jumps from 5 years of cheating with different guys, to escort service? Is there really that much of a market for female prostitutes who are in there mid to late 30s and have had three kids, even with the plastic surgery? Why did Davie choose to live with Jan? He liked Tracie. And he liked his dad. Jan barely paid him or her daughters any attention. But him especially. And then he has her dead to rights with the prostitution but goes for a 50/50 split and child support for Davie and let's her keep the house? And she keeps all her ill gotten gains. Smdh. And oh the hospital administrator hears all that from the asshole predator and all he gets is a warning? Wow.