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He sighed then, looked back at his desk and began righting the things he'd shoved out of the way.
"I'll see you in class on Monday, Alaina," he said, an obvious dismissal. He refused to look at her, for he knew the hurt he would see in her eyes. Think what she may, he would not instigate another meeting like this. If she came on her own, he wouldn't be able to resist. If she didn't come, then the better they both were for it... though he wished with all his being that she would come again.
Without a word, she turned from him and walked out the door. He looked up to see her figure disappear into the shadows, but her smell, her taste, the feel of her body... they would all be with him in the night, and would be still until he could be with her again.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousover 12 years agoBuild up? You brag about "build up" and then give us three or four paragraphs?
Read some good writers like JoeDreamer, Bluedragonauthor or TX TALL TALES. Then you could change your name to BETTER THAN WHO.
Don't wanna be shitty, but, seriously, dude...
Anonymousover 13 years agoYou did not make an improvement over other writers, sorry. I quite reading about 3/4 of the first page. Boring! Too much of the same stuff. Oh, being an accountant for the Mafia, now that is pulling at straws to be different.
You have a long way to go to be an improvement over other writers.
MugsyBover 13 years agoIt was good for your first attempt, and the story itself is already begging for a sequel. Or not, depending on what you had planned.
I would recommend an editor to help you split up the story into more interesting paragraphs. Like I said, it was a good story, and I don't know how many people are like me, but long, run-on paragraphs tend to make me lose interest, fast. Other than that, your language was all right and the story was interesting.
Good luck in the future!
