by long_legs2u
Thank you for your story!
I think it could be a good idea to change the sex of the horse in:
"My own little stallion to break and then ride... OVER and OVER again"
as to fit better with the described Caspian-character.
I wouldn't go on a rant about this even though that's my first instinct. But I like the rest of the story so here it is.
Why did she go with the captain when the captain and caspian's exchange and its implications couldn't be more apparent ?
I just think she could have done a better job of communicating with someone or something else. Or just simply not go with him. There are always guards at the exits, right ?
Or might I suggest , that you should not have shown their exchange or bribery if she wasn't going to hinder their plan at all.
The story and character would've looked better had she not seen the exchange and Caspian himself.
Otherwise, it's a good read so far
Good luck :)
LuvTracker, if you think you can do better than this, go ahead and write a better story. It takes guts to come up and write stories.
I've read the whole series until here and and I'm absolutly loving it. Great job! Keep writing.
Finally a person who sees this as it is.
But I will not be kind. You author should give up writing if you keep on doing this. You give aspiring writers a bad name.
I have wasted too much time finding something redeeming to this story but you failed. You are an idiot.
I'm not sure I can keep reading this. These have to be the most unintelligent, gullible characters ever. I mean really.
Henry: "Sure my cousin started a war with an entire country just to get back at a princess who turned down his marriage proposal, but I'm sure he won't step foot inside this castle now that I've told him not to. He doesn't seem at all resentful so she will be perfectly safe"
Elena: "So I know I just saw Caspian paying off this captain that choked me out before, but I think I'll go with him anyway because apparently this castle is completely deserted and he might hurt me if I don't"
Add to that the fact that she stole his horse and then kept riding in the same direction he was taking her anyway?!? Come on, at least TRY and make it more believable.
Also, to everyone saying Caspian is all Alpha male, he isn't. That guy is a complete sociopath. He just happens to live in a kingdom where being a sociopathic killer and rapist is deemed acceptable. If his character continues on the same path, he is going to beat Elena so much she won't be able to breathe, much less move. That being said, the characters in this story are so inconsistent he could do a complete 180 like Henry and suddenly fall head over heels with absolutely no provocation.
It's great that you can write, but why bother when this plot line has been featured on Literotica hundreds of times, many with far more believable characters than these.
.. he's dragging it out though.. hoping he'll get to it in the end..
I'd like to start by saying that I have loved your story from the start, and I like that twist of being kidnapped by Caspian the evil cousin. That was a nice touch. However, I really think you should reevaluate how that kidnapping went down. I mean Elena is not stupid, she saw Caspian out the window talking to the man before he magically shows up at her chamber door?! I would have rather her refuse to go with the captain, only to be gagged and slung over a shoulder like a sack of potatoes before being spirited away into the night. That kind of scenario is more believable.
I understand that you wanted to leave a shadow of uncertainty over the whole thing just to make it uncertain if she left voluntarily or not in Henry's eyes. There were more convincing ways you could have had the proverbial cake and ate it too while still staying true to your characters. I just don't see her running off in the night with a captain she knows is in cahoots with the enemy(Caspian).
Just something to keep in mind for the future or if you decide to re-edit the story for publication. I really think that with some polishing you could get this story published. Thank you for such a wonderful series, and keep up the awesome work!
It may not be very long (2 pages = 13 google doc pages) but it sure was difficult to write...
Let the countdown begin!
Really would like to see more of Caspian with Elena. Maybe something bad will happen to Henry on his way to safe her...
oops typed it in the title space!
Hang in there guys! I'm slowly and painstakingly churning out more pages, but it's rough finding down time after work...
Don't worry, I haven't forgotten you all! In the words of Pablo Coelho- It will be written :)
oh please let king henry reach there fast enough. desperately waiting for more. beautifully written story!
I've loved this story from the start but it just keeps getting better and better. Beautifully written with great depth of character. This is my favourite chapter so far but I can't wait for Henry to rescue Elena and put an end to Caspian. Please make it come true.
Knew you could do it Caspian...
Go boy go. Lol
Nice one long legs...just loving this
wow can't wait for more :-) i really love this story. this is classic noncon and please hurry with the new chapter
Can't wait for the next chapter!! Hope you are going to continue writing after finishing this story, i really like the way you write hehe
Great work! Keep writing, we need to know what's going to happen!
Such positive feedback really makes me want to type out a few more pages - I love to hear that you guy's like the story!
Ahhhhhhhh!!
I knew she would be kidnapped. I knew Caspian would orchestrate the kidnapping the minute Henry took leave. I knew he'd drug her by switching the cups. While reading this chapter I kept thinking, "I knew that would happen!" And yet I kept reading and kept screaming out of frustration....and yet I kept on reading.
Gah. Good job on the story thus far! I'm absolutely in love with it! More please!
Caspian you sly bastard! I do hope you update soon, I enjoy reading your story immensely, I love Elena's character.
BUT OMG now I am dying. What is going on? Please tell me Chapter 11 is in the queue. Please, please, pretty please with sugar on top. Thanks for sharing your talent . Please post 11 soon
Warm Regards,
R