All Comments on 'The Loyals Ch. 01'

You write well, and have a good beginning - making us want to find out where they are and why they're so nervous about it.

A common mistake many writers make is using far too many adjectives. I would cut about 90% of them.

"I tried to gauge her reactions, suddenly afraid she was having second doubts." She would have second thoughts OR doubts, not second doubts. Remove the "suddenly".

"We'd planned to get to the store at 22:20, ten minutes before closing time." Unless this story is set in the military, that should be "six-twenty" or 6:20 p.m.

. "A muscular torso stood behind her with his dark arm wrapped around her waist." You have just a torso with one arm here. Should be, "A man with a muscular torso stood behind her, his dark arm wrapped around her waist."

"David seemed to stay motionless for a long moment," He can't SEEM to be motionless. He WAS motionless.

A bit of editing to remove adjectives and simpllfy will improve your writing. Don't use ten words when five will do.

Seriously, you've dropped every hint as to where it's heading. All been done before so many times......and you're going to add what? What will be unique about your story?

If it's just going to be a bbc, tiny cock, humiliation, wife gagging for it story, then why bother? There's already 10,000 of them from other unimaginative, would be authors.

An editor could help you tighten your sentences a bit. But I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

For once an anonymous critic got it right!

Practice. Good ideas. It's all about presentation here. There are no new ideas here, if there were I'm sure gordo would have written something wonderful by now.

Please keep writing.

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Love where this seems to be headed! Keep it up you got me going!

I enjoyed this chapter and look forward to the next. Yes, it's nothing new, but common themes often make the best stories.

Such a great build up and a really hot story. I’m dying for part 2!

Loved this so much

I love my four inch little guy.