The Maiden at Comfry

"He's right." Somebody in the back burped. "Best fuckin' ale in Comfry."

"Hadden, please withdraw a shilling and give it to this man." Longenhard directed. "How much ale would that get us?"

"Not much, I'm afraid." The innkeeper grimaced. "The Toad knows the quality of my ale. He collects a full half of it for his personal trove. He sends his guards once a week to pilfer away his share. As a result, I have been forced to double the price of my remaining stock. I charge a full penny per mug, instead of the old price of a ha'penny. For a shilling I can only fill twelve mugs for your men. I am sorry."

"I'll add half a shilling to the pot!" Odo called out.

"And I'll add another full shilling." A capable looking man, in an expensive leather vest and fine breeches, stepped forward from the back of the inn. Having previously established the hierarchy while he sat, he shook hands with Filmore, Hadden, and finally, with Longenhard. "I am Owen of Comfry. I was formerly the captain of the guard at Comfry Castle, until the Toad came into power and put his idiotic brother in my place."

"A cruel one, that is." Hadden sneered. "I would love to get my hands around that imbecile's throat, except he always hides behind his guards."

Odo started snapping his jaws again. "That's the man that had me flogged!"

"Down, Odo!" Longenhard held the hunched man back, before he took a good bite out of somebody. "Does anyone have a horse bit handy?"

A short length of leather was soon inserted into Odo's mouth. Though the courier still growled and snarled, at least he was no longer cracking his jaws together.

"Either you act civilized or you will be tied outside with the horses." Longenhard warned him with a finger. "Do you understand this?"

Odo nodded empathically. He mumbled past the piece of wood. "Yeff, fir."

"Very well." The old knight turned back to the innkeeper.

"I've reconsidered." The old man said, as he returned to his spot behind the bar, which felt much safer than being near the bizarre courier. "I will charge you the old price for the ale. I will grant you and your men, and anyone else here tonight, the first round at my own expense. That will be my act of defiance towards the insipid Rodolfus!"

A great round of cheers erupted, as the group of bandits started taking their seats all around. Owen stayed before the old knight and his two co-captains.

"I can help you." The former guard commander said. "Many of the guards of Comfry are still loyal to me, although they dare not make a public move against the Toad. Their families have been threatened with violence and their holdings and properties menaced with confiscation, if they so much as cast an untoward glance against that very hated man."

The old knight nodded. "I could benefit from the expertise of a man such as yourself. Tell me what you know."

And so, Longenhard's ranks swelled with the addition of a saboteur. From Owen, the old knight learned that Rodolfus' guards who still remained within the castle were numbered at thirty. Of those, at least half would be willing to turn against the Toad. In addition, the vast majority of the citizens of Comfry, save for that of a handful of greedy families connected to the Toad's hierarchy, were at the point of revolting with their pitchforks and scythes.

"The guards have put down two small rebellions already these past few months," Owen revealed. "Twice, the people have been beaten back into submission. This is why Rodolfus has so much excess flour to sell abroad, because he is stealing the livelihood away from the farmers in Comfry."

"I'll second that." Hadden nodded.

Longenhard absorbed everything. "I do appreciate your information. I have a place for you among the men, if you so desire to join us."

"If it will help me regain my former post, I will join." Owen nodded. "I will draw you a map of the castle's insides and where its hidden passages are located. Some of these tunnels, not even Rodolfus knows about."

"Have it ready for me by morning," The old knight stated. "But for now, let us set these matters of battle aside and enjoy what remains of the night with drink and women."

Filmore laughed and turned toward the innkeeper. "We'll be wearing your two wenches out to-night, old man."

"Oh, I dare say you won't." The keeper leaned forward to reply. "You see, one of them is Norman, and she's taught all of her wily tricks to the other one. They'll put your boys to shame, they will."

All of the men within earshot turned to gaze at the two lovelies, who were both smiling and giving them the come hither look, while beckoning them with their fingers.

"You'll be negotiating with them, as well." The keeper finished off. "Good luck to yeh all."

Odo started panting heavily. He took the bit of leather out of his mouth long enough to howl like a wolf.

As the night went on, the innkeeper's excellent, tasty ale loosened the men's tongues so much that they frequently broke out into a derogatory song in honor of the Toad.

"Fuck the Toad! Fuck the Toad!" Was usually the chorus to these ill-pitched tunes.

Equally relaxed was Sir Longenhard, who called out, "Where is my courier?"

Odo had his head lying on the Norman girl's lap, when he heard the question. His head popped up upon hearing the call and he hurried over to the old knight. "Here I am, good sir!"

"I am ready to give you my next message for the lady Wettanreddy."

Odo cleared out his right ear and quickly wiped the detritus against the counter. "Go ahead, sir."

"To the lady Wettenreddy." Longenhard started, loud enough for the entire inn to hear. "My lady, upon mine arrival in Comfry proper, I shall procure the services of a blacksmith, an artisan well versed in the usage of hammer and chisel, that he might remove that accursed Belt of Chastity from around thy middle. I look forward to presenting mine golden lance to that pot of honey that resteth between thine legs. It is a pot that hath beguiled mine thoughts ever since mine ears first heard mention of thy plight. Once said Belt hath been vanquished into the nether, long and hard will mine lance stir into that pot!

"However, this is not the only tool at mine disposal. There is mine tongue, which is long and as adept as a rapier, and eager to taste the sweet nectar of thy loins. I also shall employ mine hands and fingers, which shall seduce from thy womanhood such pleasures as thou hast never before experienced.

"The taste of thine lips is said to resemble that of a fine and intoxicating wine, and from their cave, will be drawn out that serpentine tongue of thine, that it might dance against mine lance and taunt it until a fountain of glory hath been expelled.

"As the night waxes, I shall take thou. Each thrust from mine lance shall inflame thy loins further, until mine name shall resound from thy lips as the clamor from the bell in the tower where thou are kept.

"I beseech thee, oh great lady Wettanreddy, keep mine name upon thine thoughts, for the codpiece that girds mine loins is not the empty accessory as it is worn on other knights. Instead, 'tis a pouch full of wonders and throbbing manhood, which once removed shall reveal the mightiness of mine lance to thine eyes, and shall assuredly elicit an expectant and lusty gasp from thy ready mouth.

"Fate be willing, shortly shall I stand in thine presence, mine lady, with mine mouth ready to suckle upon thine lovely breasts, and mine hands ready to unsheathe mine golden lance and settle it firmly upon thine enthralling loins. That is all, courier."

Noticing the innkeeper's dirty rag resting on the counter, Odo quickly snatched it up and started wiping his forehead with it. "Sir, you have made my head light. What if, by chance, the lady becomes so aroused that she jumps my bones in the pretense that it is you that stands before her? She threatened to do so before, but I ran away from her chamber in the nick of time."

Longenhard felt flattered, as it had been some time since his words had elicited such an effect on a maiden. "Did my words truly bring about such a reaction?"

"They certainly did, sir."

"Well, make every attempt to escape her clutches." The old knight decided. "But if the lady should overpower you, after you have tried to your fullest to avoid her, I shall not hold rancor against you."

"Thank you, sir. You are a good man, and a fine man, and a beautiful man, and an educated man, and..."

"Enough, Odo."

"I shall take my leave at once." The hunchback turned toward the door.

"I will join you." Owen said. "I will inform the citizenry of your plans, Longenhard, and set some traps within the castle as well. You will have allies waiting for you when you reach the town proper."

"Very well." The old knight nodded, and off Odo and Owen went.

Longenhard found his thoughts wandering toward his lady in waiting so much, that he was forced to abstain from any dalliances with the two local wenches. The pair of prostitutes did prove to be as capable as the innkeeper said, he noted, as the men's coins ran out well before the women's libido did. The two wenches were so happy with the small fortune they'd collected that they kept servicing his entourage anyway.

The next morning, the band of energized men chatted and patted each other's back as they stepped out of the inn. They were about to mount their horses, when a great cloud of dust was seen moving in their direction. Only a good number of cavalry could make such a tumult, they knew, and many of their number grew apprehensive at the sight.

"It is the army of Rodolfus!" One man said.

"He has no army." Another countered. "He only hires mercenaries, for a local man would not inflict misery upon his own brethren the way his savage men do."

"It cannot be the Toad." Hadden refuted. "Comfry lies in the opposite direction. This is someone else's cavalry."

"Filmore, send half your men to the right and use the inn as cover. The other half must go to the left and into the trees." Longenhard ordered. "Hadden, take half of your men and hide them behind the inn. The rest will stay by my side. We will draw them to us. If they attack, the archers will cut down those between the inn and the road. Any that come forward, the men that stand with me and I will engage directly. Any that retreat, Hadden will cut off."

"A good plan." Filmore nodded.

"I cannot take credit for it." Longenhard admitted. "One of King Alfred's advisors thought it up, long ago. We used it successfully against the Viking. No one is to loosen an arrow or unsheath a sword until I give the word."

The men quickly took their places. The old knight stood there defiantly in the center of the road, with his sword sheathed and four armed men standing close behind him.

It was indeed a cavalry, they all soon saw, outfitted with leather jackets and helms. They did not carry the flag of Comfry, however. Their leader shouted a halt at a good distance from the inn, as he was battle-hardened enough to realize that his men were riding into an ambush. He called into his ranks. A single horse galloped around the edge of the unit and came to the front. Its rider was a hairy and unruly sort.

"That's Bayard!" One of the bandits cried out.

Longenhard recognized the name as belonging to one of the bandits he'd sent out to recruit more fighters for his cause. He hadn't expected Bayard to bring an actual army with him.

Both Bayard and the leader of the cavalry trotted forward, but to avoid getting caught up in any crossfire, the old knight held his ground.

"Are you Longenhard?" The leader of the cavalry, a stout man with a heavy beard, asked him.

"I am."

"My name is Cheston. I am from Wilton, which lies to the west of Comfry." The man introduced himself. "My master, Lord Heathcliffe, has sent me and forty of his men to aid you in the subjugation of Comfry. We will be glad to see Rodolfus gone."

The old knight couldn't help but smile. "Does this man Rodolfus have no friends anywhere?"

"In Wilton, he does not." Cheston revealed. "At the boundary between Wilton and Comfry lies a common river, which beforehand the two kingdoms shared peacefully. By no small coincidence, as soon Rodolfus claimed his throne, pirates started harassing our fishing vessels. Also by coincidence, the fishing boats from Comfry were being left alone to take their fill at the best fishing spots."

"I see." Longenhard nodded. "It makes one wonder how this man obtained power."

"That was the fault of five noble Comfry families." Cheston explained. "Once the old ruler passed, there was no living descendant left to take his place. The five families organized a coup and set up Rodolfus as their puppet. The Toad has been currying their favor ever since."

"Begging your pardon, sir." Bayard interrupted to speak to the old knight. "Along with Lord Heathcliffe's men, I've also brought along another twenty more, uh, displaced men like myself. The second rider you sent with me has gone east to Winchester to recruit more."

"Ay." Cheston nodded. "Winchester has as big a grudge on Comfry, as Wilton does. Rodolfus keeps encroaching on their farming territory. They will pledge at least thirty men to the effort, as our two kingdoms have been plotting against the Toad ever since he started showing his true colors. All we needed was a catalyst to light things up, as it were, and it appears that you are that man."

The old knight recalculated his forces; now he had forty trained men, thirty former bandits, eight archers, and one saboteur at his disposal, and one last bandit out recruiting even more men. It could be said that the odds were slowly tipping in his favor, he thought.

"Let us ride toward Comfry." He said, and they did.

It was late in the evening. The troops were settling down for the night when Odo came riding by. He halted and jumped off his horse, hurrying over to Longenhard's side.

"Good new, sir, good news!" That's when he saw the official tents and flag, not to mention the trained men of Wilton. "Oh, do we have soldiers now?"

"We do." The old knight nodded, as his advisors, Filmore, Hadden, and now Cheston, came close enough to hear. "Go on."

"Our man Owen has been busy planting rumors of dissent within the castle." Odo revealed. "The mercenaries are in a quandary over what to do, because Rodolfus is not around to give them orders, or to pay them to fight for that matter. Rodolfus' brother is too stupid to realize that if he doesn't do something about the mercenaries soon, he might lose control of them altogether. The farmers' guild has been informed. They have all voted to support you. The farmers will spend the entirety of tomorrow moving supplies close to the edge of town; in the case there is a prolonged siege. They are fully prepared to bed and feed as many of us as they can. They are willing to do anything in their power to depose the Toad. As our man Owen said earlier, many of them only carry scythes and pitchforks, but they are well prepared to use them."

"That is good news." Longenhard considered it all.

Odo scrambled around through the folds of his clothes searching for something. "Oh, I don't know where I put it." He dropped his pants and gave everyone a good view of his taile and cods (cock and balls). From below these jewels, he pulled out a folded and rank smelling piece of parchment. "Here is the map of the castle's interior. I had to hide it as the Toad's brother searched me nearly from head to toe, but he did keep away from my arse!"

Longenhard grimaced as he took the odorous item by two fingertips. "I see they didn't flog you this time."

"Oh, they wanted to." Odo nodded. "They did. Really they did. But first Rodolfus' brother was arguing with his guards, and then with the mercenaries, and in the end he forgot I was still there. I simply stepped away when he wasn't watching and I got the fuck out of there, sir!"

"And were you able to speak with the maiden?"

"Yes, sir, I was." Odo began, but he clammed up and looked around at the men standing beside the old knight.

"Please leave the courier and I alone for the next few minutes." Longenhard asked.

The three men nodded and left.

Odo sighed. "Do I have to recount it exactly as the lady asked?"

"Yes, it is vital that I receive the message in the exact manner in which it was given." Longenhard directed. "I order you to deliver it, word for word, or your payment will be forfeit."

"Aaww!" Odo grumbled. "Have it your way, then!" He cleared his throat, before he turned away. Blindly, Odo reached out and grabbed hold of the old knight's codpiece, and he started fondling its considerable length. "The message from Lady Wettanreddy is this; bring forth thy ready lance to explore both the prominent hills of mine breasts, and the deep valley of mine pussy. Lest your excitement wane from the cold metal seal that separates your lance from mine cave of pleasure, let mine hand stroke it from end to end and keep it warm.

"Damn this metal, mine brave knight! For it prevents mine eyes from being closed, and mine hand from reaching down to bring pleasure to mine self, in the fantasy that it is thou that toucheth mine loins on this very day. Once thy blacksmith strikes that final blow that ends the siege upon my sweet nectar, thou had better be prepared to take me, right away and before I give thy blacksmith the first taste of me, in order to provoke your passion for me even more.

"Thou shall drink, my lord, and drink heartily of that deep well that hath lusted these last few days for thine engorged attention. Thou shall drink of it, and attack it with thine golden lance, and fuck it until we overflow together in the combined fountain of our lust. Your lady in waiting, Wettanreddy." With that, Odo snatched his hand away and started spitting on it. After he could be seen wiping the appendage on both grass and dirt. "Begging your pardon, sir, but that was disgusting!"

Longenhard lived up to his surname. The knight was in a near swoon as he hurried behind the nearest tree to relieve the pressure blossoming from his groin. Afterwards, he returned to the trio of advisors, who had been watching the sensual discourse from a distance.

Hadden looked uncomfortable as he asked, "Is everything well with you, sir?"

"My friends, I am in love." Longenhard said, dreamily.

"With Odo?"

"No, you imbecile!" The old knight snapped. "With the maiden Wettanreddy! It was part of her message that she wished to be stroking me in that manner!"

"Oh, well that's a great relief to the lot of us." Hadden released a deep breath.

"Tell me, have any of you laid eyes on this lady?" Longenhard asked. "All I have is a minstrel's vague description, and Odo's, but the courier seems to have quite a few bats loose in the belfry. He seems competent, mostly, but I cannot be entirely sure about his powers of observation."

Hadden shook his head. "I didn't know she even existed, until rumor got around that she'd been forcibly taken from old man Hearst's farm."

"No idea even of her age? I assume that the lady is quite young, as she is reputed to be a maiden."

"Sorry, I've no idea. All I know is that Hearst in an ancient bastard who never lets anyone inside his hovel." Hadden shrugged.

"I'll ask my archers." Filmore stated.

"And I my men." Hadden concurred.

The four of them retreated into a command tent, where several candles provided adequate lighting for viewing Odo's stinky map deep into the night. The men made a separate map outlining the area directly around the castle. Using the both of these, they developed several plans of attack, and several options to retreat if things got out of hand.

The following morning, thirty-five men from Winchester arrived, and a short while later, twenty more brigands-converted-freedom fighters, and ten more archers. This gave Longenhard seventy-five professional soldiers, fifty rebels, eighteen archers, and lastly, one in-the-field saboteur. The old knight was feeling comfortable with his odds now. He estimated that the castle would have at best, half of the defensive force it might usually have, since Rodolfus had to guard his caravan of goods on the road. Assuredly, a large contingent of his forces was helping to guard it.