The Maiden at Comfry

"Half a day's ride." Hadden stated. "And we'll be at the castle."

Longenhard wondered if he should even bother to send his lady another message, since he would soon be knocking on the castle gates himself.

"I stand ready for your orders, sir." Odo made sure the old knight knew he could be counted on.

"I just had a thought, Odo." Longenhard gazed hard into his courier's eyes. "When you stroked me last night, you were doing things exactly as the lady instructed you to. Yes? Does that mean that the lady stroked you while you were in her presence?"

The courier started running. "I'm sorry, sir! I tried to get away, just as you told me! I promise you I did! Please don't flog me!"

Longenhard smirked, but he made no attempt to give chase. The knight turned to his three advisors, who were now mounted and ready to ride. "Hadden, will you catch up to Odo and tell him he won't be flogged?"

"He'll only run faster." Hadden surmised. "He'll surely think the opposite; that you did send me to flog him."

The old knight turned to Filmore.

The archer shrugged. "He'll only think I'm trying to put an arrow into his arse."

"I'll have one of my men take his old horse out to him." Cheston finally solved the dilemma.

"Very well." The old knight said, as he stepped toward his mount. "Let us be on our way."

It was still early in the afternoon, when the army rode into the town of Comfry. They came in warily, noting that many of the streets were empty. The possibility of an ambush seemed great.

Cheston spotted a few small children cowering behind an empty carriage. "You there, where are all the townsfolk?"

One grimy face peered back, while the rest of the urchins fled. "They went off to storm the castle."

The boy ran off too, a moment later.

Hoping that the peasants weren't being massacred, Sir Longenhard kicked his horse's flanks and sped down the dirt avenue, while his advisors and his army followed close behind.

"To the left at the next turn." Hadden directed the old knight.

Longenhard made the turn. He came to a great empty field between the town and the castle. There were a couple of hundred people standing around. At first, the commoners started to scatter as they thought the arriving army was going after them.

"I command you all to halt!" Longenhard used all the authority in his voice. Quite a few of the commoners found themselves too frightened to move. "What goes on here?"

Other townspeople took notice and pointed at the two riders holding the flags of Wilton and Winchester.

"Well, will one of you answer me?" The old knight shouted. He was ready for battle now. All he needed was a target.

"There was a skirmish last night," One bold woman came forward. "Between the farmers and the Toad's mercenaries. It was a riot, with both sides chasing one another through the town. Once the mercenaries realized how many stood against them, they fled back in the direction of the castle. The castle drawbridge has been closed ever since."

One of the scenarios they'd planned came to Longenhard's mind. "Hadden, take your men and move the farmers back to where they'll be safe. Filmore, take your archers close to the castle and observe what you can. Cheston, set your men to stand across from the front of the castle. The riders of Winchester will be positioned at the rear of the castle."

The army quickly mobilized into focused segments.

Longenhard rode across the rear of his army, helping to corral the peasants and stopping a few at random to see if he could learn more. He noticed that Cheston's men were spaced out in such a way that their forces appeared more numerous. Finally, he directed his horse to gallop out to where the archers were posted.

"Report!" He called out.

"There are five guards manning the castle walls, and that is all." Filmore replied. "The odd thing is they're not moving."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, they're not moving at all. They're standing completely still. They're not shuffling around or picking their noses or anything. I'd say that they were straw men, except that I can clearly see they are men of flesh. The expressions on their faces are just ghastly."

Longenhard cursed his sight, which wasn't as strong as it once was. "Sound the battle cry!"

The loudest men from the entire army had been assigned to key spots. One by one, they went down the line and bellowed, "Fuck the Toad!"

This same cry was echoed all around. It stopped for a bit, until the cry was renewed in very distant voices, by the men of Winchester posted at the rear of the castle.

"No reaction from the sentries." Filmore reported. "None of them moved even a single inch."

"Strange." Longenhard commented.

They waited several tense minutes for something to happen.

"Wait, I see more men atop the walls." Filmore said.

Longenhard strained to look. He saw several vague forms scurrying about. "Perhaps we should move our forces a little further back, to be sure we are out of range of any ballistas or catapults."

Filmore was about to sound this, when one of the other archers halted him.

"Sir, look!"

They all turned to see the original five sentries being toppled over the edge of the wall and falling to certain death far below. The similarly dressed guards who'd just killed them raised their arms into the air. Unexpectedly, they all shouted, "Fuck the Toad!"

Another couple of minutes passed, when the drawbridge started to lower.

Cheston warned his men to brace for a charge, but only a single rider came out of the castle.

"It's Owen!" Filmore shouted.

"Get me Hadden!" Longenhard shouted at a designated runner. "Cheston, Filmore, to my side!"

The three men galloped out to meet the former captain of the guard.

"Report!" Longenhard shouted.

Owen was laughing as he joined them. "You won't believe it! I can't quite believe it myself!"

"Go on, man!"

"I set up a diversion last night." Owen admitted. "To draw some of the mercenaries out of the castle. Some of the farmers were to start a fracas with them, and to set a few bales of hay and a couple of old houses on fire. I knew the mercenaries would be bringing out the rest of their number to quell the riot down, as they usually do. I timed this at exactly the same moment that the guards were being served their dinner meal. Ahead of time, I convinced the castle cook to set poison in the bowls of the five worst guards, including the Toad's hated brother."

"You poisoned all five men?"

"Yes!" Owen nodded. "But that's not all of it. While the mercenaries were out, I rounded up everyone who wasn't loyal to Rodolfus. I took them out of the castle through one of the hidden underground passages. Half the occupants of the castle are out there," He pointed. "A couple of miles away and hiding in the hills."

Owen went on. "I had several men placed in key spots. All of them were spreading conflicting reports to whoever remained inside the castle. Some were saying that the town was under attack. The people still in the castle could simply look out the turrets and see this for themselves. The order was given to close the drawbridge. At the same time, the sentries loyal to me carried around the bodies of the poisoned guards, to further scare the Toad's sycophants. The final strokes occurred when my guards called for everyone to abandon the castle. They began to funnel the rest of the inhabitants out through another tunnel. Once these people were all out of the castle, the tunnel and the drawbridge were both closed. Neither the Toad's people nor the mercenaries could get back inside. To further aggravate the mercenaries from trying to get back in, I had the guards set up the dead men on the castle wall."

"And so the mercenaries fled?" Longenhard asked, as he saw the genius behind Owen's work.

"They did!" Owen laughed. "They weren't going to fight the farmers, because they weren't going to get paid for doing so. And they couldn't get back into the castle, either. So they had nowhere to go except out of Comfry!"

"I suppose the decision must be made," Cheston stated. "Over whether we should pursue the mercenaries and slay them, before they join up with Rodolfus' main troops and become a more formidable force."

"You don't even have to slay them." Owen shook his head. "All you have to do is round them up and put them on boats, and ship them off somewhere else. They're not going to fight you while they're fleeing, because there's no coin in it for them. If there's to be any fighting, it will be when Rodolfus returns, but there's even a way around that!"

"How so?" Cheston asked.

Longenhard had an answer for this one. "We catch a handful of mercenaries and we pay them to go to Rodolfus. They will tell the Toad that Comfry Castle has been taken over by both Wilton and Winchester. If Rodolfus were to return, he'd be fighting against those two kingdoms, and even against his own castle."

"And if Rodolfus puts up any resistance," Owen added. "His remaining army can be pushed all the way to the river. He may make one last effort to hold his ground, but when the mercenaries see your warriors encroaching on them, I'll wager they will jump into the first ships they can commandeer and head for safer lands."

"Or, we could hire the mercenaries ourselves." Longenhard suggested. "They aren't loyal to Rodolfus, they're loyal to currency. We could probably pay them to finish the Toad for us."

Cheston had to laugh himself. "The Toad is really fucked, this time."

"The only question I have is, will Wilton or Winchester claim Comfry for their own?" Hadden asked, somewhat reluctantly. "The castle is there with no defenses. It is ripe for the taking."

"Our two rulers have already discussed that." Cheston said. "They knew that if the Toad were to be deposed, there would be a power void here. This might cause our two kingdoms to war with one another. That is the main reason why they waited so long to mount an attack on Comfry, because we were waiting for an honorable leader to present himself. A man like the one that ruled Comfry before the Toad usurped the throne." He glanced over at the old knight. "And now, we have one."

Longenhard looked shocked. He'd come for the maiden at first, yes, and later, to help rid the land of their tyrant, but to rule an entire kingdom as a result? That thought had never even crossed his mind.

"I will take the men of Wilton and the men of Winchester with me, and we will catch up with the mercenaries." Cheston stated. "If they wish to have war, we will give it to them. But if they wish to have peace, we will come to a peaceful resolution. We will deal with the Toad as well, as he has much to answer for. I will return here in a week's time to settle our account for the assistance we've provided here."

The old knight was still too shocked to speak.

Diplomatically, Hadden stepped forward to dismiss the army captain. "You will find us very grateful for your help. I give you my word, neither you nor Lord Heathcliffe will regret what you have done for us."

The two men shook hands, as honorable men should. Sir Longenhard barely noticed when Cheston and his men rode off.

Filmore startled him by patting him on the back. "Would you like to step into your castle, Lord Longenhard?"

"I'm not a lord." The old knight denied.

"You'd let Hadden and I fight over it, then?" Filmore joked. "So that Owen can poison the winner later and take the spot for himself?"

"I wouldn't poison anyone else." Owen shook his head. "I just want my old job back. I was happy there."

"A good man." Longenhard muttered. "Owen is a good man to have on one's side, and a dangerous man to cross swords with. If it is truly in my power to do so, Owen, then yes, you are once again the captain of the guard."

"What a coincidence, as the spot only recently opened up." Filmore joked.

"You're all good men." Longenhard glanced around him. "This is all as a dream now, but if I'm truly in charge, then I would appoint Hadden as my treasurer. And you, Filmore, what are you good at?"

"I'm good at shooting arrows. I thought you'd have that noticed by now."

"Then you'll be in charge of the archers." The old knight babbled. "Until I think of something more worthy for you. We'll need a man who knows commerce to get Comfry's trade going again, and the man at the caravan... Wayland! I want him brought here at once!"

"I will send a rider out immediately." Hadden promised. "We should have no problem finding the caravan, now that the roads have been cleared of bandits."

"Ale." Filmore whispered into the old knight's ear. "We'll need lots of good ale, and I have a good idea where the best ale in Comfry is brewed."

"The innkeeper!" Longenhard recalled. "Have him brought here as well. A few wagons of his product will go a long way to mending the peace between Comfry and her two neighbors."

"And wenches," Filmore further requested. "Especially Norman ones."

"Yes, we'll have hundreds of them." The old knight nodded. "We'll have a parade of wenches once a month, right in front of the castle, and..." The man gasped. "In my delusions of grandeur, I forgot all about Lady Wettanreddy! Odo, where are you?"

"Here, sir." The hunchback hurried over.

"Odo must be flogged." Filmore suggested. "For having a hunchback."

"Yes, Odo must be flogged, for having..." Longenhard started daydreaming again.

"No, Odo must not be flogged." The courier growled. "Odo must be treated very kindly for his efforts in undermining the dreaded Toad of Comfry!"

"I say flogged!" Filmore insisted.

"I say not flogged!" Odo countered. "Let's flog Filmore, instead! That's a much better idea, I think. What do you think, Hadden?"

"I say flog Odo."

"Don't listen to them, sir." Odo started gritting his teeth. "There's a conspiracy against me because I'm so much better looking than either of these two buffoons."

"All of you, stop!" The old knight's head finally started to clear. "Odo, take me to the maiden's chamber at once."

"At once, sir." Odo took the knight by a wrist and started leading him away. With his free hand, he gave both Hadden and Filmore the archer's flip-off of two raised fingers: the index and middle, which are the two fingers archers use to nock their arrows. "You pair of hairless bastards, I'll be pissing on the both of you when you're asleep, for trying to get me flogged!"

Both Hadden and Filmore fell to the floor laughing.

Odo led the old knight through the open drawbridge. "This way, sir."

Several minutes later, they came to the tallest tower in the castle.

"We have to climb all that?" Longenhard grimaced.

"Do you really think that a walking turd like Rodolfus would be climbing all the way up there every so often, only to have the maiden rebuke him over and over again? No, he had the common sense to put the lady on the first floor."

"What about her Belt of Chastity?" The knight asked.

"Owen hinted that if his plan went well, he would have a blacksmith working on getting that thing removed right away." Odo revealed. "I didn't inform you earlier because I didn't want to raise your hopes up unnecessarily. Since he didn't mention anything to the contrary, I'm assuming that it should be gone by now."

"How do I look, Odo?" Longenhard asked, nervously.

"You look very handsome, sir." Odo glanced back at him briefly. "In fact, I'm considering ravishing you myself. No, that's not true, not at all. Pretend I didn't say that. Actually, there is something you should know about the Lady Wettanreddy. Something I haven't told you before."

"What?"

"She's decrepit and obese, most of her teeth are missing, and she's gone blind in one eye."

Longenhard nearly started running away, from the image his mind conjured up.

"A joke, sir." Odo made his eerie grin. "Ha ha ha."

"Do that again and I really will have you flogged." Longenhard menaced. "You nearly made my heart stop!"

They came to a great wooden door, with a giant padlock placed over a hook, but the padlock was not secured.

Odo started to pull the door open, when he suddenly halted. "Wait, you put Hadden in charge of the treasury and Filmore in charge of arrows, but you didn't put me in charge of anything. Why would you not put me in charge of anything?"

"Can we talk about this another time?"

"Why isn't now a good time?"

"I'm going to put you in charge of my boot being placed in your arse." It was the old knight's turn to growl. "Now, go find yourself a woman to hound and leave me alone."

"That's a great idea." Odo perked up and started away. "Enjoy your maiden then, for I'm off to find one of my own."

Longenhard made sure the hunchback was really leaving. After, he pushed open the door to the forbidden room and stepped inside. He saw an ugly straw bed in a corner, a rack with a few ugly dresses draped over it, and a small table and chair with an ugly iron bowl and spoon on it. There was an ugly, grimy, single window on the opposite side of the room from the door. Before it stood a woman wearing an ugly dress.

At the sound of the door creaking shut, the woman turned to face him. The knight realized that, unlike everything else in the room, she was not ugly at all. In fact, she was gorgeous. Her hair was as radiant as the beams of the sun, and her face as beautiful as the sun is bright. Her lips were full, and already the old knight imagined their taste as being equal to that of a savory wine.

"You look exactly as you have in my dreams, my dear knight." She said. Her sweet voice flowed thick like honey.

The man straightened up proudly. "I am Sir Longenhard of Aberfeld. I have deposed the man who imprisoned you here and rid the kingdom and its citizens of his tyranny. I have traveled far and wide to reach you and now I am here. I stand before you, ready to rescue you, and ready to take you wherever you wish, milady."

The woman smiled. Her smile conjured up visions of springtime flowers in the knight's mind. "Have you come here to fuck me, Sir Longenhard, or to make love to me?"

"I have come to do both. And since I have been given the authority to rule this kingdom, I have also come to make you my wife. I will share everything I have with you, if you only will have me."

"Show me your lance, your golden lance."

Sir Longenhard removed his codpiece. His cock was already thick for her.

The woman stepped closer, gazing at the man's form, as if recalling the details from her visions and comparing them to the actual man. Her hand went up to the collar of her dress. She undid the loop and button there and continued all the way down. Each button she loosened revealed a greater glimpse of the woman's flesh, until finally, there were no further buttons to be undone. She slid the dress from her shoulders and let it drop away.

True to the minstrel's words, her breasts were like twin moons. Her sensuous hips were cruelly pale where the Belt of Chastity had been clamped only a short time before.

The knight could only wonder that the minstrel's and Odo's words had not even begun to do justice in describing the vision of loveliness standing before him. There were no words that could be uttered by men to describe the perfection that met his eyes.

"I am Lady Wettanreddy of Comfry, my brave knight." She mouthed the words sexily, huskily. "And you are, and have always been, the knight of my dreams. As you thrust your lance into me in my visions, I desire that you do now to my real person. Let the sweet nectar from our loins flow together, and culminate into a celebration worthy of reaching past the heavens above our heads and out to the stars beyond."

Sir Longenhard began to undress.

"Come and fuck me, my brave knight." Wettanreddy looked around at her dingy surroundings. "On that pitiful bed, on the dusty floor, outside, anywhere and everywhere. I don't care where it is, only that you come and fuck me with your golden lance, and that you wrench the cries from my body as you did in my mind."