All Comments on 'The Master Djinn Pt. 01-02'

A 10 ft yacht with two decks, a tv a captains chair and a 600 horsepower engine! - totally unbelievable.

After that it just got worse.

Too many spelling errors and capitalization mistakes.....ALMOST made me quit reading... get a editor before you do pt 2 PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good first attempt. I'm interested in seeing where this story goes. However the two anonymous comments before me have some merit. A little editing could turn this from good to great and a 10ft yacht having all those things seems a bit far fetched.

In any case I enjoyed this, keep writing.

Great! Can't wait for the next one

I like the story so far. Can't wait to see were the story will head.

Besides the proof reading which would catch things like sryptic (the word is cryptic with a C) and, an, over, abundance, of, commas.

An editor or at least an early reader with some real world experience might help you with details like a 10 (ten) foot yacht with two decks and a 600 horsepower engine (and a few Jerry cans of fuel)

Make sure not to put women when you mean woman. Change the yacht to at least 20 foot as a fully stocked kitchen would take up at least 10 feet, plus a bath and bedroom. Noo sounds like New, not No o o o. ex: Noo!! Mom!!

Capitalization is always important. And though it is yet to be a problem, make sure you keep names straight as messing them up takes the reader out of the story.

I've loved most of the genie stories on this site, so I'm intrigued to see how yours plays out. I think the concept is interesting, and different enough from typical genie stories to stand out on its own.

That said, your work would benefit from someone giving it a once over and acting as an editor. As other commenters pointed out (some constructively, some not) there are some simple spelling errors, overuse of commas, and research issues that could be helped with by an editor, or at least an extra pair of eyes.

I also think there's some sentence structure issues. Some of them are run on sentences (exacerbated by the commas), while others are short to the point of abruptness, and could be merged with others. Several of the sentences felt awkwardly worded to me, as well. An editor would also help with all of that.

Still, I think it's a good first attempt for this site, and I look forward to seeing the story continue!

Could use more background on what the family had been searching for and why. One line states his dad had been preparing him for this situation, doesn't say how or why. Average length of a minvan is 16' 5''. Doubt a double decked yaht being used for rough sea travel is 10 feet. 40 - 100 feet maybe. Millions of dollars in a duffle bag. Possible but not likely. One million dollars =about 20 pounds if in hundred dollar bills (u.s.) takes up about as much space as the inside of a medium sized microwave. Depending on the size of the duffle bag could be between 3 - 6 million. Thats 60-120 pounds in money alone. Doesn't seem like enough to live 20 years, cross boarders during a worldwide war, pay for research and build a state of the art boat. A combination of cash, bearer bonds, stock certificates and documents for cayman/swiss bank accounts and/or safe deposit boxes with cash/gold would make more sense. Good story idea foundation so far otherwise.

I also like Genie stories as much as anyone else. However this one falls short of most other ones in this current state. There is promise in the story, however, therefore please try to improve in a few areas:

- you need someone catching your grammatical and spelling errors, and you should also decide whether you want to write in first or third person

- the other Genie stories all showed so much more character background in their very first chapters. All your big predecessors' (Joe Brolly's Genie Chronicles and so much more in 800lbgorilla's Beautiful Wish) stories you could lose yourself in the story and in the main character's thoughts and feelings. You on the other hand cut that very short... we don't find out almost anything of your character's thoughts and feelings. Please improve that.

The really good Genie stories are not so much about what happens in them in general and what magics the Genie does, but about what happens to the feelings and mindset and life view of the main character and/or how originally the character uses the Genie's capabilities to solve a problem.

I just finished the second part of the story, and I'm looking for someone to edit the two first parts so that I can resubmit part 1 and submit part 2 with it

Story wise it has potential. However at the same time its a recipe for disaster. If not properly elaborated, there is just a lack of story glue. I'll agree with others, you need an editor; though I'd suggest two just for contrasting opinions. I can go into detail about what is needed for this to make sense but from the looks of it that would extend this by about...8 parts minimum but that's when you discount the mention of human military from part one. Just get the key points and fill around them. Good luck. - Karch

This is a great story. Don't really care about typos. You should continue with additional chapters! Thanks for the entertainment!