All Comments on 'The Monster Within Ch. 01'

Part II has just been submitted. Thank you all for the votes!

Your command of English is almost flawless; better than many who claim it as their only language. Thank you for an interesting first chapter.

Very good first effort. Only light proofreading necessary.

One thing to notice is that when saying something like 'He said she looked lovely', there is no comma after "said" in American English. But it is proper to use it for:

He said, "She looked lovely."

where there are quotation marks.

Actually, the first example should properly be written as "He said that she looked lovely", but the "that" is commonly omitted nowadays in colloquial speech. Just one of those minor things that the nitpickers among us here love to froth over. Most of the people I work with as colleagues and customers have English as their second, third, or fourth language, so such minor errors don't bother me so long as the meaning is clear.

As another said, your English is almost flawless. You could improve the consistency of usage to suit the local context. By the personal names and the discussion of the hospital insurance, I infer that this story is set in the USA. If true, then I would use feet and inches, AM and PM, etc. Some colloquialisms need adjustment. There was an erroneous reference to the future, but I couldn't find it upon re-reading. Pray continue!

Looking forward to the next chapters.

Thanks for writing this.

Overall this is a well laid out story with wonderful characters. My only concern was the slow start with too many details that don't add to the story.

Thanks for sharing and I look forward to the rest of the story.

Is this set in the UK or the US?

The words suggest the UK, for examples:

The word 'mobile' for what would be a 'cell phone' in the US.

The expression 'a coffee' is the UK way, which would be 'a cup of coffee' in the US.

You express time in the continental European style with the 24 hour format.

Both the UK and US tend to use 12 hour clocks, except for military, police and other emergency services.

17.30h would be half five in the UK and 5:30 in the US

This is a great start to a great story. Thank you - can not wait for the next part. Keep up the great work.

I am overwhelmed by the positive feedback! Especially those praising my use of English. Thank you guys! I tried to use British English as this is what I learned but the everyday influence of the pop culture (movies, music, books, etc.) might :) have led to the use of some American English expressions.

Regarding geographic placement: It doesn't really matter where the story plays which is why I kept it consciously vague. But in reply to the questions I want to add that it plays in Switzerland. I have anglicised the names for easier reading.

I also want to announce that I have received an offer for editing. This might delay the third chapter a bit (the second has already been submitted) but it will be posted. I will not leave you hanging!

You have my curiosity.

Your language skills are excellent. As far as dealing with location and colloquial verbage be true to yourself. Don't try writing as if you are in a setting with which you are not familiar.

I'm looking forward to the next section.

I just finished reading Stan's efforts to pacify the panicky woman. Do you know if the steps he took are from an established training program or are you familiar with "Horse Whispering?"

Surprised and Curious!

fr_Chaste_2_Chased

It is not from a program I know of but I am familiar with 'dog whispering' (what a surprise!!! :D ) and that's where I took it from :D

But I have also learned, in normal everyday situations, that people react to your energy. If you radiate calmness, they will calm, if you broadcast certitude, they will listen to you.

There's a lot of potential in the storyline. It has me thinking, and that's good. There are several references to Sandra and her death, but nothing about how she passed. There are also faint hints that Stan and Sandra may have had kids, and they're also gone -- but so far nothing concrete. I hope the next chapter goes more into Stan's past, why he behaves as he does, and what makes him who he is. My bet is that Bev has a colorful backstory of her own; and that she'll need a restraining order against her ex-BF.

Great story hope there's going to be lots more to come.

Of course, our superhero leaves us wondering if his grief from the loss of his wife and children is his only weak point, though he does seem a bit over-methodical.

He is still uncomfortable after four years

She was in a relationship until a few hours earlier

I do have a bit of a problem with the whole stalwart suffering hero thing, but this a fantasy so its all good. However, a man that knows what Lagavullin is, knows what he’s doing, he said with a tip of his wee dram.

Sets the scene well giving hints of something dark in the past. 5 stars.

Great effort. Lots of little mistakes but they don't detract from the essential story. ( You don't apologize yourself, you excuse yourself.) I have read subsequent stories and the improvement is vast. A word of advice: Use simple words to describe a situation, avoiding the more flowery ones. Good plot. 5*s.

Good writing. I'm just not sure I like Beverly. She doesn't respect Stan's boundaries. He keeps saying "no", and she keeps pushing him. She is going to cause him more harm.