The New Owners - 03 March

Fri, Mar 10, 00

I didn't make tea today. She was going out for dinner with a friend.

Trish wants me to spend the whole day down there tomorrow, "helping her with some things." I am nervous about what that means.

Rented The Cider House Rules and loved it!

Sat, Mar 11, 00

Oh my G-d! I just masturbated on the phone with Trish! How am I going to face her? I think she was mad when she found out what I was doing so I know she will say something tomorrow. Oh G_d, what was I thinking? I wasn't thinking! That's the problem.

I went down at 11:30 like she told me to and Ryan was just leaving. As soon as he was gone she said "make me some coffee" like I was her slave. I get mad when she treats me like that, but then I go do what she tells me and start feeling pathetic because I let her treat me that way and then I start wanting her to treat me worse. Well today she did. I brought her her coffee and she asked me to tidy the living room. At first I just stood there. Like I wasn't able to move. Then she said that she thought I enjoyed doing nice things for her and didn't I think it would be a nice thing to tidy up her living room so she would not have to. It still took a bit of coaxing but eventually I just did it. I started picking up all Alyssa's toys, blushing and wanting to cry, while she drank her coffee and read a magazine. Then Alyssa started crying and she asked me to go check on her. I got sort of mad at that. Cleaning her living room was humiliating but changing Alyssa's diaper just seemed like I was doing her work because she was too lazy. But I did it and then brought her out to be with Trish, and went and brought the coffee out to refill her cup and then finished cleaning. Then I watched Alyssa while Trish went and took a shower. Then she told me to put a load of laundry on. I think that is when I realized I would be doing housework all day. I did her laundry and vacuumed and made her lunch and washed the floors and cleaned the bathroom. I spent the whole time mad that she was making me do all this and hating/loving that I was doing it. I think the worst was when I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor. She came and leaned in the doorway watching me and when I looked up she was smiling and shaking her head like she just could not believe I was doing it. Why not, I couldn't believe it either,. But it made feel even more ridiculous than I already did. She asked if I enjoyed doing it and I told her 'no', but then she asked me then why was I doing it? Did I just like doing nice things for her? That was what she said the other day. I barely got any sleep last night worrying about what she meant by 'nice things'. I mean, she said she was glad I was not a lesbian but I still kept thinking she might mean something a lot different than cleaning her house. I was really glad that all she wanted was cleaning, but I was also really mad that she was treating me like her maid. I was mad at her and mad at myself for doing it and hating myself for not just leaving, I don't know how many times I almost left but didn't but the whole time I was also thinking about Kendal and couldn't wait to get home to use him. I don't think it is really even sexual excitement. Having her treat me like that just makes me feel so bad about myself that I am dying to go and make myself feel better. When I was finished everything else I had to make her tea and rub her feet. Like she has had such a rough day! When she finished her tea she thanked me for all my help and said I could leave as soon as I had washed up the tea things.

As soon I got in I grabbed Kendal. I had been wanting it so much all day. But as soon as I started the phone rang and it was Trish saying "Well that didn't take long, did it." At first I thought she just meant all my cleaning, but she was laughing and then said she timed me and it was 38 seconds from the time I left to when she heard my vibrator. All of a sudden my heart was pounding and I had that same feeling that I wanted to run away, only there was no where to run because I was already home. She said that it was not as loud as usual and asked if I was hiding in the living room so she wouldn't hear. When I didn't answer she asked again, and then again very firmly saying my name the way she does when I am not doing what she wants. Like she is very disappointed and cross. Sort of threatening. So I told her 'yes' and that just turned me on so much. It felt so dirty to be on the phone sitting with my skirt up and my legs spread admitting that I had been masturbating, and that just turned me on more. I wanted to get off the phone so I could turn Kendal back on but it was so humiliating having her on the phone that I didn't want to hang up either. So I just used my wrist over my skirt. She said that cleaning her house must really turn me on and then asked if it did and then kept asking it until I told her it did. I think I was using Kendal without power by then, I wanted it so badly. At some point I was so turned on I even started using him inside. It was awful and wonderful all at the same time. She kept talking at me asking things like did I get turned on cleaning her bathroom floor and did I feel silly hiding in my living room to masturbate and each time she would keep asking until I said 'yes' and I kept pushing Kendal in harder so it was really hurting but feeling so good, too. Then in this really disgusted voice she said "Are you masturbating right now while I am talking to you?! Are you?" Well that just made me do it even harder and feel absolutely horrible, but she kept asking until finally I said 'yes' and she said that was absolutely disgusting and that I should be ashamed of myself and I think that is when phone slipped and fell on the floor. But I just kept going. It felt so good to hurt myself with Kendal. Like it made everything else go away or okay or something. When I finally stopped I was so ashamed I just hung up. I have no idea if I made any noise or not but just the idea that she was listening to me and thought it was disgusting made it so strong. When I am like that, I don't care how disgusting or stupid I am, it just feels so good and so right.

After I hung up I used Kendal to come. The phone rang again but I wouldn't answer it, but just knowing she was calling, that she knew I was doing it again turned me on so much that I came right away. But now I keep picturing trying to look her in the eye and having her laughing at me and I don't know how I am going to do it. But thinking about it and writing all this is turning me on again.

Sun, Mar 12, 00\

Spent all day doing the things I was supposed to do yesterday like groceries and laundry.

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Trish just came up to ask me to babysit for her on Wednesday. I told her I have an appointment every Wednesday, but she kept asking so I told her I would think about it. She said she would do something special for me if I did, but she didn't say what so I am not really sure I would want it. I wonder what it is.

Mon, Mar 13, 00

She's kidnapped Kendal! Trish called the second I got in and told me she wanted me to bring my vibrator to tea.! G_d, I thought I was sick! I almost didn't do it, but I did. (after cleaning him THOROUGHLY!) I think this is the first time I walked IN to her place embarrassed. And then as soon as I did she asked his name! She already knew about Kendal and it is just so pathetic that I named my vibrator after him that I couldn't tell her. I just stood there shaking wishing I named him Brad or Johnny or something. But when she stepped really close and pulled my hair so I had to look up at her, I told her. There is something about when she pulls my hair that I would do, well not anything but a whole lot more than I want to. Well she really laughed when I told her and she told me it was really sad. She told me to put him on the table and make her tea. After that it was just like usual until I was ready to leave. I just as I was about to pick him up she told me, "No Marilyn, Kendal is going to stay here tonight." At first I thought she must be joking but I knew from her tone she wasn't. She said it is my punishment for "jerking off" on the phone. So now I am in my apartment and she has my vibrator! G_d, I hope she doesn't show it to Ryan. Or USE it! Eeeww!

The weird thing is that I kind of like the idea that she is punishing me. I mean, I would rather he was here than down there but it does make me feel like a naughty girl. Like I have been sent to bed without my dessert. The only problem is that that turns me on and I don't have Kendal.

Tue, Mar 14, 00

When I went over to make tea there was a woman there. A big black woman named Shona. I almost left as soon as I saw her, but Trish said it was alright. Then she asked if I would mind making them some tea. She has not asked that nicely in weeks. But it still meant I had to bring in the tea tray and pour it for them like the maid. They just kept talking like I wasn't there, but then Trish started pushing at her shoe with her other foot like she was going to take it off and I saw she was looking at me. I panicked. There was just no WAY I was going to do that with her friend there and I shook my head to tell her so. Luckily she just laughed and asked Shona if she wanted more tea.

After they were done and I cleaned the dishes, Trish said "That will be all for tonight, Marilyn", like I was her servant! Why can't she understand that I don't mind if it is just between us but nobody else. I am going to tell her tomorrow.

She gave me a shoebox when I was leaving and Kendal was inside.

Oh, I decided to skip Margaret this week. It is just this once and I have been thinking that it is kind of pointless recently. Besides, Wayne's goodbye dinner is on Thursday and it will be easier to tell her I will be busy if I am doing her a favour Wednesday.

Wed, Mar 15, 00

Well "something special" meant that she "let" me wash her underwear! By hand! This is getting really weird. No, it has been really weird for weeks but that was REALLY weird. I mean, I felt totally ridiculous doing it, like it was totally perverted. I mean it wasn't. I was just washing her clothes, but somehow it felt perverted because she acted like it was. Like this would be "something special" to me. I spent the whole time wondering what she would think I was thinking while I was doing it. Would she think that washing her underwear would be a big turn on for me? I mean it DID turn me on, but not because it was her underwear, or at least not much, but because she would think it was that and that I was a total pervert. Oh no, she must have caught me peaking up her skirt and thinks I... oh G_d, what does she think?!

Ryan got home before she did so I haven't seen her.

Thu, Mar 16, 00

Goodbye dinner for Wayne. Greg, the new computer guy sat right next to me! He is SO hot! I didn't think he liked me. Not that we have ever talked except the couple of times I had problems, but we talked all the way through dinner. I kind of felt like I was being rude to the everybody else but every time I would join their conversation somehow I would end up talking to him again. He is very interesting. And funny, too. I always feel so boring, though. He told me about his trip to Italy and when he asked me about me I didn't have anything to say. He asked me about a husband, boyfriend, kids and I know he was just trying to be nice and make conversation but I felt like such a loser.

It is sad to see Wayne go. He has been there longer than me and we used to have good talks.

Fri, Mar 17, 00

Trish wants me to go down again tomorrow morning and I am supposed to take Kendal. I wish she would leave him out of this. It makes me very uncomfortable to have her see him.

I hope I don't have to clean all day again. It was okay once, but it is not how I am going to spend my Saturdays.

Sat, Mar 18, 00

She wanted me to do all her housework again! I think she thinks I am just going to do all her cleaning from now on! I was really mad and I guess I looked it because while I vacuuming she pulled the plug out said I looked like I was going to kill something with it. She thought that was very funny. Yeah, ha ha, make me come over and do all your damned housework and then laugh when I don't look thrilled about it. I told her I don't want to spend every Saturday cleaning HER house and she looked totally shocked and asked if I didn't like vacuuming for her. No, not particularly, I told her and she just said "Then go scrub the kitchen floor instead". I couldn't believe it! I wanted to scream at her, and I kept trying but nothing would come out and after a minute of standing there with her saying "well?" and "go on, go clean the floor" and me feeling totally stupid but just standing there, she finally grabbed a bit of my hair and led me to the broom closet told me to pick up the bucket and then took me to the sink where I filled it. By the time I was on my knees scrubbing I was crying but I glad she had helped me do what she wanted. I felt so humiliated washing her floor like she had ordered, but I kept picturing Kendal who was sitting on top of the television.

She just stood there watching me, smiling like she is better than me because she had won. Then while I was rinsing it she suddenly asked, "does this turn you on?" I just froze. How can I answer that? I mean it does, but not the way I think she thinks and I also hate it, too, and even I don't understand how I can feel both at the same time so how can I explain it to her? She asked again but I didn't know what to say. Then she got angry and said she wanted an answer and if I was going to be difficult she could be too. And she told me to pull my underwear down! Well there was NO WAY I was going to do that but she came over and put her hand on the back of my head and pushed it until my face was on the wet floor. Then she stood on my hair so I was trapped there and started saying that she thinks this turns me on, that she thinks I am a dirty pervert who enjoys this and that I say I don't like cleaning her house but she thinks its a lie. And then she told me she would not tell me again to pull my panties down and she was not moving her foot until I did. I tried fighting and told her to let me go but she told me I knew what to do. I was crying and felt so helpless and embarrassed, especially because I knew that my panties would be wet but they were only getting wetter the longer I stayed like that. It must have been at least a couple of minutes before I realized that I really did not have any choice, so I did it. She made me pull them right down to my knees and then said that that is how a pervert like me should clean the floor and told me to start cleaning. And I did. I started cleaning her floor with my face pressed to it and when she finally moved her foot I just kept cleaning it, crying with my panties down around my knees. It felt so stupid and I could feel the wetness dripping down my thighs and I was praying that it would not go below my skirt. When I was finished she asked me if I was ready to finish the vacuuming now. I guess I was. I sure wasn't angry any more and I didn't even think, I just got up to go do it, feeling ridiculous pulling my underwear back up in front of her, but she said "leave them there". She made me vacuumed her entire house with my underwear around my ankles! I was so embarrassed it felt like it was about a thousand degrees in there I just wanted to grab Kendal and run upstairs and either use him or cry. Or both. And the thing is, the longer I did it the more I liked the feeling, knowing I looked absolutely retarded and that she was laughing at me. And she was. She was playing with Alyssa and laughing and pointing at me. I couldn't hear what she was saying, but I know she was being mean. I used to think that maybe she gets turned on embarrassing me the same way I get turned on when she does it, but I don't think so anymore. I think she just likes being mean to me. Just like all the girls in high school use to. The They make themselves feel important by laughing at me and making me feel pathetic. Only now I am helping her. Which only makes me more pathetic. And turned on.

Sun, Mar 19, 00

She just took Kendal away. She came up stairs and made me wash him and give him to her because I kept her awake last night. I kept HER awake? Like how about all the times she's woken ME up?! Its my own fault, I guess. I sort of did it deliberately. Last night I was feeling so nasty after what she made me do that I used Kendal in the bedroom for the first time since I found out they could here me. I wanted her to hear me. I wanted her to know what I was doing and that what she had made me do turned me on. I did it when I first got home and a few more times and finally when they were having sex, but kept going when they stopped. It just felt so nasty and dirty to be doing it when I knew they could hear me that I just kept going. I stopped for a while but thinking about it turned me on again and even when I was telling myself I shouldn't I couldn't stop myself. Then she banged on the wall and told me to "stop playing with yourself" and that just made me come SO hard until she told me to "shut the fuck up". Well that just made

She's using him! Oh gross, she is using Kendal! Yuck! Oh that is SO disgusting! Oh I feel sick. How could she do that? How can I use him now? Maybe I will have to get a new one. But I don't WANT a new one. I want Kendal and I don't want her using MY vibrator. Get your own, you bitch!

Oh I'm going to kill her! I just pounded my fist on the wall and told her to stop and she told me to mind my own business. This IS my business. She is using MY vibrator! Oh yeah and of course she does the huge fake pornstar talk she does with Ryan like she is even better with Kendal then I am. Oh I don't know what to do. I want to cry but I'm not. What I want to do is use Kendal! Oh that was SO fake. Nobody makes that much noise when they come alone. I don't think. I know she is just trying to make me jealous. Well I don't know what I feel, but it isn't jealousy.

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Just had a total meltdown. She has stopped now. I feel... sort of violated. Like she has ruined something for me. I guess if I clean him really well I can use him again but I just feel like I will always know in the back of my mind.

Mon, Mar 20, 00

I barely got any sleep last night worrying about whether I should ask for Kendal back, and thought about it all day, but when I was with her I couldn't. Well, actually, I was worrying about it but I was also missing Kendal. Its like with him gone I REALLY need to use him. My panties were wet all day because I kept picturing her at home using him and it is just so gross that it turns me on. The more I thought about it the more it turned me on. It makes me feel pathetic that I just let her take away my vibrator. That I really want to use him and I can't but she can. I am not even sure if I couldn't ask for him back because I was embarrassed or because it turns me on that she is making me suffer. Ooh, I can feel my hoo-hoo twinge when I wrote that. I was going to write that maybe it is some of each but now I wonder. G_d, I wish I was normal.

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I was just cooking dinner and I heard her using him again and I had to go listen. It made me all wet to picture what she was doing with MY Kendal and I wanted him so badly that I felt like I wanted to cry. But I thought about what I wrote before about liking that she makes me suffer, and it really does turn me on so much. I just wish I could get this turned on and have him too.

Tue, Mar 21, 00

I am going to get Kendal back! She wants me to babysit again tomorrow and I told her I had an appointment and she said if I do it, she will give me Kendal back. I feel guilty canceling Margaret again, but I just have to. I went through most of the day with wet panties again and, well, I am afraid this just seems more important. That is so sad, Marilyn. But it is true.