The New Owners - 03 March

I felt terrible afterward. I washed him off and went back out and gave him back to her and left without saying a word. I still feel horrible.

Fri Mar 31 00

She had me kneel beside her again - I like kneeling there, it feels good – and held out Kendal, but then asked me if I wanted to go to the bathroom again. I didn't know what to say. I didn't exactly want to, but I didn't not want to either. I couldn't make myself say "yes", but I didn't want to say "no" so I just knelt there like an idiot looking at Kendal, trying to decide what to say and thinking about when I used to be able to use him whenever I wanted. Finally she got impatient and said she did not have all day and did I want to go to the bathroom or not. I just nodded and took him and left.

Okay, if I am going to be honest with myself, I can say I feel horrible and disgusted with myself when I am in there doing it like a trained seal – and I really do feel awful – but the truth is that I feel really great, too. I don't know how I can feel both those things at once, but I do. I don't even know why I feel so good. Maybe...

It feels like fresh air. Like the dirty thoughts I have always had are somehow not so bad because she being mean to me. That doesn't make any sense. But that is what it feels like. When I went back to give her Kendal again, she asked me if I had a nice time and I nodded, but I was suddenly filled with a feeling of deep gratitude and said "Thank you, Mrs. Barnabas". I am not even sure for what. Not for letting me masturbate in her bathroom. Maybe for giving me some small nice thing for all the bad things she does to me. Or maybe for being mean and nice to me in the way I seem to like it. Even though I hate it too. That does not make any sense. But I am beginning to think that none of this makes any sense and that I have to just stop trying to make it. I just know that when I thanked her, I really meant it.

I am not going to give my notice this month. I will give it one more month and then decide.