All Comments on 'The Phone Call That Day'

Great start, please write more.

Following you.

You need to work on word usage. There are way to many sentences beginning with 'so'.

To many so's as well as well's

So, so, so, so, so, so,................

So rubbish

Great start.

Got me hard, but disappointing finish.

Too short

Keep the story Cumming

When telling a story to the half-drunk stranger sitting on the adjacent bar stool, it's okay to speak "informally". When writing down a story for someone to read, that "informal" dialog becomes distracting.

Think Jeff Foxworthy, the comedian. In his act, he'll say an "informal" (meaning, redneck) word and then translate it. Like, "Yauntoo", which means "Do you want to?" This might make some sense if you're hearing it, but if you wrote everything "informally", your readers would simply give up on the story.

How many people need to point out your overuse of words like "so", and "well", etc, before you acknowledge they might have a point?

I'd suggest you take this criticism to heart, make a conscious effort to do better, PROOF READ to make corrections that are needed, and see if you get a better response from the next story.

You do have a great potential here but you need to add more to the plot as they make out. The making out on the bed while both were talking on the phone was great. It set the tone of the story. So now, his sister needs to take it a step further but feeling his cock while he's on the phone and letting him do it to her. They can then advance to where they start masturbating each other or kissing etc. Great potential here. Thanks.

Noticed you haven't written in awhile. Nice return story. Follow what some of the others have said. Stretch the story out a little bit. Be a little bit more graphic without being fake. I hope you write another story or chapter so we can see how the relationship progresses. (They gotta finis what they started) :--)

another chapter would make it hotter...

She went to her room and left the door open

You go get a towel?

No, you go to her room and offer to help.

Don't worry about next time, finish what she started

but don't stop now. This could get very sexy very soon.

Buy a thesaurus

Hey Anonymous: Awesome!; you are one sick individual.

I appreciate the feedback. Now that I've re-read the story I shouldn't have used the word "so" at the beginning of a sentence. I see that now. I apologize.

I was asked if this story and "After The Bad Date" were real or fiction. Also, with respect to the comments about amping up the carnal aspect of the story, I have a response. These two stories were real, not works of fiction. I wrote the story pretty much the way it happened, with hardly any embellishment. Please remember, I was young and relatively inexperienced. Also, at the time, we were pushing the envelope, so to speak.

Hi, the idea of the story was good...

Your writing skills are dreadful...

You use the word "so" far too often...

No descriptions, without these we cant even get our imaginations running ...

An editor is required, and fast...

One page stories are far too short, but if you were to include descriptions, a little info about your Sister whos name isnt even mentioned then it might fall into two pages...

2* for the effort.

too hot to leave it here

No text

Need to write a page 2. You can't just stop the story here.RbGPtP

Great start, but you need to continue.

Loved it I have been playing with my younger sister as long as I can remember.