The Porn Crisis

So what are my advantages, compared to him? I don't have any. He's the perfect package for a woman. Good looking, large cock, a star, self-confident, probably rich. Yeah, self-confident. I've been that too. I clearly remember the time.

I watch Ellen as he fucks her. She looks at him like a lovesick teenager. She blows him with a loving look on her sweet face, a look I haven't seen for a long time.

The next scene shows him fucking her pussy and her ass, which I rarely get. She always said it's too painful but she obviously has no problem with his much larger cock.

She's very vocal and seems to genuinely get off on it. Shit. This is bad. She's not acting. This really destroys me. She sucks his dick right after it's been in her ass. They make a point to show this scene without a cut. This is even worse. Of course, she never did anything like that for me.

xx

MIKE

I'm still deeply in some kind of depression when I receive a text from her. It surprises me that she still cares enough to even contact me. "i ve been a big hit my orgasms are quite convincing maybe i ll do another movie"

"do what you want. i'm not sure if i'll be here when you return anyway. you have already cheated. not in the spur of the moment, but in a planned way. i don't think we still have a marriage left."

"wait. i'll come home asap."

Meanwhile, I move my stuff into the spare bedroom. I'm still totally unsure how to react to all of this. I just see no outcome that seems appealing to me. I still love her but I also can't stand the cold and uncaring way she's treated me. The cheating. Her new porn addiction. Our missing intimacy. The mechanical sex. Me being pushed into some kind of female role in our relationship. This last thought makes me sick.

xx

ELLEN

Shit, why does he take this so serious? It's been just harmless fun. Maybe it was a mistake to send him the link? But he would have seen the movie anyway if he wanted. "If we still have a marriage left?" That didn't sound good. Shit. Ramon was fantastic, as expected. But I don't want to lose my marriage over it. I'm in mild panic on my way home. The trip takes an eternity. I love Mike more than anything, although I have to admit that I might not have fully shown it recently. Yes, I've been a bitch towards him and he has endured it. He has suffered. Suddenly it all becomes clear. Why haven't I seen this? I'm fully determined to make it up to him.

xx

MIKE

She returns home surprisingly . And even though I'm quite reserved, she showers me with affection. She's sweet and caring, tries to kiss and touch me all the time.

My problem is - I just can't stand to touch her. I involuntarily jerk back when she does. I have to think of Ramon all the time. And I come up short in comparison. And I even feel a little repulsed of her body, although I still love her. I explain it to her and she seems very understanding. She promises to give me room and says that she loves me.

I'm sad and depressed. I think that I have lost my lover, my companion and best friend. I still spend the lonely nights in the guest room.

xx

ELLEN

Mike has finally relaxed a little after three long weeks of hard work. At least he touches me again and occasionally kisses me but he still seems aloof. Maybe it's time to talk about sex, we need to bring back our intimacy. I realize that I've been neglecting this aspect recently. A little dirty talk might be just the right thing.

"Mike, do you like my boobs?"

"Yes, very much so."

"I think they're too small." Men love to talk about boobs. I hope this will do the trick and loosen him up a little.

"Don't even think about it. If you want to enlarge them, it would be for more porn movies. I don't want that. And I hate fake tits. How they look, how they feel, they simply repulse me."

Well, that didn't go well... he still doesn't trust me. Is he still that insecure? And he connects everything I do with porn. Have I caused this? He always was so strong and confident.

"It would be just for you, baby. I thought you'd maybe like them a little bigger."

"So you plan to do more movies and you need bigger tits for it?"

"No, no. Honey... I... I never want to repeat this. Never again. This has hurt you too much. Sorry... Mike, I've been so dumb and insensitive. I was just swept away with the opportunity. And I had hoped you'd enjoy it too. That you'd be proud once you see the movie."

"No, proudness is not exactly the right term to describe my feelings. Sickness, sadness, loss, humiliation. Ellen, I'm already unsure about marriage. I couldn't stay with you if you did more movies."

"Okay. I'm really... Well, I'm so terribly sorry. You can trust me, it won't ever happen again. You know that I've never lied to you."

Why does he always have to threaten with divorce? And I think we have a complete different view on sexuality meanwhile. Mine seems to be the male perspective, his the female. Weird. I like big boobs, he doesn't. I like porn, he doesn't. I separate sex from love, he doesn't.

"So you don't like big boobs generally?"

"The size doesn't really matter. The breast should be beautiful in itself, like yours are. I hate these bolted-on artificial looking ones. The nipples point in different directions, the shape is completely unnatural."

"Oh, I think they look quite sexy. But of course, you decide this. You're the only one that will benefit from them in the future."

"Yes, apart from the endless mass of wankers watching your movie."

Shit. Everything I say backfires somehow. He's not making this any easier for me. He's really hurt more deeply than I had expected. I think the mountain I have to climb might be a big one.

MIKE

Ruin her boobs in such a porn-bimbo style? Is she crazy?

But it seems that she might have come to her senses finally. Let's wait...

xx

ELLEN

Four weeks without sex. This is hell. Porn is good, but I desperately need a cock. Mike's cock, to be more specific. Well, I have it right now in some way. It is right in my hand. It's just the state that it's in that makes the situation less than perfect. His dick is completely limp.

"Why, Mike?"

"I'm not sure about myself. If I still can satisfy you. And you had unprotected sex."

"Okay, I'll get myself tested. And then I'm going to show you how much you satisfy me, stud."

He genuinely seems unsure of himself, maybe the Ramon video has hurt him even more than I thought. Shit, I've had a self-confident man. Now I have a mental wreck. What have I done? What can I do? I don't want to lose him.

xx

MIKE

The test results come up two weeks later. She's clean. Shit. I'm not exactly looking forward to what will inevitably happen now. She will initiate sex. Hard pounding, not slow love-making. Mainly to make a point.

"See, they're professionals."

"How did they know that you're clean?"

She doesn't answer this. Instead she drags me into the bedroom.

"Come on, big boy. I'm horny as hell."

She sure blows me nicely. After I'm nicely hard, I enter her pussy and start to fuck her. And that's what it is, just fucking. No loving, slow cuddling any more. No intimacy, no emotions. A quick blow-job and then wham, bam. It seems to be just what she needs right now. Every male's dream, just not mine: uncomplicated sex. No foreplay or cuddling necessary. But that has exactly been what I've always enjoyed most and where my strengths have been. In the straight jackhammer-fucking competition I can only lose against Ramon.

And now I have to think of Ramon again. How has he felt for her? Much bigger. Much better also? Probably. He has more muscles. And a lot more experience. And more self-confidence. She seemed to get off almost immediately. He certainly has filled her up a lot better than I can. Is size really important? It seems so.

I notice that I've stopped fucking her at some point, lost in thought. I've already lost my erection, mostly. I'm ashamed, I can't satisfy her any more. I've really lost her to Ramon. I quickly get off her and roll over so she does not see how sad and ashamed I am.

ELLEN

Finally, I have him back in our bed again. Even have sex with him. I'm so relieved that I could cry. And the sex itself is nice. Not mind-blowing, like it has been with Ramon. But nice. And I love only him, not Ramon.

I realize that before my penchant for porn, sex with Mike was as mind-blowing as it was with Ramon, although in a completely different way. It somehow isn't any more, we seem to have lost this fantastic sex. I can still have it, but only with Ramon? And only mediocre sex with Mike? That would be bad, I love only Mike. Maybe we can re-connect somehow. I will have to be patient and work on it.

But - shit - he suddenly is somehow absent-minded. During sex? He even stops fucking me. You've got to be kidding. This has never happened to me.

And even worse - I feel his erection is shrinking. Shit. He looks like a beaten dog, so very sad. He gets off me, turns away from me and buries his head into his pillow.

Oh my, this is bad. What's going on? What have I done? This hasn't spiced up our sex life at all. He had always asked me not to do it. Shit... why have I been such a stubborn bitch?

What do I do now? Cuddle with him? Or leave him some space?

"Mike, I'm... I'm so... sorry. It seemed so exciting, just some innocent fun. You know... It's not worth endangering our marriage. Totally not. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it."

He doesn't even answer. This is real bad. The problem is that sex with Ramon WAS exciting. And I'm afraid that I've shown it in the movie. That's why they wanted me to do another one. Mike has surely read my reaction correctly, he is not dumb or insensitive. This had to damage his self-esteem. What have I been thinking?

"I know that I've hurt you and I'm really sorry now. I wouldn't have stood to watch you with a hot girl with bigger tits either. Give me some time, Mike. I'll try to repair it."

"Okay," he quietly says, stands up and leaves for the guest room. Shit, what do I do now?

xx

ELLEN

At breakfast, I almost don't dare to talk to him. But I have to do something.

"You want to talk about it, honey?" I cautiously ask.

"No. Not really, no. You know - this hasn't been my hour of honor exactly."

"Honey? What have you been thinking of at this moment?"

"Of... Well, of Ramon."

"Oh, shit."

"Yes. Oh, shit."

We continue to eat in silence, in a sad mood. How can I repair this? I have no idea. Damn.

xx

ELLEN

I try to make love to him again two days later. He simply refuses.

Three days later he agrees to try but fails to have an erection altogether.

"Honey, I've stopped watching porn."

"Good for you." He seems so cold suddenly. This frightens me.

"Aren't you happy about it?"

"Ellen, I think the damage is already done. You've told me even before you left for L.A. that my cock is not big. Then you left me to make a porn movie against my will. Then I had to watch you having the orgasm of your life with this man and his enormous cock. How do you think I will ever have self-confidence again?"

"Baby, you're a great lover. You always have been. Your cock is big enough."

"Then why did you want to watch porn movies while we had sex?"

"Mike... I don't know... It was... It was just kinky. Exciting. Something new."

"And you watched Ramon on the screen instead of me. While we made love."

Oh, shit. I did, didn't I?

"I'm sorry."

"I know, but that doesn't change what's happened. You were bored with me, you looked for added stimulation. And you received it while looking at Ramon fucking. Have you imagined being fucked by him while we had sex?"

"Sometimes, yes. But it didn't mean a thing."

"It did. Enough to let you actually go to L.A. and publicly cheat on me with Ramon."

"Publicly? What? Yes, that's how it probably has looked from your perspective. Sorry. Really, I'm terribly sorry. For me it was just porn. It was only fiction. It wasn't connected to us. It had nothing to do with love or with our marriage. I had separated these things, as crazy as it might sound. This porn thing wasn't real life for me."

"Well, your orgasms with him were obviously real life. He's handsome, his cock is huge, he got you off like I never could. How can I compete? Even if we stay together, our love making is already history. I can't do that without self-confidence."

"Mike, you got me off very nicely before I started with this porn madness."

"Maybe. But we both have changed since then. I doubt that I ever can compete with Ramon. With the image of Ramon in your mind. Or in my mind."

"You can. But you don't have to, I love only you. I don't compare you to anyone. The porn just confused me."

"Ellen, I'm totally destroyed and sad about it. But I think I will have to divorce you."

What? Oh no! Panic starts to overwhelm me.

"Mike! Mike, please don't! Mike! Don't leave me. Don't. I will somehow fix this. Give me some time. I will do everything I possibly can to make this work. Do you want to have sex with another woman to build up your confidence again?"

"What would that change? If I could get hard with her, how would that change the problems I have with you? I would know that she won't compare me to Ramon, but you would. And if I can't have an erection even with her, I'm destroyed anyway."

"Oh god, what have I done?"

"You have destroyed my confidence as a man. My sexuality. Our marriage. Why did you have to send me this damn video?"

"Sorry, that was probably a big mistake. I was just so delighted and proud at the time. How well my first take had gone and that I could compete with these girls. I did it for you, partially. To stimulate you, to flatter you. That you have a successful porn star as your wife. Who comes back to you and only you."

"Well, that backfired."

"Yes. Sadly. I think we can call that my brain-dead period. Mike... I don't want to lose you, you're everything to me. I... I shouldn't have gone to L.A. Or even have started watching porn at all. You always refused it and you were right."

"Yes. I don't want to lose you either. But I already have."

"Mike, please..." I start to sob now. "Mike..." He holds my hands, looking sympathetic.

"I love you, Ellen. But I'm not man enough to keep you. You will always think of Ramon when we have sex. I will always think of him too. We both don't want it, but we have already lost each other. Our marriage won't work without sex. You need to find someone with a huge cock and then try to keep his confidence intact."

"Mike..." is all I can get out between my sobs.

"I'll do the paperwork tomorrow. Sorry." He just leaves the room.

I break down completely now. My life is gone. The love of my life. My best friend. The man I wanted to have children and grow old with.

xx

MIKE

It's the saddest thing I've ever done. But I actually file for divorce, rent an apartment and move my stuff there. She can keep our rented house and I agree to support her financially. She cries all the time, apologizes, tries to console me, offers sex, even tries to physically stop me when I finally leave. It's hard for me and we're both crying. I promise her that we'll stay friends. She promises that she'll never touch another man. I try to dissuade her from doing that but she seems adamant about it.

xx

ELLEN

He's gone. Just like that. It's real, Ellen. He won't come back. He's gone for days now. I still talk to him occasionally, even if he's not there. I sometimes ask something, assuming he's right in the other room. Then I realize it again. He's gone.

Our bed is so unbelievably cold and empty without him. The nights are the worst time. I feel so alone, so very lost without him.

The whole world is moving on. People are laughing all around me, living their lives. Mine has come to a full stop. Nothing is happening. I can't move on, I don't have the motivation to do anything. I just sit at home, moping around.

xx

MIKE

After I've left her, she tries to call me all the time. Sends me little text messages, Emails, letters, small presents. Telling me that she loves me and only me. That our sex before she started this porn madness was marvelous. At least as good as with Ramon. That she'll never watch porn again. Or touch another man. That the L.A. guys have contacted her and that she has refused.

Finally, it stops completely. I'm sad. But I'm also glad because it's necessary for both of us. We can both move on now.

For months all I do is work. And work out. I steel my body. I want to beat Ramon in at least one way. Not for her, but for me. I need to re-establish my confidence at least as a man, if not as a lover. I don't hear a word from Ellen and that suits me just fine. The problem is that even without having any contact with her, I think about her all the time. I think what she might be doing now. If she already has found another man. If she's lying awake in bed, like I do. I still love her. Damn.

xx

ELLEN

I even try to watch porn again. I'm not in the mood for it at all, but maybe I can force myself to have a little relief. But watching it makes me physically sick. I just can't forget what I've lost because of it. The people on the screen are mindlessly fucking like animals, without real emotions. It's just completely hollow and worthless. It suddenly feels like the scum of humanity for me.

Why have I driven away the love of my life for this empty shit? I have no idea, none at all. How could I have hurt him like that? What was my goal? What have I wanted to achieve? Spice up our sex? Make Mike proud that he has his own porn-star? No, Ellen, that's just absurd. I was just selfish, mindless, cruel, uncaring. That's the truth and this shitty movie mercilessly reminds me of that fact. I have to turn the crap off, it makes me sick. On a sudden impulse I dump it all into the garbage.

Ellen, how in hell could you have been THAT stupid? Shit...

I hear some noise in the living room.

"Mike? Is that you?" I practically run over there. But there is nothing and nobody which even makes me feel more alone and afraid. Where did that noise come from? But maybe some mad serial killer would be just the solution I deserve. No, don't be silly, girl. You need to survive and get him back. But how? Maybe I should call him again? Can I stand the rejection again? I don't k. It might kill the small remaining part of my self-esteem. And I don't want to annoy him.

Eat. Ellen, you have to eat. You can't lose even more weight. If you want to win him back, you can't look like a scarecrow. Doesn't matter what, just do it. Okay, ice cream maybe. Yuck! That's awful. Nothing seems to be tasty any more.

I watch people passing by and I think I'm the loneliest person on Earth. And the dumbest.

My doorbell. Yes! Finally. He's back. Mike! I jump up, full of energy and joy. I run to it and yank it open, ready to fly into his arms.

Ramon is standing there. My knees go weak.

xx

MIKE

Fantastic. A rainy day. This is just the weather I need. Not only does it match my mood perfectly, there is also no obligation to go outside and do all that happy stuff that people are supposed to do on sunny days.

There is not much happy stuff happening in my life anyway by now. The love of my life is lost and I begin to question every aspect of my daily life. Why am I doing this? Why am I worrying about that? There is no reason, nothing to achieve, no ambitions. She's gone from my life.

While I'm staring at the raindrops on my windows, wallowing in my depressed mood, my doorbell has the insolence to disturb me with that silly, happy and totally inappropriate tune.

I open the door and have a small shock. A guy I only know too well is standing there. Ramon Gutierrez. He's standing in the rain, already quite wet and busy getting even wetter. But he's apparently totally unperturbed about it.