The Serenity of Servitude Ch. 01

In response Nicole stared blankly back at Megan, not sure of what to say. Nicole was mostly disgusted by everything that Megan had told her. Yet there was a part of her that understood what Megan was saying, that was the most troubling part. Nicole was confused and felt she was no closer to getting the resolution she sought when she had come over here. Nicole had just about had her fill of this bizarre conversation and felt like she had to get this talk back on track.

"I'm glad you two are happy," Nicole started out in a condescending manner but had to pause to shake her head. "But what does this have to do with me?"

"Because, Nicole, what really is bothering you is that you are a Submissive woman who has just lost her Dominant. This is compounded by the fact that you don't even realize that you are in fact a Submissive woman." Megan explained with confidence and compassion.

"Now I know that you're full of shit! There is no way that I would have the slightest inclination to do any of that BULLSHIT!" Nicole scoffed in disgust and stormed out of the house.

"Oh yeah, defiantly a Submissive in denial," Megan said to herself.

Megan pondered on the events of the evening. Perhaps she told Nicole too much too soon; it is a lot to absorb at once. Nicole can be a silly little thing though, and if she does come around it will have to be handled carefully. One thing was for certain though, if Nicole continued to treat Megan the way she had she would not be welcome in Megan's life. With that resolve, Megan finished tidying up and went to bed.

Nicole was in no better a state than she had been before she visited Megan. For the rest of the week Nicole kept a low profile with Megan and Mark, not knowing how to relate with either of them at this moment. Try as she might, Nicole wasn't able to see a solution to the life-questions that swirled around in her head. Nagging at her was the conversation she had had with Megan and Megan's accusation that she, Nicole, the ultimate "modern woman" was a Submissive! The most aggravating thing was that a small part of her thought Megan might be right but Nicole ignored that part of herself, writing it off to chaos and confusion that her life was currently in.

When Nicole walked into the community meeting that next Monday night (late as usual) she got quite a shock when she saw Mark standing there talking to another member of the group. The last people she wanted to see right now was either Megan or Mark. It was not odd to see Mark at a community meeting; in fact it would be odd not to see Mark at the community meetings.

Nicole stood there in just inside the doorway and looked over her good friend whom she felt somehow betrayed by. Nicole tried to see if she could see some telltale sign of what she now knew to be true about him. He had always been a good man: caring, giving, compassionate and a good friend. He wasn't bad to look at, but he wasn't overly handsome, either. Mark stood a little short for a man at 5'6 but had the broad shoulders and solid figure of a stocky build. His hair was buzzed short and the bald patch on the top of his head had always been there, as long as she had known him. Likewise his glasses had always been a part of him.

It was his glasses along with his keen mind and training in computers that had garnered him the label of "computer geek" from her. Nicole didn't know how to relate to him, as that label didn't seem to fit him. For one thing Mark seemed more confident, more sure of himself than she had known him to be in the past. Perhaps it was just her own perceptions of Mark were changing and not Mark, himself. This thought was the most distressing thought of all for Nicole.

Even though Nicole barely spoke two words to Mark all night, he never left her thoughts. For the remainder of the meeting Nicole watched Mark, trying to figure out what made him tick. It was her thought, that if she could discover his secret, then she could help Megan see Mark for the controlling jerk he was. On some level she still wanted to be his friend, she didn't hate him, just what he was doing to Megan.

All of this attention focused on Mark made Nicole acutely away of Mark's needs that night. Those needs she took care of, almost on a subconscious level, her mind was distracted by thoughts of how twisted Mark was. What she did was never anything large or noticeable. When his throat sounded dry, she poured him a glass of water. When his pen ran out of ink, she fetched him another pen. It was these little things that she did without thinking of, or being asked. A small part of Nicole took pride and pleasure in taking care of Mark, even if in small ways.

Oddly enough even Nicole didn't realize what she was doing or why. It wasn't until she was on her way home that the though hit her that she was actually "serving" Mark and liking it! The thought hit her so hard and shocked her so much that she almost swerved off the road. Nicole panicked at the mere thought that perhaps there was a chance that Megan was right! Nicole pushed that thought out of her mind and continued on home.

* * *

Megan welcomed Mark home after the meeting, and they chatted about their respective days while Megan finished up the dishes. Mark was in a frustrated mood after the meeting, and explained to Megan why he was so irritated.

"It's that damn Nicole," Mark began with a grumble.

"What she do this time?" Megan asked as she rolled her eyes.

"She's always running late and never has her act together. She seems to float through, thinking that everyone will pick up the slack for her, because she acts like a cutie-pie. The most frustrating thing is that it works!" Mark grumbled and walked down the hall towards the bathroom, leaving Megan to ponder his words.

* * *

Nicole may have been successful in pushing that thought away that night but time and again over the next week her thoughts drifted to the conversation that she had had with Megan and the strange way she had behaved at the community meeting. Nicole even thought about her life and career: she was a hostess. She played music, talked to people, and did what it took to make them happy and she took great pride in joy in doing so.

It was during a typical bar gig that Nicole watched the interaction between an overbearing man and a mousy little woman and saw that both of them were happy. Nicole realized that it didn't matter what others thought, all that mattered was that people loved each other and made each other happy. Since Nicole was happy taking care of people at her gigs, perhaps she could be happy taking care of a man, like Megan had described.

Still, it was not something she could accept, just yet, but the she had to admit that the idea did appeal to some increasingly vocal part of her that wouldn't be silenced. She still had more questions than answers, and needed help sorting it all out. Begrudgingly she realized that she would have to go back to Megan and apologize. While this was not something she was looking forward to, the help and guidance that she needed was worth the sacrifice of her pride.

A shrill sound jarred Megan out of the novel she was reading, and with a sigh she left the book to check the Caller ID. Noting Nicole's number she answered it warily." If you're calling to lecture and complain about who I am, I'm not in the mood." Megan spoke tersely into the phone.

As Megan and Nicole had always shared a special closeness in their years of friendship; the coldness in Megan's voice startled her. Realizing the hurt she had caused her friend Nicole spoke carefully." I was wondering if I can come out and talk to you."

"It's getting late, but I can talk for a little while. It's 9:00 now. If you're not here by 9:30 don't bother coming out." Megan said in a commanding tone, thus setting a guideline she was sure Nicole could not meet.

"I won't be late." Nicole replied, feeling contrite with the distance between herself and her closest friend.

"Fine. See you shortly then." With that abrupt comment Megan hung up on Nicole.

Looking around her living room in a moment of panic, Nicole realized she had to hurry as it was a 15 minute drive to get to Megan's house in the next town. Quickly gathering up her jacket, phone and keys, Nicole hopped in her truck and headed out of town. A semi truck hauling some large piece of equipment was slowly moving up the highway, backing up traffic. Nicole joined the long line of cars, hoping for an opportunity to pass as she watched the numbers on the dashboard mark the passage of time.

With each passing minute getting closer to the deadline Megan had imposed Nicole felt her agitation growing. Thought of her friends displeasure swirled in her mind, with increasing worry about being late. Realization hit her like a brick when it dawned on her that it wasn't so much being late that worried her as she was late ALL the time... it was being late after Megan had TOLD her not to be. Fast on the heels of this revelation came the thought that this was just one more piece of evidence that Megan was right.

Finally able to pass the lumbering semi, Nicole pushes the limits of her truck and arrived at Megan's house at 9:31. Timidly she knocked on the door. Megan opens the door with a steely gaze. "You're late." The displeasure in her voice was evident. Megan has known Nicole for 10 long years and like John had grown tired of Nicole's selfish ways.

Nicole stood trembling on the porch as her long time friend looked at her. "Please may I come in. I really want to talk to you about what you mentioned last time I was out. I'm sorry I was late, there was a big truck moving something on the highway and it held up the traffic. I really tried to be here on time and..." Nicole's words dwindled off when she realized she was rambling and that it was not having any effect on Megan.

They stood in silence for a moment before Megan spoke. "What does it mean to be on time?"

"It shows respect." Nicole meekly answered.

"And if punctuality shows respect what does lateness show?" Megan asked with an edge to her voice.

"Disrespect... but that wasn't what I meant to do. I didn't mean to disrespect you, I was just..." Again her words trailed away when she saw the look on her friends face.

"If you can't respect me enough to be on time then there is nothing I can teach you. And since you disapprove of Mark and I then there is no reason for you to be here after the allowed time to visit." Megan spoke coldly to the once treasured friend who had now lost the little respect Megan once had for her.

"I am sorry. And I don't exactly disapprove... I just don't understand. But I am willing to try to understand, and I would like to discuss it with you. Please." On the last word came a contrite tremble to Nicole's voice. Hearing the hint of submissiveness in Nicole's voice Megan smiled, and let her friend into the house. The groundwork had been laid, now it was time to see where it led.

Nicole removed her coat and kicked off her shoes at the door. Intending to leave them where they lay until she saw the look on Megan's face. Putting her shoes on the rack, and hanging up her coat she followed Megan into the Living room where they each sat down to talk.

"I have to work in the morning and I have to get the kids off to school. So let's make this brief. I don't have the luxury of sleeping till noon." Megan conveyed with her tone she was not in the mood for any of Nicole's antics.

"I've been thinking." Nicole started nervously.

"About?" Megan asked in the same cold tone.

"About the things you said... About being a Submissive." Nicole's words belied the embarrassment she felt.

"Have you now," Megan replied dryly.

"Yes... And I'm afraid you might be right." Nicole's voice trembled slightly.

"Might? Is that all or do you feel anything else?" Megan asked kindly, fully understanding the turmoil that comes before embracing something you've denied for so long.

"I'm also afraid... And I'm worried." Nicole replied, relieved her friend was speaking to her in a more pleasant tone of voice.

"Why?" Megan's tone encouraged Nicole to continue.

"My life is a mess. I haven't made any progress in growing my business, nor in developing my rental properties. The trailers are still a wreck and I've had them for years now. I just lost John and I love him so much. There's this huge distance between us now, Between Mark and I also. I just don't know what to think anymore about either of you." Nicole began trying to explain the maelstrom of thoughts swirling inside her mind.

"Be careful how you speak of Mark and I. I won't tolerate the same behaviour as the last time you were here." Megan spoke curtly.

Realizing how precarious her friendship with Megan was at the moment Nicole spoke quickly. "Oh no... that's not what I meant. Simply that all I thought I knew seems to be changing and I'm not sure how to handle it... even my perceptions of myself." Nicole finished meekly.

"Really... how so?" Megan asked curiously, with a knowing smile.

"I've noticed a tendency to serve in my life. I do what I can to make people happy at work, through my job. I was happiest when I was doing something for John to make him happy. I like to do things for people... most of the time, if it doesn't conflict with what I want. It is things like that that make me think you could be right... but on the other hand I've had to admit that John was right about a few things. I am selfish, and childish. I want things my way, and I'm bossy. Those are dominant traits. I just don't know who I am anymore. How can I have traits of both if I'm a Submissive?" Nicole finished with a confused look on her face.

"Now that you mention John, I have another question for you. What drew you to him in the first place? What are some of his qualities as a person?" Megan asked trying to help her friend understand what she was inside.

Nicole reflected on the past for a moment in silence before answering "Well he's handsome, charming, smart, funny, confident, self employed and relatively well off." Nicole replied wondering where this was going.

"Confident?" Megan asked in a teasing voice.

"Yes, he has something about him that makes it seem like he has it all under control," Nicole replied even more confused.

"You forgot to mention that he is also selfish, and sarcastic, and arrogant... but never mind that for now. His confidence drew you to him among other things, right? That is because he is a Dominant. Your submissive side was searching for a Dom, whether you consciously realize it or not. It is a part of you, deep inside at the core. I've always had it but only realized it recently. For some Domination and Submission is just a game they sometimes play. But for others it is more than just bedroom games. The ones that play at it have not come to terms with their true selves just yet. They may never fully grasp it. For some they are too scared, or shy, or just plain in denial. However, until they embrace it there will always be this yearning inside for something they are afraid to even name, let alone reach out for." Megan spoke gently to her friend.

"That makes sense... sort of." Nicole uneasily replies while blushing furiously.

"You asked how you can be a Sub while having dominant traits. Well I ask you, would you have characterized me as a Sub? On one hand I have been "trained" by my parents, teachers, and my ex to be obedient; to do as I'm told and that their will overrules mine. I like to do things for others, even at my own expense. I have always desired to please others. It is these aspects of me that were the beginning of my Submissiveness. On the other hand I am a Mom which is a dominant position if there ever was one. Plus I'm the Manager of my store. I organize and keep order in both my home and my work. In those aspects yes I am dominant. However there is a difference between acting and being. I can act dominant when it's necessary but that doesn't change the fact that I am a Sub." Megan finished with a satisfied smile, noting the look of understanding beginning to creep across Nicole's face.

"But how do you know that I am a Sub when I have so many Dominant traits? I can see how you see yourself that way, but I can't wrap my head around that view for myself. I have too much self respect to grovel for anyone." Nicole replied defiantly, trying to deny that Megan's words rang true.

"Well, you said yourself that you loved serving John, even when he was less than nice about asking for things. You also said that in your work, which you love, you spend a great deal of time and energy making people happy. You like to please people. Plus you admitted that I am right. You are a Submissive, period." Megan spoke decisively

"When did I admit it!? I said you 'might' be right!" Nicole sputtered indignantly.

"You were only one minute late today. When was the last time you were within a half an hour of being on time, let alone one minute late? And why was that? It was because I TOLD you to be here by 9:30. Plus look at your behaviour at the door. Look how you conducted yourself." Megan replied confidently.

Megan sat back with a smug smile. Nicole's brow furrowed with concentration as many thoughts and emotions swarmed across her mind. Could it be... was Megan right... no matter how she tried to deny it, something deep inside her was calling out, recognizing the truth. Leaving Nicole to argue with herself (knowing full well how futile it was to deny the truth) Megan went out for a smoke. When she was done Megan returned to the living room to find Nicole still pondering over this new found sense of peace.

With a calm voice she turned to Megan and asked "How did you know for you... that you were a Sub?"

"It's not as simple as knowing, nor is it something you should just jump into. For so long I was looking... looking for something I didn't even know I was searching for. I only realized that I had been searching for something once I found it. And what I found changed my life. It was something so subtle and yet so important, IT is a part of me inside, at the core, who I REALLY am. And now, finally, I know what I was missing, why I was unhappy... because now, that I have accepted it...admitted it... embraced it... I am happy, I feel complete. It has been a journey of taking baby steps. The first boyfriend I really loved was a Dominant in bed. We explored light bondage, and I found I enjoyed it. The feeling being dominated gave me was very erotic but it also brought a sense of something more, a peace that I was coming close to but had not reached yet." Megan paused to gauge her friend's reactions... noting Nicole was listening intently she continued.

"After I took each step, I found myself wanting to do more... I hadn't found the something missing yet. Each time I pushed back the boundary of what I was comfortable with, in regards to submission, the further I wanted to push that boundary. With Jack I couldn't trust him enough to explore those feelings. However with Mark the trust is there. Together we pushed the boundaries in small steps beyond the bedroom and now I've found the 'something' that I was missing... I'm at peace." Megan said in a knowing and sage manner.

"So you think the confusion I'm feeling is because I'm denying that side of me? How will it change me?" Nicole asked fearfully.

"You will change only for the better my dear, only for the better. The confusion will leave. You will regain a sense of purpose. It is very empowering." Megan says with a smile.

"Empowering?" Nicole pounces on the last word... sure that this will make her friend admit that it's all a lie. This is her last hope before accepting the inevitable.

"Yes. It's empowering. I know that seems like an oxymoron... how can a Slave be empowered by service? I know that doesn't seem to make much sense but its true. I have always searched for approval, my submissiveness needs that. I never felt that I was good enough to be loved. Now I know I am, but more than that, I know My Master will stand with me and face anything. With him there is nothing I cannot do. This is the security and faith I have found with him," Megan tries to explain.