All Comments on 'The Slave's Journey Ch. 02'

You need an editor, too many mistakes, the story is predictable which in itself does not need be a problem as lets face it, the readers look for some basic needs but you're definitely missing the target. It's not great, it's not even good but I wouldn't give up writing just yet.

You have a story to tell but it's bitty, confusing and I'm afraid boring. I think with more focus and digging deeper you may be able to deliver the scene you are trying to create. It's not happening yet but kudos for the effort Kiddo

Really hot story. The pain, the routine, enjoying the humiliation but not wanting to admit it. I really enjoyed it. Personally I liked the length and the number of details too.

The story is hot. You have to avoid the pitfalls , such as the character being an auto-submissive character. Unless you are going the PC Porn route, I hope you don't tell us sexual enjoyment comes before the horrible realization that you are not free. I will will give you an example: You say she feels she is institutionalized. I hope you will explain in detail what you meant there.

Resignation, despair and hopeless and permanent horrible fear of consequences of free-wheeling actions having been crushed and free will supression -painfully internalized by her treatment-are something you could explain and detail. I was talking about pitfalls or what I call the stumble, where a character stops being relevant as such in the story, as a heroine, and becoes merely a prop for hot domination or sex scenes. The example is is this: If she is so institutionalized (unless you clarify you don't mean almost brainwashed by her brutal treatment), then she cannot be so self conscious that she knows that is why she does not try to approach the open door... Perhaps you should start telling the story in a third person , which is the most efficient way to make it work. A neutral voice telling us what she is thinking and why.

The other relevant part of my example is that you have to give emotional (constant) relevance to the character. An emotional dimension turns the character into a bona -fide heroine, not a mannequin, a prop. When and if she remembers her capture, she should become sad and teary-eyed. If she still has those memories, that means she still longs for her freedom but is paralyzed by her rough enforced conditioning to obey and fear.

The suggestions I give you can make the story an erotic domination and enforced submission story with, I hope , a cathartic ending and redemption at the end! Keep up writing your fantasy story!

I am the one who wrote the previous comments about the pitfalls of writing these stories and about writing in third person and all of that. I forgot to mention a critical point. Your story is called The Slave's Journey so could you please avoid a common mistake I find these days. When she snaps to attention and calls the overseer "Sir" , this is not erotic. People do that in the military or as an even common way to address strangers, elders, you name it. It does not demean the utter nor it reminds her of what she is now or was turned into... Master should be the proper modern usage. Again, Sir is not synonym with Master in modern usage.

You seem by the title to be doing something more than the usual story you find in the Non-consent area. I hope you go deep into the Master/Slave erotic possibilities.

Take care and keep writing.

It is all useful and welcome, and yes I will try to take on board the advice as I write the next and hopefully subsequent chapters.

I am trying to move between two phases of time and at both phases her thoughts will be different. As I write this I start to think it is a bit of an ambitious aim for my first try, but I've started now. She is recalling 6 years into her captivity and so over that time her spirit has been broken, maybe her recollections will see it return. I hope to make the story about how it was and is, the changes, her declining status where she ends up - that is the journey.

At present she is remembering her initial captivity and at this stage the fear and knowledge tempers her actions, the realisation she cannot escape the compound she tries to be patient though anger shows in her spitting. Her anger at herself as her captor and his sexual skill draws her unwilling pleasure at his touch is something I hoped to bring out.

I think I shortened the training regime as I was not sure on length and potential for reader to lose interest, though I hope the monotony of the days of repetition still showed through.

Please keep the comments as I write coming as I can only learn from them and will try and improve.

I’m enjoying your writing.... it flows well and has me wanting to read more, not something you can say about a lot of the submissions here. Keep going...great story.

She was kidnapped !!!! Emotion needs to be here. You are not a good writer. You must be heartless.

This is the first time I have found someone who’s literotica style exactly matches mine. I really loved it and I hope you write more!!

To anonymous who said she was heartless... maybe it is i am a poor writer but my thought is i write as she feels and remembers. Her emotions have been worked out of her so as she remembers it is with a detached view at present. Hopefully as it develops you will see her melt and regain her feelings.

To the one above - kind works indeed and i thank you and hope to write more and hope you enjoy what i write.

A couple of minor grammatical faux pas, but otherwise very, very well written. Most stories run 5000 to 8000 words per chapter, so there is something to think about. Shorter stories tend to have lower scores. I suspect you are done before your readers are, if you catch my drift. Your pacing is excellent. It is easy getting caught up in not explaining enough or over explaining. I am not a BDSM fan per se, but you have struck a positive note for me. 75 has had some "positive" spanking episodes before her recruitment, but does not have much fun here. Good for you. Add bit of description of the buyers, users, sellers, etc and their motivations and you have a few hundred extra words.

Good luck and good writing.

Deprived of dignity and identity, Jane learns the price of resistance: physical punishment. Tears, pleading, promises will not stay the hand. The descent into slavery is well-told and compares well with 38 hours On The Bayou, Education of a Master.

It’s a great story, but it’s sometimes hard to follow the sentences due to lack of punctuation, commas in particular.