All Comments on 'The Start of a New Life Ch. 01'

My first post. I've never submitted a work anywhere before, mostly just write as a form of release. If any readers have feedback please don't hold back. I'm working on my next entry now but I may wait to post it to see how this story does. All criticism welcome.

I check newly released mind control listings in hope of finding a story worthy of following. Today I have found it. Thank you and by all means continue. The first paragraph hinted at some mischief afoot in the form of a bank robbery gone wrong. I was hooked right away. And then top it off with some really hot erotic writing. I gave you only 5 stars because that's all that's aloud! You can do so much with this character, get revenge on the guys that mugged him, hook up with a woman that has an abusive husband and deal with him ect, ect....

Can't wait to see your next chapter!

I felt this was a good start. The story didn't lose me.

I liked this one. I really liked the reactions, robotic, when Richard gives them a straight up command that overrides their own brains. Looking forward to the next one.

First he needs to get the DR out of LaLa land. Her alternate view of reality will cause problems at the Hospital and then he will have to do damage control. (so here is at least part of a chapter. ) Second I love the humor in the story. Please keep it in the plot. Third for a first effort this is well above average. There are so many ways you can take this. Please continue I can hardly wait for the next installment.

Perfect start

Good start! I would suggest having the hero drop the “king of England “ thing with the doctor, and surely he’s going to bang the doc and his sister later right? I look forward to reading more!

I don't think it's ever a good idea to swap person during a story. If its going to be told first person as this story started, keep using Richard as the first person narrator. if you are going to tell it third person, start that way and stick with it.

Despite that, I felt there were a lot of good things about the story. I like fantasies about bumps on the head that confer miraculous abilities on somebody. I'm happy to suspend disbelief for a fun and entertaining story, so long as nobody does anything evil. I look forward to its continuation.

On the subject of doing evil things, referring to bicycle riding as peddling definitely falls into that category for those among us who are card-carrying pedants.

Lue

For the support and feedback I'm working now on the next chapter and I'm taking all this feedback to heart.

Keep writing. My only concern is that in the past, there have been certain authors who cry "plagiarism" anytime a mind control story starts off in a hospital setting, and the stories end up vanishing. It's logical that if you get your mind control powers through an accident, said accident is going to see you in the hospital, so of course the stories would start off there, and would have similar themes in the beggining. Thing is, numerous authors have the same general idea, but they all put their own spin on it, so in my book, that is not plagiarism, it is just story type. I hope this does not happen to you, but if the accusations fly, just point out that if you are guilty of plagiarism, then so are the other complainants for copying every other super hero origin story ever made, but with sex.