All Comments on 'The Success Story'

...but it's always annoying to hear about things that simply wouldn't happen. Just because you catch your wife cheating on you, it doesn't mean you'll get to walk away without paying through the nose. There would definitely be some division of property going on.

Also, you're not going to just get up out of a hospital bed, disconnect heart monitor leads that would have sounded an alarm, and simply walk out after you've been in a major car accident and in a coma, even if it was only overnight. Just wouldn't happen.

And finally, it's really hard to believe that the wife didn't notice her husband's truck sitting right next to her at a light, especially after you make mention that the company logo is on the side it in the beginning of the story. And the truck zooming away like he did would definitely draw her attention.

It's little details like this... or should I say the lack of attention to little details... that fuck up a story.

Could this have been any more predictable?

it also doesn't mean every husband gets fuck by the court either.

I mean, I like a good declarative sentence as much as the next guy. But occasionally some variety in the sentence structure might make a story a bit more readable.

How many LW stories are there where the husband owns a security company, or is an ex-Navy Seal, or was quietly learning Karate on the side, or whose best bud owns a security company, or is an ex-Navy Seal, or etc, etc, ad naseum?

There was a key word left out of an early paragraph and I had to read it three times before I could figure out the meaning of the paragraph. And I didn't even give a shit!

Other pieces of the random LW puzzle used in this story:

...ex-wife's lover gets caught in crime - usually means prison but this time he dies, as is only proper

...as soon as the divorce is under way another woman falls into the husband's lap as if she were a deus ex machina.

...husband sees wife making out (sometimes giving BJ) with lover while driving down the street from the van in the lane next to her --- they don't notice

One original thing about this story: This is the first time I've heard of someone waking up in a hospital, disconnecting himself from the monitors, and essentially just walking out.

It is certainly a first in the LW genre, so kudos for the originality. And the concept was handled so thoroughly! It must have taken the author over one hundred words from the screech of the tires to buying a new car, with all the details of the accident and the hospital stay in between! I've heard of bare-bones writing, but that part wasn't even an outline.

Memo to the author: if the protagonist doesn't like his car, have him buy a new one. If you want him to have a traffic accident, perhaps it should have something to do with the plot of the story, if only peripherally. But to have an accident just to have an excuse to buy a new car? Perhaps you are stretching the point.

HERE IS AN ORIGINAL THOUGHT! Let's everyone grab a half dozen old LW stories each, cut out paragraphs from each one and put them back together and see if the results make any sense. And even if they don't, publish it to Literotica.

aside from what others have said, could use more character development. Keep writing.

The whole first half started nowhere, nothing of interest happened, no emotion displayed, minimal dialog. It was a narration of events it wasn't a story. The second half had nothing to do with the first half. None of the characters seemed to think about anything.

While little was said, the basics of writing were good, and we have hope for better from terrunt in the future.

That would be anonymous cunts commenting on stories. I'm not being funny, but why hide behind anonymity? If you're all such fucking geniuses, get off my story and write your own! Thankyou everyone for constructive criticism and all that, and not hiding behind anonymity. I focus on the things that I like. I don't give a fuck if it's not life like, because if it was then why wouldn't you all be living such perfect lives where this happened to you every day? You most certainly wouldn't be reading about it on Literotica. This is all fantasy. People should remember that. Thanks.

Comments hidden behind Anonymous names. As if you would know whos name was behind a user name. Duh dont think so. This story was simply to fast and written as a narrative. It wasnt bad, wasnt great but could have been much better. Is that a crit? No statement of fact. Thanks and keep writing.

lacking in some needed filler. the filler takes the chop out of the delivery.

what's a terrunt ? I don't know a terrunt, anybody does ? call me if he, she or it lives around the corner where you live so I can satisfy my curiosity.

Nothing erotic here.

Good story and I am glad for the author wrote to be kids in the new marriage.

BTW 5 stars!

It is a shame that the real world is different but this like drinking a seven and seven.

To the anon who protested the author's protest, the difference is that you connect different comments up with the same handle and more importantly you can engage in a dialogue with the comentator without revealing e-mail addresses. I suspect it requires greater precison in the comments!

You could register as Anon0811 and this be reachable, juat as the author is.

Excellent story no wimp cuckolds here. The bitch got hers and the husband lived well and far better than with a cheating bitch whore. Don't listen to those pathetic cuckold wimp and whore readers who hate any kind of justice for cheated or humiliated spouses. The only part you missed out was the ex-wife and boyfriend didn't die horrible slow deaths.

This was a fly-by story where the characters just fly by the reader. You spent more time describing the cars, the bar ownership and the camera than you did ANY of the people. Even Sinead, the new wife, was introduced, bedded and married in record time.

However, the story was very fitting considering the vocation of the narrator. In the PI business no one cares about motivations or who the target parties are as individuals, you only care about whether their activities were proper or not. Here too we no nothing of the wife and her lover (save that his name is Oliver).

There was no character development, nor even a hint of any intent to provide some.

I thought you had to be 18 to use this site:0

It does not matter if either party was unfaithful. It is not taken into account when dividing assets. Unless they had a prenup she's going to get half of what they made since they were married.

I was interested to the end. At a time when big brothers reach knows no bounds, my governor recently banned the use of cameras to issue speeding tickets. They have to catch you the old fashioned way. :) The couple in this story grew apart. The other guys dick in her may have aided that. I say the husband is a realist who knows the definition of loyalty. If I read correctly, they were not married long enough for boredom to set in. Life is too short to dance with ugly women, get another one. And he did.

He owns a chain of bars/pubs. He owns an incredibly successful PI firm, he wears Armanis, drives a Lexus and pretends he's an American (except we wouldn't be caught dead in a "pub")Nigger, please! You spent way to much time bragging about how successful he is and what he has. I don't care. It's a fucking story and you're not gunning for the Pulitzer. Give some background, help us find someone to like or dislike and then start the cheating. It's that fucking easy.

If you wanted to make a victim that we could hate, you succeeded. I wanted her to cheat on him, divorce him and take half his shit in the process after reading about his privledged lifestyle.

Sorry, prick, I'm English. So fuck you and have a nice day. It's nice that you quit after the first page. If you want fleshed out stories, go to another author. And also, that kinda says a lot about a character; he has money, isn't afraid to show it, gets shit done fast. This is proving to be a lot more trouble than it's worth. I may take it down, seeing as you keyboard warrior anon's like to comment shit like this. The difference between having an anon comment or not is that when I recieve criticism from someone that doesn't hide behind the Anonymous tag, I like to read their submissions (which 9 times out of 10 seem to be non-existant). Seeing as most of the users on here are American, it's easier to identify with being in America than in the UK.

The djin of the revenge stories came out from the lamp. Only censorship could stop this literature invention to spread. If the literotica start censorship will be and are other story collections where the revenge stories can go through the revenge story heaters' barricade! I hope the Literotica will not chose world of Adolf and Josif.

I find it hard to believe that they can comment with a dick sawing in and out of their mouth. And yet they still do. This was a decent story. The writers who are considered the best here are limp wristed wimps, their work and the comments show it. I see that one of them commented. The normal males here need more stories like this. Don't stop. You have to remember that some of the comments come from old men who have no testosterone left. It is funny how forgiving people can get as they get closer to death.

I like a good torch the bitch no wimps story as much as the next guy. Probably more than most. But this story was written more as an emotionless narrative. It came across as a description of events that could have been taken from a police blotter. You were more descriptive about the cars than you were with characters, you obviously write well and when you write for Literotica I think you should focus more on characters and emotions, feelings, and all that stuff.

The revenge story may be more types. I like almost evry types of them. This story to live better than the life was withe the exwife earlier with children in the next marriage type. I like this type as well, you do not prefer. I do not prefer the murder type revenge stories. However the most important both me and you are fan of the new literature invention the revenge story.

I agree with you, it does need fleshing out from the characters point of view. Thankyou for the CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. It's nice for people on here to offer something that could help you better yourself. I am in the process of writing a new story, and taking a lot more time on it. I am also considering getting an editor to help me, because like a lot of people are saying there is a lot of focus on inconsequential things here. I see these holes myself, but I feel that writing takes a lot of time, and this was my first attempt (it wasn't my first upload, but it was the first I wrote) at writing something.

The emotionless narrative style was a bit much. At times I thought the narrator/main character was a robot he showed that little life. The flow of the story was good if a bit predictable. Good first start though I'm going to check out your other stories.

I was waiting for sargent Friday to be place in the story (LOL) Thanks for sharing.

The guy drives a car he hates, why? He smokes Marlboros? He drinks Corona. And he thinks a Mercedes is a step UP from a Lexus? What a dork.

...period. Your writing skill compels it. Why should a reader need to tell you what's wrong with presenting this color by numbers version of non-erotic unfounded sequences of events? Though rhinsc has gone overboard on the wrong side of what's a wimp, hdk is notoriously helpful and he said it first.Personally I hate when authors post shit where the only non-fucking-wuss outcomes are a result of perfect circumstances wrapped up in two fucking sentences.So if these comments offend you, good. You dared me to read this by posting. Then you invited these kind of comments by getting all huffy just cause people call you on the blatantly obvious fact that you can't frame a story.And it rarely bodes well when an author starts posting without recognizing that. It means we the reader have to undergo the tedium of enduring the phase(es) of your progression as a writer that one would think simple pride alone would demand be threshed out a little more thoroughly before posting. The fact of whichever "type" of story you are trying to write only matters to those who can't analyze, or those who rightfully point out an improper categorization.Have a little fucking pride, not bullshit conservative false "self-esteem" PPP (From the real America- "New" England)

it just didn't deliver IMHO. What was missing? Details. Why was Kate cheating? Why was he driving a car he hated? So many questions and so few answers. Oh, the title didn't fit. Just my opinion.

Every story we read or write is in some way unrealistic. We write about Navy Seals not a balding, middle aged accountant who forgot the bread at the grocery store. Nevertheless, you have to make the reader believe. When you go too far, we stop reading and start criticising. Here, it's the simple fact that I thought everyone in America knew which is that the wife's infidelity has nothing do with how the assets are split. She wouldn't leave the marriage with nothing. She probably wouldn't get fired from her job, and if she did, it wouldn't prevent her from working. That willingness to believe just snapped. It also didn't help that there were no answers to the questions that arise in this type of story. Why, for how long, and anything else about the new relationship.

I hate cheating whore slut wives and all should suffer for their betrayal. I'm glad our hero did good in the end.

I kept waiting for something to happen. About as flat as they come. Thanks for the effort.

In one paragraph he's buying a Mercedes - five paragraphs later he's talking about a Merc. In the USA that's short for Mercury (by Ford Motor Co.) Cheers!

but not enough emotional, or compassion released.

The author was totally detached. This story had no heart and way too much meaningless blabber about vehicles. One star.

Good and enjoyable story. Please let us know what happen after the 6 months

she left Joe and her children. Looking forward how you end it. Thank you

This was more like the Cliff Notes version of a story. The hubby/main character came across as such a dick that no one would care if his wife cheated on him or not.

The constant reference to hating his car and the specifics of other vehicles probably

appeals the those who like the Motor Trend school of literature, but not many more.

I lIke a btb but this was just dry. Plus the author whines in the comments like a little girl.

WHY bring Layla into it if she had zero relevancy to the story.

Feels like huge parts of this story are just missing, no reasoning or confrontation over her cheating???? 2*****

How does his wife his wife seeing him in the truck stop it being used again.?

A security firm yet some one leaves a camera in a truck.Why photograph his wife if he is going to get his brother get the evidence.

Where is all the excitemen?

... only a few paragraphs after he’d bought a $105,000 AMG E63.

Yeah. Right.

As someone said “Joe Friday”. 3-stars

It was paint by numbers

Very poor

Am I in the minority? There are places that were too thin and a bit unclear, but I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

Actually I enjoyed the story very much. I like a happy ending. Also one where the nasty cheating bitch ends up with her life destroyed and the arsehole she cheated with ends up dead or crippled.

good story AAA+++

Well that was boring.

Sometimes happy endings are just that....meaning that there is justice in the world. Not sure if the ex-wife knew about him remarrying & now has a family but sometimes Karma serves a cold hand to those deserving it.