The Sun on my Skin Ch. 02

I seek sanctuary in the sitting room closing the door behind me. The room is chilly as I cross to the sofa where I sit, drawing my legs up to hug my knees. Finally, my self-control slips and I start to cry. I chose Tina over Clive and Tanwen over Tina. My lust and impatience now mean the Tanwen will choose Jake, Eryn and Tilly over me and I... I'll have nothing, probably not even a job I can return to after all this. Part of me feels this is no more than I deserve.

I can't stay here so I'll need a taxi. It'll take half an hour or so to get here, at least; plenty of time to pack after I've ordered one. I reach over to pick my phone off the coffee table. Cab companies are open all hours, aren't they? The screen shows 6:07 am, making me pause; my phone should have corrected the time automatically surely? I look over at the clock on the mantelpiece above the fireplace: unexpectedly it shows the time as just after five past seven o'clock. A suspicion begins to form: the bedside clock upstairs must have corrected for the time change automatically. "How inconveniently fucking helpful of it," I mutter; if we'd known then Tanwen and I wouldn't have risked starting making love.

I resist the urge to throw the phone in anger: I still need to find a cab company and start searching the web on the phone, struggling to read the small screen through tear-blurred eyes.

"Um, Jani..." Eryn's voice startles me, making me turn to see her standing dejectedly in the doorway, holding the door handle. "I... I didn't mean to upset you," she protests before her face crumples, "and now Mum's upstairs crying and Tilly's upset and you're crying..." I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and see her face is wet with tears too. "Can you come and talk to Mum?" she pleads. Not trusting myself to speak all I do is nod as I stand. I owe Tanwen this much at least.

Eryn lets me pass but I hear her follow as I climb the stairs. Tanwen is sat on the edge of the bed, crying just as Eryn had said even as she tries to comfort a very unhappy looking Tilly. She looks up as I enter. "Come and sit here Jani dear." I come and sit beside her, keeping a little gap between us, not wishing to cause any more distress. "I'm sorry I got upset with you Eryn, but I need to talk to you too, so I do." Tanwen's voice, though sad, contains the unmistakable note of a mother expecting to be obeyed and Eryn responds. "Tilly, do you want to go and get Tomtom and then you can come back and sit on the bed; that's a good girl." Tanwen sets her down and the little girl walks away to find the cuddly toy. After a pause, Tanwen addresses her older daughter. "Eryn, I, we," she corrects with a glance at me, "we really didn't want this to happen, you walking in on us, so we didn't. I didn't realise how much I felt for Jani and I suppose I got a bit carried away, so I did." Is she really going to take the blame for this? No, that's not fair.

"I was as much to blame, Tanwen, with the getting carried away." I cannot resist the impulse to grasp her hand. "But Eryn, what your Mum says is true: we didn't want to do anything to upset you. In all honesty, we thought it was the middle of the night and that you and Tilly would be asleep." I explain briefly about the clock, to Tan as much as to Eryn.

"But in the car yesterday you said that nothing was decided, that you were going to see what happened." Tilly returns with Tomtom and I help her up onto the bed. She clambers over my lap to squeeze in between Tanwen and me. Eryn watches her little sister and I wonder if Tilly's apparent happiness to have Tan and I together affects her feelings at all.

"So we did, Eryn bach, and yesterday it was true. Eryn, I don't know whether you can understand this, but talking and being with Jani last night I came to understand how much I want to be with her, to share my life with someone who loves me and loves my children too... I suppose what I, and Jani, need to know is if that's too much to ask you to accept?"

There is a breathless moment. "No... no, it's not. Look, I never meant to say I couldn't, you know accept that you love Jani, Mum," she replies. "It's just, like, it means that things will be changing again, I guess."

"You're right, Eryn bach, it does and I know that's a bit frightening, so it is, but... change can also be for the better."

"I know that what Dad did really hurt you... I love you Mum and I do want you to be happy, really I do, so... I guess you should be with Jani."

"Thank you," I tell her, "I mean that with all my heart, Eryn." I have the urge to hug her in gratitude but Tanwen is already holding her arms out to her eldest daughter.

"I like you, Jani, a lot; I didn't mean to upset you either, it's just..."

"A lot to take on?" I suggest.

"Yeah, a bit. You will make Mum happy, won't you; you're not going to hurt her?" she asks protectively.

"I'll certainly always try to Eryn and hurting your Mum is the last thing I want to do, I promise. It's very sweet the way you care about your Mum." The thought that there's one person missing crosses my mind. "Eryn, can I ask you something, well, two things?" She nods. "Um, I suppose the first is whether you're going to tell Jake what happened and the second is what you think his reaction will be if you do?" She looks thoughtfully up at her Mum and me.

"Jake was, well, more okay about this stuff than I thought he would be yesterday, I suppose, but he's not ready for, like, you and Mum..." she looks down, embarrassed. "Um, no, I don't think I'm going to tell him."

"We will be more careful, Eryn, so we will," Tan promises. "Now, do you want to take Tilly downstairs and get her some juice? We'll be down in a minute to get some breakfast, okay?"

"Juice!" Tilly exclaims in approval. Eryn, however, gives us a slightly suspicious look as if we're about to jump on each other as soon as she leaves.

"It's cold downstairs so I'm going to put some clothes on, Eryn," I tell her. "You might want some socks too." She nods and reaches out to take Tilly's hand.

"Okay. I wish I had a onesie with feet like you do, Tilly," Eryn tells her little sister.

Alone, Tanwen and I look at each other "I suppose we should be glad that your son seems to be able to sleep through anything, even emotional cataclysms," I smile. She smiles back but looks a little wrung out; I know exactly how she feels. "I'm so sorry for all that," I apologise. "I know what you told Eryn but I also know it was mainly my fault; I shouldn't have pushed so much for us to make love."

"Jani, cariad, please don't feel guilty. I haven't felt as loved or desired in such a long time, so I haven't." She leans across and kisses me lightly on the lips. "I want us to be together, my love, but..."

"We're going to have to take this more slowly, aren't we?" I say it before she has to.

"Is that okay? You won't, you know, get impatient and want to find someone else?" I see the worry in her eyes as I stroke her cheek.

"No, Tan, I won't. I promised I wouldn't hurt you and I meant it. Eryn knows we're going to become lovers, I'm sure, and she seems to accept that. We need to give Jake more time, I know, and he'll always wish Ted were here instead of me I've no doubt, but with any luck, he'll come around in the end. I'll miss not being with you tonight, though."

"Me too, but you can stay over next weekend if you want; it's Tilly's birthday the week after next so we could do her party on Sunday, and of course Jake will have a match next Saturday. Maybe with a bit of study, you can win him over with your knowledge of the rules of rugby, eh?" she smiles as she reaches for her pink, fluffy dressing gown. "Come on, get some clothes on: you can do the bacon this morning, so you can."

It's just the two of us in the kitchen, Tanwen washing the dirty breakfast dishes while I dry them. In the garden, we can see Jake holding Tilly's hand as they walk around the lawn, Tilly apparently fascinated by the footprints she's leaving on the frosty grass. It feels calm and domestic and happy. "Tilly is such a cutie," I say. Almost as if she can hear me, Tilly looks towards us through the window. I automatically wave and notice that Tanwen is waving too. Tilly smiles and waves back happily. At least one of the children seems unreservedly happy that Tan and I are in love; Jake is looking towards us, his expression unreadable, and I wonder if Eryn said something to him about what she saw this morning, despite what she'd said earlier. "Both Jake and Eryn are so good with Tilly," I observe, trying to push away negative thoughts.

"Yes; better in some ways than before Ted left, so they are." She dunks the last plate into the soapy washing-up bowl and, as Jake looks away, I can't resist leaning in to kiss Tanwen on the cheek.

"What was that for?" she asks, surprised.

"I don't know: for being you, for loving me and wanting me to become part of this family."

"Well, thank you for wanting to be part of this crazy clan!" she smiles and gives me a quick kiss. "And thank Tina for making it happen, too."

"Absolutely. We ought to thank her, really, and tell her that she was right, about us." I mean it, though given what happened between Tina and me it won't be an easy conversation. "It's a bit early to call her yet."

"We could text her, so we could; something from the two of us."

"Good idea."

So we finish the washing-up and make sure the kitchen is tidy before sitting side by side at the table with my phone. "Okay: 'Dear Tina,'" I say as I type. Tan gives a little chuckle as the predictive text changes it to 'Dear Tiny' and I have to correct it. "You'd have thought it would know Tina's name by now," I grumble. "Okay... 'Tanwen and I are sat here..." no that doesn't sound right in a text message." I tap the delete key.

"How about, 'We want to thank you for giving the two of us this weekend together'."

"Mmm, much better," I say as I begin typing. "Then, maybe, 'You were right about both of us and our feelings for each other'." Tanwen nods.

"I know," she says after a few moments of thinking by both of us, "'...and we want to see if we can become a family.'"

"Yes, that's good," I agree and continue typing. "Um, can we say something like: 'It was so lovely waking up beside each other yesterday and this morning.' That's not too... risqué for you is it?" I think her face seems a little red.

"Um... no, it's fine. If I can't tell Tina then I'll never be able to tell anyone." She gives a decisive nod but I can tell she's nervous about it. Still, she's right: if she can't admit our relationship to a woman she knows is a lesbian -- the woman who brought us together, in fact -- then who will she ever be able to admit it to? I type quickly, not wanting to give her too much time to reconsider.

"Okay, what else? What about mentioning the children?"

"What, that they know and are okay with it, I mean us?"

"Sort of okay so far, you mean? We can't pretend it hasn't been a challenge to them, to Jake and Eryn anyway."

"That's true; this morning was all a bit emotional, so it was," Tanwen sighs, "but that's a lot to explain properly in a text, cariad. What about something like, 'It's early days yet and something that will take time for us all to get used to but we think it can work."

"Yes... yes, that's good; it lets her know we're not suddenly this all out lesbian couple but it's not too negative either." I look into her beautiful green eyes. "But we really are a couple aren't we, Tanwen love," I tell her, as much for me as for her.

"Yes, though still with L-plates," she smiles. "Come on, that's long enough for a text, so it is. Just sign it 'with lots of love from Tanwen and Janice', that should do; we'll see her at work tomorrow, so we will."

"I wish we had longer here together," I tell her as I press Send. "But perhaps I'm just keen for us to get beyond being learners so we can lose those L-plates."

"I understand, I do, but... let's not rush it, Jani. I think Eryn and Jake need time and," she takes my hand, "I don't want to spoil it by going too quickly." I smile at her and reach my other hand across to touch her cheek softly. Her eyes meet mine. "I do want us to make love again soon," she adds quietly.

"Thank you for saying that. I do too, though I guess you know that. I love you, Tan darling."

"I love you too." She kisses me lightly on the lips then stands. "Right, I'm going to have a bath for a change, so I am."

"Need anyone to wash your back?" I can't resist asking. She looks a little startled but then gives a coy smile.

"You are a naughty woman, Janice Norton!"

"What?" I ask innocently, "it was just a suggestion."

"Yes, and a wickedly tempting one, so it is but, well, maybe not this morning. Anyway, knowing you're down here with the children means I can have a nice relaxing soak."

"Go and enjoy your bath, love," I tell her and she turns away. "Sorry, my hand slipped," I grin as she turns back at the feel of my hand on her bum.

"Naughty woman!" she grins back.

I watch as she walks away; she has a definitely sexy sway to her hips that cannot have been there before because I definitely would have noticed. When she glances back over her shoulder and smiles at me from the doorway I know the sexy walk has been for my benefit. I really wish she'd said yes to having her back washed.

Six months ago I wouldn't have been having sticky-making fantasies about a naked woman in a bath... well, not often, not since college. Yet, here I am now with a, well, certainly a girlfriend; Tanwen, my girlfriend, my lover too. A woman and her family I want to share my life with... if Jake and Eryn can accept me, if Tanwen can accept her sexuality, if we can make it work...

The back door opens, letting the fresh and sharply cold morning air wash over me as Tilly precedes Jake in from the garden. Their cheeks and noses are red from the cold. "Oh, shut the door, Jake. You must both be frozen."

"Nah, it's not that cold and we've got our coats on," Jake replies and Tilly approaches."

"Crunchy grass," she says happily. "Where's Mummy?"

"She's having a bath, Tilly."

"I wanna bath!"

"Maybe when your Mummy's finished, okay? Let Mummy have some quiet time for now."

"No! Want a bath now," she insists and I'm afraid she's going to argue or start crying to get her way but Jake puts his hand on her shoulder."

"Hey, Tills, why don't we see if there are some cartoons on the TV?"

"Toons, yes please!" the little girl replies and immediately starts walking off, heading for the sitting room.

"Thanks, Jake," I tell him and he gives a shrug as he follows his sister.

On my own again I can't help thinking that becoming part of this family isn't guaranteed, even without the added problems of Tanwen and me being a lesbian couple. That reminds me that Mum and Dad don't even know Clive and I have finished, let alone my new love and sexuality: I ought to tell them, though it won't be easy.

The clock on the wall shows a little after nine-thirty, my phone says eight thirty-seven and I try to work out if they'll be up yet. They'll almost certainly be going to church, though I'm not sure what time the service is: nine or ten o'clock, but which? I know it won't be easy but I feel an overwhelming urge to tell them because how can I expect Tanwen to admit her lesbianism if I cannot tell my parents of mine?

I move a little way down the list of dialled numbers on my phone to 'Mum & Dad'. If I ring now they might be out, already on their way to church. However, I'm not sure I want to do this later with Tanwen listening, just in case it goes really badly. Sod it; I press the dial button, hoping that Mum picks up rather than Dad, and not only because Dad's hearing isn't what it was.

"Hello, Janice dear," Mum answers, leaving me momentarily at a loss for words.

"How did you know it was me?" I ask finally.

"Oh, we have this very fancy new telephone. We needed it for your Father, because of his hearing, you know; it does something clever with his hearing aid so he can hear people on the telephone now."

"And the phone told you it was me calling?"

"Oh yes. The young man from British Telecom came yesterday and set it all up and offered to put in numbers that we use regularly so I only have to press one button to dial them. I was going to try calling you later. So, how are you, Janice? And Clive, how is he? Any news?" Oh god, where to start?

"Um, quite a lot, actually."

"Oh, really?" she asks excitedly and I know she thinks I'm going to tell her I'm pregnant. Dad has always disapproved of Clive and me 'living in sin' as he puts it in his old-fashioned, judgemental way, but when it comes to the possibility of a grandchild Mum doesn't seem to quite share the same extremity of his religious scruples.

"No, Mum, I'm not pregnant," I tell her, flatly.

"Oh," she sounds disappointed but then adds, with a touch more concern, "Is everything alright?"

"Not exactly, no. Clive and I have split up."

"Oh heavens! What happened? Did he... you know, have an affair?" I suppose I should be touched that she assumes Clive must be at fault but it just makes my confession harder.

"No, he didn't, it was me: I... er... I slept with someone else." Her next question is predictable, as is the disapproving tone.

"Oh, Janice, who was he? You've not mentioned meeting anyone else. Was it some sudden thing?" Oh shit. If I don't tell her what happened then she'll assume her daughter has become a complete slut who picked up some random guy and fucked him. Well, if I'm going to be damned then it might as well be for the truth.

"It wasn't a he, Mum, it was a woman: one of my colleagues from work." There is silence on the other end of the line. "Mum? I... I know this must be a shock; I've never said anything to you but I guess I've always been bisexual." There is still no reply and I talk on, filling the void of silence. "Mum, things have been so bad between Clive and me over the past months. I kept hoping they'd get better but they never really did and ..." What do I say? Do I tell her I slept with Tina but now I've fallen in love with Tanwen? No, I can't. "...and I was miserable at work. I started talking to Tanwen and she was kind to me. I helped her too and we were spending time together and... Tanwen and I fell for each other, we're in love."

"This is just nonsense," she says at last. "Two women in love? It's simply not right and your Father and I raised you to know right from wrong, Janice. Anyway, what good can come from it: how will you ever have a child without a man, hmm?" There is a sharpness in her tone, a righteous indignation that stings my eyes.

"Mum, I can't have a child anyway!" I snap. When did her beliefs become so intolerant and judgemental, or did I just never notice before?

"Well perhaps if you and Clive had married before..." She cannot seriously be about to suggest that I would have had a baby by now if I had just married Clive?

"Then I still wouldn't have a child and we'd now be going through a divorce!" I interrupt her. "Don't you understand, Mum: trying for a child is what ruined my relationship with Clive." I take a breath and lower my voice "Anyway, even if I can't get pregnant, Tanwen has children and I love being with her and with them."

"Oh, dear Lord! And has this... woman left the father of the children to be with you?"

"No, actually, he walked out on them; he'd had affairs with at least two women. Look, Mum, I know this is a shock but can't you understand that being with Tanwen makes me happy and her happy? We can be a family." I try to control the emotion in my voice.

"No; I'm sorry Janice but this cannot be right. What your Anna did was bad enough, breaking up a marriage, but at least with your sister, it was a man she slept with. I know you've abandoned the faith but I never thought that it would come to this... such sinfulness. "