The Sweetest Thing

"Fanny never told me what she did with the girl. She summoned Billy out of turn that night. The next morning, he gave me his two weeks' notice.

"I found out what happened three years later, back in Foulridge, when Billy, Constance and their baby showed up at the barge. The crew and Fanny played with the baby while I talked to the couple.

"It turned out the reason Billy came aboard was because Constance's father wouldn't allow her to marry him. He even threatened to take it out on Billy's family if he was defied. Billy's folks told him they didn't care how wealthy her father was or what he could do to them. But Constance went away, and after a month with no word from her, Billy ran off.

"When he went home to visit to his parents, Constance found out he was in town and came to his house. She told him she had been kidnaped by her family and watched constantly, so she couldn't find a way to write to him. When she returned, he had disappeared. Now that he was back, she was ready to run off with him immediately and didn't need to stop at her house for anything.

"He told her he was sorry but that he had found someone else. She was in shock and asked him how he could have forgotten her so fast. He patiently explained that he'd met the woman of his dreams, and when he returned to the barge, he was going to propose.

"Constance got him to tell her everything. She couldn't believe that he'd prefer a whore over her and lost her temper. After screaming at him, she ran back to her parents.

"A few days later, she decided she wouldn't give up without a fight. She waited until he left and found out from his parents where he was working.

"She told me that when she went into Fanny's cabin, she received a detailed lecture about Billy's sexual and eating preferences and how to take care of a husband... sexually, emotionally and at the kitchen table. Fanny told Constance to devote herself to making Billy happy, and in return, he would make her the happiest woman on Earth. Fanny told her she had learned that too late.

"Billy piped up and said that when she pulled him into her cabin that night, Fanny sat him down and said there would be no sex for him. Then she lectured him on how to please a woman.

"She told him that if he let Constance get away, he would regret it the rest of his life. She finished by saying that regardless of whether he went after Constance or not, he would get nothing more from her. She said she didn't like stupid men, no matter how good looking they might be."

"So, you're telling me that's how Fanny used what she had learned. And there was no other man?"

"Just one. Jesus."

"That's right. She's religious now. Does she go to church?"

"If we're docked on a Sunday, she'll go to whatever church she can get to, but she doesn't need to. She's a saint."

"Of course, because she marries one of you every night and you enjoy the honeymoon."

"That's not the reason. If you see her later, you'll understand. When she came aboard, she was a mess. I didn't make a close inspection, but she was pudgy and bloated. She looked blotchy...like alcoholics look. Hell, like I used to look.

"The happier she made us, the happier she became and the better she looked. She was never ugly, just ordinary and the worse for wear. Now, she looks like a model. And her body is, well, it's dynamite. She covers it up with simple dresses, but she looks twenty years younger than she used to. I'm guessing she's about twenty-eight."

"Thirty-three."

"You're kidding! Anyway, you'll notice something else about her. At first, I thought only the crew and I could see it, but other people who've never met her ask me about it. It's like goodness radiates from her. When you're within a few feet of her, you can't help feeling good. And if she smiles at you, you're so happy you can hardly stand it."

"How did she become religious?"

"Nobody knew that Ben used to be a vicar until one night when he got on his knees and prayed before he left Fanny's room. She asked what he was doing, but he rushed out.

"She cornered him the next day. Not long after that, they went to her room to study the Bible whenever there was a break while the rest of us played cards. We all got jealous of his extra time with her and demanded to be included.

"No more poker for us. We sit around the table reading King James and arguing about what each sentence means. Fanny's the smartest, and when we look up the official answers, she's usually right.

"Sometimes, I think my barge is a nut house. How else could I explain how we spend our free time?

"She even made us charitable. It started with reading some verse about harlots. Rusty announced he was no longer going to knocking shops. Everyone but Jack chimed in that they hadn't been to one in months. He promised that he had gone to his last one.

"Fanny congratulated all of us and asked if each of us would let her know when we had been able to hold out for six months. It was easy. Once we all passed six months, she asked each of us to get checked for venereal diseases by a doctor and bring her the results.

"We scheduled a visit to the clinic for everyone and proudly gave her the reports at dinner. A few weeks later, after the nightly wedding, she said she had a wedding present for Sterling and gave Boris an empty pill pack.

"He told us the next morning that she had been on the pill for a month and told him he didn't have to wear anything until he had the need to see someone else. None of us has been using protection since then. Who needs anyone else when you have Fanny?"

"What does any of that have to do with charity?"

"One night at dinner, Fanny asked if we knew any women in the town where we were docking the next day. Jack was the only one who would admit it. She asked when he last saw her, and he said it had been more than nine months.

"She said the woman probably had a hard life and counted on Jack's twenty pounds when he was in town. It wasn't fair that she was losing income through no fault of her own.

"The next day, we all had to visit our lady friends just like we used to. But, instead of giving them twenty pounds for an hour, we gave them ten pounds, blessed them and said goodbye.

"We do that now in every town where one of the guys knows a woman. It's as regular as shopping for groceries. And now she knows them all, too."

"She does?"

"It started when one of the women asked Boris about the ten pounds for nothing. The lady insisted on meeting Fanny, and Fanny didn't mind. Next thing you know the lady joins us in church when we're there on a Sunday. She gets her friends to come. Now, they call themselves the Women's Group and have tea after church. Sometimes the vicar joins them. The same thing has happened in four other towns.

"They never talk about their lives at tea, only the scriptures. But sometimes they ask Fanny things privately. One of them told me they already know what she's going to say because she always tells them the same thing. It doesn't matter what they do, they have to do it with love, even if the love isn't returned.

"One of them wanted to leave the profession, and Fanny asked the vicar to get the woman help. Everybody's favorite story is about Maysoon. She didn't get along with the other women and made fun of them for going to church. She had no regulars because she drove away every man she ever met. She's a beautiful Paki, so she always attracted strangers. After hearing about Fanny, Maysoon went to see her.

"When Fanny didn't try to shame or talk down to her, Maysoon spilled her guts. She had been abused as a teenager, and it filled her with hate for all men. She even despised her one regular, a young widower with two small children.

"She had asked him once why he kept coming to her when she treated him with such contempt. He told her it was because he deserved her abuse because he was using her to take care of his needs once a month instead of being with his children.

"Fanny told her that despite what men had done to her and what they wanted from her, she would be happier if she gave every customer as much love as she could.

"The first time Maysoon treated the widower lovingly, he was confused. The second time it happened, he asked why she was acting that way. She took him to meet Fanny at one of the teas, and Fanny asked him to come to the Banshee with Maysoon. She spent an hour alone with each of them.

"They're married now, and each time we're in that town, Fanny spends the whole day with their kids. Maysoon said Fanny told her she hoped she didn't mind doting on them, because that was as close as she'd ever get to having her own children."

"That's some story. Is there anything else you haven't told me?"

"No. Oh yes! Tomorrow she sings."

"So, she's a singer now? Does she have a good voice?"

"No. Did she ever?"

"No. Tell me about her singing."

"Remember when I said that one night is different?"

"No, did you tell me that? So, she sings on that night, instead of --"

"She only does it one night a year. It's tomorrow. Tomorrow is April twenty-eight, and that's the night she sings, but it's no fun listening to her."

"Because of her voice?"

"No, because she's in tremendous pain. She never drinks anymore, except on April twenty-eight. After breakfast, she spends the whole day drinking. We have to make our own dinner.

"Sometime in the evening she always says, 'I'm going to sing our song now, because it's our anniversary.' Then she starts."

The stranger shifted in his chair as Captain Ahab began singing softly in his rough voice:

Love is the sweetest thing

What else on earth could ever bring

Such happiness to everything

As Love's old story.

He stopped singing and said, "I knew the tune. It's an Al Bowlly song. Everyone learned it. Now Fanny makes us join in, starting with the second verse, and then we stop when she sings the last two lines:

I only hope that fate may bring

Love's story to you.

"After that, she blows us kisses and runs to her cabin.

"The next morning, we don't talk about it because we found out it brings her down. And we don't sing the song when she's around. Only tomorrow. Only April twenty-eight."

The captain was lost in thought for a minute. The stranger looked up at the ceiling for a while and then broke the captain's reverie.

"Thank you, Captain Ahab. I want to apologize again for being out of line. You've been very generous with your time and given me more than I expected. Now, I've got a few things I want to tell you, and then I want to ask you a favor."

"Shoot away!" the captain said.

***************

"I have a surprise for Fanny tonight. She's never heard me do the long version of the marriage vows."

Fanny and Boris faced the captain, both looking down as they always did. Fanny lifted her face and looked at the captain questioningly.

"Keep your head down until I'm done, or it's not official," he admonished her.

She smiled and looked at the floor again as he began.

"This room, in which we are now met, has been duly sanctioned according to the law for the celebration of marriage. You are here to witness the joining in matrimony of Vanessa and Sterling. If any person here present knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage you should declare it now.

"I am going to ask you each in turn to declare that you know of no legal reason why you may not be joined in marriage. Vanessa, repeat after me: I do solemnly declare -- that I know not -- of any lawful impediment -- why I may not be joined in marriage to Sterling.

Fanny repeated the lines.

"Sterling, repeat after me: I do solemnly declare -- that I know not -- of any lawful impediment -- why I may not be joined in marriage to Vanessa."

As Boris spoke, the door in the back of the room opened. The stranger, who had spent the afternoon hiding in the captain's cabin, entered. The others, who had heard about him from the captain, turned to study him. The captain noticed that he had shaved off his beard.

"Repeat after me: I, Vanessa, call upon these persons here present to witness that I do take you, Sterling, to be my lawful wedded husband."

Fanny finished and Boris began repeating his part after the captain. As he did, he stepped to the side, and the stranger moved to where he had been.

Almost before Boris finished, the captain began rushing to the end.

"It is now my pleasure to tell you that you are now legally husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Fanny raised her head and looked at the captain as she felt strong arms encircling her. She began to protest and looked up at the stranger, who was holding her and moving his head closer to hers. She screamed and fainted.

When she came to a few minutes later, she blinked a dozen times while the stranger softly ran a damp handkerchief across her brow.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

"Yes."

She barely managed a whisper.

He leaned over, put his arms under her and lifted her until she was standing. Then he swept her off her feet as she grabbed his neck. He turned sideways to get her through the narrow door as cascades of confetti rained on them. The men cheered heartily. He managed to get her into her cabin and deposit her on the bed. Then he collapsed onto her chair.

She stared at him and began weeping silently.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I tricked you into marrying me again. You can annul the wedding tomorrow if you want. Nobody knows except the captain and the crew."

She tried to say something, but mumbled softly. The only thing he heard was "honeymoon."

"There won't be any honeymoon tonight," he said. "I'm only staying long enough to make sure you're all right. Then, I'll go back to the inn. But I'll be here for breakfast."

Life came back to her eyes, and she sat up. Her voice was fully recovered as she spoke.

"You're going nowhere, Sterling. I'll postpone the honeymoon for one night, so you don't have to take off your clothes. But I'm going to sleep in your arms tonight if I have to make the crew take turns standing watch outside my door to keep you from escaping."

They spoke for a few hours before falling asleep together, but it was not about the past or present, only the future.

The night was still, with only a faint creaking of ancient timbers as the barge rocked gently at berth. The moonlight glistened on the decks, pooling to drip slowly into the porthole of the cabin. It crept slowly across the floor, liquid silver and gold, until it reached the slumbering figures on the bed. Sterling felt its slight caress brush his cheek and stirred restlessly. His eyes opened to see that the moonfire had entwined in Vanessa's hair, forming a soft halo. He sighed, and slept.

In the morning, she told the others of their decision.

"You've got a new crew member who will work for free for a few weeks. He'll bunk with me. Last night was my last wedding. I've got some ideas on finding a replacement. There are a lot of women on the dole who qualify for this job, but they don't know it's here. I'll find you a good one who can cook. Don't expect anything else from her.

"Once she's settled, Sterling and I are going home. But, you haven't seen the last of us. There's room enough for you all to visit at our house. Even after the babies come, there will be a place for you. And our vacations will be canal cruises that dock next to the Banshee."

****************

The top candidate for the job was a handsome young widow who satisfactorily answered all of Vanessa's probing questions. She tried to hide from Vanessa that she was religious because she thought it would frighten the men, but Vanessa got it out of her.

When the woman ran out of questions, Vanessa told her, "It's not part of your job requirement, but I want you to know what I did during my time here."

She started with her marriage and divorce, then told the woman everything. When she was done, the woman was so shaken, she could barely stand.

"I couldn't have you taking the job without knowing all that," Vanessa said as the woman stared at her. "But I want you to assure you again that you're only signing up for cooking and cleaning."

After the woman debarked, still in a daze, Vanessa turned to Captain Ahab.

"I doubt if we'll see her again. She looked at me like I was the devil incarnate."

"The next one, you don't need to go into as much detail," he suggested.

The woman was back the next morning and walked briskly aboard, straight to the galley, where Vanessa was cleaning up after breakfast. She watched quietly until Vanessa was done and then walked around the barge looking everywhere.

"They're all in the village, but let's go into my cabin and shut the door," Vanessa suggested.

The woman left two hours later. When the crew came back, Vanessa told them their new cook was starting the next morning. She and Sterling planned to stay on board for a few days in the captain's cabin while Ahab slept on the couch.

"Don't give her a hard time like you did me," she warned. "She's a little skittish, so you need to compliment her and tell her she's doing well."

She gave Sterling a complete report later. The widow's questions were all about sex and religion. She hadn't been with a man in three years. But she couldn't get Vanessa's story out of her mind and didn't realize she was pleasuring herself until she came.

Vanessa said the woman sounded like she was ready to take on what she called "the extra duties" immediately. However, she was a bit concerned about what her vicar would think and even more worried about whether she could satisfy the men.

Vanessa reassured her and told her the men would be more interested in pleasuring her than what she was doing for them. She referred the woman to several vicars on their route. Vanessa suggested she tell one of them everything, including how badly she needed the job and that she would not take one cent for sex.

For the next few days, the two women spent most of the time in the cook's cabin talking about recipes and sex. Vanessa suggested the new cook take it slow and get the men used to her as a cook before telling the captain whether she was willing to do more. She also had to be scrupulous in keeping track of gifts so she spent as much or more on the men as they spent on her.

Vanessa and Sterling said goodbye to everyone at Keighly with many cheers, tears, toasts and pints of Timothy Taylor. Captain Ahab was three sheets to the wind when he toasted his wish that Sterling's second wife would be nicer to him than the bitch he married the first time. Sterling looked at Vanessa with a worried expression, but she was holding her sides with laughter.

Before they parted and walked in different directions outside The Lord Rodney, Vanessa led the men in singing a ragged rendition of every word of her song. The new cook was their audience.

As the final couplet echoed in the damp air, she put a finger to her lips to show everyone that this was the last thing she wanted them to hear that night.

I only hope that fate may bring

Love's story to you.

**************************

For background on the stories of edrider73, see "Author Interview: edrider73" by Literoticauthor. Tag: "author interview."