The Thoughts Still Haunt Me

A fortunate - I say it now, in retrospect - occurrence happened, I had the duty on Sunday. That meant I was required to be aboard the ship by 0800, I wouldn't be home again until 1600 on Monday. As I went about the light chores required of me, I allowed myself to think about how Stephanie had been unfaithful, but also how it had brought joy to her. I came to grips with it, or at least I thought I did.

Monday afternoon Stephanie picked me up after her job was over at 5 PM, we headed home, she made something for dinner, we watched television. I reached for her, she allowed it but I could tell, somehow, her heart wasn't in it.

We made love in the bed again, afterwards I started to talk, tell her of my insights. "I'm glad you did it," I told her, "and the only thing I don't like is you got to have a guy, but I didn't get to have a girl."

"Oh, honey, don't worry about it. If you want a girl, it'd be okay with me."

"Really?"

"Of course, it's only fair."

Then I started another line of thought. "You know, I'm going to be out at sea now quite a bit, then in September we're heading for WestPac again. I know you get lonely when we go away, do you get horny too?"

Cautiously, I could tell she wasn't being candid, she admitted she felt her urges. And I proposed a solution. "So, maybe, just every once in awhile, you could, you know, pick up a guy. Now that you did it once, it's not like it'd be a big deal, not if you didn't treat him like a boyfriend or something. What do you think?"

I'd expected her to be happy I gave her permission to have more affairs, even though we'd agreed the first time would be the last time. Instead I felt a soft shuddering, my shoulder was suddenly moist with her tears. I tried to comfort her, but the whimper became open weeping. It took her a good five minutes to calm herself.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Oh . . . I"m such a . . ." She couldn't get her thoughts out.

"Tell me," I commanded.

Reluctantly, her words filled the bedroom. "That night you were supposed to come home, you remember?"

"The night we couldn't get into port because of the wind?"

"Yeah, that night . . ."

"What about it?"

"Oh, I was so let down. Just hopeless. I was waiting in the parking lot for you, and when the news came that you weren't coming in I cried for a little bit. And then I went to the bar. And Steve was there, I let him buy me a couple of drinks. He asked me if he could take me home. Honey, I know I shouldn't have, but I was drunk, and since we'd done it once I couldn't see why not, so I let him drag me into the bedroom . . ."

I got out of bed, livid with the thought of her broken promise, with the knowledge that she'd let Steve fuck her again, angry that this path of being a serviceman and his wife was just so very screwed up.

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The story doesn't end well. I loved her, I believe she loved me, but the separation of military service and the time we were living in conspired against us.

After I calmed down, it took me days, after I'd digested that she'd drowned her sorrow in sex, we came back to the idea we could both have affairs, I think I believed we could survive that. Of course I was naive, we were too young.

Through the war games that summer, Stephanie picked up more men than I was comfortable with. On the beach in Alameda she let a teenager drink some beer with her, took a bath at home while he watched; the conclusion was what you might think. She took a shine to an insurance salesman that was trying to turn one of my friends and I into agents. One night after a 'class,' my friend took me out for a beer, I'm sure that's when the salesman began his long affair with my wife, hidden from me until much later. After we headed across the Pacific she became indiscriminate, I didn't get the details through her letters, but I read between the lines. At least once, probably more, the salesman took her to a party in Marin county, she participated in orgies. I know she smoked pot, I can only assume she also took LSD and other drugs.

She became pregnant, she was admitted to the naval hospital with a mental breakdown. I was recalled from the Ranger to care for her.

We had the baby, after I was discharged in January of 1974 I got a job in Silicon Valley, we had another tragedy, a stillborn son. To be closer to her family, for her support, I got a job in Ohio. She seemed fine. Then one day I discovered she'd started an affair with a therapist she was seeing.

Are you surprised that, even though I forgave her, though I lived through her indiscretions, I still loved her? Then she walked out on me, taking our children with her after ten years of marriage. Somehow, forty years later, the thoughts still haunt me.

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The above is an absolutely true story, with the exception that I've changed 'Stephanie's' name for her privacy. I don't offer it as a caution to young couples, although the circumstances aren't unique, differing from many other's only by details, I'm not sure there's anything to 'learn' from my tale, youth needs to make it's own mistakes.

The details are as accurate as my records and my memories can make it; of course, after forty-four years some impressions may be misremembered. Unfortunately, I'm unable to compare my recollections with Stephanie; although we're friends and I see her a few times a year, her mind has slipped into the abyss of Alzheimers, even when we talk about the pleasant times we spent in California her mind is muddled.

*****

If this story seems familiar, I fictionalized the matter in my series 'The Sailor's Wife'. If I've bored you, my apologies.

And, should you have questions, comments or other thoughts, feel free to leave a comment here.

Peace!