All Comments on 'The True Master Ch. 01'

You're off to a great start. Please continue!

Let me preface this by saying that I really like the story, and I hope you continue it.

However, you badly need an editor. There are occasional obvious typos, but the worst is your use of punctuation. Commas are your friend. For example, just from the last few paragraphs, you should have these changes, plus a couple similar fixes:

"I might have already taken advantage of you[,] but I'm hoping you can see past that latter [later]."

"I interact with stranger's [strangers] fine..."

"Your [You're] half computer right now."

Both previous comments are on the money. Kay points out this is an excellent start. It is; it is novel and the reverse of the usual fare.

Anon talks about punctuation and spelling. Please do get someone to read your manuscript and offer corrections before you submit for publication. Errors in either are like speed bumps on the hiway; you're suddenly pulling the emergency brake to avoid having the wheels fly off.

I suggest you print this ( http://faculty.washington.edu/heagerty/Courses/b572/public/StrunkWhite.pdf ) and keep it handy for all your writing. It won't improve your plots or your characters, but it will add power and readability to your composition. I've worn out several hardback copies in the last 50 years, and still bump into things I could improve.

But why has everyone missed the fact that this is a rewrite of chapter 0,just with the line ten years later at the beginning, and that chapter 0 is no longer available

Ok retracting some of my last,as chapter 00 has returned but still convinced I have already read this awhile ago

I love where the story is going, but please use the tools at your disposal to implement periods, punctuations, grammar, and correct spelling. It sounds utterly inane given the subject matter, but what thrives in the imagination (giving a five star rating and the like) can be utterly, and completely spoiled when you use 'to' as opposed to 'too'. Just saying... Please use spellcheck and have someone else review your piece. On a completely different side note, I would greatly appreciate a tear-stained blowjob scene on 'Katie's' part--not the WAY too sensitive male perspective's part.

I just wanted to say that spell check won't help in this case, because it only picks up on words that are spelled wrong. The author is using words that are spelled correctly, but don't make sense in context, and sound similar to the word he means. For example, Resend instead of Rescind or House instead of Hour, Small mistakes, but not ones picked up on by spell check.

Great story, by the way, and really looking forward to the next chapter.

Great story line but the mistakes are distracting and pull you out of the world. Literotica has volunteer editors. I suggest you use one of them.

Which is not to say that it's a bad thing since all fictional stories--especially the ones on this site--are based in fantasy.

It's intriguing to read about her reactions as though it were completely natural for her to view the guy as God's gift to women... as creepy and weird as that may seem. That's the interesting part.

I'm not too keen on the way the man views himself though. Like he was a hero / 'the one' for 'helping' this one stranger out. I think I'm mostly thrown off by how easily he accepts this entire situation.

Is it just me, or is this story drawing heavily from Noble's Jonathan Creed?

Not that I mind. The premise is sexy as hell.

That's what I'm thinking. But. I love this.

.....I just came across this, read part and went back to read 00, then forward again.

Man, I hope you find the courage to wreak havoc on your babies before you release them. Editorially, this kinda sucks.

Really, so far, these two are pretty rough.....In desparate need of polishing and cleaning in the technicals.

I like how you characterize and describe the environmental aspects of your story. Descriptions of his apartment, the changing of day to night as we works away, how he gets so involved he misses her working and cleaning around him, the frequent texture added by the description of the bedsheets and what she does with them...the description of her skin...and, um other body parts as he caresses them. Very nice.

That all serves to make the story more realistic, more believable. You obviously worked at this.

Then you send it out full of silly, little, niggling, irritating mistakes in spelling, punctuation and grammar. Half done...half baked.

No, I'm not the grammar police. Just a reader that doesn't like working harder than necessary to get through a story meant to entertain.

Stumbling over stupid technical issues is the biggest buzz-kill there is, next to a complete crap story.

So, you're gifted, if not yet committed to working your pieces over until they shine like polished silver....

Most annoying in this episode:

resend --> rescind

quit --> quiet

then --> than

There were dozens of lesser issues...and these aren't individually catastrophic, but taken with all the other messy, grammatical, spelling, punctuation and logical errors they become very distracting. Too. Much. Work.

PLEASE, look into editorial help, but in the very least retread, rewrite and correct to a higher standard. Your worth it and your legacy should reflect your intent and values, rather than "just barely adequate".

Most really good writers have both long editorial/rewrite cycles and very good editorial help. They are usually very disciplined about the technical aspects and are far more brutal with themselves than the publishing houses....well, that's debatable, but often true.

There are volunteers here. That might be a good place to start....I'm just saying....

I've never really liked Mind Control stories; the ones I've tried to read have tended to play out as wish fulfillment porn without plot. This one, however, has an interesting angle to the mind control aspect of the story, and it has a plot, too! I'm hooked!

"I RESEND the order" means "I give {transmit} it again".

The word you were looking for would be "rescind"

"Dew knot trussed spill chick two ketch awl airers."

This series is just GREAT. Thanks!

Great story, horrible punctuation. Someone needs to teach the author how to use a comma.