The Way You Look Tonight Ch. 02

Candice wants to tell you a couple of stories. So, I'll let her pick it up from here.

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Candice

Those first few months with Nicky were magical. I was still wrestling with my problems from the past, and was still a bit paranoid about nefarious mobsters lurking on campus behind every bush or tree looking for me. But my relationship with Nicky actually helped to heal some of the scars that had formed several years before. I came to know that not all men were predators; that there some very good guys out there. In short, I really do believe that Nicky saved me in more than one way. No, we hadn't had sex at the beginning of our relationship. But when we did get to make love later on, it was so beautiful. It brought me to a place of sexual healing. I was no longer a toy to be used for gratification, and thrown about at the will of Cordo and his minions, along with the many customers at Jilly's.

Some of the "cooler" guys on campus would hit on me frequently. But they were easy to resist because I had my Nicky, and he was all the man I needed. Some still referred to him as Saint Nicholas, though that tapered off soon after people started seeing us together. Oh, and the big Irish guy, Mickey Mackay. He was Nicky's devoted friend. He never really went anywhere without Nicky. Both came from the same neighborhood in the Bronx. One of the best pitchers on the college circuit, Mickey could have easily landed a pro contract himself upon graduation. But instead, he chose to study for the priesthood. I had come to love Mickey as a true friend, kind of a brother.

Yes, I did find out that Nicky had flirted with that same notion of becoming a priest. I don't know if it was me who caused him to choose another path, or if he simply wasn't meant for it. Some people thought both Nicky and Mickey were gay and less than real men. Let me tell you a story that made me love both these guys even more and demonstrated their masculinity and strength of character.

It had become something of a joke but also a ritual for us to go the local ice cream parlor a couple of times a week. Some nights though, Mickey would convince us to head over to the local pub. Well, one night at the pub, five strange, shady looking guys, obviously not students, were tormenting a young Hispanic woman. They began hitting on her, figuring her for an easy lay. Then they began to insult her using racial slurs. Nicky saw that this was really bothering me. Little incidents like this forced some unpleasant memories to float to the surface.

The young girl, in tears and obviously frightened, suddenly got up to leave. The five guys began to follow her out. Mickey and Nicky nodded to each other, and told me to sit tight. They then went outside the pub. No way was I going to stay behind. So I got up and followed them out as well. In his Gaelic twang, Mickey told the guys, "Now why would you wantin' to go botherin' this young lady? Why don't guys go back in the bar and I'll buy you each a pint."

One of the guys responded, "Fuck you asshole. We're gonna get us a nice piece of Spanish pussy tonight."

"Oh pussy is it? Sure 'n that's no way to talk about a lady. We'll see about that lads," said Mickey.

With that, all five of them charged Nicky and Mickey, one with a knife. It all happened so fast, but when the dust cleared, the score was five bad guys down, and my two good guys were still standing and none the worse for wear. The young Hispanic girl, her name was Juana, was so grateful, she reached up and gave Mickey a big kiss on the lips. From then on, it was the four of us who were inseparable. We found out later that Juana was from the Dominic Republic and had just transferred to N.A.U. Nicky and I knew she was in love with Mickey. But when graduation came, Mickey had to tell Juana that it was over; he was accepted into the seminary. Juana was a mess. But Mickey felt that he was called to the priesthood and left her behind. What had unfolded outside of the pub confirmed for me that Nicky was everything I needed. I knew that he would protect me if I was ever in danger. I should have remembered this incident years later when I ran into trouble.

One thing you have to know about Nicky in order to understand some of the things he did years down the road when my problems resurfaced. He was passive when it came to confrontation. He never backed away from a fight if it was the right thing to do. But he didn't go looking for one. He would often just walk away if he thought defeat was a certainty. How do they say it, "Discretion is the better part of valor"? That was Nicky.

The first time I noticed this was at an incident that happened at an on-campus mixer early in the fall semester of our senior year. Of course I was with Nicky, Mickey, and Juana. Nicky went up to the bar to get us some drinks, and Mickey and Juana were off dancing. When Nicky headed back with drinks in hand to where I was standing, he saw a tall good-looking guy hitting on me. The guy was really an asshole.

This poor loser was trying every trick and line in his repertoire to get me to dance with him. Of course, he was getting nowhere with me, but he did have his hand on my arm, trying to lure me to the dance floor. It wasn't very aggressive at all; more of a nudge than anything else. But what Nicky saw was my smile and laugh whenever the guy spouted one of his stupid come-on lines. Nicky wasn't close enough to hear the conversation. What he thought he saw was that I was interested in the guy. He never returned with the drinks. I had to find Mickey to go track him down. Turns out he was back in his dorm sulking. He wouldn't speak to me for a couple of hours until Mickey convinced him to snap out of it.

When I finally saw Nicky, I told him, "You silly guinea." Don't ever doubt me again. I'm all yours."

His eyes brightened, the color returned to his cheeks, and he kissed me so passionately, I nearly melted.

You may find this hard to believe, but at this point we still hadn't made love. But I will let you in on a little secret. Sometimes when Nicky and I were petting and making out, I would have these little orgasms. They weren't the type that would cause your head to explode. They were just gentle, rolling spasms that I felt deep in my core. This never happened to me before. Only Nicky could create those feelings without ever touching me where so many men had been before.

There's one other incident I want to share with you before we fast forward to the most important part of this story. I didn't know it at the time, but when troubles came later on in our lives, this also figured prominently into the overall picture.

Nicky took me home to meet Momma and Papa Manetta the Christmas after we met. We were just finishing up the fall semester of our senior year. The nine months since we had been seeing each other were so unlike anything I had ever experienced. Even though there were no rings, we were committed. Nicky was first to say "I love you." I knew I loved him long before then, but was afraid I would scare Nicky away if I was too aggressive. No man could ever lure me away from Nicky. We truly belonged to each other.

Christmas Eve at the Manettas was everything you would expect on an Italian Christmas holiday. For the first time, I experienced the "feast of the seven fishes," after which we went to Midnight Mass. Now, you have to understand that even though I had been raised Irish-Catholic, I hadn't stepped foot inside of a church since my father died. As I approached the cathedral, I was so nervous, all I wanted to do was run away. Nicky felt my apprehension, but he gently held my hand and rubbed my arm, and I made it inside. You no doubt have heard the expression, "She was as nervous as a whore in Church on Sunday." Well, that was me...literally! Since I fell in love, the bad thoughts of my past were few and far between. But this experience brought them right back to me. I thought to myself, "I don't belong here. I'm not good enough to be with faithful people." All through the Christmas Eve service these thoughts kept pushing their way into my head.

After mass, Nicky and I drove home in his car. We parked outside of the Manetta house and Nicky told me he had something very important to ask. I'm sure you guessed it. He pulled a ring from his pocket, told me how deeply he loved me, and asked me to be his wife. He slipped a ring on my finger in one smooth motion. (I learned later that it was his mother's engagement ring.)

What was I thinking? It was a mixture of love for everything about Nicky, a vision of joy living with him in a traditional household and raising a family. But very quickly my demons came out again, the ones that had briefly visited me as I had entered the cathedral several hours before. I was overcome with anxiety and panic as I removed the ring and gave it back to him. I then bolted from the car and ran inside and up to the guest room, with Nicky still holding the ring. The poor guy must have been completely confused and devastated.

By then, Momma and Papa had arrived home and were more than a bit shaken when they saw me running up the stairs crying. Momma knew ahead of time that he was going to propose to me, and she was all ready to celebrate. But there I was, in their guest room, a mess, crying my heart out and wrestling with all of the old feelings of inadequacy. I thought myself dirty and not good enough for Nicky, and that my past would at some point rear its ugly head and hurt this guy that I loved so profoundly.

I heard a soft knock on the door, followed by Momma's lilting voice asking if she could come in. She sat on the edge of the bed next to me and held me like my own mother would, as I cried and rocked back and forth. After she held me for a while, I calmed down, and she asked me if I would like to tell her about it.

"Momma, this is all wrong. I can't marry Nicky. I love him so much, but I am so afraid that someday I will hurt him."

In her own sweet way, she got me to tell her some of my story. She never judged me; she just listened. Of course, I omitted quite a bit, but I think she got the gist of it. She didn't recoil in horror, didn't judge me, only offered me gentleness and consolation. She told me that Nicky wouldn't care about my past.

"He loves you with all his heart," Mama said. "All he wants to do is make you happy. I know Nicky. The two of you will take care of each other."

I didn't say a word to Momma in reply. But she kept holding me and stroking my hair. She suggested that when the time was right, I should tell Nicky the story. But I never did. And she carried my secret to her grave.

After I had calmed down a bit, I went downstairs, embraced Nicky and told him how much I wanted to be his wife. He never questioned my outburst at the moment of his proposal. He simply slipped the ring back on and held me tight. Momma and Poppa opened up the champagne they had chilling on the table, and we exchanged Christmas presents. My gift to Nicky was a gold chain with a crucifix. From that night on, he would never take it off, except on the day that he left me. But I don't want to get ahead of myself here. There's more to the story.

Later that week, the Manettas went to see their cousins for the day. Nicky and I had the house to ourselves. He surprised me with breakfast in bed. We didn't make it through breakfast. We were so filled with love and lust for one another, that the inevitable took place. We were both ready for it. While he never told me this was his first time, I knew. He was tentative but very sweet and loving.

I took the lead and set the breakfast tray aside on the nightstand. First I removed Nicky's shirt and rubbed my hands softly over his solid chest. His eyes rolled back in his head as I gingerly teased his nipples with my fingers. Then I helped him to take off his sweatpants. There was no doubt but that Nicky was more than capable in the equipment department. His cock was at least 8 inches long and very thick around. I slowly teased him with my fingernails, rubbing my index finger around and around the head, and spreading his pre-cum down his shaft with my thumb. I took him into my mouth and slowly moved down all the way to the base of his cock, taking his entire length down to my throat.

While I was doing this, I hesitated slightly, thinking that Nicky might wonder where I learned this technique. But he didn't protest, nor did he last very long. After a few moments of sucking, his hips bucked a bit and his cock became a little harder. I sped up the pace and very quickly Nicky let out a low growl and filled my mouth with his cum. For the first time, I wasn't disgusted by having a man's jism in my mouth. For me, it was an act of love to take it all and swallow it.

"I'm so sorry I came so fast Candice," he said.

"Shhh," I answered. We have all day."

Soon Nicky was hard once again. I asked him to remove my nightshirt and play with my nipples. By this time, I was so turned on, all I wanted was Nicky inside of me. It had been a long time since I felt a man take my pussy. Thoughtfully, Nicky remembered the condoms, but was fumbling with it as he tried to put one on. I rolled it on for him and then took him over to a chair in the corner of the room. Nicky sat down, and I straddled him, slowly lowering myself on his throbbing cock. By this time I was so wet, his cock, even though fairly large, just slipped right into my pussy as if that was where it was meant to be all along.

Nicky didn't have to do anything. I held his head to my chest. When I had him all the way inside my pussy, I involuntary squeezed his cock, and had a mild orgasm that seemed to last for several minutes. We sat still like that, not moving or rocking, just Nicky holding me, kissing me passionately, and then moving down to suck on first one and then the other nipple. We never moved, but that small orgasm was repeated twice more as Nicky tweaked my nipples and alternately took each one into his mouth.

With Nicky's cock still buried in my pussy, he lifted me as I wrapped my legs around his back and held on to his neck. Standing up, he grabbed my ass with both hands and began to bounce me up and down. Within seconds we both let out a yell and came hard together. We didn't fuck; we made sweet love, and we did it once more that morning. We stayed in bed all day, not even taking a break to get something to eat, just holding each other, not exchanging words, but glowing in the way our bodies communicated. While I certainly wasn't a virgin, I knew then that this was the first time anyone ever really made love to me. In my mind, I couldn't even put it into the same category as what I did in high school and later at Jilly's and with Cordo. It was something totally different. I realized that this was the way sex was meant to be.

While dating Nicky, I learned that he was absolutely obsessed with Frank Sinatra. He got this from Papa Manetta who had every album and every movie Sinatra ever made. We would drive around in Nicky's red Mustang convertible with the top down listening to Sinatra music. There used to be a radio station on local New York City radio that was powerful enough to reach up to Westchester county. On Saturday nights in the car, we would park and listen to a show called "Saturday Night with Frankie." I know...You're thinking that this Saint Nicholas character is just too good to be true; too much of a goody two shoes. Well, that's exactly what he was. And I loved it! While other kids were in mosh pits listening to head banging rock and getting stoned, Nicky and I were listening to Sinatra and making out in his car. Go figure! The girls back at Jilly's would never have believed it.

When we returned to school for the spring semester of our senior year, Nicky and I basically lived together in his dorm. There were two bedrooms, so privacy was never an issue. Mickey was his roommate and he was like our brother. The lovemaking was never planned, nor was it ever forced. He never tried to take advantage of me. We were simply very attuned to each other's bodies. When it happened, it just happened. It was spontaneous and wonderful, and something that I wanted to do with Nicky for the rest of my life. While Nicky started out a virgin, he became a sexual artist, finding new ways to make me come every time we made love.

That spring, right after Nicky and I graduated, we moved into Momma and Papa's place. They treated me like a daughter. Of course, I stayed in the guest room. We were engaged and in love. But Nicky soon had to leave, since he did get a contract to play Class A minor league ball with the Sussex County Federals in New Jersey, an affiliate of our local major league team, the New Amsterdam Federals. Since this was the New York/New England league, all of his games were easily within driving distance. Throughout that summer, on weekends, I traveled to wherever the team was, spending the nights with Nicky and returning on Mondays to Momma and Papa's house.

Then in mid-August, we received a phone call late one night in the middle of the week. We knew that Nicky's team was playing in Bridgeport, Connecticut. The news was not good. While sliding into third base trying to stretch a double into a triple, Nicky broke his leg. It was a bad break requiring surgery, after which infection set in. It was touch and go for a while, but Nicky pulled out of it. Unfortunately, that was the end of Nicky's promising baseball career. His dreams of making it to the major leagues were dashed in an instant.

Nicky returned home from rehab in early September. Over the next several weeks, he underwent hours of intense physical therapy. Meanwhile, I was accepted into the graduate Chemistry program at the local university. And I managed to get a part-time Lab Assistant job with a local Chemical research and development company. I went to school in the day, and worked three nights a week. Basically Momma and Papa supported us.

During that time, was I ever tempted by other men both in school and at work? You may find this hard to believe, but never, not once. And so many men would try to talk their way into my panties, despite the very prominent engagement ring on my left hand. I never spoke to Nicky about these incidents. I was afraid what he might do to those guys. Eventually, the guys I went to school with all got the message that I was not trolling for any extracurricular activity, and they left me alone.

It took the better part of that fall for Nicky to be able to get back to normal. He was heartbroken that he could no longer play professional baseball and felt pretty useless sitting around all day. But he had his degree from N.A.U. in Physical Education with a minor in Business Management. The following January, he managed to get a job teaching and coaching baseball at the local high school.

Eleven months later in November of 1992, Nicky and I decided to tie the knot. Momma and Papa wanted us to wait a year so that we could have a bigger wedding. But Nicky and I wanted to commit to each other very badly. We had a beautiful church wedding. (Yes...I still had a certain amount of trepidation going into church, though my anxiety was a lot less than on the previous Christmas Eve.) The ceremony was followed by a small reception in a banquet hall behind an Irish bar in the northwest Bronx - Mickey's father's bar. What do I remember most about our wedding? It was our first dance to Sinatra's rendition of "The Way You Look Tonight." This song would also play a key role in my later separation from Nicky. Just thinking about the words to the song is now causing me to tear up and feel the hole in my heart that Nicky left when he walked out. But in reality, I put that hole in my own heart.

We didn't have time for a real honeymoon, since I was still at school. After the wedding, we did manage to take a long weekend to Lake Otsego, not far from Cooperstown, New York. Nicky's mom and dad owned a cabin up at the lake that Momma and Papa were forced to sell shortly after their death. Nicky had an emotional attachment to that cabin. He could remember many a summer that he and his dad fished on that lake before their tragic accident. Of course, no trip to Lake Otsego would have been complete without a visit to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Hokey, I know. (A couple of years later we managed to take a belated honeymoon, trip to Hawaii. This was Momma and Papa's wedding present.)