All Comments on 'The Widowmaker Ch. 01'

Like the story so far like most people I have my views as to where this goes. Hope you will make the story into fewer longer parts as there is nothing quite so annoying as waiting for the next bit. A good start for a first story

Regards G

great start to a good story

Interesting start and rather well written. I certainly intend to follow this.

so far its good... but we already know several things

Hubby can read her encrypted diary/ notebook...

Hubby has been killing off wifey's lovers....

wife is essentially a high paid whore/ slut and

she cannot possibly be in love with greg.. 1 time on the road maybe...

but to INTENTIONALLY engage in deceit fraud (secret Identities) against one's spouse with several long term affairs... and to claim "well I love him sooo much..."

please ... that is just USDA grade A 100% bullshit

My only comment is about style. One of the best articles I've read about writing is from Phil Phantom's: Guide to Writing Good Sex. He describes how to convert passive to active voice. You have a good beginning here--but the amount of passive voice became quite distracting. It's killing the story. Remember show don't tell. You're definitely telling this story (including backstory), detracting from what could become an enjoyable read.

Good luck!

You would think she would have caught on by now. I detest her cheating and then reading her inner thoughts of how much she "loves" her husband. Her betrayal shows how much she loves her husband. Not at all.

A great start to the story. Hopefully she will realize the consequences of her adultery and stop before she kills more people.

Just don't leave her husband clueless.

but now I'm not so sure!

I'm interested! At least so far as thinking it just might NOT be the husband!

Like Blue88, I'm interested and intend to follow this one further.

Well, Gregg may well have read her diary. But this sounds like "Psycho" right now. We didn't hear any wild screeching, though. I somehow feel that will be the best answer.

I enjoyed this story but hope you dont take too long to write the next chapter.

he;s just such a loving, solid, caring, and trustworthy man,,,

yeah, that's what we like to know, too! , what did she ever do to snared him: surely it ain't honesty. but, oh, she loved him to death!

but in the mean time there's err an itch between her legs and she must find errr a way to scratch it! the the DRAKE hwere she usually goes to pick up men on her regular trips,,, yeah, that's the place to have pick up handsome and romantic strangers, married men, to have her itch scratched, that's right!

oh, gosh, such a loving wife Darla is!! one, Greg will NEVER find out; two, if he find outs, for some forbidden reasons, he's simply gonna fall to his knees and beg her to not leave him, to just make sure he receive the usuall love she's alawys given him all these years,,, what a luck bastard I am, he's gonna say to himself,,, to end up with such a loving and lovely and errr generous woman for a wife,,, someone who makes so many married men go into their deaths smilin' thinking about her! LOL

but I forsee a problem if the author tells us later that Greg knows about her cheating and is the one bumping off her paramours.

The sorts of things Scipionyx has Greg thinking - and so is telling us - are not compatible with him knowing about her cheating. If Greg does know, then the author is lying to us - and that is a no-no.

He is telling us Greg's thoughts, and MUST tell us the truth. Very different from having Greg tell us what he is thinking, because Greg may well be a liar.

BUT, THE AUTHOR CANNOT LIE TO HIS READERS.

Mislead, misdirect, emphasise the wrong viewpoint - yes, but not lie.

This is a very nice start to a story from a new author for this section. So far it has computers, future detective work and a new story line form a new author.

Thank you for your efforts. I hope we do not have to wait forever for the follow up chapter(s).

first release on this website??? please tell me you've done this for a long long while since this was wonderful...great detail, well written and leaves so many open story line possiblitys for future chapters..ahem which i do pray do not take long to produce? *smile*...keep up the awesome work it seems to be recieve very well by the readers and fans. respectfully fan in Texas naynay

.....of your disclaimer at the start of the story. Not because I thought I "fell" into your catagories listed, but because I'm not a fan of the "style" warning that you decided to use.

Telling a reader from the start how you expect them to enjoy your story, the way you expect them to act and conduct themselves in their comments, and what you plan to do with those to don't follow your "given" guidelines always puts me off. If your going to do that, you might as well go the extra mile and say that only those folks who agree with you are the ones your willing to read. At least that's how I felt when I read it.

And I could really careless if it's a story based in faction or based in fact, long as one way or another it's not too much of a stretch for the story to stay "believeable". For example: If you have it set in current day to day life and have it stay believable most folks are ok with that and can concentrate on just the story. But if you decide to have the hero get beamed aboard the Starship Enterprise at some point during the story, where Captain Kirk greets him dressed as a cowboy, and Yoda is there offering to give him free Jedi lessions, believeablity for me and many others just went out the window. I believe you should understand the difference in when that happens and when folks are heckling you just to heckle. A few authors seem to forget that and get upset when everyone doesn't go for their story the way they think they should.

Besides that, the only other things that I really found difficult and hard to follow was the facts that the wife has cheated on her husband with both "Men" AND "Women", but so far I'm being given the impression that it's just the "Men" that are dying. The title of the story says "Widowmaker" so that gives me the impression only the male lovers are dying. And that the wife only feels the *tiniest* bit of guilt for sleeping with the men. The women don't seem to bother her much in the guilt department because she often was having lesbian relationships before she met the husband. Hmmmm.

That and something else doesn't add up for me. The author points out how clumsy, gulible, and distracted the wife is seen by everyone around her, yet she has a whole secret other life, complete with a duplicate identity setup to let her act as her dead foster mother, and the husband is not supposed to know anything about this and that she has managed to keep it hidden for years. But I guess it's possible for her to be extremely smart, the best physical actress around, and at the same time all while keeping her seperate books, idenity, and secret life from coming to light. This is where you start to really stretch my believeablity. That and a few other things I'll leave to comment on later.

Also how can someone of her husbands supposeded caliber not see past any of this if he as good as he's supposed to be in this story at his job?

The reason I asked the above question is that I'll have to agree with Kanga's comments below mine. It's one thing to let the reader draw their own conclusions from a story, whether they are right or wrong, because the reader will decide how they feel based on the facts presented in the story. But from what I pointed out above it feels like your trying to lead the readers down one path, only to switch gears on us at a later date. I could be wrong, and I hope I am, but it feels that way. And if that's the case, then a lot of readers will become upset and annoyed by this turn of events and will feel cheated by the ending, regardless of how you chose to write it. There is a big difference in suspending belief to enjoy the story and being fed enough of the story to draw the expected conclusion, only to find out everything you were lead to believe was only done with the goal of giving you the wrong impression.

Think of it this way: It's like reading a "Who done it" mystery, but from the begining you had the author tell you the butler did it at the beginning of the story and start to spin the story around that. But at the end the story author decides to switch the story of who the murderer is over to Col. Mustard with a whole new set of reasons to back it up. The reader feels cheated out of figuring out on their own what was going on, because the author decided to dileberatly mislead them. Very few apperciate that type of twist.

-Risq

No disrespect ment to you sir, but you have your personal feedback turned off so I have to say this to you in this public forum. my apologies go to the author of this story.

The more unbelievable a scenario is the more likely it is to be true. Just think back to the infamous 9/11 incident. Just how unbelievable was that just twenty-four hours before it happened. And of course there is the old one about the Titanic being unsinkable.

Keep an open mind, you just never know what is going to happen next.

Regards to you and the author of this story

The Wanderer

I've read this story three times so far. I see more possiblities than I can shake a lucky rabbits foot at. Yeah this is a nicely started who done it. Please don't let it be Mary?

Thankyou

You have to know by now, I'm going to take much offense at anything you said in your post below. My parents always told me not to fear the truth when you hear it. (^_^)

I wasn't trying to say that the author shouldn't make us stretch our minds in the realm of believeablity, and that's why I threw in the extreme example of mixing in UFO's with the Star Trek and Star Wars galaxies into a story set into day to day life. I can see stretching the mind, but not bending it at odd angles because its easier to do so than to explain why something happened.

But with that being said, what I really had a problem with was the disclaimer primarly and just a "few" stray bits in the story. While the story itself did stretch me at times, I believe the author will explain it (I hope =)) in other parts of the story as to keep the realm of belief open. I'd prefer to give the benifit of the doubt than to condemn. Specially since we know nothing else about the style or this story.

And I applogize to the author if I didn't explain it right in my first post. All I was trying to say wasn't that the author shouldn't experiment with the story, but I kinda felt when I read the disclaimer that it might have been added as a cop out to keep from adding enough points to the story to explain why something was the way it was, what happened to lead up to these actions of the charaters in the story, or to even prevent people from posting things in response to the story like "What! No one in their right mind would ever do that".

People are going to say things like that. I mean if they have no frame of reference then they can't enjoy a story because they can't identify with it. But for most to be enjoyable it has to retain some elements of believeablity, thats all I was trying to say. =)

Hopefully I'm a little more clearer this time around. (^_^)

-Risq

As I told you . . . you have a good style of writing and it will take off after a few more installments. Don't take all of the critiques too seriously. You just be true to yourself and write for yourself above all else and you can't go wrong . . . angel.

Well....bill

I always like to be talked down to by writers who think we should be dam' glad to read their trope. It reads like an early TOR novel and lacks any subtlety from my point of view. Others will like it. They probably are right.

Neither Darla or Greg are sympathetic characters and I simply don't care about what may or may not happen to them. (Greg probably shouldn't kill her lovers) It's obvious from the start that it is a marriage of convenience without the complication of love.

As I said, others will like the story and will like it a lot. I'm not going to rate it or comment further.

Good lead in and I hope this.is going somewhere. Hope Greg had something to do with offing her lover. Well, just read on.

Were I dictator for a day I'd decree a slow painful death for any Literotica writer whose main character was a super spy or Seal Team operative. That said, lets see what chapter 2 brings.

As of 3/28/2022

This appears to be a dead storyline. Part two was submitted in 2006. No activity for 16 years...

I read the comments and I guess the writer decided to ditch the story! So?

I refuse to start reading something that i have a good reason to believemay not be complete. And sure enought, this story id incomplete. It remains to be seen if it joins the long list of stories that are never completed. DO NOT SUBMIT A STORY UNTIL YOU HAVE A WHOLE STORY.