There and Back Again Ch. 156

It felt like I was drowning and burning all at the same time. I couldn't, I wouldn't let him see how deeply wounded I felt. If he didn't...didn't feel that way about me anymore, if the miscarriage had meant the end of my husband's desire...I wasn't going to guilt him into anything he didn't want to do, wasn't going to be that pathetic person who would beg for his affection, put up with a lie and use his good nature to tie him to me, to coerce him to stay. I remembered the song from back on Earth – the Sheryl Crow one that started our relationship – where she implored her lover to lie to her and never leave. I will never be that woman.

I wouldn't be strong enough to leave him – I knew that – but I wasn't going to ask for the lie.

I fell back on feigning nonchalance, drawing a shaky breath and forcing a neutral expression onto my face before sitting up and extracting myself from our now-awkward position. "Right." I was surprised by how steady my voice was, though I sounded enough like the Tranquil I'd met the night before to make me cringe. "I've got to go see what's happening with Faren. Do you know when we're supposed to start?"

I studiously avoided looking at his face as I scrambled off of him, and then off the bed altogether. I was naked, and suddenly incredibly self-conscious about that fact, but I couldn't do anything to draw attention to it or Alistair might guess how I felt, might get to feeling guilty, and I couldn't have that.

"Hey," Alistair objected, but I escaped just as he reached for my arm, "wait, Sierra—"

I rummaged quickly in my wardrobe and found some smalls, yanking them up my legs; I knew they were going to be soaked through in no time, but there was no way I was taking the time to have a bath, not with Alistair in the room. "I almost forgot the ritual was today, we've been so busy lately," I blathered on, as though I hadn't heard him; I didn't even really listen to what I was saying, never mind give him space for a response, mostly because I feared the alternative – I wasn't going to keep it together if I had too much time to think, too much awkward silence would make it even worse, and there was nothing he could say that wasn't guilt-ridden or likely to cause more problems in the long run.

"I do hope it works – I wonder how long it will take?" I threw on a dress, tugged my hair into a rough bun, and turned towards the door before even glancing back at him. I must have moved even faster than I thought, because he'd only had time to sit up and swing his feet out of bed, and I didn't have to look at his face to know he was feeling concerned and confused all at the same time – his stiff posture said it all. Just seeing him from the neck down – I wasn't going to make eye contact, I wasn't – sent a wave of pain through me. His strong arms, shoulders, pecs, and abs still made my mouth water, and I wanted nothing more than to bury my face in his chest hair and breathe in his scent – but I couldn't. And it hurt.

"I'll see you down there?"

He might have said something, but my heart was pounding so loud I didn't hear it. I waited until I saw his shoulders move in a way that told me he nodded – and I fled. I opened the door to our bedroom and raced through it, pulling it hard behind me to make sure it closed even as I kept going. I startled the guards standing outside the door to our suite, and heard scrambling as Avanna pulled a sharp turn to follow me as I nearly ran down the hallway.

I'd made it halfway to the dining room when I realised that I was not going to have breakfast with everyone else – Aedan and Zev would know something was wrong at a glance. I'm not up for having that conversation, thank you very much. I stopped, considering avoiding the meal altogether – but my stomach took the opportunity to growl loudly, and with a sigh, I changed directions, heading straight to the kitchen instead.

I'd never spent much time in the kitchens – other than my tour, I hadn't been there at all, hadn't even spent the time to do planning with the cook. But I had a rough idea of where things were, and I snuck in slowly, not wanting to draw attention to myself or interrupt whatever activities were underway. To no avail – the cook noticed me the second I put one foot inside the door, and rushed over immediately, expression worried.

"My Lady! Can I help you?" She wrung her hands anxiously, dropping into a sort of awkward half-curtsy while trying not to touch anything – her hands were covered in flour.

I'd asked all the servants not to curtsy, but most of them had difficulty going along with that – while they also worried I'd be actually upset with them for disobeying me. The result was an awkward bob that made both of us feel weird. The unspoken 'what's wrong' question was obvious, and I took a deep breath, trying to put my own problems behind me and do my job. Which doesn't involve terrorizing hapless cooks.

I smiled warmly and put my hand on her shoulder. "No, no. Please don't curtsy! I don't want to bother you. I'm just in a bit of a hurry this morning, and I was hoping to grab an apple or something to eat while I work."

She grinned, relief palpable, and gestured for me to follow her. "You're too kind, my Lady. It's a right treat to work for someone who don't think she's above us regular folks, let me tell you." I flushed and she grinned. "I can do better than an apple, my Lady. You're too thin anyway, if you don't mind my saying. Here." I had lost weight, with all the stress about the Architect, not that I'd expected anyone to notice. I blushed again, and her smile turned motherly.

She wiped her hands on a nearby towel, then grabbed a small plate and began piling items on it as she walked. She nabbed some pieces of sliced fruit, some cheese, a juicy sausage, and a few small pastries that had clearly just come out of the oven; she gestured at one of her helpers, who slathered two thick slices of bread with butter and put them on top. "You just send someone down when you get hungry mid-morning, and I'll send something up."

I took the plate gratefully – Avanna shook her head when asked if she wanted anything – and left the kitchen with my breakfast, at a loss for where to go to eat it. I finally sighed and headed up to my office, leaving Avanna outside and closing the door firmly behind me. I dropped into my chair, put the plate on my desk, and rubbed my face ruefully. I'm too busy for this, right? Right. Work. I can do that.

I ate while I worked, keeping busy to stop myself from thinking; it was perhaps an hour later when a brisk knock on my door made me jump. I looked up just in time to see the door swing open and Aedan's handsome face peek around the frame.

"It's time – Anders says they're ready. You coming?"