There and Back Again Ch. 025-026

"Back home...you can't be adopted unless your parents sign some papers. So since no one knew who mine were, I couldn't be put up for adoption. Instead, there's a system in place to take care of unwanted kids like me. It's the same system that will take kids away from parents who beat them or whatever. So there's quite a few homeless children floating around. Someone decided, I don't know who, that orphanages were cruel and impersonal, so they came up with another plan. It's called the foster system.

"The government...the crown, I suppose is the closest thing, will pay families to take care of unwanted children. So virtually anyone can apply, and they try to check to make sure you're not some pervert who would hurt kids, and then they stick one or two (or rarely, several) kids into these homes and pay for their upkeep. The families are called 'foster'. Foster-mother, foster-father, foster-home, foster-child. Some of those homes are really good people, who just want to help. Most of them are people who are desperate for coin, and try to take advantage. They take the upkeep pay and refuse to use it on the child, keeping it for themselves. The kids are neglected, or even abused, and no one believes children when they complain about stuff like that, so they rarely get caught. A very few of the foster-parents are actually pedophiles. People who sexually abuse kids."

I was speaking quietly, but the horror on the faces of everyone around me told me that it was loud enough. Aedan looked like he would be sick.

"So anyway, once you're in the system, you tend to get moved around a lot. Some of the families aren't very stable, and lose their approval to be foster-families. Sometimes they decide they don't like you, because you complain too much or you're too noisy or whatever, and they send you back. So every few years, at least, and more often every few months, you get taken from one foster-home and put in another. It gets worse as you get older, too - at least the little ones are cute, and they don't know any better so they don't get families in trouble if they forget to feed them or treat them cruelly.

"I was raised by fifteen different foster-families, until I was old enough to escape the system. At sixteen, I applied to be considered an adult and moved out on my own. I was lucky - I never ended up in the families where the kids were sexually abused - but I only had one foster-home where they cared about me as anything more than an income source."

My stomach was rebelling, by this point, and the odd ache in my chest that I'd always felt whenever I thought of family was raging. I hoped that, from years of public speaking, nothing would show on the outside.

"In the foster-homes, I often had little foster brothers and sisters, and if I was the oldest, it would be my job to take care of them. And they frequently got lice. There's a medicine at home that makes it easy to get rid of lice, but it's expensive so usually the parents wouldn't buy it. So I learned how to do this."

Alistair cleared his throat. "Does this have something to do with your nightmare? From the Fade?"

I nodded. "Not the lice, but the rest, yes. That...place was a mental institution. A place they stick people who are too crazy to be out in the world, where healers can take care of them. Since all this started, I've been afraid someone there would decide that I was insane and put me in one of those places. And then, I have always been lonely, I suppose. And I suspect every orphan or adopted kid out there wonders if they have a family somewhere that they don't know about. So they played on both things - my fear of being locked up, and my desire to have a family. In the nightmare, I was crazy and had forgotten I had a family; Aedan and Leliana were my siblings, and Theron was my husband, and they were trying to convince me that everything I could remember wasn't real. And you were the healer who locked me in there." His eyes were shadowed, and I knew my own pain was on display a little too visibly. I rubbed my face, cleared my throat, and changed the subject.

I had finished with Leliana's hair, and I explained that we would have to do it every couple of days for two weeks to be sure they were gone. She nodded, then reached down and squeezed my hand before heading to the cookpot.

"Next!" I called, and Aedan approached. I gestured for him to sit, but he surprised me by kneeling in front of me and hugging me to his chest. His voice was hoarse with emotion, when he pulled away, and he told me he loved me before kissing my forehead. Tears threatened, but I managed to stave them off.

His shorter hair was easier, and it only took me a few minutes to finish. I tried convincing Leli to watch what I was doing, so she could continue if I disappeared, but she was totally disgusted and couldn't bear it. Wynne was completely disinterested in watching, to my surprise, and seemed to prefer reading her book to helping out. Zevran ended up sitting beside me and agreeing instead.

"Ah, I wish I had known this when I was back in the whorehouse in Antiva! Every time lice went through there, we all had to shave our heads and the whores wore wigs until it grew back in."

"I bet it was the wigs that the lice were living in."

"No doubt! We shall have to spread news of this miraculous cure."

"Unfortunately it won't work very well here. I've never seen a fine enough comb for it." I showed him the closely spaced teeth on my plastic comb. "I'm going to have to start importing combs every time I go back. The metal ones are even better, actually."

"I'm assuming you need this treatment as well." He gestured to the comb. "May I?"

I agreed and he went to work. It takes at least an hour to do it well on long hair, and as the person being treated, it's actually quite relaxing. I closed my eyes and just enjoyed it, even though he did seem to brush my neck, ears, and cheeks more often than strictly necessary. Once he was done, he returned my comb and took his place in front of me.

His hair was soft and silky, and a joy to play with. I meticulously combed through it, making sure to give him the same treatment he gave me - 'accidentally' stroking the tips of his pointed ears, or leaning forward so that the curve of my breast nudged his shoulder. By the time I was done, I was quite certain I knew which of us had been more affected, and it wasn't me. When I declared myself finished, he sighed softly, stood, thanked me, and walked off into the bush. I giggled to myself and then motioned Morrigan over.

"Next!"

Long before I finished everyone, my arms were too tired to continue and Zevran had to take over. I was thus saved from having to do Alistair's, to my relief. Alistair seemed less pleased, but he held his tongue and submitted. To Zev's credit, he waited until he was finished with Alistair before making any suggestive comments.

I also had everyone air out their blankets, using sticks to beat them and try to delouse them as well as possible. I knew we would need to wash them in hot water, and sooner rather than later, but as we had no extras it would have to wait a bit. Bodahn mentioned he knew of a hotspring on the way back to Redcliffe where the water was too hot to bathe, and actually warmed the air around it - if we camped close enough to it, we should be able to wash our blankets and still be warm enough to allow them to dry overnight.

That evening I pulled Zev aside at one point when no one was looking.

"Will...will you do me a favour?"

"If it is within my power, then yes."

"Do you have your tattoo needles?" Zevran's eyebrows rose and he smirked.

"You wish me to mark you?"

"Yes."

"You know it is painful, yes?" I nodded.

"I've had one before." This definitely got his attention. I tucked the hem of the pants of my armour to show him my tiny rose, only to have my jaw drop -- it wasn't there. I smacked myself in the forehead; of course it wasn't -- this body didn't get a tattoo. I shrugged, embarrassed and uncertain how to explain it; he just raised an eyebrow.

"What is it you'd like to have done?"

I described what I was looking for. I wanted it small enough to hide, large enough to see the detail, and on my back where no one would see it unless I was naked. I sketched a rough design out into the dirt with a stick, and he nodded. He asked a few questions about colours and shading, which I declined.

"Will you tell me why?"

"No. At least, not right now." He studied my face for a few moments, and finally agreed.

I followed him to his tent, crawling in and unlacing my leathers enough that he could get at my back. He prepped the skin with some sort of oil and began, freehand. I was intensely curious, but resolved to trust in his artistic ability. It was painful, but my meditation practice with Alistair came in handy and I was able to tune it out, clearing my mind and thinking of nothing. How long we sat like that, I wasn't sure, but it must have been hours. As the light waned, he lit a couple of candles, and I vaguely wondered if he would have enough light to see. He didn't complain, so I decided to trust him.

When he was done, we used a crude mirror that he carried along with the small compact mirror I had brought so he could show me. It was perfect. In stark black outline, a griffon and a dragon were squaring off, only the outline of their profiles, in the centre of a Chantry starburst. The dragon was breathing fire, and the griffon appeared to be squawking in defiance. And I swore I saw what looked like the letters A and S in the swirls of the fire. I pointed them out and raised an eyebrow. Zevran kept his face impassive, but his eyes sparkled as he lied to me.

"Purely random. If you see letters, it is because you see what you want to see." I didn't believe him. "Do you wish me to change it?"

I stared a little bit longer. "No, Zev. It's perfect. Thank you." My smile was warm and he returned it, seeming very pleased with himself. I chose to ignore it. He handed me a by-now familiar small red vial, instructing me to drink a few drops four times a day to promote healing and prevent infection. Apparently using a poultice or drinking too much could ruin the dye. It was only slightly sore before, and I could barely feel it after drinking the potion. Too bad they didn't have these potions on Earth when I got my rose! I recalled the dressing changes and vitamin E cream applications with amusement. Zevran told me I didn't need to protect it much or keep it covered as long as I drank my drops.

I slept heavily, again ignoring the veiled looks from Alistair and Wynne as I climbed into and out of Aedan's tent. I knew I could have cleared it up - explained how Aedan and I felt about each other, what Bryce Cousland had said to me inside the temple - but I wasn't ready to talk about it, and Aedan seemed content to let me choose how much to say.

We packed up for the two week trek back to Redcliffe. I spent some time riding the cart, dealing with Bodahn's and Sandal's hair, and chatting with the talkative dwarves. I also spent some time teaching Leliana more songs from home, though only when no one else was listening. I spent the rest of the long days on foot circulating through talking to everyone. I was back to our usual evening routine of sparring with Aedan (with Zevran 'helping', and more often flirting), followed by supper and templar training with Alistair. For the first couple of days the tattoo was slightly tender, and I was grateful for Bodahn's cart to hold our gear. By the time I'd finished my little red vial, I couldn't even feel it anymore, though when I had Zevran check he told me it was still puffy and would take a few weeks to be perfect again.

Zevran and Aedan started sparring with each other while I did templar training. The difference between their skill level and mine was incredible, and a few times before or after my templar practice I watched in awe as they danced around each other with deadly grace. They started spending time comparing styles, weapons, and armour, and I grinned to see Aedan looking so relaxed. Some of the grief that had been almost palpable the past few weeks had been replaced with an easy smile and a ready joke, and I couldn't have been happier.

On the fourth night I sat with Alistair, for once alone (instead of with Wynne or Morrigan) practicing some focused visualisation that I wasn't having much luck with. We were outside of camp, as distraction wasn't really the point, and once I had fumbled my way through it and finally given up with a headache, I stood to go back to camp. Alistair seemed irritable, and had made a couple of sarcastic comments about my lack of progress, which was quite unlike him. Deciding that I didn't want to deal with a cranky Alistair, I was sort of rushed about leaving the little clearing we'd been sitting in.

"Oh, wow, not even going to hide it tonight, hey?"

"Uh...what?" I turned back, brow furrowed in confusion.

"Don't mind me. Go ahead and rush back to Aedan. Or is it Zevran now? I can't keep track."

"Excuse me?" He either didn't notice or chose to ignore the heat in my face, and continued blithely on.

"Well there's been such a parade, I'm having a hard time keeping them all organised. I mean, between sharing a tent with Duncan, and the way Cailan and Teagan look at you, and then into Aedan's tent, and now the way Zevran touches you? I can't figure out whether you're looking to find the best protector, or just like the variety. But don't let me stand in your way, they're probably back there waiting to vie for your attention."

I had hit my limit. That, of all the people I had met in Ferelden, the one I cared about most could look at me that way, could assume what he had, was too much. My temper was well and truly lost, somewhere, and with a shriek I reached out and grabbed the offending bastard by his ear. I dragged him, cursing and hobbling along, over to the campfire, finally letting go with a shove to Alistair's posterior that sent him reeling over to stand near where everyone else was sitting and chatting, rubbing his ear. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared up at me in shock.

"The very next person to call me a whore, to even imply it, is going to find out the hard way whether I've learned to use this shiny dagger I carry around with me." I flourished the dagger ostentatiously and then slipped it back into its sheath. My face was deadly serious, and I must have looked incredibly angry because everyone stared at me, open-mouthed in shock. "Now all of you listen to me, because I'm only going to say this once.

"I have never had sex with Duncan, nor will I. Same goes for Theron and Teagan. I have not had sex with him," I pointed to Aedan, "him, her, her, him or her," pointing to Zevran, Leliana, Morrigan, Sten, and Wynne in sequence. "If you don't believe me, because why would you if you think I'm such a slut? Ask each of them. I have no intention of having sex with any of them, and if I decide to change my mind, I'll be sure to submit a request for your approval in triplicate, Your Majesty." This last was spit in Alistair's direction, and my face must have looked truly frightful because he paled slightly. "Now I'm going over there, if anyone needs me. And Alistair? Stay the hell away from me."

I turned to walk away, and saw Zevran's shocked expression morph into one of bemusement as he opened his mouth to make some sort of smart comment. Before he said a word, I had the dagger out of its sheath and threw it across the small clearing to thunk into the wood of the small stump he sat on, right between his legs. I was amazed -- I'd never thought to throw a dagger before, and doubted I could repeat that shot if my life depended on it. To his credit, Zevran didn't jump or tumble back in surprise, but instead schooled his expression, cleared his throat slightly, pulled the knife out of the wood, and said "So, uh, should we get a start on supper?" I smirked in grim satisfaction, collecting my dagger and stalking off through our small camp to go sit by myself on the far side of Bodahn's wagon. The dwarf took one look at my face as I walked by, grabbed Sandal by the arm and marched him away to leave me in peace.

I sat for probably half an hour shaking with rage, before the hurt finally broke through. The first couple of tears had just fallen when Aedan, with impeccable timing as usual, crept up and slid down beside me. He didn't say anything, just put his arm around me and pulled me against him. I cracked, shuddering through heaving sobs as he just held me. Finally when I settled, he cleared his throat.

"Sierra, I realise this doesn't help right now, but he's only asking out of jealousy."

"Doesn't make him less of an asshole."

"Agreed. Completely. Believe me, I'm not defending him; although, actually I do feel a bit sorry for him with the way everyone jumped on him after you left. I don't imagine Leliana, Wynne, or even Morrigan have left much of him unbruised, to be honest." I smiled, grateful yet again to have true friends for the first time in my life. "I'd have killed him myself if I didn't know what was going on. All I was trying to say is that he wouldn't care which tent you slept in unless he cared about you."

I jumped slightly. "You think he cares? Why would he, if he assumes I've slept with everyone who isn't him?"

"He doesn't think you have, Sierra. He's scared that you have. And big macho men don't tend to handle being scared or jealous very well. Add that to you avoiding him..."

"I don't avoid him. I've been training with him every evening for weeks!"

"But you don't talk to him. Not like you do with the rest of us. You don't joke, or tease, or touch him. He notices."

"I can't, Aedan. I...he...we can't be together, not ever. And it hurts too much to talk to him knowing that."

"If you love him, sweet sister, then at least tell him that. He's hurt and doesn't know what to make of you. Can you blame him? You smile at him like he's your personal sunshine one minute, then refuse to look at him or answer a direct question the next. You tell him that in your nightmare, he's the one locking you up. And then you flirt with Zev and share a tent with me... the poor guy is completely confused, not that it gives him an excuse to imply you're a whore, I realise. Just tell him. Give him a chance to keep his heart in one piece."

"I can't risk it. I...if he tried to convince me...Aedan, with five minutes concerted effort he'd be in my bed, consequences be damned. I can't give him the chance to change my mind. Although perhaps now would be the time - I think I'd rather stab him than look at him right now."

Aedan shook his head. "And would it be the worst thing that could happen, if he convinced you to give him a chance? If you're going to accept that you're from here, that you belong here, perhaps it's not so unreasonable for you to consider a relationship here." He sighed. "I can't force you. But I think you're being more than a little unfair to him, don't you?" He left me, then, and the grief took me again. I stayed alone, far from the only people I knew in the entire world, and wallowed in my own misery until I finally crawled into the tent Aedan and I shared and slept.