There and Back Again Ch. 035-036

As we walked, Alistair, holding my hand, slowed us until we were a dozen steps behind everyone, then pitched his voice low.

"I'm sorry, Sierra. I hate it when you see me like...that."

I looked at him quizzically. "Pardon? Like what?"

"Well, I know the violence makes you sort of sick. I hate the thought of you associating me with that. I wish you didn't have to see me fighting. And stuff."

"Oh, honey. I'm not bothered by it. I may abhor the violence, but that doesn't mean I don't want you to defend us when we're attacked. I don't think you will turn into some sort of psycho and go murder people in their sleep, or anything. I don't have anything against self-defense. I'm just too much of a pansy to help out, which is disgusting, actually. I need to harden up a bit, I know that."

"Don't. Please." His expression was sincere, his hazel eyes piercing. "You wouldn't be you if the bloodshed didn't bother you. I don't want you to become that cynical person who is immune to it. I wish I hadn't. It weighs on me, even when I know it's necessary to kill someone to defend us. I don't want you to live with it. Let us defend you."

I pulled him down for a kiss, and felt his armoured arms wrap around my waist gently. "So what you're saying is you have a thing for pansies?"

"Just one."

I gave him an Eskimo kiss, rubbing his nose with mine, which made him chuckle, and then took his hand again and pulled him along to catch up. "I haven't agreed not to try to learn how to defend, just so we're clear."

He rolled his eyes. "I'm aware."

I actually skipped for most of the rest of the day, much to everyone's amusement. Alistair just grinned at me indulgently, which got him teased by Aedan and Zevran, but he didn't even seem to notice. And I certainly didn't care. I hadn't been that happy since...ever, actually. Even Morrigan's dirty look when I bounced around her at lunch couldn't dampen my mood, especially since I was half-convinced it was fake. And I was pretty sure the scorching kisses Alistair kept laying on me periodically when he thought no one was looking were causing dampening elsewhere...so inappropriate, Sierra!

We made decent time over the next couple of days, even if I got definitely insufficient sleep. Between staying up late cuddling and canoodling with Alistair, and then lying awake in my tent, horny and unable to do anything about it because of Aedan right next to me, I was strongly wishing for a Diet Coke to give me the caffeine boost I needed. Coffee had never been my thing, and the tea in Ferelden tasted largely like ass. Despite that, leaving my tent every morning to see Alistair waiting for me with a smile that could light up the night sky kept me energetic and perky.I guess love really is all you need.I had to admit I was jealous of the Grey Warden stamina though – Alistair didn't even look tired, though I assumed he'd been getting as little sleep as I. Maybe more though, if he was able to take care of the...oh, that's a mental image I don't need right now Sierra!

We hit one darkspawn patrol on our way to Denerim. Aedan and Alistair had been feeling a group of them slowly coming closer for hours, and realising we weren't going to be able to skirt around them, we decided to ambush them for once. Morrigan scouted around and found the darkspawn, then led us to a defensible position in the trees where we could wait for them. I was behind everyone, protected; Morrigan had changed into a spider in the trees somewhere, and Zev was hiding somewhere to hit them from behind. Alistair pulled me directly behind him; had it been practical, I think he'd have had me holding onto the back of his armour the entire time. It was sweet, but still frustrating.

Finally the group of darkspawn emerged in front of us, somewhat shocked to see our entire group arrayed out waiting for them. They outnumbered us, but that wasn't uncommon, and didn't really concern me. What did concern me was a large group of archers in the back, and the aura of magic I could feel prickling my spine, even though I couldn't see the source.

"Emissary. Maybe more than one." I rubbed my arms, trying to settle the goose bumps that had formed. It was definitely a stronger aura than just Wynne by herself.

Leliana immediately began picking off archers, while Wynne protected the group from their arrows. The front line smashed into the melee-weapon-wielding darkspawn, both genlocks and hurlocks, and Morrigan and Zevran came out of hiding to bite into their backs. Useless, frustrated, I scanned the field hoping to at least pinpoint the caster before he could throw any major offensive spells. Frustrated, I slipped out from between Alistair and Wynne, ignoring Alistair's hissed warning. I snuck into the bushes, watching closely for any signs that the darkspawn noticed my movements; it seemed they were still ignoring me. I crept forwards, past those engaging Alistair, past Zevran, and over towards the archers, where I could feel the aura emanating.

Leliana had done a good job; only two archers remained, and one of them dropped with a well-placed arrow as I snuck around it. I pulled my daggers and slashed at the other archer, jumping out of the way and avoiding the spray of blood as it fell. I finally found the Emissary, huddled behind the body of one of the archers. I wasn't sure why it hadn't attacked, but it was casting something, chanting in a strange tongue, and I assumed it was either protecting itself or buffing its companions. It didn't seem to see me approach, and without even thinking, I reached out with my mind and seized its mana the way I had thought I had done previously with the Emissaries at Ostagar and with Uldred and friends. But instead of releasing it in an explosion accidentally, I continued to hold the mana as I pressed my dagger against the darkspawn's throat.

The creature hissed at me as its eyes widened in shock.

"Hello pretty."

I forced it to stand, and, still holding its mana, I marched it back towards my companions at knife point. It tried to talk to me in its strange hissing voice, but I ignored it. I wanted to see if Alistair could do what I was doing, and without risking harm to one of our mage companions, this was the best way that suddenly presented itself.

My friends were mopping up the rest of the darkspawn as I approached with my hostage. Suddenly the creature, still without mana, was surrounded by half a dozen blades in addition to my own.

"Sierra!" Alistair shouted, and I winced slightly. "Andraste's flaming sword, what do you think you are doing?"

"Look, yell at me later. I need to show you this. You asked me to train you if I figured out how to do what I do. Well, this is the only way I could come up with. Can you feel this?" Somehow, I released a tiny trickle of mana back into the Emissary. Alistair's brow wrinkled as he concentrated on what I was doing.

"I can...how are you doing that?"

I pulled the tiny amount of mana back into myself as he paid attention, and then did it again. Surrounded as it was, the creature didn't even try to take advantage of the trickle of mana, but just sort of slumped its shoulders and stood still.

"Can you feel it? Can you try?" I released a tiny amount of mana, and watched as Alistair was able to get a handle on it. Slowly I transferred more and more of the power, until we each held half.

Alistair's eyes were wide, his mouth open in wonder. "I don't think the Chantry knows about this ability."

Aedan snorted, and traded a grin with me. "I vote we don't tell them."

"Okay, so...now what? What do you do with it, once you have it like this?" Alistair still looked dumbfounded.

I grimaced. "That part I'm not totally clear on, to be honest. It's always been borne of necessity, so I never had a chance to see what I was doing. But after practicing with you, I thought I could do this on purpose to show you, and I was right."

"So what are we going to do with all this?" Alistair gestured, helplessly, and I shrugged.

"No idea."

Aedan spoke. "Kill it and then we don't have to worry about it?"

Before anyone could even reply, Sten had swung his massive great sword over his head and decapitated the Emissary. He'd aimed well; not a drop of blood landed on any of us. I turned to wipe my blades off, when I was suddenly grabbed by two different sets of hands, one on each arm. I looked up to see Aedan on one side, Alistair on the other, both with very, very angry expressions.

I tried to forestall the scolding. "Hey! I'm probably safer not standing with you guys, okay? They can't see me, so my chances of being hit by a stray arrow go down. And we needed that Emissary dead."

Aedan ran one hand through his hair roughly, then started rubbing his temples like he had a headache.

"I can't even talk about this right now. But this conversation isn't over."

He turned and walked away, and Zevran fell into step beside him as they disappeared through the trees. Prince, oblivious to his master's distress, licked my hand with a bloody muzzle and then trotted away after them. Disgusted, I looked around for something to wipe the mess off my hand – and my daggers – when I met Alistair's eyes again.

His expression was haunted, and before I could do anything else, he grabbed me and crushed me to his chest. I relaxed into the hug and sighed, hugging him back despite the gore it smeared across my armour. His voice was hoarse when he finally spoke.

"For my sake – please, please don't do that again?"

I hugged him tighter. "I can't promise that. But I can promise to try to stay safe. I wasn't in any danger. Less than you, anyway."

"You don't know that." He sighed. "You're going to be the death of me, you know."

I grinned up at him impishly. "Then I guess we're even." He rolled his eyes ostentatiously. "Now would you help me clean up? I wasn't even messy until you and Prince came along..."

We found a couple of rags and quickly cleaned our weapons and armour. I poured some water from the water skin over my hands, and scrubbed at them as much as possible. Heading back to the road, Bodahn's wagon, and the rest of the crew, everyone agreed we could use a bath. Bodahn recommended a hot spring just off the road a few hours further along, and we all hurried somewhat, eager to reach it before nightfall. Aedan avoided me the entire walk, and I knew I was in trouble later. At one point when Aedan was distracted talking with Sten, Zevran approached me.

"Ah, cara mia, you do have a way of...how should I say..."

"Pissing Aedan off?"

"Colourful, and perhaps not quite the way I would describe it, but yes, in essence."

"So what do you think? Did I do something so horrendously stupid?"

"Ah, I would not like to be in the middle of this particular conflict. But I think, perhaps, you both should wait to discuss it until cooler heads prevail, no?"

I sighed and nodded. Alistair squeezed my hand, and I was glad at least he had decided it wasn't worth the scolding.I've never had anyone scold me out of love before. Maybe it won't be so bad.I wasn't even able to convince myself of that.

We made the hot spring, and settled in to make camp. The girls decided to let the men go first, and then Leliana, Morrigan, Wynne, and I headed down and soaked in the hot spring until I finally felt almost human again. We passed around the soap and shampoo, and then just let the warm water ease the muscle aches that had become constant companions.

"This sleeping on the ground thing sucks."

"Well, Sierra, you could always try sleeping on the handsome templar...I'm sure he wouldn't mind being a comfortable mattress for you to rest upon."

I splashed Leliana indignantly, and Wynne laughed while Morrigan just sniffed, but I saw a grin under her aloof façade. That led to a long, rather embarrassing discussion with Wynne and Leliana about how Alistair and I had not progressed to that point yet, and yes I knew he was inexperienced, and yes I knew where babies come from.

"Wynne! You're supposed to have that discussion with Alistair, not me!"

"Oh, now that does sound like fun." I arched an eyebrow at the evil grin on her face. "Oh hush, let an old woman have her pleasures while she's still alive."

That earned her an eye roll and a splash from me, and we all laughed. We soaked a bit longer, before hearing someone crashing noisily through the bushes.

"It's just me," Zevran shouted, and all of us sank a little deeper into the water (though it occurred to me he could have crept up on us without anyone the wiser, had he really been trying to peek). "I have my eyes covered." I looked up to see not very covered eyes, and a smug grin. "My beautiful damsels, I have been sent to tell you that supper is ready. Or at least, so Alistair informs me."

A chorus of groans went up at the news that Alistair had been allowed to cook, but after shooing Zevran away we all climbed reluctantly out of the water and dressed. I threw on my simple peasant dress – my armour was damp from me scrubbing it – and headed back up to camp. Grabbing a bowl of the grey mush Alistair claimed was food, I tucked myself onto a small upturned log beside Alistair and tried to convince myself to eat the grey lumps floating in the grey mush.

"Someday, love, I am going to teach you how to cook. Better than this, anyway." There was a general chorus of agreement as everyone reluctantly dug into the food. Aedan still avoided me, but I found him in our tent, waiting for me, after Alistair walked me there and kissed me a very sweet, very passionate goodnight that made my toes curl.

I sighed and curled up on my bedroll. "Aedan, I know you're angry with me. But listen. I'm not going to sit by and do nothing when I can help us all survive. And I really did need to get Alistair's opinion on a templar thing. And I was probably safer on my own than standing with you guys anyway. I really..."

He interrupted me and dragged me into a tight hug. "Just shut up, Sierra! I wasn't angry. I was scared."

"Aedan, I..."

"No. I'm your brother. I'm allowed to be scared. I realise I can't stop you, that I probably shouldn't even if I could, but you have to realise that I'm going to go crazy every time it happens."

I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him to me. "I love you too, Aedan."

We curled up on our bedrolls and went to sleep holding hands. I woke in the night when my arm was suddenly pulled, somewhat violently. I opened my eyes to see Aedan's face, by moonlight, sweat rolling off his brow and his mouth open in what looked like horror. He was twitching, kicking and rolling around, but eerily silent. I crawled out of my bedroll and over to him, shaking his shoulder.

"Aedan. Wake up. It's just a dream! Aedan!" I finally shook him hard enough that his eyes flew open, unseeing, and he shouted wordlessly. As his wits returned, I saw him focus on my face, hyperventilating, and then the tears started. I sat beside him, wrapping my arms around him, and he curled into me, ending up with his head and shoulders in my lap, his arms locked around my waist while he sobbed. I stroked his hair, murmuring soothing noises, and just let him shudder. I noticed a small earring in one ear lobe, and smiled as I knew what that meant.About time. Go Zev!When he calmed a little, I spoke.

"Darkspawn dreams?"

He shook his head, a fresh round of shudders rolling through him. "No. Those are horrible, but not like this. This...Mother and Father, and then...you were...oh, Maker, and I couldn't save you..."

I hushed him, holding him tighter to me, not particularly wanting to hear the details of how I'd been mutilated or killed in his dreams. With his history, I knew his imagination had more than enough fodder to come up with something truly horrific. I started humming, Billy Joel again since it was the only lullaby I knew, and after a while his shaking stopped and I heard the soft, regular breathing that I knew meant he was asleep. I wanted to be content to stay like that and let him sleep, but I was exhausted too, and the position wasn't exactly comfortable for me. I suffered through it until my bladder spasmed, and I knew I needed to move.

"Zevran? A little help?" I hissed, hoping he'd heard Aedan's shout and was lurking within earshot. I was right, and it was only moments before I heard rustling at the tent flap.

"What do you need? Oh." Without further comment, he crawled in to the tent, gently disentangled Aedan from my lap, and eased him back onto his bedroll. His expression was shockingly tender, and I smiled at the surprisingly strong elf.

"Will you stay with him? I need to...uh...do something." He grinned at me and nodded. "Actually, I think he could benefit from you staying all night, if you don't mind. I think he'd sleep better, you know, cuddled with someone. Would you?"

He nodded again and squirmed into the tiny space behind Aedan, wrapping his arms around the bigger man. I pushed my bedroll up against him to give him a bit more space, covered them both with a blanket, and crawled out of the tent as quietly as I could. Sten was watching me with an unreadable look, as I staggered off into the woods to take care of business. When I returned, I sat down beside the big man at the fire.

"And where will you sleep, Kadan?" I was ridiculously pleased at the honorific. I wouldn't have thought that a feeble girl would ever earn a Qunari warrior's respect.

"I guess I could go in Zevran's tent...he can't complain, since he's in mine..."

I reflected that it was past time that Aedan and Zevran shared a tent every night. I was going to need a better long-term solution to my sleep disorder. I had hoped that resolving things with Alistair – the good way, for once – might help, but so far no such luck. I was still afraid to sleep. As I pondered my options, Alistair walked up to the fire, startling me. He nodded at Sten, and I realised he must have been doing his two-hourly check for darkspawn. He sat down beside me and took my hand.

"I...maybe you wouldn't be comfortable with this, I don't know, but...you could share with me, for now, if you want. It's probably inappropriate, and your brother might murder me, but I swear I'll be a complete gentleman." I was almost disappointed. "I know you don't like to sleep alone. I can make room..."

He trailed off, his face beet red but completely earnest. I had to admit, there was strong appeal to sharing a tent with a gorgeous man –my gorgeous man –even if there wouldn't be any hanky panky. I studied his eyes, looking for any sign of reluctance or worry, and found none. And I certainly wasn't afraid of being alone with him –in fact, it might take a miracle for me to keep my hands to myself.I wondered if he'd mind, but then reminded myself that I was going to wait for him to come to me. I needed to be damn sure anything we did was his idea, not mine.

After just a brief hesitation, I smiled and nodded.

"You sure that's okay?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. What, you expect me to give up my chance to wake up beside you? No way."

"I'll just grab myself a blanket from Zev's tent then."

He smiled, looking genuinely pleased. He crawled into his tent as I grabbed two blankets from Zev's and then followed him in. He was lying on his back, on the ground, leaving the bedroll for me. I shook my head.

"If we're going to do this, we're both going to be at least vaguely comfortable. You lay on the bedroll. Squish to the side as much as you can. I...can we...that is, could we cuddle? It will just make this easier."

He nodded, looking amused. I stuck out my tongue and he laughed, then tried to comply with my instructions. Apparently someone Alistair's size has trouble squishing, but I used the extra blanket to pad the dirt along his side, and then carefully lay down beside him. I encouraged him to put one arm around me, and I put my head on his shoulder. It felt...perfect. I was beyond being surprised that we fit together so well. I hummed happily and he kissed the top of my head. I thought being so close to him might be distracting, keep me from sleeping, but no sooner had we covered ourselves with blankets, I was asleep.