There and Back Again Ch. 053-054

"Love? Please sit down and talk to me. Please."

He flinched, and stopped pacing, but he didn't sit. Finally he spoke.

"You knew what it would take to make me like you."

"I don't understand, Alistair. What does that mean? I knew that you were a good person with a strong moral compass and that you wouldn't agree with doing things that were evil...what does that have to do with anything? I haven't even been the one making the decisions. I don't know what you're getting at."

He knelt down in from of me, putting us at the same eye-level, his movements jerky and almost violent. I was startled, briefly, but then immediately felt silly. This was Alistair. He'd never hurt me.

"In the game, if the Warden was male, who did I have a relationship with?"

"What? No one. It didn't show you with anyone, unless I forced you to marry Anora. Not even months after the blight ended."

"And just how am I supposed to know that?"

"I don't even know how to take that. I'd normally say 'trust me', but I'm guessing that's what this is all about."

"How am I supposed to trust you? You knew what would work on me, get me to want to be with you. You manipulated my feelings. Said the right things at the right time to ensure I was interested in you. Who was I supposed to be with? Who was I supposed to fall in love with? You changed things when you came here. How do I believe that one of those things wasn't making me love you?"

I was utterly and completely shocked. I couldn't even speak. My mouth opened and closed a number of times like a fish while I scrambled to figure out how to use my voice again, never mind actually figure out what I was going to say. He thought I used my knowledge from a previous - fake - relationship to ensure he'd fall for me. I hoped he was joking, but one look at his scowling face and I knew he wasn't.

I tried to be reasonable. He's shocked, he's upset...he doesn't know what he's saying. I hope. "Alistair, why would I do that?" I reached up to touch his handsome face, and he pulled away with a sneer. I couldn't keep the hurt out of my voice. "You're right in that I wanted you to love me, but it was because I loved you. What possible ulterior motive could I have? I don't understand."

"I don't know. I just don't. Maybe you just wanted to not be alone. Maybe you thought I'd be a good protector. Maybe you thought I was gullible enough not to question it, and there's something else you're looking for. You said yourself that I'm heir to the throne, now. Who knows what you might be after?"

"What? Think, man! If I was only with you to get access to the monarch of Ferelden, why would I have saved Cailan? And if I did, why wouldn't I just have taken him up on his offer? He'd have made me his mistress, and if I'm as good a manipulator as that, I could have become his wife, don't you think? Especially with all I know about Anora. And I don't need a protector, thank you. I think I can manage quite fine on my own - you're the one everyone is trying to kill. If I stayed away from you, I wouldn't be in any danger. And if I did need protecting, I have a brother who is more than willing to oblige. I tried to avoid you - Maker knows I tried - would I have done that if I was trying to get close to you?"

"Playing hard to get, maybe? A strategy you knew would work from your Maker-forsaken game?"

My voice cracked in despair. "Do you really think me capable of that? Of violating your trust, abusing your affection for some sick personal gain? Am I really such a monster?"

He stood, turning away from me. "I don't know. Are you?" He looked back for one moment, and the disgust written all over his face was agonising. The expression burned itself into my brain, and I sobbed, once, in abject misery.

He walked away, and I felt my heart rip to pieces as I watched him go. Did he ever really love me? Someone who loved me wouldn't believe me capable of that, would they?

I broke down sobbing, dropping my face into my hands. When I thought of the way he looked at me, the way he avoided my touch...I realised that whatever I thought I'd had, I was mistaken. I'd given my heart, my soul, and my body to him, and he just walked away. I felt violated, dirty. Even though I was sure I hadn't done anything wrong, I was ashamed. I spent a few minutes thinking back over our interactions since the time we'd met, trying to decide if I'd ever used game knowledge to manipulate him. I had used some of the lines from the game, but they were the ones that resonated most strongly with me, it hadn't been calculated. Half of them had been his, because I loved his sense of humour.

I'd tried so hard to stay away from him. I hadn't hoped for the future, hadn't even considered it, until he showed me what might have been, and then ripped it away. I'd never missed hope, because I hadn't known I was missing it; now it left a gaping void in my soul. I'd heard the term 'sucking chest wound' before, back on Earth; I had no idea what it meant, really, but the description matched the pain in my chest as I sat there, sobbing, watching all of the sandcastles I'd built out of hope crumble.

I cried myself out, until my throat was raw and my sleeves soaked with tears. Finally I leaned back, trying to draw a deeper breath through my ragged lungs, attempting to pull myself back together. Regardless of what happened with Alistair and me, we had to work together to end the blight. I wasn't going to leave my brother, or doom Ferelden out of spite; I had to manage this until the Archdemon was dead. And then I could give my notes on the events of Awakenings and DA2 to whoever survived, and go away. Find somewhere to hide, and live out the rest of my life. Aedan would help me, I was sure, or perhaps I could go with Leliana and travel.

I started to rationalise it to myself. This was probably better. Wynne wasn't wrong in thinking love was a distraction. And I'd been right when I thought that Alistair would need a noblewoman to try to have babies with, as heir to the throne. He couldn't be tied to some crazy non-Fereldan. We'd both been fooling ourselves to think that we ever had a chance. It was better that we came to terms with that now, and avoided any future problems.

The thought didn't stop the trickle of tears from resuming. "This is better," I muttered to myself under my breath. If I said it enough, maybe I would believe it, eventually.

I heard a rustling, and I jumped up, alarmed, as I saw a flash of grey fur through the trees. I unsheathed my daggers and was about to scream for help when an enormous grey wolf with amber eyes approached me. I sighed in relief and flopped back down onto the log.

"Hello, Morrigan."

Another rustle, and in place of the wolf was the beautiful witch. She smiled at me, but instead of the smirk I expected, it was surprisingly sympathetic.

"Hello, Sierra." She sat down nearby, watching my face curiously.

I wiped away the tears making tracks on my cheeks. "I suppose you heard all of that, then?" She nodded, wincing. "Wonderful. Listen, if you could not tell everyone all the details, I'd be grateful. We need to still be able to work together, and I don't think that will be possible if Aedan kills him."

"I will not tell anyone, Sierra. I knew he was an imbecile, but I never dreamed he would do something this stupid."

I looked down. "It's better this way. I realise that now."

Her tone was puzzled. "Better for who? For you, who is sitting there with your bleeding heart on display? For him, who has just walked away from the only good thing he ever had? I am not exactly a romantic, but even I could see how much you needed each other. For what it is worth, I am truly sorry, my friend."

I sighed. "Thanks. Listen, I think I might like to be alone for a while. Would you do me a favour, and make sure Aedan and everyone stays away? Tell them not to wait up for me. I just need to think."

"As you wish." She stood, brushing off her skirt and taking a couple of steps. "If you wish to talk, I will be nearby."

"Thanks, Morrigan."

She shifted into the wolf again, giving me a mournful look before loping off into the woods. I sat, alone, trying not to think, letting the tears come, and mourning my happy ending. I stayed there until it was dark, finally heading back to camp because I was cold. I'd taken off the rose pendant Alistair had given me, playing with it absentmindedly; I resolved to give it back to him. Perhaps he could sell it, get his money back. I held it in my palm, the chain curled around the silver shape, and entered camp. Everyone had gone to bed, it seemed; Shale was on the far side, ever watchful, and she nodded at me, but no one else was out.

And then I saw it. The tent. Our tent. Only it wasn't; Alistair had left the pile of enchanted canvas where it must have fallen when it was taken off Bodahn's cart, and with some spare canvas, had instead erected a small, single-person tent a ways away from everyone else. I could tell it was his - the way he put up a tent, his always canted towards the door a little. He hadn't done me the courtesy of putting up a tent for me, and no one else had apparently noticed. I had nowhere to sleep. It hadn't even occurred to me, with everything else I'd been thinking about, to wonder what the sleeping arrangements would be. I'd known it was over between us, but that small tent, to make it obvious I wasn't welcome, was like a knife in the gut.

I tried to stifle it, but knew a small cry escaped from my lips. I took one step towards the canvas I could use to make my own tent, but my knees gave out and I sank down by the fire. I heard a fluttering and saw Morrigan land in front of me, shifting from bird form as she did, and she knelt down in front of me. I reached out to hand her the necklace I carried, hoping she would understand what to do with it; I couldn't explain it, as the world started spinning and I finally passed out.

*********

I woke with a start; someone was stroking my cheek, wiping away my tears. I opened one eye with a groan to find myself in hospital, a young nurse sitting beside me and trying to wash my face. She jumped a little when I moved, but then smiled at me.

"I didn't expect you to wake up. I was just about to bathe you, but there were tears streaming down your face and I didn't know what to do."

I sat up and rubbed at my cheeks irritably, brushing away the drops of moisture. I was covered with towels to protect my modesty, but little else; fortunately the curtains around my bed had been closed. "Sorry."

I tried to say more, but my emotions overwhelmed me and I broke out sobbing again. I pulled my legs up, putting my face on my knees, and bawled. Shocked, the nurse sat beside me and awkwardly patted my shoulder, probably assuming I'd lost my mind. I was cold, overwrought, and exhausted. I was finally too tired to cry, and completely embarrassed about losing it in front of this complete stranger.

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"No. Really, really not."

I looked around and saw basins of soapy water, cloths, and towels, and sighed.

"If you find me a gown and point me at a shower, I'll save you the trouble." I gestured vaguely at the washcloth she held.

"Sounds good. Be right back."

She hurried off to find me a gown, and I got up and found my bag of toiletries. When she returned, I wrapped the gown around myself, holding the back shut with one hand, and followed her to the shower. The hot water beating down on me felt good, and I sat in there for a good hour, thankful for the hospital-sized hot water tank.

I found clean clothes waiting for me when I got out, and dressed quickly. I wondered who'd been doing my laundry. When I asked, the nurse told me that my guardian had arranged twice-monthly laundry services once she'd heard that I was insistent on being dressed in clothes, not hospital gowns. I smiled; I hadn't liked the woman, but she at least took her job seriously. I went back to my room, laid down fully dressed, and fell asleep.

I dreamt about death and destruction, about dragons and demons, but most of all I had nightmares about the look of disgust Alistair had given me when I tried to touch him. I was shaken awake by another nurse; apparently I'd been crying, noisily, in my sleep. It was late - I'd apparently slept away most of a day - and I knew I wouldn't fall back asleep after those nightmares. I rubbed at my eyes, gritty from too much crying, and then sighed. The nurse asked if I wanted to talk about it, and I declined again. Just what I need - spill my guts to a nurse about Thedas, and next time wake up in the psych ward.

I asked if there was somewhere I could go and just sit, somewhere private; she told me about a solarium at the end of the hall that was likely empty at that time of night. It turned out to indeed be empty, and actually had a fairly nice view of downtown. I looked up, and it was strange; I had grown up in the city, rarely seeing more than a handful of stars, but even though the constellations were different, I missed starlight. I missed lying around a campfire with my brother, cuddling with the man I loved, watching the skies.

I shook myself and looked away; it was unlikely I'd be cuddling with anyone any time soon. Especially not the man I loved. And I did still love him; it was too soon for my feelings to have changed, but the more I thought about it the more I was convinced that he had never really known me. He loved the idea of me, but had he actually loved me he would never have believed I was capable of the kind of cold-hearted manipulation he'd accused me of. I wondered if he'd told the group what had happened, or if Morrigan had; I may have loved him still, but I had to admit to a certain degree of satisfaction at the thought of my brother punching him in the nose.

I sat on a faded green vinyl couch and brooded. I wondered how Alistair and I would be able to move forward. He was a Grey Warden, so he couldn't very well leave, and it seemed I was going to be dragged back to the group again and again, so I couldn't escape either. Although I hadn't been back on Earth this often in months; I hoped it didn't indicate that I was stuck here. As angry as I was, as hurt as I was, I wanted to be back with my brother and my friends. I needed them to get me through this.

I cried a few more tears, and finally fell asleep on the ugly industrial couch. I woke in the same place a few hours later with a terrible headache and a sore back, and I limped to my room in agony. The nurse from the previous day saw me, and followed me into my room.

"Are you alright?"

I winced as I sat down on the bed. "Headache."

"Want something? I can ask the doctor to let me give you some advil."

"That would be amazing." I was annoyed at the absence of health poultices and healing magic. For such a technologically advanced world, the Earth didn't hold a candle to Thedas for taking care of someone's health. Assuming you knew people who knew how to make poultices, of course.

She bustled back in a few minutes later with two advil and a glass of water; I tossed back the pills with a few swallows of water and laid back to await relief. She told me the doctor would be in soon.

She was right, and half an hour later, headache-free but still red-eyed, I sat up as he walked in.

"I haven't seen you awake this often in ages."

"I was thinking the same thing. It would seem...emotional upset triggers me to come back."

"Oh?" His expression was kind; he'd not locked me up yet. I took a deep breath.

"Yeah, well, my dream-boyfriend just dumped me, so..."

"Oh, Sierra, I'm sorry."

"Me too."

"Does that mean I should expect you back here more often?"

"Maker, I hope not!" I noticed his puzzled expression and thought about what I'd said. "Ha. I finally start using local jargon just in time for it to be out of place again."

"You don't want to be back here?" He still seemed confused that I preferred my 'dream' world.

I couldn't really explain it any better than I already had. "I think my life is there now. I have a brother, friends, a purpose. Boyfriend or not, it's still better than being here."

He shook his head. "I can't say I understand even in the slightest, but I suppose if it makes you happy..."

"Thanks, doc."

"I'll check in on you tomorrow, if you're still here with us."

"Sounds like a plan."

The next two days were possibly the most boring days of my life. Other than mourning my lost relationship, I had nothing to do. I didn't even have my phone to listen to music; apparently it stayed in Thedas with Leli. I wondered if she'd figured out how to charge it yet. I bought another device charger - the gift store had restocked, but only had one - just in case. I asked about ordering a solar-powered charger, and they said they'd look into it. I cried a lot, but without anyone to talk to about it, I didn't make any headway dealing with my grief. I tried reading, but the books at the hospital just didn't have the same appeal as living my own crazy adventure. I thought about booting up the game, but I couldn't bring myself to see even a digital rendering of Alistair. I watched television in the waiting room, but it was just irritating. I finally settled for walking the halls, hoping at least to keep up my stamina. I knew a few days of inactivity would make it harder when I returned.

I had just started to despair that I wouldn't ever be able to return, when I got dizzy. I snagged a passing nurse, blurting out my hospital room number, before sinking down and passing out.