There and Back Again Ch. 055-056

"Everyone took turns shouting at him and telling him what an idiot he was. How obviously if you'd been after something, you could have gotten it from Cailan. That you saved his life, and tried to stay away from him. He was still angry at first, trying to defend himself. We gave him a chance, and when he heard himself trying to explain it, I think he figured out how stupid it was. Sten even challenged him to a duel, told him he was a coward and not worth associating with. Honestly, no one has spoken to him since. I figured if I said anything, I'd kill him."

I sighed. "He hurt me. Badly. I never dreamed he could think that of me. Not after everything." I had never gotten over the disbelief that Alistair would leave the PC if she recruited Loghain. I guess I hadn't wanted to believe it, really. "You should have seen the look he gave me when he walked away; like I was some disgusting piece of filth. I don't think I'll ever get rid of that image. And then when I saw he'd made himself a little one-person tent...it's stupid, because I don't know where I thought I would be sleeping after a fight like that, but the blatant message that I wasn't wanted, that I didn't belong..." I blinked away some tears. "I've had a lot of bad things happen, in my life, but I'd never felt like that before. I'd never really hoped, before, I guess."

I took a deep breath. "I won't say I'm not heartbroken, and disappointed, and angry. I want to punch him, and I just might, later. I don't know if I'll ever forgive him. I felt sort of dirty, after what he said. Violated. But Aedan, he's your best friend, and your partner. You need him, and we all need to work with him. I can't say I won't be avoiding him, but you can't. You need to put it behind you."

"You're...amazingly rational about all this."

"I've had a week to cry and gnash my teeth and rip out my hair. Not that I won't end up crying again later, but it's pretty clear to me I have to somehow pretend it didn't happen. That none of it happened. He clearly didn't love me, anyway. I need to get over it."

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, can you think of anything, any evidence that would convince you that I am capable of that sort of cold-hearted manipulation?"

He thought about it, slowly shaking his head.

"Exactly. But he did. If he loved me, shouldn't he know I neither could, nor would do that? I'm not even a good enough actress to pull it off. There's a song about that on my phone, somewhere -- 'If you don't know me by now, you will never never never know me...' I think he loved the idea of me, of someone who loved him back. But it feels like it wasn't about me, in particular. And what pisses me off most is that I still love him, anyway. He's a good man, when he's not being insecure and stupid. It would have been so easy to just accept his apology...but I can't live like that, knowing he thought it was possible that I'm that sort of monster."

"I'm sorry, Sierra. I truly am. I wish he'd never had the chance to hurt you. When you cry, it makes me want to murder him. For what it's worth, I don't agree. I do think he loves you. I think he's phenomenally stupid, and I don't blame you for not wanting to stay with him, but he loves you. I'm sure of it."

"It doesn't matter. It's better this way."

"It is?"

"This was never going to work out. I knew it before, and I tried to ignore it for a while. But he's the heir to the throne. He needs to marry a noblewoman and have babies. Carry on the Theirin line. I'd only be in the way, and we'd both be heartbroken later. A clean break is better." The tears threatened to spill again, and I wiped them away. "This is better."

His expression said he wasn't so sure, but I knew.