There and Back Again Ch. 059-060

I was confused. It must have been obvious by my expression.

"Sierra, you're the bubbly positive one. You and Alistair always kept everyone laughing. Like this...well, you're not exactly bubbly right now. It rubs off on the rest of us."

I looked down, feeling guilty. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your job to always be that person, Sierra. We will adjust. Stop blaming yourself."

After that I paid attention more, noting how everyone kept accidentally talking about things and interrupting themselves if they bordered on anything related to Alistair and me. I sighed, unsure how to fix it. I just couldn't be that happy, carefree person I had been. Alistair, on the other hand, was leading the group alone, staying ahead of everyone, never looking back. His shoulders were stiff, his posture defeated. Tears threatened to spill again, unexpectedly, and I couldn't be sure if they were due to grief or guilt. I wiped them away, and turned away to walk alone again for a while.

I tried, later, to drag Aedan into a discussion about my training with Tomas, but he just refused to talk about it. Frustrated, I let it go.

Chapter Sixty: Surprises

We finally stopped for supper, and I immediately claimed Tomas for more sparring. This time, Aedan watched from the sideline, mouth closed in a thin line, expression disapproving, but at least he didn't try to stop us. After a few minutes Zevran and Alistair joined him, but they instead tried to be helpful, shouting out instructions and suggestions. When I had a hard time understanding what they were trying to say, Zev would demonstrate with his daggers against Alistair with a shield. I was still embarrassed to be beaten that badly by Tomas when he wasn't even using a sword, but I was getting better at dodging the shield bashes. I wasn't quite as bruised, when we finished, though I still couldn't deny the relief I felt when Wynne healed me.

When I looked around at supper, I noted that my tent had again been set up for me, still with that forward cant that indicated the identity of my benefactor. I sighed. I knew I should have confronted him, but I just didn't want to talk about it. I finished supper, excused myself, and crawled into my tent early, heart aching.

I found my bedroll set out, my things carefully tucked into my pack, Alistair's cloak rolled up to make a pillow. On top of my bedroll was a sheet of parchment, loosely rolled, and my phone.

I put my phone aside, and decided to change before looking at the parchment. Once in a loose fitting tunic and pants, I crawled into my bedroll. It was dark - we had stolen a couple of the arcane lamps from Soldier's Peak, but not enough for everyone to have one in their tent. I rolled to the side, hoping the firelight would be enough to read by, but finally ended up using the light from my phone.

Sierra,

I know that nothing I say can ever express how sorry I am, for everything. I'm an idiot, and I've always known that, but I never thought even I would be stupid enough to hurt you like that. I understand if you can't forgive me, but I have to try. Because as much as you might not want me to be, anymore, I am yours even if you won't be mine. You said you hoped that when I met someone else she'd have better luck, but the fact is that I won't meet anyone else. I don't want to.

I want you to be happy, whatever it takes. I would like to be the one who can help you with that, but I will understand if you find someone else. I will still be here, helping in any way I can, even if that's just setting up your tent or carrying your pack, hoping to prove myself eventually.

I will say that if you do find someone else, I hope it won't be my brother. I cannot stand to think of the way he would treat you, and I'd be forced to kill him if he betrayed you.

Anyway, when Leliana was listening to music earlier, I heard a song on that little machine of yours that seemed appropriate. It's all ready to go.

I love you, always.

Forever yours,

Alistair

I wiped away the tears that fell while I read, a couple of them splashing onto the parchment. I read it several times, before finally turning my attention to the phone. When I turned it on, I just hit play without looking at what he'd chosen. A voice came blaring out of the speakers, and I rushed to turn down the volume so no one would hear what I was listening to. I realised after a few seconds that the song was "I'm Sorry" by Breeze-E, something that an online acquaintance had sent to me after discovering it on Youtube.

Memories I just can't erase, I'll do anything to see your face
What if I said that I believed in you and me
A part of me that I just can't replace, I'm lost and I was gone without a trace
I just find it hard to breathe without you near
...

After listening to the rest of the heart wrenching lyrics, I turned the music off and collapsed on my bedroll, bawling my eyes out. He still thought he loved me, but I didn't really believe him; still, just the thought of it broke my heart all over again.

I slept poorly, crying on and off as I tried to doze. When I finally gave up on sleep, it was dawn, and weak light was filtering in through the canvas. I changed into my armour and crawled out of my tent.

Tomas was up, adding wood to the fire so he could start breakfast; I settled down beside him, and he smiled sadly at me.

"You alright?"

"No, but I will be. Eventually."

"Of that, I never had any doubt."

I grinned, and helped put the porridge on the fire. The smoke was rather thick, as all the wood was damp; I guessed it had rained at some point in the night while I fitfully slept.

"Did you get some sleep, Tomas?"

"I did. Alistair was on first watch. I took Aedan's as well as mine. I think he could benefit from some time and rest."

"It's going to be weird when we can all use your real name again. I'm more used to you as Tomas than...you know."

He smiled. "You think it will be strange for you - I almost don't remember my real name."

"Tomas...I want to start helping with watch. My stamina is better now, I should be able to help out."

He examined me for a few moments, and finally nodded. "Once we've established that you can sense darkspawn, I agree. Can you wait until we know for sure? I don't want us surprised if it turns out you can't."

"How long does that usually take?"

"A few days after the Joining to sense them at all, but years to get good at it. The biggest thing is to find some darkspawn for you to sense. There haven't been any up in these parts yet."

"Shouldn't I be able to sense you?" I concentrated, on what I wasn't sure, but I could feel nothing unusual.

"Not yet. The taint isn't as strong in a Warden as in a darkspawn. That will come with time."

I agreed to wait. Once the breakfast was made, I gobbled down a bowl, cleaned it out, then wandered out of camp to do my business out of sight of any of my companions. After that, I packed up my tent, and was waiting when everyone else was ready. I decided to take the lead, for once, and gathering my stuff, I took off at a brisk walk heading to the south-west, as per my compass. Tomas and Aedan always seemed to just know what direction we were heading, but I was loving the little magnetic pocket compass.

I hadn't gotten very far when Alistair caught up to me, snagging one of the packs I carried and slinging it onto his own shoulder. He didn't even speak; he just dropped back, obviously allowing my avoidance, and I let him go. At least he'd left me with one bag to carry. I balanced it across both shoulders and carried on.

I gave the phone to Leli when she asked; it was still almost fully charged, and we hadn't touched the new charger I'd brought with me the last time. She gave me a soft smile when she saw what song had been playing, and I wondered if she knew that Alistair had left it for me. She walked with me for a while, discussing my music preferences; I had everything from country music to rap to classical to Broadway show tunes. A lot of my music was pop from the 80s and 90s; when I first began collecting music, before MP3 players came out, I could only afford second-hand CDs. I developed a taste for retro music that never left. Even the recent music that I liked was often stylistically more 'retro'.

She was shocked that I knew so many songs. In Thedas, I learned, most people knew a handful of folk songs unless they were actual musicians. But having free radio, back on Earth, I knew the words and the tune to hundreds of songs, even if I couldn't exactly perform them with any skill. Leli started testing me, and no matter what song she chose off my phone, I could at least sing a little. She shook her head, amazed.

The rest of the day was the usual; walking, and more walking. A few of my companions walked with me for a while, and while I was appreciative of their company, I wasn't, as Aedan put it, bubbly. It seemed to make everyone uncomfortable; no one knew what to say. So after a while, each would drop back again, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I could feel Alistair staring at my back, and that made me uncomfortable. Without talking to him, however, I couldn't tell him to stop, so I put up with it. I knew eventually I was going to have to end my childish avoidance, but I wasn't ready. Between my residual anger, my heartache, my loneliness, and the confusion from my accidental eavesdropping and his letter, I just wasn't ready to talk to him. About anything.

After sparring with Tomas again, I curled up next to Aedan by the fire. I didn't need healing this time; I'd gotten better at avoiding Tomas' shield, though I'd still failed to land a hit. Aedan put his arm around me, and I felt better than I had in a while. I'd been afraid he would be angry with me for doing what he didn't want me to - sparring, putting myself in harm's way even though he knew Tomas wouldn't really hurt me. I enjoyed the contact, and when dinner was served, and he took his arm back, I kissed his cheek. He grinned at me in return.

After supper, I wandered out of the camp for a little while, not wanting everyone to feel awkward with me sitting there quietly. I found a little clearing with a view of the sunset, and leaned against a tree trunk to watch. I stiffened when I heard the rustle of someone approaching, but relaxed when I saw it was just Wynne. She stopped beside me and watched the sunset silently for a few moments, then settled down in the long grass expectantly.

I sighed and slid down the tree trunk to sit facing her. "I suppose this is where you tell me it's a good thing that we're not together anymore."

She examined my face briefly, before answering calmly. "No, it isn't, child. Quite the opposite, in fact. I admit I was nervous, at first, about Aedan's relationship and yours with Alistair, but I also admit that you were right. I changed my mind. You and Alistair are good for each other. You helped him be confident, trust himself and his abilities, and try to make his own decisions. He helped you open up, and relax, and find some self-worth. I'm very sorry that you are both so unhappy. He made a mistake, one he regrets, and he is paying for it. I hope that one day you can forgive him for that. It would be a shame for you two to be apart forever because of a stupid lapse in judgement and self-confidence."

I was shocked - so far Wynne was the only one who was hoping for us to get back together, and she was the one I figured would be the most pleased about the split. My expression must have been disbelieving, because she chuckled.

"I'm not so old that I cannot admit my mistakes, but I am old enough to be a bit sentimental. Besides, if even your Commander approves of his Wardens having relationships, how could I not?"

"Thanks Wynne. I don't...I'm not sure what will happen. He says he wants to be with me. He's apologised. I just don't know if I can forgive him. I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at him and not see that expression of disgust on his face. He truly believed, even if only for a day, that I could betray him, that I might be using him for personal gain. I don't know how to get past that."

"Perhaps, dear, you could start by taking him off the pedestal you've had him on since you arrived? You loved him as a character in a performance. He isn't that character. He's a real person, with talents and flaws all mixed together. People make mistakes. Characters don't. Perhaps you need to start thinking of him as human, not some infallible creation, and it will all come together for you."

She patted my shoulder, rose gracefully, and left me to think.

When I stumbled back into camp an hour later, I found Alistair leaning against a tree near where I'd been sitting. He had respected my privacy, but remained close enough to hear if I needed anything. He didn't look up at me as I walked by, just let me pass and then headed into his own tent. Which, I noticed, was a distance away from everyone else's, but close enough to mine that he'd be able to hear me in the night. When I thought about it, I realised it had been that way the last few nights. Which means he's been hearing me cry myself to sleep. Marvellous.

I bid Aedan, who was on watch, a goodnight, and crawled into my own tent. I managed to keep from crying, though Wynne's words were ringing through my head as I tried to sleep. He's only human. But he was supposed to trust me. I fell asleep, fully dressed, still confused.

I woke with a scream from a dream of darkspawn and death, only to hear shouting and the clanging of metal; I realised this must have been the shriek ambush I'd expected earlier. I grabbed my daggers and crawled out of my tent. In the dim light of the pre-dawn morning, I could see dark figures weaving through the camp. Alistair was holding off several with his shield, and Aedan and Tomas fought back-to-back; everyone else seemed only to be a target if they got in the way between darkspawn and Warden. And the 'spawn were completely ignoring me.

I took advantage of their lack of awareness, and sank my daggers into the flank of a shriek that was heading towards Leli, the arrows protruding from it making it obvious how the bard had gotten its attention. I pushed the corpse off my blades and turned towards the next one, which was trying to cut Alistair down with its wicked claws. It also did not see me coming, and I got the chance to backstab it and its friend, distracting them enough that Alistair decapitated one and cut deeply into the neck of the other. He nodded to me briefly, then swung around to parry another shriek's claws.

By that time, the fight was winding down; I helped Tomas cut down two more, a shriek and a genlock, when I realised that I could feel something coming. It was similar to the sensation when you could tell someone was watching you, but creepier. And while the shrieks and genlocks had all had a little bit of it, this sensation was bigger. I only knew of one thing that would fit the description; one glance at Tomas' wide-eyed expression, and I knew I was right.

"Ogre!" I screamed. I didn't get a chance to do much else, as Tomas shoved me aside, hard, and then turned to face the monster as it lumbered into the camp. I landed in Zev's arms in a pile, and the assassin held me down. Alistair stepped up beside Tomas, and as I watched, Aedan disappeared into the shadows. Before I even had a chance to stand, our mages had slowed the ogre down, Leliana had put an arrow in its eye, Alistair had held his shield up through an assault that I thought would have left a crater in the ground, and then Tomas and my brother were swarming it, strategically cutting tendons and bleeding it with slices into major arteries. It was a war of attrition, but it was obviously one the wardens were going to win. Everyone else stayed back, trying to avoid the arterial spray spreading in a wide circle around the beast. Finally, with one last roar, the ogre sank to the ground and didn't move again.

It was suddenly deathly quiet, everyone listening frantically to determine if there were further ambushers; everyone except me and the other Wardens, that was. I could clearly feel no further taint nearby, so presumably the others felt the same; when I looked, Tomas was wiping black ichor off his sword, and Alistair had already begun piling bodies near the ogre. Aedan came over and hugged me, smiling gratefully at Zev as he handed me off. I was briefly irritated - I knew damn well I wasn't capable of fighting an ogre, I wouldn't have jumped into that fray, and it bothered me that everyone assumed I needed someone to hold me back. I scowled at Aedan, and he flushed slightly, obviously aware of how condescending he was being.

Tomas stayed out of it, though I sent him a nasty glare for pushing me down; Alistair, on the other hand, looked at the corpses I'd helped him create, murmured "Nice job!" under his breath, and otherwise left me alone. I was confused and impressed and just slightly sad all at once, and I had no idea what to do with that insane swirl of emotion, so I suppressed it ruthlessly.

We all packed up our camp, as no one wanting to stay near the site of the ambush to try and sleep more; Morrigan fired the pile of darkspawn, and we were on our way.

As we walked in the dim light, we all discussed the ambush.

"Did...did you have a nightmare too?" Alistair asked. Aedan nodded, as did I. I was unsurprised to learn that Tomas hadn't been sleeping - I doubted he'd closed his eyes since we'd left Soldier's Peak.

"Was the Archdemon...looking at us?" Aedan sounded freaked, and I couldn't blame him.

"Yes. At least, the performance implied as much, and it sure as hell felt like that." I tried to make it sound normal; I failed, I was fairly sure.

"Sierra, I thought that we were going to be ambushed by shrieks. Not ogres and genlocks as well." Tomas sounded irritated, like I'd kept the information to myself for some reason.

"Hey, don't look at me. In the performance, it was only shrieks."

"Maker, how did an ogre even get here fast enough to ambush us like that?" Aedan was a little more matter-of-fact about the little details than the big picture. I could understand that. The big picture is bloody frightening.

Alistair replied wryly, "I'm just going to assume the ogre happened to be nearby, and so the Archdemon took advantage of that. Otherwise, I'm never going to sleep again. Like, ever."

I couldn't have agreed more. A hysterical giggle escaped me without my permission, and Alistair smirked at me briefly, before dropping back to walk beside Gorim. Tomas looked from him to me, frowning slightly. I just shrugged and avoided eye contact.

It was a long day of walking after such an early start; Tomas figured we were probably a little more than two days from the docks for the Circle Tower. We skipped sparring for an evening, everyone tired from the ambush and early start. I put up my own tent, feeling ridiculous and somehow defiant, especially ridiculous when it sagged a bit. I negotiated with Tomas about sitting watch - clearly, I could sense darkspawn - and he gave me the last one of the night.

Something had been bothering me for a few days about going back to the Tower, and I finally decided I needed to know.

While we were sitting eating dinner, I asked, "Wynne?"

"Yes, dear?"

"Look I know you're not going to be happy, but...do you know where Anders is, right now?"

She gave me a sharp look by firelight. "How do you know Anders?"

"Same way I knew Solona. Though I probably know Anders better. He is in the performance, of course."

"Why do you want to know?"

I sighed. "Look, is he in the Tower, or not?"