All Comments on 'Third Date'

Like it? Hate it? I'm trying to improve, so any comments appreciated.

You get automatic points for the Supernatural shout out and the fact that Mr. Ackles totally melts my butter, too. (Of course, while I am already drooling, I will say Mr. Padalecki is no slouch either.)

The technical and style aspects of your writing are very strong. His POV was the best choice for this story. Having his thoughts made it much more than a straight telling of the action could have done. You gave us an understanding that these two had some knowledge of each other from their net contact. That was important. I still worry about all this anger, young Jedi..... . It was at least less intense and mostly harnessed. That made for a more enjoyable tale without neutering you.

Where can one order a tent line that? I know the poles in mine couldn't do that.:)

Because I usually end up mentally in stories...my squicks ( and I know they are mine and not everyone's). Any kind of impeding of breathing and use of blades-can't even call those play. And as an extra issue, I would so loose that loving feeling if you cut up my bra. I can't buy Walmart cheapies. They have structural engineering and cost real money. I was in pain during that! Seriously, it is helpful to add author notes at the start about significant themes or actions which may bother folks. Tags at the end are too late for most readers. If you can give readers a "here be dragons" warning without spoiling some great plot device, it is appreciated by many of us.

This was very much more enjoyable to me. Acknowledging my issues are my own, I give this one 5*.

I was working on this...and its all about Jared Padalecki's body esp after returning from hell w/o his soul in the push up scene just b/4 his hooker from the bar leave the hotel room, holy shit!

Ok so I think after reading both stories that I am starting to understand your style. You are a dark angry guy, but for a lot of men sex needs to be raw. There was many and I mean many sentences and words that would have been removed or re-worked w/an editor. There are many here available to you. Your have writing skills. You need polish and to consider the reader, that well, just might not get it, if you know what I mean. The idea that you can lead a horse to water but can not make it drink.

They met on line, there is a lot of fear connected with those hook ups. That said one might consider that these people did speak about it but at the tent scene it almost became a noncon/relt piece instead of BDSM. A gentle comment that she wanted to be taken or she said she wanted to be taken would have been enough. And with all the fluffy you gave in the beginning why did you not say anything about her being with someone else or someone hurting her? There was all this raw emotions and heavy thought provoking words and no way for the reader to "unload" them in their minds, as you pounded away your feelings.

Oh and what FA_JF said about the bra thing. This shit is expensive and depending on your size extremely hard to find even at specialty shops, ie that does not mean Vic's Secret, no size selection for large breast there. There's a reason you get tied up after you strip.

I'll try to point out what I meant on your sentence structure in an email to you via your contact info w/in the next 48hrs. I do want more from you. You are just tipping the scale of blood/knife play and though there is an audience for that I personally believe that you will not get many comments for it and when you do it will either be really negative or all for it, saying 'yea cut the bitch' type stuff = too far. And if every story is similar to each other than you will have strong devoted fans but only a small few.

Thanks for commenting! Redyellowgo I'd be really interested in your sentence structure comments and how to let the reader unload. I did contact one editor, but I'm not really sure how long I should wait to contact another or if it's ok to just spam a couple. Also I wish that there was a "Last active" date for the editors.

FA_JF - it's a magic tent :D I'll try to work on indicating which dragons are present. I didn't realize the tags were at the end. Sorry about the bra :D. I never even thought about them much until I saw /r/bigboobproblems.

As you well know I am a big fan of your writings! :)