Track 001

It was beautiful though. Namir and I made love. Neither one of us seemed to know what we were doing. His hands shook as he pulled off my uniform and mine felt clumsy and numb as I peeled back the cloth. He had something with him that made for a good lubricant. I didn't ask what it was and I didn't want to know, all that mattered was we were together.

I felt his fingers touch my ass hole. That is such an ugly word, but I don't know what else to call it. Butt hole just seems stupid and ass hole seems dirty. It wasn't dirty it was beautiful.

They touched me, slowly sliding in and out. I never thought something could feel so good but it did. I never thought of putting things in there, but he is a doctor so I trusted he knew how this was supposed to work.

He told me he was trying to make me relax. He didn't want to hurt me. I relaxed and told him I loved him and he couldn't hurt me if he tried. He said he loved me too and then made a liar out of me. His cock sliding in felt like there was a huge pressure inside of me. I felt my muscles spasm and unlike the macho soldier I am I whimpered. Namir stopped and told me he could pull out but it would have to be slow.

I told him I wanted him to stay, I wanted to feel this. We just lay there, sweating and panting for what seemed like days. Eventually the pain dulled and he moved. The sensation of him moving in and out was so incredible. Then he hit something inside of me and I moaned. I felt his lips on my neck and we moved painfully slow. He rocked me in his embrace kissing me and panting in my ear.

I felt him paint my insides with love and I came long and hard with him. He stayed inside of me, slowly growing soft until he slipped out. I had to go to the bathroom after and I clenched and just kissed him over and over until I couldn't stay any longer.

Day 51

Every time I see Namir now I just shiver. He touches me over and over again in my dreams. He talks to me at night. I just walk and let his voice envelope me, bundle me in his perfect growling timber.

Namir tells me how soft my skin feels under his hands. He goes over my cock with long slow strokes and talks me to orgasm. I'm falling in love with him. I told him so, and he told me he loves me too.

I noticed the sky is pretty here. Namir had me look up once the smoke cleared. There are stars up there, big beautiful stars. I know I keep writing beautiful but there is no other word for how breathtaking they are. Little white diamonds against the inky black abyss. The silver lining of a cloud has nothing on the contrast between a star and the night sky.

Day 53

I didn't know Easter was coming up soon. It worries me, hell it worries everyone. Would you go to a church that had either been blown up or threatened to be blown up. What if your faith was all you had? I don't know what I would do, but I am here. I never understood religion, but I know I believe there is a God. He gave me the gift of Namir.

Namir's father said he wouldn't ask people to come. He didn't want to be the reason they were targeted. So he said the church would hold an Easter celebration but people didn't have to come. Namir told me he is Catholic and some very important people in the church were recently shot by the terrorist people.

I curse the Muslims and I think that was the first time I ever saw him get upset. He informed me that the Muslim community reached out to their town. They promised to protect the Christians and even guarded abandoned Christian homes from being looted.

I didn't know ... there are good people of every faith and every nationality. Just like there is evil in every faith and nationality. I can't believe how badly I thought about Iraq in general. He put me in my place.

Day 58

THEY CAME! Everyone came. There were Muslims, Christians and just everybody came. I don't know what encouraged them all to come but they did. There was not even standing room in the church. The military was there as well, for protection of the people but still even in this heat I got chills.

No one was afraid, they just showed their support and sat and listened. It was beautiful. I finally know why we are in Iraq. It is for this; these people. Maybe we are actually doing some good here. Although I don't think it says anything in the training packets about moments like these.

Day 60

I went back over the "don't ask don't tell" part of my contract with Darrel today. I was just wondering what would happen if someone were to find out. I didn't find anything good. I am the low man in the army and it would take maybe five days to get me out of here. Darrel told me the first man to be injured in Iraq was gay. I don't know if I believe him.

I should have read over this part before I enlisted. I just didn't know I was gay. It's not like I get it up when I shower with other men. I don't drool over them and I sure as hell aren't a sissy. I just never thought about sex. I wasn't interested in women so what else was there? I guess I know now, there is Namir. It is strange to think I volunteered for this, and now I'd have to hide and pretend. That was pretty much all I found out.

Namir and I needed to be careful. I love him. After my tour is over we talked about starting a life together. He wants to stay in Iraq, but I think we should move somewhere a little more safe. Unless we want to die a secret. I don't want to keep myself hidden. No one should have to hide in this day and age. Not in my country. Is it really still considered mine?

Day 63

Someone heard. I don't know what else to write because I feel like my world has just fallen apart. Someone overheard me and Darrel talking. They heard me mention Namir. All it takes is a whisper. I can't leave him here, and I can't risk seeing him. I love him, I am putting my life on the line for my country and I am going to be humiliated over something as beautiful and pure as love.

Day 68

I'm on a plane home. I've stopped in a couple of locations and now I just hear people complaining. Complaining about the delay or that their bags are heavy. They complain because the chairs are uncomfortable and because we are all so close together. It isn't as bad as carrying around all of my gear, or sitting in a field in the blistering sun waiting to be picked up.

I won't complain for material things. I complain because I was fired from an undesirable job, that I was being paid pitifully to volunteer to do. I could have died out there but instead I found love. I shouldn't complain. Love is more important than the other things. I was lucky and I should be grateful for what time I was given.

I don't know what happened to my love Namir. I felt like I was being ripped from his arms. I didn't even get the chance to say good bye to him. I wonder what he thinks of me. Does he know what happened? Will he assume I was killed in the line of duty? Namir is a smart man, I am sure he will figure it out. I will find out how to get a hold of him and everything will be ok. It has to be.

Day 80

I should write about it. I really should. Writing helped me so much in Iraq. I just can't I haven't stopped crying.

Men shouldn't cry, but I do.

I'm gay.

I'm not a man.

I cry

All the time.

Day 85

I feel cold. I couldn't write for the longest time. I'm in America now; it took less than 5 days to send me home. The day before I left the terrorists came for Namir. Darrel wrote to tell me what happened. I can't believe he is gone. I wasn't there for him, to protect him and keep him safe. I wasn't there for his people to make sure they were allowed to live. They were all such good people and were targeted merely because of what they felt in their hearts.

The terrorist came, pulled him off the street and nobody even tried to stop it. They kidnapped him; tied him up and drove him to another town. His beautiful arms strapped behind his back. Namir was so strong; I can't even picture him being helpless like that. He was with 12 other men lying on the ground. Four men just open fired with machine guns. Bullets pelted them, not caring if they killed them. They just shot over and over again along the line. Leaving some writhing in their grave.

The video is online. It sickens me to know I can watch my loved one die over and over again. All I have to do is wait for the buffering ring to go away. I see comments where some people find it entertaining. They laugh about how those 'animals' kill each other. Some see a crime against humanity. I see Namir, in his final hours. I see the man I love showered with bullets and thrown out like he is trash. If no one had found his body Namir would still be considered alive. We were the lucky ones. Darrel told me some of their bodies and faces were so badly blown apart that you couldn't tell who was who.

I hope he didn't suffer. I pray Namir was one of the ones who died from the first shot. I know some of the shots were in his leg or the arm. They writhe on the ground in their pain and suffering. I hope that isn't him. I don't wish that on anyone but I can't keep myself together knowing that one of the ones moving is him.

Day 105

I don't want to live anymore, not while I know he is gone. I have blood on my hands. I keep listening to the tick of this revolver as I play a game of chance with myself. Every time I squeeze and hear that tick and I know I have to play again.

Now that I am home, I know Jimmy is gone. I have to deal with it everyday. Namir is gone and that thought destroys me. I am that guy who was tied to the mountain and everyday the vultures picked out his insides. He would heal during the night and have to do it all over again.

I didn't heal, I just get more picked apart each time. There isn't much left of me. I am haunted by the people I had to kill. I can't look at anything without wondering where the bomb is that will finally put me out of my misery.

Nothing helps, not even alcohol. I drink all the time now. I know it upsets my family, but I just can't stop. I feel like I am a ghost and all I want to do is head towards the light at the end of this barrel.

The jack is almost gone now, and I keep singing to myself. Just waiting; I have to win eventually.

I'd thank my lucky stars to be living here today,

'Cause the flag still stands for freedom

And they can't take that away.

I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free,

And I won't forget the men who died who gave that right to me,

And I gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today,

'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land God Bless the U.S.A.

~*~*~*~

Christian killed himself, though truth be told he was dead long before the bullet entered his skull.

His funeral was small, just family. The Westboro Baptist Church was there; they booed my brother calling him a fag and a fag enabler. Their signs screamed of how much he is hated at home, how much God hates him. He died for their right to say these things at home, and the only thing the news reported was the protest. My brother was a beautiful man inside and out and I will never forget him.

People remember that he was discharged. I'm watching fat old politicians argue on TV. They live the life of ease, you can tell by their girth. They also were given the chance to live, you can tell by their grey hair.

They say don't ask don't tell should be reinstated. Sex shouldn't be part of the military. Heterosexual or homosexual sex shouldn't be talked about. The crowd boos a gay soldier asking them a question. A man defending our country, saving lives in places where other Americans dare not even look at on a map.

Sex, shouldn't be part of the military. Why then are soldiers allowed to call home. A heterosexual soldier may talk to his children. How did the children get here if not for sex? We wouldn't dream of firing a soldier because it was confirmed he was a heterosexual. However if a man wants to call home to talk to his partner he can be fired. All he wanted to do was tell his loved one he loved them; because in war tomorrow might be too late.

((Thank you for reading I know this wasn't easy to get through. Thank you to my editor. I don't expect her to catch all of my mistakes as my writing is rough and I am happy with the job she does. After all my grammar is terrible and she only has one set of eyes. Thank you to my friend Last who pushed me to submit this. I almost didn't/ If you guys are interested in more stories like this with a message please let me know. I know I will receive some not so nice comments for this so have at it (At least you read it and at least I sparked enough emotion in you to get you fired up). The story does not reflect any actual persons alive or dead. I have family from the middle east I have family in the military. I am not right or left wing. Boom is a song by the band System of a Down. It is in no way shape or form mine and was used only as a suggested song))