All Comments on 'Trained to FaceFuck'

First of all, the "you" format really loses me. I didn't do or say of those things and I don't have a hairy chest or a cock. Also, with this format we have no idea what the other person thinks or feels. It's just a list of what "you" did.

"You feel your pants start to tighten against your trousers." "... a lump slides down her narrow new .." "You sit on the bed and smiles as you enjoy her ass is in your face."

"Her perfect ass in those jeans in those tight jeans you love." Those sloppy errors render all that nonsensical.

There are so many mistakes in this I strongly suggest you either slow down and proofread more carefully or get an editor to help you.

Thank you for that feedback. It is definitely a tricky perspective to work in, but for some reason it feels most natural (despite the fact that I do not have a cock or a hairy chest). Perhaps I will write a parallel story from her perspective?

Again, I am a new writer and appreciate the comment.

Thanks,

Kim

Couldn't make it through to the end because of so many careless mistakes. More practice writing will help, as will rereading very slowly and correcting those errors before publishing. I suggest you take the time to fix the errors and resubmit the story.

The grammatical errors are minor. The use of the 2nd person is odd and takes a bit of getting used to but I think it really works - it frames the story from a POV angle, which for erotica is great. The style can always be improved but that's true of everyone. I think it's a great story - the right length, the right pace, the right balance between physical description and emotional/mental description, and it's super hot. I'm not a fan of stories that have the woman in tears but apart from that I loved it and would love to see more. Great stuff!

I enjoyed that.

-MasterKnell

Well, you certainly got me stiffening Kim! "Good girl."

I really enjoyed that and I'm looking forward to the next episode.

A really good sub should tell me how much she wants to suck my cock, how big and hard it is and how she really likes the taste of my cum on her tongue...

What I liked: Use of the present tense. I find it often works well in short stories, giving a feeling of immediacy. As has been mentioned, I also disliked the "you" perspective and find it very restricting. I think third or even first person works better. There's a program called Grammarly.com that can be very helpful in catching many different kinds of errors. It's helped me improve my writing so you might give it a look. Good luck in the future.