All Comments on 'Trista's Bedtime Snack'

So-so, nothing really special, well-written, for what it is, but nothing to set it apart from a million other "I fucked my virgin little sister when she came back from College looking hot" stories. Keep writing and develop your skills, but try and maybe follow a path less well-trodden if you want to keep writing; aping all the other mediocre writers here will just cast you in their mold and stifle any talent you have. Read some of the better witers here, like Chunks, Silkstockingslover, Texas Refugee, SusanJillParker, beachbum1958, and learn from them, they tend to have a different view and can usually be counted on to serve up something special.

She's hot & a virgin okay cool I can believe that. But never been kissed come on get real. So she never played spin the bottle or truth or dare as a kid. Probably never been to a party or on a date either. Lols a hot college freshman thats never been kissed is unbelievable srry.

... that some 'critics' blow a lot of their argument by not bothering to make sure that they commit no errors theirselves (@Anonymous 'meh'!).

And if you REALLY want to read a well written series try "Storm Damage" by 'm_storyman_x'!!

"... that some 'critics' blow a lot of their argument by not bothering to make sure that they commit no errors theirselves"

Theirselves? Ahhh ha ha ha ha!! Talk about a grammar challenged idiot.

Actually,if I followed this correctly, he didn't do his sister. He did Jen and came all over Tris's face. I'm assuming that's the "bedtime snack ".

The brother and sister really didn't do anything . So was it bro/sis sex or bro/girlfriend/sis sex?

Before you go correcting people, make sure it's an actual error

their·selves

T͟He(ə)rˈselvz/

pronoun

1. dialect form of themselves.

The argument about "theirselves" is bogus. It IS OK to use vernacular in dialog that is quoted. It is also OK to use the vernacular in the narrative as long as the narrative is in the first person, as if the narrator is telling the story first hand, just as he (of she) would as if speaking. Otherwise it is best to refrain from these unusual (but recognized) words.

As for the story, I could not suspend my disbelief when the virginal sister gets wound up in the kind of sexual experience for which she has no clue about what to do or even think about.

This is completely unrealistic and the title makes no sense. And it's not even really incest. However, you've set up the ground work for some hot bro/sis if you do a sequel. But leave Jen out of it. And to the anonymous idiots criticizing each other in the comments section; grow up. Comments are supposed to be feedback for the author to know what you think of their work, not a forum to try and prove who has a better grasp of the English language.

this is a cheap porno put into text form

you need to work on plot development, dont rush to start the sex

I really really liked it. Fuck these idiots who think the plot and layout was/is bad...

good premise,could of gone anyway between the sister and him

but then you fucked it up,

why the fuck you needed the girlfriend to get involved out of the blue is anyone's guess and quite frankly ruined what could & should of been a great story

Fairly well put together.

That being said, I have a few quibbles. Not big ones, mind, but a few.

I assume sister is discussing her desire to go out and possibly become GF to someone she met at college with her older brother because she trusts brother and wants an education. Why she is seeking sex ed from her brother? If she is shy, why is she now frankly talking to him about considering piercing her clitoris and her sexual preferences? Sister knows he has a girlfriend, yet is approaching him about this?

The confession to sister being aroused by her roommate was obviously useful for adding in the girlfriend to the story.

Without any introduction to the reader, and no reaction from the brother we have to assume brother and girlfriend are in ... what? An open relationship? He knows the girlfriend also likes girls? They have done three-ways before? They apparently know each other so well, because with barely a word the girlfriend begins seducing the sister for a three-way. But then while the girlfriend had two sexual partners, the brother and sister each had only one -- the girlfriend.

They went to the guest room where sister sleeps - this guest room bed is big enough for three? His bed I can believe, but a guest bed is usually a single or a twin.

Sister got to see how some of it was done, so that was believable. Is this enough of an experience for the sister - seeing her naked brother make love to his girlfriend and having him shoot sperm onto sister's face - so that sister's no longer afraid of making a blunder with the boy she likes? Or do we wonder, since the sister is sleeping in the same bed that sister is passively agreeing to more practice and lessons?

Brother seems to just want pussy, and is seriously entertaining the notion of doing his sister, even when he has a girlfriend. So what made him stop and go to sleep instead of crawling over the girlfriend and start in on his sister? (To be fair, an awful lot of stories ignore the fact that after your are in someone's ass, you don't put it in a pussy or someone else's ass without a cleanup first; it is seriously unsafe for your partner.)

This doesn't mean you need to change this story. There's just a lot we have to fill in for ourselves. Next story, add a little more motivation or explanation for what's happening. You have the story in your head, but your reader comes in fresh, without knowing who the characters are, what their backgrounds are, or why they do what they do. (Even with a series, you aren't always sure they've read previous chapters, so you have to do a little explanation.) In the meantime, keep on writing.

Whew, saved! ...I was getting to the end and I kept thinking 'please let there be a ch2, please let there be a ch2, please....' Hehehe ;)

I just got a new pair of shoes - cute loafer like dress shoes... the tag line is "shoes that make love to your feet"... ok, they are not that good, but pretty comfy

none the less... I wore them around the house, fine.

When I went to work today they started to make fart noises... just the left shoe and not every step... The shoes are leather and I do not wear stockings, nylons, socks or other similar items on my feet. It was not that hot today and the noise was most noticeable walking down the quiet hall in my office. Really, I can not walk around with my shoes making fart noises...