by Barry C
Your story had some real possibilities, but 1)you had grammatical mistakes; 2)your plotting was weak; and, 3)you didn't bring the story to a strong enough conclusion. Next time, write your story through a few times, edit it yourself, then submit it. You'll find you get more positive results and be encouraged to continue writing. Take this story and work out a few twists in it, then send it in again and see what happens.t
It is a good story the above comment was a bit harsh IMO.
Hope you stick with it you can only get better and the concept of the story is TOPS!
This was really badly written. You need a lot more practice with this. It wasn't at all erotic, and what little pleasure I might have gained from it was ruined because I was so distracted by bad writing and worse grammar. Sorry Barry, better luck next time.