True Lies - Redux Ch. 02

"OK, I don't have to tell you to tread carefully there. Let's go over some ground rules for "us" now. First, of all, we're partners in this but I'm senior partner right now - I've been involved in this project far longer and just know more about it than you do, for now. Don't take it personal. Secondly, we're not going to be able to safely meet in person very often. We CAN communicate securely using your agency phone - voice, messaging, and email. You know the protocols, right?"

"Of course, just need your contact info."

I had what looked like a standard android Samsung smart phone. But it really wasn't. The chipsets in our agency phones were actually manufactured in a Texas Instruments plant in Austin, TX. They were REAL expensive and only made under a Federal contract to NSA specs. It could do all the standard Samsung under Verizon or AT&T cellphone contract stuff but also had VERY secure and untraceable encrypted communications capabilities. Supposedly NSA itself couldn't listen in or break such communications. Well, hopefully no one else could - that was the real key.

"OK, there WILL be times we'll need a face-to-face - and for those times we'll implement Plan B. That's where we are headed right now - a cheap "No Tell Motel" where I've already got a room. Our basic cover story if we are ever noticed together is we are merely attempting a banal very discreet affair and even me as "the escort pro". We'll never use the same room twice nor even the same hotel in a row. Hopefully, we'll never even be noticed by anyone, anyway."

So she drove me there and we entered the room trying to portray just that certain guilty-sex demeanor. Rather than any guilty nervous spy demeanor.

As soon as we entered the room, she grabbed me and kissed me. And I mean REALLY kissed me just like that last desperate one so many years ago at the very end of our time together during basic training.

"Wow," she kind of sighed. "It's still there..."

Yeah, I felt the intensity as well but I was more than a tad confused.

"What was that? Just practice for our cover story?"

"No, silly. It's just what I've wanted to do and been thinking about ever since I learned I would actually be working with you. And I'd like to do more. Everything with you again, just like before. But only if you really want to..."

I still love my wife, I think. At a minimum I was pretty obsessed with her sexually and was emotionally bonded with her as my mate. And I was hurt and depressed that she had left me and for someone else. All the easily understood rational excuses didn't mean squat to that "feeling" side of my brain though. It hurt, mentally and physically. But I was also starting to get more than a tad horny, missing the constant married sex I was used to. And Jennifer was a beautiful and sexy woman. A woman I already "knew" and a woman I really liked and admired.

So, hell yes, I'd like to revisit that innocent passion of my youth. It was more than just recreational sex but it was also drama free and based on mutual liking and respect. Funny, but for us in that particular situation back then it also seemed pretty "games" free as well. No hidden itineraries, certainly from my side. If nothing else, I was pretty sure I could put Rachel out of my thoughts and get some relief by focusing on my new partner in crime totally for at least an hour. Maybe.

So I did what any real gentleman would, I did not disappoint my lady and her gentle needs request to be pleasured. And the next two hours were spent in mindless bliss for me, and judging on her sounds and responses, for Jennifer as well.

After a suitable time spent resting and recovering, it was back to business. I had to return to thinking about Rachel and Rachel with Grayson Peterson and NOT with me, but somehow it didn't hurt as bad, right now. We lay in each other's arms and Jennifer started the discussion.

"Poor, Rachel..." she murmured.

"Maybe it's 'poor me'," I responded. "Rachel is pretty damn hot in, as well as out of, bed herself."

"I choose you as the best, no matter. And I have quite a bit of experience in the matter..."

I looked down at her and she blushed a little. Surprising.

"OK. I admit I've had sex with a LOT more people than you have since our brief 3 weeks together back in 2006 - but I'll also guarantee I've had almost nil loving sex. I've had a couple of private boyfriends, but I pulled the plug on those relationships pretty quickly. I knew my "sluttiness" would eventually come out. It wasn't fair to them and I liked them enough to spare them that.

"So, you have had a LOT more loving sex than I have - with Rachel. And now you are in the same predicament I've been in. The question is, do you love Rachel enough to let her go?"

"Seems to me she's already left me - so how is it my decision?"

"Maybe. We'll see. We'll find out for sure one way or another. And pretty quickly. Time is a consideration in all this. Sweetie, no matter what happens I want you to know and remember that you are a lovely and lovable man, and that you are loved. I don't have the slightest doubt you did win Rachel's heart and that she did love you and still does. She may think she is "no longer in love with you" but my own woman's intuition would argue and bet otherwise. But unfortunately the stakes are now so high, it may not work out well for her, or even for you, personally.

"My goal, and your goal, HAS to be the safety of the American citizens and the preservation of the United States of America, in it's stated founding principles. It's not to "burn the bitch and burn the bastard". It's not your reconciliation with Rachel at any cost. It's to handle the immediate threat posed by a Nuclear armed Iran run by Islamic fanatic extremists. That threat MUST somehow be neutralized. Things might get much worse for you personally, emotionally, as this plays out. I have to know you can accept that and handle it.

"For example. I am doing my best to worm myself into Peterson's bed - and thereby gain some access to his most private secrets and find some way to blackmail him or otherwise leverage him against Iran. One way is just by being SO enthusiastic in my sexual relationship with my current boss "Randy" Randolph. I have rocked his world, no doubt about it. And I am hoping he'll brag to Grayson about it. Randy is such a suck-up sycophant I'm sure he'll offer to "share" me. But we know Grayson doesn't share - he just might take me away from Randy though. That's our hope, even more than the escort ploy. An escort encounter would most probably be a one-nighter or week-ender max. This way might last a little longer."

Jennifer glanced up at me and probably noticed my frown. Yeah, I was supposed to be just an objective pro in this whole spy game world, but I did not like the thought of Jennifer apparently so willing and even eager to bed the man I now considered a personal enemy. This was EXACTLY the wrong attitude and what Jennifer was trying to help me get through right now. And intellectually I knew this and I also knew if I couldn't, my intelligence career was about to come to a screeching halt.

"You don't like this plan much - because I'll be having sex with Grayson? I like to think that and I'm touched but we both HAVE to do what we must. Say "yes", Dear."

And I grimly nodded and did say "Yes."

"Good. Because you might not like the fallback plan any better, at all. If I can't get in some kind of lengthy intimate relationship with Grayson, then we will have to try and turn Rachel and use her. She is already IN that kind of relationship and has great access both professionally and personally. You can't do that turning. The dynamic now is all wrong. If she finds out now YOU are an actual intelligence agent she'll burn you with Grayson without thought. So, we'll bring in a male equivalent of me. A man that is almost irresistible to any woman he really goes after. And if mere seduction fails he will "date rape" drug her and she'll have screaming orgasms with him anyway that will be filmed for blackmail. Sorry, but it might be necessary."

My blood turned cold. All along in the back of my mind I knew this is how it very well might play out. It was against my moral upbringing in all kinds of ways. It's easy to imagine oneself entering this line of work and facing all kinds of personal sacrifices, including the ultimate one, for a greater noble cause. But sacrificing a loved one without her consent or even knowledge? The end sometimes DOES justify the means but that is one damn slippery slope. Sure, Rachel wasn't just an "innocent" person in this now even more sordid mess. But I wasn't an innocent husband either. I pursued her as basically a lark, initially - then never loved her enough to actually tell her the truth about who I really was and what I did - and could do - when the "cause" required it. I was rather a shitty husband and soul mate. I never should have married her. Time to grow the hell up.

"I understand," I said quietly.

"I am sorry, Jim. Please don't hate me." And after a minute or so of silence as we both wrestled with our own thoughts and emotions. "Please stay the night and just hold me?"

"I don't hate you and I never will. At least no more than I hate myself for what I've done and what I have become in this shitty world."

"Utopia won't ever happen here on Earth, Jim. It's impossible. Lucifer Principle crapola, human pride, social status, "wanting your cake and eating it too" craziness, always interferes and always will. It's inescapable. There will always be evil in this world, mostly just mundane and banal egoistic selfishness and greed, but also the truly monstrous kinds of sadism and lust for power. But there will also always be at least a little bit of good, great beauty, and a slight chance for equity and balance with forgiveness and mercy. That's also part of our human social natures, the better part, built on love and honest empathy for others.

"I'm not any kind of religious Christian like you are. But I know my history and the gradual improvements in human affairs in the world Christianity has wrought. But Christian thought and influence really started waning by the end of the 19th century. That led to the many "brotherhoods of 'isms" like Fascism, Communism, viral Nationalisms, and just well-meaning Secular Humanism/Scientificism as the supposed cure for ALL the ills caused by "irrational superstitious religion". But we both know how THAT worked out as the horrors of scientific racism and Eugenics played out to the bitter rational conclusion - forceful extinction of all "inferior" genes from the human race during the Holocaust. Not just Jews, but homosexuals, Slavs, Gypsies, and the few Africans in firm NAZI control were ruthlessly eliminated "scientifically".

"Islam and it's own teachings of "superiority" and "inferiority" are just as dangerous - made even more so in the inexplicable ways that modern secular liberals now actively support Islam over Christianity and Christianity's classic liberal principles in world and even many national affairs. And now your wife is enmeshed very deeply in this craziness, and so are you and I. We can't afford to lose the big game here, and I refuse to think that we will. And tonight just laying in your arms I can remain nothing but sure of our success."

And we held each other through the night contemplating very bad things happening, despite our best efforts to be positive. Just the comfort of each other's warm bodies was finally enough for our much needed rest. I was awakened very early by a very pleasurable sensation and another comforting and comfortable interlude of "two bodies becoming one" followed. If it wasn't actually making love - it was close enough for both of us. We were both ready to face our futures, as bravely as possible I thought, as I left that wonderful room before she was even dressed.

Time to meet Dr. Ruth and get cracking on the rest of my now pretty fucked up life.

*****************

Rachel -

Well, shit. My life felt pretty fucked up right now. Things weren't exactly turning out like I thought they would.

I was tired. Very tired and beyond exhausted. I really missed being married, having a man - MY man - in my bed holding me all night and every night. Jim had played that role good enough, darn it.

I was still seeing Grayson quite a bit, of course, but we never actually slept together. We would have sex - often involving another woman - always at his place or some 5 star hotel suite or penthouse, never my condo. And afterwards, when HE was finished finally, then I would be gently helped to leave and be escorted home by his servants and limo driver. Then I would have to just go to work the next day. I still had my full time lawyer job, but it was known and just accepted being Grayson's "main squeeze/mistress" WAS my most important job right now, to all the partners in the firm. Accepted...but I wasn't getting any real good vibes about it, just professionally career wise.

And going out to some party or other social gathering three, four, or even five times a week with Grayson, BEFORE we ever got to the sex part - was getting incredibly tedious to me and merely added to my exhaustion. Turns out the "rich, famous, and powerful" weren't actually all that interesting - night after night - especially to someone like me. It became increasingly clear that I was not - and never would be - accepted as anything but Grayson's "bimbo" to almost everyone we met. No matter how brilliant my legal mind was.

Half the men at these gatherings merely wanted to seduce me to "fuck Grayson by fucking his woman" in their never ending pecking order power plays. The old "I'm more powerful than you are, my dick is bigger than your's" schoolyard level competition fueled by whatever insecurities still remained in all these supposedly now mature males. And they weren't really good at flirting at all. Being powerful in other ways - like money or politics - they never had to develop any real charm at all, just boorishness. I was drinking a LOT more than I ever had before and I was becoming just a little concerned I was using too many other drugs - especially Cocaine and Ecstasy - when Grayson did finally get around to having sex with me. These drugs also were interfering with my sleep and adding to my exhaustion.

So, here I sat in a very nice lounge, just trying to unwind a little bit before going home to my lonely condo. Grayson was in the air right now on his private jet - winging his way to Tehran. There was something a tad critical going on, some fires that needed to be put out - and he also said he needed me to stay in Washington for this next week "just in case". He promised he'd take me the next time he flew out of the country, no matter what. But I was beginning to not care all that much anyway. I could sure use a week off to hopefully catch up on my sleep.

Hell, maybe I could even get Jim back in my bed and sleep with HIM all night at least a few times. Maybe even some non-demeaning sex, if no longer actually love making. Jim was whining a lot now and would probably do whatever I wanted him to do. Sigh. Once I had thought Jim one of the most naturally "alpha" males I had ever known. Even as a college kid and two years younger than me, he seemed like a man among boys compared to everyone else I knew. His current whining depression state just diminished him in SO many ways to me.

How did it all go so wrong? Ever get to this point?

Maybe part of it was me - maybe I never really grew up but just lived some silly schoolgirl fantasies. I was once sure that Jim was meant for great things. Not only was he extraordinarily physically strong, but he was smart, and maybe even genius level when it came to his languages abilities. I was sure he'd actually end up working for the CIA or the State Department. If he was an intelligence agent of ANY kind, I could always be so proud of him and love parading him before my own co-workers. He'd have some cool cover - or not. Just knowing his shared secret would be so cool, anyway. I'd just smile knowingly.

I was thrilled when he got his first job - he just said it was for the Federal Government in Washington DC. When I learned what it really was, I just couldn't believe it - but OK, maybe it was just temporary or even a set-up predecessor to some intelligence job. But apparently not, and it was like Jim lost all ambition - just settling for his nothing clerical kind of job and drinking and playing sports with his co-workers. I just don't understand it. And it just got so embarrassing to have him around as my husband in any law firm social situation. There was NOTHING I could be proud of about him in that definitely high-testosterone shark-eat-shark world. He was kind and gentle and funny and infinitely inventive in ways to get us - and me especially - off in bed? They'd all laugh at him - and me for just being "naive", and all the men and half the women - the Dyke half - would guarantee they could get me off better. It was all lose-lose for me at that point.

And Jim himself seemed to be drifting away. He wouldn't actually talk about his job or really anything serious about himself or us. It was all self-deprecation stuff and nothing about his own dreams or plans for the future. Nothing about us having kids together. He wasn't even doing his martial arts stuff anymore or attending Mass. I also wasn't going to Synagogue or interacting with the DC Jewish religious community. And I was starting to miss my own family terribly.

I had thought our "forever" love for one another had allowed us to bypass our "religious prejudices" - I did not renounce my Judaism and he did not renounce his Catholicism and convert, either. We were married in a small civil ceremony. Thinking back on it now, there could be a different take - neither one of us was actually committed to the other one enough to also join at the religious level. Maybe that's why - or one major reason - the whole issue of having children together never came up. Both religious traditions endorse lifelong marriage as equals AND proper religious instruction for children. How would that work for us? How could it? Well, we'd have to HAVE children before we could even work that out. And since we weren't even having sex with one another anymore and our whole marriage was off the rails, these were all rather pointless questions, now.

Maybe I'd just blow everyone and everything off in my life right now. Divorce Jim and quit my job and just go back home and beg Dad to forgive me. He would when I admitted he had been right all along, I was pretty sure. I wouldn't have to "break-up" with Grayson. He might not even notice I wasn't around anymore. And that was yet another of my silly little girl fantasies - that some rich and powerful "Prince" would rescue little Princess me from my banal existence. Some Prince he turned out to be, more like just another horny toad and with a zero chance for true love, romance, and marriage and kids with Grayson as a loving Dad. I actually shuddered thinking about Grayson as a father. He had shown me nothing that indicated he had any normal kinds of human love and empathy. Sexual fun and games? Mostly him being dominant and ALWAYS getting what he wanted? Absolutely. Frankly, it was getting more than boring. Big dick and all - including gourmet food, servants, and the occasional gifts worth ten to a hundred thousand dollars - it was all turning into one big drag.

Sigh, again. But I just wasn't quite at that point, yet, to shitcan it all. And I WAS still married to Jim. He had called me earlier today and I hadn't answered, as usual. As usual he left me his "just checking" voicemail - only this one was a tad different.

"Hi, honey. Just wanted to talk to you a bit and hope you are having a good day. Uh, something's come up and I have to go out of town for the next week. Job related. Training. You know I kind of got demoted and transferred when...we first split up. I, uh, need this job and I have to do this. It's kind of a "boot camp" last chance thing and cellphones aren't even allowed. Just this number I'll give you for "family emergencies." And they mean REAL emergencies. Sorry, guess we won't be talking for a week or so. Maybe that'll be good for us. Oh, well. I never stopped loving you, and I'm still in love with you. But I think I'm starting to understand you probably aren't "in love" with me anymore. I've been seeing a counselor and she's helping me understand things a little clearer. Her name is Dr. Elizabeth Ruth and here is her number as well. She'd like to talk with you about me. Maybe you can next week? It's all on my dime, of course - my insurance. If you don't want to, that's OK too. Talk to you in about a week, I guess. Bye."