All Comments on 'Turn On the Lights Ch. 01'

And i just crossed off working at venues :), after your description. I will look forward to the next episode..

The first sentence is awkward and strange: "The car park was empty bar four cars," Are you trying to say there were only four cars in the lot? Might be better to say it that way."There were only four cars in the parking lot so..."

"a big, brick box whose only identifying feature was the enormous neon sign on the side"

An enormous neon sign is quite a major identifying feature, not an "only": " a big brick box with an enormous neon sign on the side of it."

The two paragraphs of descriptions of the lighting setup? I would ditch that.

I'm finding a lot of redundancies and unnecessary words that is making this story a bit tedious: " I always thought that my eyes were too big, and the same applied to my lips." could be shortened to: " I always thought that my eyes and lips were too big."

"Dave was desperate for a spot op – a spotlight or 'followspot' operator -" Words for nothing. "Dave was desperate for a spotlight operator" would suffice.We all know what a spotlight is. No need to pack this with jargon and technical terms that only those working in this area would understand or care about. Telling readers to Google it is kind of condescending, presuming anyone is interested enough to do so. This is lighting in a bar, not a spaceship to Mars.

" I saw his eyes take me in for a second, registering interest at who I was, but with a slight flicker of distaste at how I looked." Really? She must be absolutely hideous if someone can't hide his distaste at the sight of her.

"Most people just call me Scruff." I cannot imagine any woman telling a stranger to call her "Scruff", a degrogatory nickname given to her by others. Good name for a dog though!

Too many semi-colons. Use sparingly and not to replace periods.

Not the "G-spot!" Not long ago no one had ever heard of it. Now, every single person knows about it, where to find it and they never miss it. I'm sick of obligatory G-spots and with everyone wanting to taste themselves. People must be getting all this from porn movies.

The rest of this might be very well be good, but I couldn't continue.

I love when people leave paragraphs worth of criticism, anonymously. Hey everyone! This is a site for novice writers. If you must criticize, send private feedback. Barring that, at least have the courage to use your name. Hey Exiled, nice start. I can't wait for Scruff's next adventure. Keep it up.

I enjoyed this and actually like the name Scruff ,sort of sexy in a way.

The door is open for more tales of Scruff , which I for one would look forward too.

If you want to leave such criticisms when some one has taken the time to write for our enjoyment then don't do it anonymously , or just read something else .

Keep writing please Exiled_Oblivion.

Is "Lesbear" your real name? No? I guess that means you're anonymous too, right? You think anonymous critiques cannot be helpful, but only worthwhile if some made-up alias is attached to it? I was pointing out ways to improve the writing, not merely saying, "This sux" or "I hate this". I took the time to point out what could be made better. Some of us enjoy reading erotic stories for the actual story and good writing, not just to find jerk-off material. So go fuck yourself, Anonymous Lesbear.

Very yummy indeed! Lots of fun too! Thank you!