U-N-I Ch. 08

I sat back down next to Rob and the journalist came over to us and sat on the sofa on the other side of the coffee table, facing us.

"From the look on your faces, I suppose you know I'm not here to interview you," he told us somberly.

"So, what are we here for?" Tom snapped nastily.

He looked at us with a slight smile on his face and opened the folder he was holding in his hands. He retrieved a large white paper and turned it around, placing it in front of us. Rob and I had one look at it and then we looked at each other, defeated.

It was a photograph on which we were kissing, and it was not a friendly kiss.

Rob looked down at the picture and then looked up at him,

"What exactly d'you plan on doing with this?"

"Well, nothing yet!" he replied.

I looked at the picture again. I had no idea when or where it had been taken. We had been careful. We always made sure we were alone or at least around people we could trust before we kissed or touched each other.

It could be pretty frustrating sometimes but I guess it was the price we had to pay to protect ourselves from these people, who despite our discretion, had still managed to corner us.

We didn't say anything for a moment. We felt totally cornered and we weren't really prepared for this. Of course, we knew we'd have to come out at some point - but to discuss it and to actually take the plunge were two different things. We were aware that being outed by the media was a possibility but so far, we hadn't really thought about it that much. We were probably still too innocent to think this would happen. Somehow, we hoped we would just slip through the net. We hadn't talked much about when or how we wanted to come out but doing it in a paper like 'The Sun' was definitely not on our list.

"We 've also got the video footage that goes with it." he told us proudly, pointing at the picture,"So, if you don't want anybody to see this tomorrow in the morning paper, we're gonna need to talk," he said to us with self-assurance.

Well, that made Rob react.

"Are you seriously threatening to out us tomorrow morning?" he asked the guy resolutely.

Rob glared at him and shot him a poisonous look, and with his eyes, he could give a pretty intimidating one. I could tell that the journalist lost his self-assurance for a few seconds when he met Rob's gaze and saw the look in his eyes. I saw him hesitate and he looked at Rob uneasily, worried about what he might do.

He immediately broke eye contact and looked at me and Tom but saw the same furious expression in our eyes. He seemed to pull himself together very quickly though, the hesitation in his behavior lasting only a few short seconds and he looked at us with confidence again. He was so fucking satisfied, proud and sure of himself, he knew he had us. I was feeling nothing but hatred for this guy and I started wondering how someone could take this much pleasure in destroying other people's lives just to make money. Not that he was going to completely destroy our lives, I'm sure we weren't the first ones to be blackmailed by 'The Sun'.

Rob continued staring at him angrily as Tom tried to threaten him,

"You know you can't do that, we'll have you sued."

"You can try," he replied with confidence.

I turned to Tom,

"Shouldn't we refuse to talk to them without a lawyer in the room or something?"

He looked at me and stood up,

"Yeah, we're leaving!"

Rob looked at him straight in the eye as he said with contempt,

"You're such a bastard. Look at you! Don't you have any self-respect? How can you do this and still look at yourself in the mirror? I'm sure your parents must be really proud of their son."

The journalist immediately turned his head toward the security guard, who started taking a few steps towards us. Rob took a step back and looked at him, letting him know he didn't have to move from where he was. He didn't, but kept an eye on Rob.

We walked towards the door.

Before we stepped out, Tom turned to him and asked, a bit resigned,

"What is it gonna take for you not to publish this in tomorrow's morning paper?"

The reporter was silent for a moment.

When he finally spoke, we weren't too crazy about his answer,

"You can talk to their label and see what they're willing to do. Or they can sign an exclusivity agreement with us. We will keep this information to ourselves. They can come out whenever they're ready to do it and they'll get to name their own terms. We'll publish an article that will be the truth and nothing but the truth."

Rob chuckled and said, emphasizing every word,

"That is never going to happen! Primarily because someone like you and the rag you work for wouldn't know the truth if it smacked you in the face."

And we walked out the door. We didn't say anything until we were out of the building and in the taxi.

"Fuck!" I swore. "This guy is the biggest asshole I've ever met, can you believe that guy? Tom, what should we do?" I asked

"Well, I have no idea. I've never had to deal with that kind of blackmailing. You obviously don't wanna sign any agreement with them. So I don't know. I'm gonna go to BMG right now and see if they can negotiate something with them, buy you some time."

He got out of the taxi to take another one and we went back to our place.

We remained silent for a moment until I told Rob, in a resigned voice,

"Maybe we should just sign their stupid agreement, and then we can just come out whenever we want, on our own terms," I said, but not really meaning it.

Rob just looked at me, perplexed,

"I cannot believe you just said that. No, we shouldn't! They just wanna make money. They want us to come out. And they want an exclusive interview so that they can make as much money as possible out of it. What kind of people are we if we let them use us and manipulate us like that? It'll betray everything we are. It'd be like saying to people that we're hiding a dirty little secret and that we're ashamed of loving each other."

"I know, but we've always said that we'd come out when we feel ready. And I don't know if we are."

"Hey, I don't wanna do this right now, I really don't. I want as much as you do for our relationship to stay private. I don't like the idea of having to share it with the whole fucking world but we can't let a tabloid out us or god knows what kind of twisted version of the truth they're gonna write, and that's all people will remember. Most people always believe the first thing they read. And god, there's so many people reading this bloody paper every morning, we just can't let them out us, now or later!"

"But we've always said that our private lives are our own thing and I don't like that I'm gonna have to talk about it and comment on it and answer people's questions about what's supposed to be private."

"I know, me neither. I already have paparazzi on my back every day, it's gonna be even worse if we come out. They're gonna be after pictures of us together all the time now."

I sighed and looked into his eyes, confused and anxious. We didn't say anything for a few seconds. My mind was racing as I tried to find a way out, but there was none.

Why did it have to be so complicated to be gay? Why did people have to make such a big deal out of it? No one was going to be on the first page of the Sun to say that they were straight, now were they? Why did somebody's sexuality have to be so damn important to some people? It was pissing me off so much that we had to justify ourselves like this. Because this shouldn't even have to be an issue.

I sighed dejectedly,

"Look, I realize we don't have a choice - and I know people are starting to suspect that there might be something going on between us already. But I didn't think we'd be forced to do it so soon. I don't mind them knowing about us but I don't wanna talk about it in the media."

"We don't have to share our relationship with the whole world, you know. We can simply refuse to talk about it in the media or to do interviews where they expect to ask us questions about our personal life. Right now, it is just about telling people that we're gay and together. It doesn't have to be more than that, we don't have to say more than that."

He took my hand in his and I rested it on his thigh as he caressed it, softly brushing his thumb over my knuckles until we arrived at our place. We went straight to Jordan's place, where he, Dylan and Damon were waiting for us.

We had started explaining the situation to them on the phone but we told them everything that had happened.

"What you gonna do?" Dylan asked.

"Come out, I guess." I said decisively.

"Are you ready to do that? It's not really a good time," he said worriedly.

"Why not?" Jordan said immediately. "Maybe it's the perfect time. It'll give us more freedom to write a fucking awesome album."

"That people might decide not to buy!" Dylan added looking at Jordan.

Jordan frowned,

"Dylan, we've got plenty of gay fans."

"And we've got plenty of straight fans as well." he added.

"Well if some are stupid enough to do that, then fuck 'em!" Jordan exclaimed.

"We're about to become huge," Dylan said in a decisive tone, "this could compromise everything, especially in the States. It might completely change the image people have of the band. Our fans will be okay with it, but we still have a long way to go, and most people will stop at the gay thing without even giving us a chance."

"Are you that desperate to break in the States?" Jordan asked, confronting him, "Cause I'm not! Remember what Bono told us, 'be real, wear your heart on your sleeve,' well, let's just do that. If people like it, great, if they don't, who the hell cares!"

As I listened to him, I knew he was right. But we had talked about this already, we all wanted the band to have a major influence on the music scene in the long run. We still wanted to be around in twenty years, and we were a bit worried that coming out would jeopardize this, because we didn't want to be categorized, to touch only a minority. We wanted U-N-I to touch everyone, we didn't want it to be limited. We didn't want our homosexuality to be everything about us. It was part of the band's identity, but it was only a small part, not everything that we were. I was worried that people would want to pigeonhole us.

Rob passed his hands over his face and turned around. He walked away, toward a corner of the room, knowing that what both of them were saying made sense. He rested his forehead against the wall and I just stood still next to Jordan, wondering what the hell we were going to do.

We all grew silent, thinking. There was a definite tension in the air and the atmosphere in the room was heavy and electric.

Jordan walked over to Rob. He made him turn around and placed his hands on each side of his face. He whispered something to him before hugging him against him and talking in his ear to calm him down. Rob buried his face in the crook of Jordan's neck and hugged him too as Jordan comforted him and rubbed his hand up and down his back. After a few seconds, Damon joined them and rubbed the back of Rob's neck, talking to him soothingly too. I don't think Rob really knew what to do with himself, he was about to lose it. I was glad they were there for him because I was pretty much in the same state as he was. He needed his friends, I was just as worried and confused as he was.

I think we were really starting to realize what it all meant, especially for Rob. Because the thing was that, even though he and I were in the same boat, we both knew that he would be the one who would have to deal with this the most. Journalists would once again focus their attention on him and he would be the one to be really labeled as gay, he'd be the one to carry this on his shoulders. I'd just be the boyfriend.

At first, that's probably what most people who didn't know much about us would think, because so far, when people heard U-N-I, they heard 'Robbie Myers'! Apart from our fans, people would probably just think of me as 'this guy from the band that Robbie dates'. I knew Rob was afraid of losing people's respect. He needed to know that people liked him, respected him for who he was and he was taking the risk of losing that respect.

"I'm sorry Rob," Dylan told him. "I don't mean to make you worry more than you already do. I don't care whether you guys come out now or later, but we should really think this through before you make a decision."

We all looked at each other, realizing the seriousness of the situation, knowing this could have a tremendous impact on our future and that it would probably change a lot of things as far as the band was concerned. I walked over to Rob. Jordan and Damon kind of left me alone with him and went over to where Dylan was standing, near the couch. I took Rob's hand in mine and kissed his cheek. He rested his head on my shoulder and I put my other hand in his hair.

"God guys," Damon started saying, "maybe Dylan's right, it's a pretty big risk to take, I mean, we still have a lot to prove and maybe we should prove it before you come out."

"Or maybe it's not," Dylan sighed, "What do I know?"

I was a bit surprised that he would change his mind so fast. He was usually the one who was the most worried about the consequences that coming out would have on the band.

"Most people suspect anyway," he said, talking to Rob, "and I know you'd love to be able to sing the songs, knowing people know what some of the lyrics mean to you. Maybe the next tour could be the best tour ever because the fans will understand the lyrics and feel like they really know you."

"Hey, make up your mind! What if you were right before?" Damon said, "What if they decide they don't wanna listen to a band with a gay singer and that they won't buy our album or won't come to our gigs."

"Some probably will," Jordan said, "but damn, would you stop! We've talked about this before, if they decide to turn their backs on us, then they're not worth it. But come on, guys, our fans are pretty open-minded, I'm pretty sure everything'll work out fine."

"We'll be doing a great service to the gay community here," Rob said, "I'm sure it could help a lot of gay guys feel better about themselves and who they are."

I knew he had to be right about that. Sure, there were more and more celebrities coming out but I had this feeling that us coming out could do a lot in terms of changing some people's perceptions, because at the end of the day, we were just your average gay guys who you would think are straight if you saw them walking down the street. We were just normal metrosexual guys from an ordinary middle-class, not to mention catholic background, who just happened to like men.

"We're gonna lose fans anyway," Jordan said, "and some people will probably decide not to buy the next album just because you're gay, but at the same time, we're gonna gain a lot of fans too, cool and open-minded ones," he said with a smile.

"Rob," he added, "you've already taken the decision a while ago. Sure, it was easy to say that you'd come out someday when you didn't actually have to do it but right now you're just scared, but the decision, you've already taken it."

I looked at Rob and smiled at him,

"It could be kinda cool to record a new album, feeling totally free to say what we wanna say, and to go on tour, knowing that our fans know."

"Yeah, you actually sing about being gay, it's just part of the band's identity," Jordan told him, "and I think it's about time you tell people the truth. And it's not like you need to stay in the closet. I know you wanna make sure we're famous enough for this not be an issue but I think we are famous enough!! Aren't you tired of hiding this?"

"Sure," Rob said in a low voice, "I wanna be honest about this, and I know I have to be honest about this but... it's not that easy."

"Guys," Jordan continued, "they have you with your backs to the wall here, and I'm afraid that if you back out and decide to wait, you might take an even bigger risk. Now that they know, they could just out you whenever they want. Even if they say that they won't, these people, they are unscrupulous. And if it's not 'The Sun', it might be another paper. Too many people are asking questions. If you do it now, you won't have to worry about this anymore."

"I know," Rob said, "I guess I'm just worried of losing still a little bit more of my privacy."

"We'll finally have the freedom to be ourselves though," I told him. "We won't have to hide anymore. It'd really take a huge weight off of our shoulders."

"Yeah," Jordan said, "you just need a little push. Maybe this is actually a good thing."

"Yes," Damon said, "you might never have the balls to actually do it if no one ever gives you a good kick in the ass," he said with a laugh.

"So, you gonna do this?" Dylan asked after a few seconds of silence.

"I guess," Rob said, almost in a whisper staring into space, "Let's just wait for Tom to give us some news."

We all sat down on the couches and grew silent, trying to weigh the pros and the cons in our minds.

"I have this picture of us on my phone," Rob told me, breaking the heavy silence, he stopped talking and looked down, lost in his own thoughts.

"O-kay," I said, not sure why he was telling me this.

"You know, it's one of those pics of us you were always taking with your camera during the tour," he said to Jordan. "When we weren't watching - in case you'd need something compromising to use against us or something."

They both laughed.

"I love it," he said softly.

"O-kay, " I repeated, "where are you going with this?" I asked him.

He took out his phone and searched for the photo. Then he handed me the phone. Jordan stood up and looked at it over my shoulder.

"Oh yeah I remember. I'm a bloody good photographer."

"I thought that if we ever were to come out on social media, I would do it with this picture,' he explained.

"Just post it on Instagram, with some kind of comment below, then wait and see what happens."

I just watched him and said,

"You were thinking about doing that?" I asked in surprise.

"Yeah," he shrugged slightly.

"I never thought I'd really have to do it. But right now, it seems like the right move! I'm not sure I'll have the balls to go through with it though," he sighed.

I had to admit, it seemed like a good move. It was a black and white picture that spoke for itself. It was lovely. We were sitting on a sofa, kind of cuddling, he had his arm over my shoulders, his lips pressed on the side of my forehead, his eyes staring into space. I had my eyes closed, a slight smile on my lips and I was holding his hand, fingers intertwined.

Jordan took the phone from my hands.

"What are you doing?" I asked him, my panic instantly rising.

"Just editing the picture a bit," he sat back down and started tapping the phone screen.

After a couple of minutes, he turned to Rob,

"What comment would you have written?"

"I dunno," he shrugged.

Jordan smirked,

"Sure you do, come on, what do you have in mind?"

Rob smiled lightly, and then looked at me, he hesitated and finally said,

"The lyrics to 'Ink' I think."

I smiled. This was a sexy love song I had written after getting a tattoo on my hip, that I really didn't want to release. But they had all insisted, so we had just decided to release it as a B-side, and I had hoped that people would not pay too much attention to it. Unfortunately, our fans did notice it and we had had a lot of requests for it during the tour. We had also noticed that it was one of the fans' favourites on our message board.

"People don't really know that song," Damon commented.

"Our fans do!" Rob replied.

"Ok, exactly which line?" Jordan asked.

"Just the chorus, 'All I know, is that I love you so, so much that it hurts!'"