U-N-I Ch. 14 - Part 03

I knew I was guilty of partying too much. I knew Mark didn't really want that. I didn't even know why I was going out so much anyway when all he wanted to do was to stay in at the end of the day if we didn't have anything planned as a band. He had never really wanted to be a rockstar. He always said that he loved the music and he agreed that we had the best job in the world but he didn't want to stop living a normal life whenever we could. He didn't want to go out drinking and partying several nights a week. I guess he had seen the asshole who had pretended to be his father for twenty three years do that like practically every night of the week, and he was not going to go down that road. Or let me get down that road for that matter. He knew too well what the consequences were.

Jordan on the other hand, just like me, wanted to live it up. He never wanted to stay in. Jordan and I going out partying together was always a bad idea because it would always, and I mean always, end up with us doing something that we shouldn't have been doing. We were twenty seven, we were supposed to be mature enough to know when we were doing something stupid. But I guess we weren't that smart when we were drunk. Then again is anyone?

Whenever Mark did go out with us, I was thankful that he was there because I knew he would watch over us. When we went out partying together, he would always have enough before us. He'd stop us before things got too wild. He'd always warn me that I had to be very careful with drinking and going out. I was good at acting very confident but it was not my true personality. It took some effort on my part and drinks or drugs could just take all my insecurities away in an instant, which was awesome of course, I loved that. It made it so much easier to be who people wanted me to be.

Although he loved to party as well, Mark would never really go past his limits. I honestly didn't know how he managed to always stay in control of himself. He knew when to stop. I didn't. I would always go a bit too far. I would drink myself stupid and be really sad when I had no reason to be sad, just pondering over the fact that I was this huge star with no more control over my life. I think in a way, I was relying on him to tell me,"that's enough, let's just go home, go back to our room, it's late, time to leave," and I would always agree because I was not stupid, I knew he was right. He was always right anyway. He just wanted us to spend more quality time alone together.

I knew I wouldn't be able to maintain this lifestyle for long. I was cracking up. I wasn't even getting proper sleep. I hadn't gone to bed sober in weeks. Real fatigue was setting in and I was starting to suffer from voice exhaustion, which wasn't great considering we had to record an album.

I was burnt out.

I only felt better when Mark and I were alone, but we almost never were. He'd say something like 'whose fault is that?' and he was right. I was avoiding him. I didn't want him to see me sad or weak and I wouldn't admit that I needed help. I wouldn't let him help me. I was supposed to be the stronger one, right? Plus I didn't really think that I needed help. I wasn't crazy, I wasn't an alcoholic. I was just having a good time, but I was losing control.

Until then, Mark hadn't really cared that much about my partying. He just devoted more time than I did to working on the album and the tour and we were still able to spend some time alone together during the course of the day. We didn't need to spend every minute of our lives together. But maybe I just didn't want to admit to myself that he'd had enough of me going out all the time.

Tom, our manager, would always tell me, "watch yourself," or "don't go out too much," but I wouldn't listen. He couldn't really lock me up either so I was still free to do whatever I pleased. All of those things we had been warned about... when you get into the industry, people say,

"Be careful of this, be careful of that," I was doing all of them, shamelessly! Even though I fucking knew I shouldn't be. I just hoped that if I went too far, if I couldn't do all the things that we had to do during the day because I was too hungover or too tired or about to have a nervous breakdown, then maybe everything would stop.

I wish I had known how to make things work. How to be happy. How to be more positive. How to enjoy everything we were doing with the band like I used to enjoy it, but I couldn't. I got into a spiral of dark moments. I had too many toxic people around me who were bringing me down. I cared about social media a bit too much and all the shit that people had to say about everything we did, it being positive or negative.

I knew I should have been oblivious to stuff and not be susceptible and just concentrate on the people I loved around me, and working on songs, and just doing what we did best, which was to write music about our lives, our feelings and the world around us. I wish I had known what the key to happiness in our industry was. But damn, we were young and it was almost impossible to not go through some tough times.

It all started to go wrong when we spent a week in Amsterdam. We were going there to do a bit of promotion and to play a festival. As usual, we were the headlining act and everyone there made us feel like we were super important. We had a fabulous time but things got too wild.

Many artists were performing at the festival and staying at the same hotel and a couple of private parties had been organized in a club close to where we were all staying. The party we attented the night of our performance was just phenomenal! Seriously the best party ever but it got really mental and harder drugs entered the picture. There was weed, there was ecstasy, there was GHB, there was crystal meth, there was coke, there was everything, and everybody was high.

It was really no big deal to Jordan and me, and even Damon. Damon took an ecstasy pill because, as he'd say, he still cared about staying alive. But Jordan and I were a bit more self-destructive I guess and this time we didn't avoid going past our limits and we did a couple lines of coke.

I don't really remember feeling that different except that I was a bit more positive. I felt complete, like I was at the peak of all my potential. I was a bit more talkative and confident, more energetic and overstimulated, with no fear, no anxiety whatsoever. I knew Mark was a bit high too on softer stuff. I remember we had sex at some point during the night and then he left with Dylan because, again, he'd had enough. Jordan, Damon and me wanted to party as long as we could so they just left us together.

I honestly didn't think it was a big deal. But this time, for Mark, it was the last straw. He gave me a good lecture. He made a huge deal out of it on the next day and I hadn't really seen it coming.

I had crashed in some girl's room with Jordan. Actually the two of us had left the party at dawn. It was already bright daylight when we left. The whole night was a bit of a blur because we had been drinking too.

I woke to the sound of my phone buzzing. It was afternoon and Mark had called me several times.

"Jeez, finally! Where the hell are you? I've been looking all over for you!" he asked, he sounded worried.

"Dunno." I responded and I looked around me, "A hotel room, for sure." I answered, not really sure whose room I was in.

"Are you okay? Is Jord with you?"

"Yeah, just sleeping." I whispered casually, so he'd know there was no need to worry.

There was a moment of silence.

"Well wake the fuck up! And come back to our room, like right now!"

"Babe, you're screaming."

"Yeah, I am. I'm so fucking mad at you!"

I sat up and felt dizzy, numb and kind of overwhelmed with negative emotions and he wasn't helping,

"Uh, can't it wait until my head stops spinning? I have a furious hangover."

"About to get worse!" he said and hung up.

Okay, I was in trouble. He wouldn't normally talk to me with that tone of voice.

I tried to fight my drowsiness, but as expected, the comedown was pretty hard and I felt like shit. I was a bit dehydrated, tired and depressed. I remembered thinking to myself,

''Ok, that's it, you've tried but you don't want to do that again!''

It had just been a little high for what appeared to be a bad day of feeling drained and depressed. I reluctantly got out of bed and went to the bathroom. There were some Paracetamol tablets on the countertop, so I had one. I felt too slow and sluggish to have a shower but I forced myself to. The hot water made me feel a lot better but I quickly stepped out again after washing myself.

I got dressed and went back into the room.

"Everything okay, man?" Jordan asked me. He was lying on the bed next to the one I had slept on.

"Fuck, I feel like shit." I answered as I threw myself face down on the bed.

"Yeah, me too. I threw up like an hour ago," he moaned.

I half-laughed,

"It wasn't even that good, was it? Dunno, it was kinda disappointing."

"Yeah, not really worth it," he agreed. "It backfired pretty hard on me!"

I drifted off again for what seemed like a long time but was probably only just a few minutes. When I woke up again, I felt a bit re-energized. I picked up my phone that I had tossed on the bed earlier and checked my messages again. I looked at Jordan who was still awake.

"Where are we?"

"In her room," he said, pointing at the girl lying next to him.

I chuckled. She seemed to be still sleeping. I looked over at her and although she was lying on her stomach and had her back to us, I immediately recognized her hair. She had partied with us the whole night. She was Lauren from the girl group "Fifth Harmony".

"Oh my god!" I chuckled in a whisper. "You fucked her?"

He shrugged as he watched her sleep,

"I'm not sure, I might have."

"What am I doing here?" I exclaimed with a chuckle, "Please tell me you didn't make me do anything with her."

He laughed,

"I think I'd remember that!"

"I can hear you!" she said as she turned around on her back, revealing her naked breast,"Not really sleeping. And no, neither he nor you has shown me his dick," she said, pointing at Jordan and then at me, "Yet,... Not for lack of trying!"

Jordan looked at me with a slight smile, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm outta here!" I exclaimed as I sat up on the bed. "I gotta go back to my room and get yelled at anyway!" I sighed.

"Oh shit!" Jordan let out a deep sigh. "He's gonna kill us, isn't he? I'd come with you, but I really don't want to," he joked.

"Oh, don't think you're gonna get away with it either!"

He laughed,

"Right! I know Dylan's gonna give me shit too."

I got off the bed and headed to the door.

"Enjoy the lecture," he said to me, as I walked out of the room.

"Fuck off!" I answered.

"Byyyye!" Lauren said, almost giggling.

I smiled back at her as she obviously began to rub Jordan's dick under the covers. At least, one of us was going to get laid.

I joined Mark in our room, knowing he'd yell at me.

And indeed, he did. He really laid into me. Stuff like,

''What the fuck d'you think you were doing last night? You're not gonna do that again. You're not gonna start to fucking do that.'

I was starting to feel a bit better but I still felt too numb to respond so I just sat on the bed and let him go on and on until he started to run out of things to say.

"Mark, Mark, I'm on your side! Jord and I just wanted to try. Everybody was doing it. We're in Holland, it's the country of drugs!"

"So? I don't give a shit where we are. What kind of dumb excuse is that?" he said, getting mad again.

"Well, it was convincing when Jordan used it. Look he's the one who suggested it. Be mad at him!"

"So what if Jordan wanted to get fucking high on coke? Don't you have any willpower? You could've said no... and stopped him from doing it!"

"Yeah, yeah, I should've."

He tutted and shook his head,

"You were fucking out of control last night."

"Why, what'd I do? I don't remember how I ended up in her room, but I swear I didn't fuck that girl from 'Fifth Harmony' with Jordan!" I said with a laugh.

"What?" he exclaimed, annoyed that I would find this funny.

"Never mind," I answered, now was not the time to make a joke.

"You wanted me to do a line too. Then you were all over me, fuck you'd probably have sucked my cock in front of everyone if I'd let you. Why d'you think I sucked your off in the frigging toilet? Maybe you don't remember that either?"

"No, I do remember that part."

"That's exactly why I didn't want you to do it. You're not in control of yourself. You know how it works. First it's alcohol, then it's weed, then it's E, and now it's coke? Next thing you know you're a fucking drug addict."

I rolled my eyes at that,

"Don't you think you're overreacting a little."

"Am I? Really? I know you. Now, tell me one thing. What do you think you're gonna do next time you go out and someone offers you a line of coke?"

I didn't answer and just started lying down on the bed.

"Well?" he pressured me to answer.

"I don't know!" I exclaimed, getting annoyed that he wasn't letting this go. "I won't do it apparently. Maybe I'll have a shot of heroin instead," I said.

"Don't you joke fucking about that. I'm so pissed off at you!"

"No kidding!'' I sighed, "Look, I get your point. I'm not stupid."

"Aren't you? 'Cause what you did last night was pretty damn stupid."

He glared at me, still not letting it go, and I think he was also trying to win the argument just for the sake of winning it.

"Fuck. I hate this. I fucking hate this!" he said and sat down on the edge of the bed, "You know how we have easy access to all sort of drugs. If you start doing them, even once, it's enough to make you wanna do them again. And Jordan too! What were you thinking?"

I sat up and moved closer to him. I rested my chin on his shoulder and said,

"Babe, everything's fine. We know it was a stupid thing to do. Don't worry," I gently placed my hand beneath his chin and pressed my lips against his cheek, "I'm only addicted to you," I said in a cheesy manner.

He turned his head a little more and I placed a kiss on his lips,

"Let's just stay in bed until we have to leave tomorrow."

He frowned,

"Are you still high? I don't wanna lie in bed all day. Fuck you."

I let out a sigh,

"Jeez, get over it!" I exclaimed and let my body fall onto the bed again, "Why are you making such a big deal?! It was nothing. I was just having a good time."

He was silent for a moment. Then he stood up and started venting his frustration again,

"Well, that's great! I'm happy for you. Keep doing that then. Enjoy yourself, and fuck up everything we've worked for. Keep doing that. But you might just end up having a good time all by yourself."

"Why are you saying that?" I asked, sitting back up, "Don't stay stuff like that. What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know very well what it means. It means that if you all that matters to you now is doing what you did last night - over and over again... I'm out!" he said with determination.

I remained quiet and studied the expression on his face for a moment,

"Don't say that, you don't even mean that."

"Watch me!"

I understood instantly that it was more than just a lecture and that I'd better take him more seriously. He wasn't letting it go this time. He wasn't just mad at me for doing coke, he was mad for everything else too -- especially for letting him carry the pressure of releasing a good enough record on his shoulders.

"What are you doing?" I asked unsure, as I watched him put his jacket on.

He grabbed his suitcase that was already packed. I couldn't believe I was only noticing this now, he headed to the door,

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm leaving."

"Our flight's tomorrow," I said.

"Mine's today," he responded dryly.

"Are you going home?" I asked, hoping that was where he wanted to go.

"No, Rob, I'm not going home. You're not the only one who needs a break. So do I. I've had enough of your bullshit!"

"What are you saying?" I asked, a bit perplexed.

"I"m saying that you need to get your shit together, and you can't do it with me around. Cause you and Jordan seem to think that you're just having fun, and that there's nothing wrong. But something's fucking wrong and it's time you admitted that. What happened last night is proof of that. You crossed a line you promised you wouldn't cross."

"It was..." I started saying, trying to find a way to justify myself, although I knew that whatever I'd say would just make things worse at that point.

He was just too exasperated with me.

"It was what? No big deal? Just cocaine?" he casually asked.

"No, but..." I quietly said.

He walked closer to me and looked at me straight in the eye,

"You wanna do that, you do it without me! Cause I'm not gonna do it with you," he headed toward the door again.

"Where're you going?" I asked before he reached the door.

"You don't need to know."

I was shocked. No words came out. I was too confused, not ready for this to happen.

Was he actually breaking up with me?

He wouldn't do that... would he?

"Mark, come on, don't do that. Don't leave. I know I went too far last night." I said, trying to make him see that I agreed with him, "But..."

But what?" he asked as he turned around again to face me.

"It was just this once..."

"How do you know that?" he asked, walking closer to me again.

"I'm not stupid. I don't wanna get into drugs."

"Keep going the way you are and you will. You fucking will! And you'll only realize it once it's too late! You need a fuckin' wake up call because in case you've forgotten again, we've got a fucking record to release!"

"I know, come on, don't. I need you," I begged as I reached for his arm.

He didn't let me and snapped,

"You don't fucking need anyone! And right now, I don't need you either. You're not yourself. And there's nothing I can do to help you 'cos you won't let me. You don't seem to think that you need any help. Maybe me leaving for a while will knock some sense into you."

Fully realizing, finally, that he was breaking up with me, and for how long I had no idea, I did my best to recover from my cocaine hangover. I thought about what I could say or do to make him stay, but there was no point. I knew him. He had made a decision to leave and he was not going back on it. I suddenly felt over emotional and almost wanted to cry.

"Don't you dare cry while I'm gone. You have to stop lying to yourself. I'm tired of watching you piss away your life and pretend everything's alright. Everything's not alright. You wouldn't be acting the way you are if it was."

He headed out the door and I watched him close it behind him, helpless to stop him from leaving. Once the initial shock had worn off, I came back to my senses. I couldn't let him go. I had to at least try to make him stay. I caught up with him and stopped him from getting into the elevator. He didn't put up a fight, he must have expected it.

I begged him not to leave. The cocaine comedown was making me so over emotional that I was about to cry real tears. I could tell it took everything he had not to look at me. I'm sure he knew he'd cave if he saw me cry.

"Stay. Please, just stay." I grasped his hand tight, "Whatever you want me to do, just say the words and I will. Just don't leave," I begged. "Where -- where d'you wanna go? We have to be in Madrid on Monday!"

He was doing his best not to look at me in the eye and I saw him hesitate. I knew he didn't really want to leave. He was just mad because we still had so much work to do as far as the record was concerned.

"Mark, I swear to you, it won't happen again. I know we're behind schedule and I have to take things more seriously, I know that. And I will..."