U-N-I Ch. 18

"Why were you doing it?" I asked.

"I think... because I was just sad at the time," he said with a sigh.

"Yeah? I guess I was doing it because I wanted everything to stop."

He studied my face,

"You mean, the fame?"

"Yeah, and everything that goes with it," I confirmed.

"Yeah. Fame is definitely not what you think it's gonna be. Once you realize that... I know what you're going through, believe me, I do. I remember this one night out in London that got really mental."

"Sounds familiar," I said.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, I had some mad nights...," I told him.

"Yeah. Me too. I remember once, I puked at the bar 'cause I was so drunk," he said with a laugh.

"At the bar!" I chuckled.

"But," he said to explain himself, "I did a shot of tequila and it went down in the wrong way, and I just puked in my hand," he laughed again, mimicking the action.

I laughed as I imagined the scene,

"I'm sure it was a great night though!"

"Oh, yeah, great night!" he nodded with a laugh, "I remember it vividly."

We laughed,

"Jeez, you're like worse than me!!" I exclaimed.

"Am I?"

"Maybe not," I recognized, "I did puke in the street once, in front of a couple of paparazzi."

He gasped with a smile,

"They didn't publish any pictures of this," I told him, "Jordan had to chase after them and forced them to erase the pictures they'd taken."

"Oh my god!" He burst out laughing. "That must've been epic! Do you all party like mad in the band?"

"No. Just me and Jordan, really. Mark doesn't like drinking much. He loves partying but he's never gonna get properly wasted. He always stops before he reaches that point. Dylan as well, and Damon, it depends. He doesn't go out as often as Jordan and I do."

"That's good. I need a boyfriend who looks after me and doesn't like drinking as much as I do."

"Yeah, that comes in handy," I confirmed, "but I rely on him too much to keep me grounded. I know that. He's getting tired of it. I have to rely more on myself."

"Yeah? I'm the opposite. I ground myself too much. It can be quite detrimental to my mental health. I don't know, I'm very hard on myself, because if I'm honest, I was really just having a good time."

"Yeah, so was I."

" I see why he would be mad at you though, if he's not a big fan of drinking."

"The thing is -- Jordan and I did coke in Amsterdam."

He hissed,

"Mmm, bad idea!"

"It was just once."

"That's all you've done?"

"No, we took ecstasy several times too."

He nodded, giving me another judgmental look,

"Yeah...so, I'd say he should be mad at you."

"I know. I don't blame him," I sighed.

"You see," he said, "that night in London... I remember, I woke up on the next day and just looked at myself in the mirror and I was just like...," he said, staring into space and slowly shaking his head.

"Enough?" I asked as I raised my eyebrows.

"Enough!" he repeated with a nod, "Like, what do you like? I love my job so much. So I figured, I have to be more mature. I don't wanna do this to the fans, you know. I mean seriously, I don't know about you, but that feeling of cancelling shows... makes me feel sick. I don't ever wanna have to do that."

"No, we've never had to do it...yet," I said, and then thought of Adele who did do it. "Oh my god, when Adele cancelled those Wembley stadium shows!"

"Oh my god, yeah," he huffed sadly, "My heart broke. I felt so bad for her. And it made me think... ok, I have to look after my voice."

"Yeah. I really have to take more care of mine as well."

"You know just as well as I do how difficult it is touring, and singing live. And it takes a lot of energy and it's hard on your voice. You have to take care of yourself, and rest, don't over do it. You've got a great voice but you've got to take care of it, man. I've looked after myself a lot more recently."

"Yeah, I know. My voice is an instrument and like any other instrument, it must be taken care of but instead, I've been putting too much strain on it 'cause I'm so worn out. We have to finish the recording of our album and we're supposed to go back on tour, but everything's on hold for now. I don't know what's gonna happen. People are waiting for us to announce our tour dates, and most of the venues have been booked for months, but you know... We've all had enough I think, but especially me. I don't know if I'll have the energy to do it all over again right now."

"You have to get your life back on track first. But I understand how you feel. Everything that's happening to us so scary in a way when you think about it."

"It really is. And being gay on top of that."

He laughed,

"Right! You know, you're like the only one. We're like literally the only two gay singers our age in the business. And you know what, I feel kinda lonely as a gay man in music sometimes. We should have each other's back."

I let out a small laugh,

"Yeah. That's true. There really isn't enough openly gay men in the music industry."

"Yeah, or women. We need to be strong!" he said as if he was about to give a speech, "We need to be at the front talking and shouting so that there's little kids who live in the middle of nowhere can hear us and hopefully be inspired."

I smiled at his resoluteness,

"That's really all we've been doing lately! During our last tour, we've really tried to make a difference and take things more seriously. You know, because we traveled around the world and we got to meet so many amazing people and see so many different aspects of the LGBT community..."

"Yeah, absolutely, me too," he said.

"We figured, we're in the situation we're in and we just need to grow up," I said.

"Yeah. Know more about the LGBT community and everything that's going on in the world. We're part of a community but I feel like all I do is talk about myself in my songs. It's all about me!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah but being in the position we're in...it can be so daunting sometimes," I said.

"Yeah, it is. But we are gay. As far as I'm concerned, my music is gay and what I speak about is gay. I just think it's so important to talk about this right now and I wanna make people feel uncomfortable because you should, and we should be addressing these issues and we should be talking about this right now," he said, sounding determined.

I nodded. "I need to be more comfortable in my own skin before I start doing that again because it's so challenging."

"Yeah, sure. Right now, it's not about what you can do for others, but what you have to do for yourself! What you need is probably to talk to people who can help you make sense of everything that's happened to you. You have to embrace all the sadness and negativity and come out of it stronger. I know you can do it. The kind of success you guys have had, so young, it's tough... And yeah, you're right, especially when you're gay and you have that burden on your shoulders. I can understand that you've had enough 'cause it's almost like you're a solo artist, just like me, they're always after you, aren't they?" he asked.

I sighed,

"Yeah, they are. And it can be such a burden. I can never do anything without being hassled. Because I don't know, just because I'm gay, I seem to be extra fascinating."

"Yeah, I see what you mean. Lately, the media seem more interested in who I snog than in my music," he laughed.

"I hate that. It's like they wanna know everything about our private lives. As if they're entitled to know every little detail of my love life."

"You need some time away from all this shit," he said.

I looked at him in the eye,

"That's what Mark keeps telling me. I think I just need a bit of anonymity. I'm way too famous. I used to think that it'd be absolutely amazing, and then I gradually realized that it wasn't."

"Yeah," he said knowingly, "Because wherever you used to be able to go, you now can't."

"Yeah, and I like going out!" I stated with a chuckle, "So that's a problem! I can't be invisible anymore. I can't be small, I can't disappear. I sometimes don't even feel safe. That made me feel so sad and depressed lately. And I never used to feel like that before, I hate it."

"Oh my god, yeah. I can totally relate. When I feel really sad now because of the fame, I just try to embrace it. I watch sad films and listen to sad music and then I'm all better. You know, I cope because I have music. Music is my therapy in a way. I tried to go to therapy because there was a time, just after the ''Grammies", when I just didn't know how to be happy. I would sleep like three, four hours a night and I was just sad. So I did go to therapy. I had one great therapy session with this woman but she said, 'You don't need me, you need a hypnotherapist'. So I did that and it was amazing. He really saved me. He basically told me about the adult part of your mind and the child part of your mind, and how the child part of my brain was just taking full control and I was giving it too much time."

I listened carefully to everything he told me and then said,

"I probably do that too."

"Yeah, you probably do."

"Well, I do get really sad sometimes but I wouldn't say that I have depression you know," I said, "usually, music is enough to make me feel better. Like, if I'm sad, I just sit with it and listen to sad music, or I try to find a good melody, and yeah, I do feel like music is my therapy in a way."

"Yeah, it works...but still. Being famous is so odd... and singing in front of so many people on stage...," he said, shaking his head in wonder.

I smiled.

"It's truly amazing, but some nights... I'm on stage, and I just feel shy... or unsure," I explained, pretty sure he could understand that.

"Yeah, 'cause you've got all these people looking at you and you need to be just as good as what they're expecting, even better! You don't want to disappoint!"

"Yeah, you've got, I don't know, twenty, fifty thousand people looking at you, and it's terrifying 'cause it's really weird to be that person. And the worst thing with me and performing, is that... I don't know who I'm gonna get!" I explained to him, "It's whether I turn up, just me, Rob... or Robbie Myers! And there were some nights during the tour when... he just didn't turn up!! and I had to do it all by myself," I said with a half-laugh.

He laughed too.

"I sound like a lunatic, don't I? but I'm totally serious," I said.

"I know you are!" he exclaimed, "I go through exactly the same. And so, you were kinda petrified on stage, right?"

"Yeah, totally! 'Cause I didn't feel confident enough those nights. I didn't want to be on stage. But nobody can tell!... 'Cause it's kind of an amazing trick that I've got, so it's ok. Nobody can tell... not even Mark sometimes. And I'm like, tonight was a nightmare! And they're like, are you kidding, you were amazing! And I'm like, yeah, but it was a nightmare! They believe me when I tell them I found it difficult, but they won't be able to notice that I do during the show."

"Yeah, I totally get that. Sometimes I just don't feel comfortable on stage, especially if the crowd isn't very responsive and you don't get any vibes from them."

"Yeah. And I don't like feeling like this on stage. You see, Bono helped me a lot with this because he feels exactly the same."

"I think all performers do."

"Yeah. And he was like telling me that I needed strength to go on stage and perform, and he helped me find ways to find that strength within myself, and I know I have it in me... but there were some nights during the tour when the pressure was really difficult to handle."

"So that's the reason why you decided to go crazy?"

"Yeah, I guess," I chuckled.

He nodded,

"How did it work out for you?"

I shrugged,

"Well, everything did stop."

He raised his eyebrows,

"And you might have lost the love of your life in the process."

I didn't say anything. He was right.

"You've lost yourself in the thrill of it all, haven't you? It's actually the name of my new album."

"The thrill of it all, uh?"

"Yeah. Makes you do stupid things."

"It sure does."

"Haven't you had enough yet?"

I looked at him with a smirk,

"Yeah. I kinda have."

He pursed his lips and said,

"I've made a bet with my manager that I'm not gonna drink to Christmas eve."

I frowned,

"Have you?" I asked. "You don't consider what you did tonight as drinking?"

He laughed,

"For God's sake!" he exclaimed, "Tonight was just supposed to be a dinner party with a bunch of forty-year olds for crying out loud. I've gotta keep it under the radar. I don't know what happened!"

I shrugged,

"I happened! Sorry," I half-smiled.

"Yeah, it's partly your doing," he said jokingly.

"What's the bet?" I asked.

"If he loses, he's got to get a tattoo of my choice," he said with a smirk.

I laughed,

"What are you gonna make him get?"

"I think I'm gonna make him get... 'dick whisperer' on his lower back!" he joked.

I laughed,

"Excellent! I need to make a bet like that with my manager.... But you've lost though."

"Yeah, you know what? He doesn't need to know that. I'll blame it on you," he said in a whisper.

He watched me and asked cautiously,

"So, why are you really here in L.A?"

I took a deep breath,

"I came here to go to that place called 'Promises' in Malibu."

"Right!" he said and pursed his lips, "Therapy? I think it's a good idea!"

"Yeah, I dunno," I shrugged. "I haven't walked through the doors yet, but they all want me to go there. Especially Mark."

"Really? See, you've got people who care about you and that's a real chance. You're not alone. That means something."

I smiled.

"I can come with you if you need someone to hold your hand." he joked with a smile.

I just smiled back at him and he said, "Listen, you go to that place 'Promises'. They can really help you understand why you feel the way you feel. You'll be amazed. And when you're feeling better, then you can start thinking about getting him back."

I sighed as I thought of Mark and my heart hurt,

"I miss him so much. I just want him back."

His expression turned sad,

"I wouldn't worry too much about it. I mean, I don't know him that well, but it's obvious that he loves you, I can tell. Whatever's happening right now, I'm sure it's only a minor step back in your relationship. I bet he knows exactly what you're going through and he wants to make sure you're ok. You know, I'm a massive romantic. What you have with him, my god, I want that. You're so lucky. You have to get him back."

"Yeah, I have to! You know, I think you might be able to help me."

"Oh yeah? How? Because so far, all I've done is probably not gonna help!"

"Would you write a song with me?"

"Yeah! Hell yeah!" he exclaimed with his usual cheerfulness. "Writing with you, that's a bigger fantasy for me than what happened in that club."

I smiled.

"Alright. So you should go to "therapy". And then, when you're all better, you call me and I'll write with you. You wanna get him back with a love song, I'm your man!" he exclaimed with a grin.

"Alright!" I smiled.

He smiled back at me and nodded,

"Well, you should probably get back to your hotel. You have to get up early tomorrow. The early bird catches the worm."

We looked at the cab driver. We hadn't paid attention to him during our conversation and he had remained very still and quiet.

"Is he asleep?" I said with a chuckle.

"Oh my god, he's actually sleeping," Sam said and poked him a little but he didn't move. "That is so funny. Should we wake him up?" he laughed.

"Well, yeah. I'd like to get back to my hotel."

"He wants you to stay with me obviously," he joked.

We cracked up and started gently poking him again. It didn't work, he was sleeping deeply.

"I think our conversation bored him to death." I joked. "Jeez, when people start falling asleep listening to you moaning, that's when you know it's time to do something about it!"

Sam couldn't stop laughing and the guy finally woke up and stood straight up in his seat.

"Are you gonna be ok driving, man?" I asked him.

"Yes, yes. I'm fine," he said, as he tried to be more alert, "I'm sorry."

"It's alright," I told him and turned to Sam, still slightly giggling, "Well, goodnight."

"I'll call you in a couple of weeks," he said and I nodded.

Before he got out of the car he leaned closer to me and whispered,

"And let's just never talk about ... you know... like never again!"

I pressed my lips together and shook my head no,

"As if it never happened."