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"You're practically glowing," Meg noticed. "That must have been quite the massage."
"Oh darling, you two have no idea how much I needed that," Nancy self-assuredly stated.
To be continued...
- COMMENTS
Prinzmettleabout 5 years agoIt's just a rehash of everybody's dimensions and Mom's unexplained desire to be fucked after 21 years. And you use words that don't make sense.
*"No offend Leo but" should be "offense".
*"the fact that their monstrosity size" should be "monstrous", or even "immense".
*I'm pretty sure Gook (really?) is a masseur, not a masseuse.
*"beautiful wrinkles soles" should be "wrinkled".
*"but she yield for another man's penis" is meaningless. Try "yearned".
There are others.
Also, you swing from the past tense to the present all the time, even within the same sentence. Generally, the past tense is a better choice.
As I have said before, an editor or even spell-check would be very helpful.
Kalleroover 6 years agoI also would really like to see DJ fuck Ariel. Maybe they even begin fooling around behind everyone's back and DJ has to prevent Meg from finding out? Even better, DJ and Ariel eventually get caught by Meg, and it turns into a three-way.
It's your story and you can do what you want, but as a fan, I can't think of anything hotter than cute, innocent Ariel getting deflowered by an unemployed bum. Something about the contrast between those two characters is incredibly hot to think about.
KingofGrandover 6 years agoI can appreciate wanting to tell a story a certain way but the first chapter seemed largely uneventful and this one started out promising but I hoped to see a continuation between DJ and Ariel.
I know you got this already from others, my point is that there should be some indication of where the Ariel/Nancy/Meg gym scene takes place for context as to why we aren't getting a continuation between Ariel and DJ
TLMorganover 6 years agoAuthorFirst off, why do you guys hide your names??? I was talking to the anonymous person that complained about why I didn't follow up with DJ and Ariel. I didn't want to at this time and I don't need to explain it. Complaining about why I didn't follow up to that situation is not criticism. Trying to tell me how to write is not criticism. If he or anyone else feel like they can do better, than go for it. I have a following that enjoys my stories. I'm not looking to please everyone. I enjoy writing. An idea comes into my head and I have the urge to write it out so I can do whatever the fuck I want with my stories... Don't like it, tough shit.
Anonymousover 6 years agoYou should take criticism more maturely than that. That guy had a legitimate complaint, but you just wrote him off as though the truth doesn't matter when it offends you.
You have to stop burying your head in the sand when someone points out the flaws in your writing if you ever want to grow in this field.
