Unforgettable Fire: 10 Years After

The only lights illuminating the garden were coming from the street lamps. Goosebumps rose all over my skin, and I ran my hands up and down my arms trying to create some heat through the friction.

What a stupid idea. Go out into a bloody mini jungle in the cold of a January night, without a coat, to reminisce old boyfriends gone wrong. I had already made up my mind to go home when I heard a shuffling noise. I froze instantly.

Was someone else out there too?

As curiosity would have it I went looking for the source of the noise. I went in deeper into the little garden that didn't seem to be as little as I thought. More and more plants came into my view. It was like a jungle in there. I pushed huge green leaves out of my way and I came into a clearing. There was a fountain in the middle of it. I noticed what looked like a bench behind the fountain so I went straight for it. I circled the fountain and just when the little white bench came into view I saw him sitting there.

"Ow. Twice in one night. Are you sure you're not following me?" Finn's voice didn't show much of an emotion. If anything it sounded ironic and dry.

I froze.

Fuck.

I couldn't believe that was happening.

He was sitting right in the middle of the little bench occupying almost all of it with his tall, lean body.

"Why are you here?" I blurted out what a knew to be a stupid question as soon as the words left my mouth.

He tilted his head in my direction slowly, and said "I wanted some fresh air." in a tone that suggest he didn't think I had the right to ask him anything.

He put his hands inside the pockets of his huge and warm coat. As if suddenly self-conscious I shivered and crossed my arms over my chest.

God, he looked warm. He was warm.

"Are you cold?" His question should have been a rhetorical one.

Obviously, I was cold out there on that dress with no coat on.

"Yes." I answered flatly.

"Then why didn't you bring a coat?" The way he said it just made me feel like an idiot and the expression on his face made me sure I was one. It was smugness all over.

As annoyed as I was beginning to feel, something warm settled in the bottom of my stomach when I registered an expression that wasn't in the neighbourhood of coldness and indifference on his face.

"I didn't think of it." I replied in a small voice.

Finn shook his head slightly and got up to his feet. He took two steps towards me and I stepped back reflexively. He eyed me with an expression that said 'Really?' and then he took his black coat off and dropped it over my shoulders. I went rigid at his unexpected action. I felt the weight of it over me and felt better immediately. It was so warm and big, it could fit two of me inside of it.

"Take my coat or you'll get a cold or freeze to death." Nothing in the way he spoke hinted at special treatment. No, he would have given his coat to any cold stupid lady who'd have walked in here all arms and breasts exposed.

Still it made me happy he'd give it to me of all people. In the few minutes we had been around each other I could tell he still hadn't forgiven me. He still resented me and blamed me for something I still knew, today, it wasn't my fault, even though I still felt guilty about the whole thing.

"Thank you." It was a whisper, barely audible.

The coat was imbued with his warmth. It dawned on me that a few seconds ago that coat had been over his shoulders, touching his back, absorbing his scent. I sat down on the little bench and slumped beneath his coat, smelling his scent on it.

When I looked up at him, Finn was eyeing me with an arched brow, not ignorant to the fact I had been sniffling his coat.

I didn't know what I expected he'd do then. Leave maybe, considering the coldness with which he had treated me when we met earlier. But I certainly did not expected him to sit beside me on the white garden bench. Small as the sitting space was and as big as Finn was, there was no avoiding his arm brushing on mine when he sat down. Even through the heavy fabric of his coat I could feel my skin electrifying at his touch. He was so close I could feel the heat that emanated from his skin.

"Won't you be cold?" I asked when I realized he was only wearing a gray jacket over his blue dress shirt.

Finn put his hands around his ribs under his jacket.

"No. I'm naturally warm." He said, dismissing me.

"I know." I said smiling to myself at the memory of feeling his warm body under my covers in the mornings. The words came out of my mouth before I could think. The tongue working faster than the brain.

He shifted awkwardly by my side. I had just stepped over a boundary. However intimate we had been once, that was ten years ago now.

"What are you doing out here, Finn?" I asked again, hoping this time I'd have an actual answer. I was amazed to find him out here. He wasn't one for sitting outside in the cold night to watch the stars and think about life.

Somewhere deep inside a little voice kept telling me he was here for the same reason I was. Meeting me had stirred things up for him too, and he just came out to distract himself.

"I just needed a little time to think." He didn't look at me when he answered, his voice soft and calm, as well as honest.

Slowly, he turned his head to look at me. A little bitter smile appeared on his lips. I loved his lips. They had always been so plump and soft, almost like a woman's lips. They were the most sensual lips I'd even seen...or kissed.

"I didn't expect to see you again, Hero." He blurted out and I glanced at him, wide-eyed at this out of the blue confession. "Not ever."

Finn looked down at his feet, the corner of his lips lifted in a shy smile.

I didn't need to tell him how surprised I had been in seeing him again. I thought he'd never come back.

"When did you come back?" It was the question I'd been wanting to ask since the minute I laid eyes on him.

He didn't answer right away, still staring at his feet. "Six months ago."

"Six months!" He turned his face to me when my voice came out too loud and cynic.

Six months. We had been living in the same city again for six months after being in opposite sides of the world for ten years and I didn't have a clue. But I couldn't have known. Nobody currently in my social circle knew about Finn and I. None of my friends, not even my mother. The only person who knew was my best friend, Tessa, who lived in Germany now. Not a soul in this entire city could've told me about him being back.

"Which hospital are you working on?" I asked, after a brief period of silence.

"The Lambeth."

"The Lambeth?!" I scoffed, my voice a mix of incredulity and surprise.

Finn furrowed his brows at my tone of voice and retorted with a cold "Yes."

Somewhere from deep inside me a darker laughter surged. At the same time tears began escaping my eyes. Not tears of laughter; they were tears of bitterness, sadness, and complete amazement at how ridiculously ironic life was.

Turning my tear smeared face at him I noticed his expression was one of angry bewilderment.

I drew my brows together and tilted my head, scrutinizing his face with an obvious lack of subtleness. His hair was cut shorter than it used to be in college. His curls were now almost imperceptible, combed back forcefully with hair gel. His forehead was marked by two thin lines. He was too young for that, I though. But he still had that masculine beautiful face, his jaw and the lines of his face fit to compete with a Roman sculpture, perceptible even under his stubble. My eyes sat on his lips and I let out a shaky breath mingled with a laugh.

Finn shook his head slowly, not knowing what I was about.

"I take the tube at the Brixton Station every day." My tears were as obvious on my voice as they were on my face. "Every single morning at 8 pm."

His eyes went wide, he furrowed his bushy brows in an expression of deep thought and looked away, chuckling.

"I take it at Clapham North Station." His voice was distant and low.

We took the tube on two stations right across from each other. He worked on a hospital twenty blocks away from my house. We could've stumbled upon each other in the street any day. Still, for six months we had been so close, but unaware of each other's presence. He knew I still lived in London but surely he didn't know I lived so close to his working place. It was like a cruel joke from destiny.

Suddenly I felt like I needed to leave, otherwise I'd be sitting there reminiscing the past and cursing life's coincidences for what was left of the night. I didn't want the conversation to deepen. I didn't want him to tell me about his life away, I didn't want to know if he'd found someone, married someone, maybe. I didn't want to have to tell him how fucked up my life had become. But mostly, I didn't want to let him know I sometimes thought about what life would have been like had I stayed with him.

I chuckled darkly again and took his coat off.

"Thank you for your coat." I said, giving it back to him and getting off the bench and up on my feet. "I have to be going now."

Finn didn't look up at me. He just stared down at his coat, his face a blank page.

I allowed myself another minute to look at him, to take on his face before leaving. I didn't know when I'd see him again. I didn't know if I would see him again.

"Bye, Finn. It was fantastic to see you again. It really was."

I waited for him to say something back. Just a 'goodbye' but he didn't. So I turned my back to him and walked back to find the doors that would lead me out.

When I reached the doors I remembered I was barefoot. I found my shoes laying in some corner in the darkness.

With a hand on the wall for support, I bent down and was putting my second shoe on when I heard his voice coming from the darkness.

"Where do you live?"

I jumped at once, pressing my back to the wall. My heart skipping a beat.

"Jesus! Fuck, Finn! You startled me!"

"I'm sorry." In the dim light I couldn't make out his features, but I noticed on his voice he was short of breath. He seemed nervous. "I just...I'm driving. I have a car."

"Ah. Ok." Was he offering me a lift?

"I was just wondering, since you live nearby the hospital, you might be on my way home and I could offer you a lift if you want it." He was speaking fast, nothing like the calm doctor voice he always used.

It was a tempting offer, but a dangerous one, too. The drive home would take thirty minutes, at least. What would we talk about trapped in a compact environment for half an hour?

I wanted to say yes. I wanted with every fibre of my body to say yes and enjoy those extra minutes with him. I'd get to be trapped inside a car with him, his scent all over the place. But then again, we'd have the chance to talk about things I didn't want to know.

"Do you think that would be wise, Finn?" I asked when my brain couldn't decide between saying yes or no.

He sighed, running his hands through his hair and loosening some curls that were stick with hair gel. "I don't know what it would be. That depends on your answer."

I pondered that for a second too long. What was the worst that could happen?

We could dive in the past and stir things up, bring back all that pain and regret from back then so it could join the pain and regret from now. Or, maybe we could talk and set things straight and be rid of ten years of wondering 'what if'.

"Ok. Let's go." I said fast as to not give myself time to change my mind.

He nodded and led me out the garden and back inside the house.

We sneaked out, trying not be seen by his aunt or Mr. Mulinski in order not to give any explanations or chance for speculations as to why we were leaving together.

I retrieved my coat at the entrance and put it on, feeling glad to be warm again. Outside, the wind had gotten meaner and I felt the tip of my nose numb from the walk until I got in Finn's car.

Inside, it was gloriously cosy. Whatever second thoughts I had about accepting his offer vanished away when I felt the heat seeping through my bones.

Finn got in, shifting uncomfortably on his seat.

"Where do you live?" He asked, clearing his throat.

"Oh. Loughborough Park." I replied, nervously.

He turned on the engine and we left.

Five minutes in none of us had said a word.

I had long ago started to feel awkward alone with him in a place that didn't offer me a chance to escape. In my mind I kept replaying the last time we were in a car together. The last time we had been together at all.

Constantly I relived that day, and wondered secretly how different things could have been if one of us had had the guts to make the right decision, then. Whatever the right decision should have been.

Unable to deal with more silence, I opened my mouth to speak at the same time Finn did.

"So, how do you-" I began.

"How have-" Finn's words came out crashing with mine.

We both stopped, our mouths shut again before we both laughed awkwardly. Then we entered a 'you go first' contest, which he won.

"So, my aunt tells me you're married." I gaped at the bluntness of his question. "Yet, I don't see a ring."

He had noticed. He had looked for a ring on my finger.

After the initial shock I smiled quietly. Subtleness was never one of Finn's qualities. He has always been direct and blunt.

"Well, I'm not married." When I spoke I glanced at him, carefully examining his reaction to my answer. "Not anymore, anyway."

He didn't show much of a reaction, his lips just opened to form an "Ah" of understanding, but other than that he just watched the streets ahead.

Quickly he turned his face to me. "What happened?"

Again I smiled at his unmasked curiosity.

"Ah, I-" I began, but stopped, letting out a laugh that sounded much more like a scoff. "He just decided it would be a good idea to shag my nineteen year old intern while still being married to me."

I laughed even harder at Finn's reaction to this. He turned his head in my direction back and forth three times, his normally narrowed eyes were wide as saucers.

"You mean he cheated on you?" I felt as if the corners of my lips could touch my ears by the way he said on you.

Finn laughed a cynical laugh deep in his throat. "Good riddance to you, then."

"Yeah." I agreed.

We fell into silence once more and I felt it was my turn to talk.

"So, what about you?" I was dying to know if he had brought some long legged American girl back home with him, even though I dreaded the answer. I was happily entertaining the idea he had not, otherwise he would not have offered me a lift. But then again it was just a lift, it didn't mean anything.

"Ah, what do you mean? Am I married?" When he asked me this he turned to me with a corner of his lips lifted in an amused smile. My fingers twitched, longing to touch those lips.

"Well, yeah, that too. I mean how was life across the ocean? Did you...meet someone? How was your residency? Just...hum...how have you been since you left m-" I stopped short. On my nervous babbling I was going to say "since you left me". But that was not how he saw things. He had told me the last day he had been together he didn't.

If Finn noticed my slip he didn't let on, he just answered my question casually.

"Well, hum, the residency program was fantastic." I heard his smile on his voice, his eyes looked ahead even though they seemed to be somewhere else as he spoke. "I had the opportunity to work with amazing people. My mentor, Dr. Ehrenberg, she was the head of cardiothoracic surgery there, is the best there is in the field. She took me in as an apprentice and I worked under her for five years. She taught me everything she knew, I got to do surgeries I could never dream of ever doing here. It was the best time of my life." He was enthusiastic as he told me about accomplishing his dream and becoming a heart surgeon.

When he turned to me I saw my favourite smile in whole world. It was that smile, so wide it flashed his teeth, his crooked bottom teeth. I felt my chest tightening. I thought of everything he had just told me. He'd gotten everything he wanted. Finn had wanted to be a heart surgeon his whole life. And now he was.

My face fell and I looked away, out of my window, so he wouldn't notice. To think I wished so badly he hadn't gone away, or that I had not been so damn proud and gone with him. Apparently his life had worked much, much better than mine had this past ten years.

My career was fine. I was a partner at a successful architecture office. I loved my job, but my job was the only thing I had in life right now. It was all I had to love and keep me occupied.

"But, I," I turned my face back to look at him when he continued talking after a pause. "I didn't marry or anything. I mean, of course there were some women, but...just, for some reason I could never make it work with any of them."

There had been some women. Of course there were. He was gorgeous, it had been ten years. What did I expected? That he'd be a celibate?

This time when he spoke I picked up a hint of bitterness and sadness on his voice. Secretly I felt a little happy for not being the only one with a fucked up love life.

"I'm sorry, Finn. But if it is any consolation, marriage it not all that's cracked up to be." I said, sounding apologetic.

"Or perhaps, we haven't met the right people yet." He said carefully.

I laughed, cynical.

He arched an eyebrow at me.

I tilted my head at him. "You're still a romantic, I see."

"And you're still a cynic." He remarked.

"I speak from experience."

"Right, I bet you do." Finn seemed to be distant, lost in thoughts when he said it.

I wanted to ask what he meant by that, but I just kept quiet. None of us spoke again until we stopped at a red light.

"Do you love him?"

"What?"

Finn turned and looked me intently in the eye, he spoke again slowly, his eyes widening, saying each word separately, the way you speak to a child who still can't understand words properly.

"Do.You.Love.Him? Your husband?"

I furrowed my brows, bewildered. Where the fuck was that coming from?

"I don't know." My lips answered him automatically, without the assistance of my brain. I didn't think of an answer, I just spoke it, the truth. I could never lie to him and get away with it, so I didn't even try.

"I'm not sure what I felt for him. I don't think it was love. Not the way I understand it, anyway." What I wanted to say was that I had never loved Lucian the way I had loved him.

Finn nodded, apparently satisfied with my answer. I waited, but he said nothing else.

Why would he ask me such a question? He had been gone for a decade. He came back and never looked for me, and when he saw me he treated me with coldness and indifference and now he was asking questions about my failed marriage and who I was in love with?

"Why did you ask me that, Finn?"

He turned to me, a look of confusion on his brown eyes. He turned back to the road and the back at me again.

"You just don't seem to be very hurt by the end of your marriage." He said matter-of-factly.

I scoffed at him.

Damn him.

He had just cashed back into my life a second ago and was already meddling with my feelings.

"What would you know about what hurts me?" My voice was sharp, my words accusatory. "You have been gone a long time, Finn! You don't know me anymore!"

He laughed an ironic incredulous sound and stopped the car abruptly and our bodies lurched forward. "I don't know you, Hero!" He turned to me, furious all of a sudden. The skin on his face was crimson under the dim street lights penetrating the car. "If anybody in this world knows you that is me!" He hit a finger repeatedly to his chest when he said this.

Warm tears ran down my face and I felt my features contorting into a mask of anger and hurt. I wanted to slap him then. I opened my mouth but found I had not the air nor the words necessary to speak. I breathed in and out deeply and loudly through my mouth. My chest hurt with all the things trapped inside. Ten years of unsaid words.