All Comments on 'Unwilling Ch. 01'

write more please!! make it more longer!

read this story y'all...

this story is so much different from some of the stories i have read...

Lovely

Lots of love

*L*

I LOVE this story!!! Hurry up with the next chapter and do it now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It has everything, i REALLY liked the slappping part! <3 love you for making this story!

I loved this, first werewolf story I've read in a while that held my interest. Anxiously awaiting the new chapter.

Keep it coming!!! :o) Love this start.

leaves us begging foe more :3 chu

This *is* completely different from anything else, and I'm loving it. It takes nerve to go against the grain, and you did a great job all the way around. :)

I never understood why people decide to set their story in a real life location if they're completely unwilling to do any research about it. You could have just made up a city for your story to take place in, and it would have been better for it.

Some problems I noticed upon the first read through:

- Seattle Pacific University does not have a rugby team. At first I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt that maybe you meant American football (I doubt very many universities in the US have rugby teams), but SPU doesn't have a football team either!

- SPU doesn't have a men's gymnastics team

- There is no bar in Seattle by the name of Triumph

- I'm fairly certain there aren't any guided tours at Mt. Rainier National Park, but okay, let's assume there are. They often hire people to work from May to late September, as that is peak tourist season. SPU begins its academic year in... late September. Darwin would have finished his employement there by the time classes started.

- Mt. Rainier National Park is, at best, a two hour drive away from SPU. They really couldn't find anyplace closer to work??

I'm sorry if this seems nitpicky, but I live in Seattle, and it really bothers me when people have such a complete lack of interest in portraying Seattle, instead of Some-City-I-Made-Up-That-Happens-To-Be-Called-Seattle.

hey anon,

I do agree with what you are trying to tell us here. But dude... You could've sent a private message to the author and who knows meta would've edited the chapter and re submitted it. But the way you put it forward... I dunno i might've lost a little bit of interest in the story eversince...

Your vivid descriptions, particularly of characters and their complex, often contrary feelings, just grab me. What a wonderfully realized world you've created!

Hey!

Sorry if I've offended you with using Seattle in this way, but did you honestly google for a bar named "Triumph" in Seattle? :D I'll consider rewriting it, but you do realize that it is kind of a fantasy story, right? If you've got further suggestions for me, you can send me private feedback. I'd appreciate it!

I love that you gave a hearfelt n complex beginning to this story that actually has more of a real life start to a new n budding relationship. Keep up the great work. This is one of the best realistic starts to a favorite story section of mine!!!! You. N nomoretears are wonderful....don't ever stop writing u both have a true and abiding gift that should continue to be shared by all!!!!!!

next chapter soon please! :D

Anon got a bit passionate there. Lol. Though I do kinda agree with the last point he/she made but it's not a huge deal.

I'm from Washington ( Lacey-Olympia not Seattle) and I always think it's awesome when WA (or in this case Seattle) is the backdrop for a story. :D

Continue. Continue. Continue.

I don't normally enter into comments with anon's because if you haven't got the decency to put your name to a comment why bother. So SPU doesn't have a rugby team huh okay well I'm pretty sure there isn't a platform 9 3/4 in any station in London but it worked for JK Rowling ( HArry Potter) just in case you really are uneducated I'm fairly sure Christone Feehans Carpthians aren't real but the mountains they live in are. So SPU had no rugby team well I'm going out on a limb here but I'm pretty sure it doesn't have werewolves either. Once you've recovered from your moan go look up FICTION in a dictionary and stop moaning about good decent stories!

Thank you Metajinx for this wonderful tale.

I like the characters and plot development. As for the nitpicker complaining about the use of Seattle, really? Seriously, that is what you chose to criticize about such a well-written story? Its about werewolves, a fantasy, you could argue that its an alternate universe, not that I find it necessary to do so. And in this alternate world rugby is king in the US, not football. As for traveling 2 hours to go to work, my hubby does it every day because he loves his job. Going back on topic, changing the circumstances to suit the story, its called creative license. And lastly, there are so many poorly written stories availble and you chose this well-written story to pick on? Please cut the author some slack.

Next chapter please and also let Harry find someone too he is adorable and great and loyal friend

Wonderful read, drew me in and kept my interest. I will now go back and read your prior stories. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us. Good luck with chapter 2, i eagerly await that post.

J~

p.s Anon you really need to get life. Its called fiction for a reason. LOL, ridiculous.

lots of things happened from yesterday till today..

The problem with anon critique commentators is that they rarely come back to the comments page and look at what people have to say to them (excepting a few...)..

So no matter what we react back, either they will:

1. Not ever see it because they never revisit.

2. Will call us immature for not taking criticism well.

So nevertheless its a win win situation for them.

But for the author, its a time period where in he/she will find out how well the story has been recieved and how people love them.

All in all... you rock metajinx.

*L*

Your story had me stroking my cock with one hand and caressing my balls with the other.I shot such a thick load of cum everyplace...Thanks

Loved it waiting now rather impatiently for ch.2 hope you post it soon

This was a lovely beginning; though I think instant hate thinly veiling attraction and lust at first sight isn't really a 180 from a lot of were fiction. True, they don't become a couple right away, but there are plenty of paranormal/were stories that develop this same way. Mine tend to, but things rarely become happy go lucky; I don't know if you'd include my story in your story arc protest or not, lol. You make your characters very vivid and definitely drew me as a reader into their personalities and lives. If you had more I would definitely be reading on; I hope you post more soon.

I do believe in constructive critiques, though, and I'm going to make a comment that others might object to based on their response to the Seattle resident. You have one major plot flaw that I can see. A great part of the events and relationship that can develop between Darwin and Jared hinges upon whether or not Jared is an Alpha. Now, we know it is likely because of Jared's thoughts about how he made things difficult for his family in the old pack, but I was confused in a major way because during the shower scene you describe Jared as an alpha twice from Darwin's POV as well.

If the separation between the two is that distinct, but their scents don't immediately indicate things, those descriptions should be dominant, not alpha. Otherwise the conversation makes no sense in the forest scene between Darwin and Harry. You might also check out a handy guide for dialogue punctuation I found; it took me forever to figure it out myself, but this download is very easy to understand. Google 'Punctuating Dialogue and Direct Quotations', I thought it was the best of all the tip sites I found for that subject.

Those two issues and lack of research aside, your story is well written, and I enjoyed it. I hope you post the next chapter soon.

A lovely turn of phrase. I adore the plot- some mystery, a touch of psychology and a showerfull of lust. On to chapter two.

But please, let's ban the "literally," literally.

I am kinda wondering about your fight against the typical automatic attraction b/c it is clear that both of these guys were automatically attracted to one another. They both couldn't get each other out of their minds and Jarad is ready to claim Darwin and Darwin is thinking he is falling in love. So, I have to perceive this as being the same kind of instant attraction. The difference is Darwin is rejecting it out of fear. I will look forward to seeing how you develop the relationship and if you make it more difficult for them to come together. Either way, whether you stick to your rebellion or not :) I like the story. I like how you go into the behavior deeper than many and describe certain behaviors as being dominant or submissive. I liked how Jarad figured out he was submissive right away by him turning his back. I also think Darwin loses his battle to portray a dominant around Jarad. I think the scene in the shower definitely didn't portray him as anything but submissive. I can understand why he is unsure if Jarad is an alpha b/c Jarad is adapting his behavior to act human and he seems to pull back with Darwin. Have to wonder how his alpha he speaks of doesn't figure it out. And if he thinks he is dominant, why is he hurting him? I would also like to know if Darwin has escaped the alpha at the college or is he still being abused? I really like Harry. I love how he is there for Darwin who does seem troubled.

I'd really like for you to go into more detail about their backgrounds. I would like to know more about Jarad 'loving his family to pieces'. Did jarad have to report his being there to the seattle alpha? I also would like to know how long Darwin was in this pack, is his family there and I'd like you to describe some more what he did to portray a more dominant wolf in the pack.

Keep writing. I think it is a great beginning and I like that you want to change things up b/c it can get old having the same old formula.

It is great to get so much feedback to my story! I'm half-way through the second part, and I'll be fixing some glitches in the first part you mentioned.

U r truly a awesome writer. I understand what some of the others are saying but I want to point out the fact that there r actualy quite a lot of universities (at least where i live which is in the midwest) that have rugby teams. I think that ur writing is wonderful and u could easily post ur story right after u finish it. Ur editor probably didnt do much and u might even be better without. Second guessing urself is never a good idea.

To Anon: back off. If metajinx's use of SPU, Seattle and Mt. Ranier bothers you, don't read, but be nice.

Love the tension between Jared and Darwin based on a simple misunderstanding. Love Harry's loyalty and friendship. Love the alpha/dominant explanation. Love the whole story.

We have the usual dominant/submissive fantasy elements, but I like your twist: instead of the hero denying he's submissive, he knows who and what he is but there's his Alpha and pack standing in the way. It's a good start, because every story needs obstacles for heroes to overcome, but I'm foreseeing some issues with your set-up:

1. If dominants need submissives like air or water (your words), why would Darwin be in danger? Presumably there are then plenty of dominants and submissives in relatively equal numbers. If it's that natural, why would it be such an issue?

2. Why isn't Darwin safe even in the safe haven of the university?

I guess everything can be sorted out when we learn more about Darwin's adopted family and pack. Presumably he was adopted into some "royal" family and forced to keep up appearances. I guess we'll also get the conflict between Jared and the Alpha at some point.

In the meantime, I just have to wonder about gymnastics and rugby as extracurriculars for a story set in Washington state. It's true rugby is not quite as heinously unpopular in the Western U.S, but both are unlikely team sports.

Still, good chemistry between these two, a promising start. And everyone loves werewolves and vampires these days :)

Great beginning to the story, when's the next part due?

The next part is already done, my lovely editor is fighting my bad grammar right now ;) Shouldn't be more than a few days until I can put it online.

Cleaned up, fixed up, did it well. i am assuming that Jared and Darwin are about the same age, and yet, Jared refers to Darwin as if he's much older.

Sorry, I meant that Jared treats Darwin as younger. Darwin is what- 19? And Jared should be a freshman.

how do i follow this story so i dont miss the next chapter?

I can't wait for the next part. Hopefully soon? I see it's been awhile.

o thats a good read whens the sex getting going

I have read a lot of sub-par stories on this site with limited plots and unfortunate grammar. This story was wonderful and the fact you wrote it in a second language is very impressive!

Thanks for sharing your gift with us.

Yeah, I agree with you, love-at-first-sight is really boring sometimes!!!!!!!

This is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you had me ay your opening discontent, and now i can think of little else. a wold story with actual teeth and guts not soppy puppy eyes. how exciting! i look forwards to the rest....well there goes my evening

Sorry, but as an AUSTRALIAN we do NOT go throwing boomerangs around all the time, its just not something we do, especially in another country, its a part of ABORIGINAL heritage and has meaning to them, so YES do RESEARCH what you're writing BEFORE you even come out and say its a fantasy, since you yourself are from AUSTRIA.

Hi Metajinx

You asked for criticism, so here it comes:

Check that you’re using the right word:

• “since his appliance to Banes Central University” - that’s “application”, not “appliance”;

• “he had gotten a rugby scholarship” - avoid “gotten” - most English-speaking countries don’t accept it as a word. Try “he’d been awarded a rugby scholarship”;

• “he had literally loved his family into pieces” - “literally” means just that - if he’d “literally” loved them to pieces, they’d have BEEN in pieces (i.e. shredded, no longer whole, dead) and I don’t think that’s quite what you mean; and later -

• “Darwin had literally tasted the salty tang of the hunk's pre-cum on his tongue just from looking at him.” Again, don’t use “literally” when you LITERALLY mean the opposite of “literally”!;

• “stirring wheel” - that’s “steering wheel”, the wheel that you steer with. Stirring is what you do to dissolve sugar in a cup of coffee;

• “He was about 5'9'', slim and lanky” - “lanky” means tall and slender, with an implication of slight gawkiness - a man of 5’9” is of average height;

• “Harry didn't know the whole extent of it all, only censured bits and pieces” - that’s “censored”, i.e. parts of the story have been suppressed. “Censuring” is a formal expression of disapproval.

Avoid cliche:

• the Australian girl throwing a boomerang?;

• his instant “dominance” issue. You’re trying to avoid the cliched “instant mating” thing in on-line “were” stories, but you’ve succumbed to another cliche - NO animal in the natural world is as dominance-obsessed as werewolves in online stories. It’s anti-survival. Animals are only that stupid about dominance when they’re in rut, which is only a few days a year. Animals that don’t go into rut have to find more complex, refined, multilayered ways of determining and establishing social status. Research this if you want to write more about werewolves - try to ground your story in ethology.

When you refer to “submissive”, do you mean sexually submissive, simply (no more or less than) being a “bottom”, or “submissive” in terms of social hierarchy? You seem to be jumping between these different meanings, which makes it difficult for the reader to piece together the nuances of your characters.

Your description of the distinction between alphas and dominant werewolves doesn’t quite work. Yes, werewolves are mythical creatures, but they’re still mammals. Research animal behaviour, specifically wolf and dog behaviour, then see how you can make these hierarchies more believable.

I like Darwin.

:-)

I thought you said this story was going to be different from the rest " No instant attraction, No instant - you've found my mate- " .. You've failed to do both, They both want each other... I was expecting something much more appealing. Your story is entertaining yes, sadly it is like the rest of em.

You ask for a crit, so . . .

"Ever since his appliance to Banes Central University had been accepted, and he had gotten a rugby scholarship . . ."

"Appliance" should be "application".

As a matter of style, try to avoid "had gotten" (it's almost always possible to do so) - "he'd been given a rugby scholarship" works better - or "had received a rugby scholarship". There are a multitude of other synonyms available, depending on context. "Had gotten" sounds ugly, harsh and uneducated to everyone but American readers.

Overall, your stories are nicely written - thanks.

This was a great read, and you’re a very good writer, thank you for sharing this!