Ursula’s Return to Granity

They sat down outside the coffee house.

"You're all right, do you know that," Ruben said, opening his billfold and extracting a bill.

"I believe you have something against my face and tits?"

Ruben's face turned red. Did I say tits rather than breasts to that cop?"

"Apparently."

"I apologize and can say away from the stress of that cop shop both features look admirably from where I'm sitting."

"That's better. Thank you. My father Steven Johansson gave me the impression you behaved gentlemanly."

Ruben looked slightly embarrassed. "Steven tends to only see me when he visits dad when mom is around. I'm on my best behavior when she's nearby because if I'm not she yanks one of my ears."

"Oooh assault."

"Or effective parenting. My behavior with women is usually exemplary as a result of my mother's training and that's why most of my clients are females -- her age and older."

"So why was I abused?"

"I was caught left-footed. I was expecting a real attorney."

"Then find yourself this so-called real attorney Mr Agnew. I do not require coffee thank you. Good day."

"Hey wait."

Angry and losing it, Ursula turned and gave him 'the fingers'. She felt pleased her uncouth client looked shocked and wondered what her exhibition made her."

At the office she called on Dave Parker, who weighed in a 220lbs and sweated excessively.

"Hi babe, sorting out law in the city?"

"Dave, I need a favor. An angry young man will be arriving shortly to apologize. He doesn't like my face and my tits and wants a real attorney."

"Want me to mash him?"

"Don't you dare touch him. I'll ask Mrs Matheson to bring him to you, saying I've transferred his case to you. I want you to be repulsive to him, sweating, passing wind if you can and saying he'll probably get five years, perhaps more because you are not experienced in that kind of case because you specialize in embezzlements. Then when he is climbing up the wall you ask if he lacks confidence in you and after the tirade you say you'll take him to one of the best attorneys..."

"...in the business and lead him to you. Brilliant Ursula. The guy will see you in a new light and will be ready to lick your shoes and jump into bed with you. Oh, he's your client."

"No, his family are dad's clients. Dad though the guy is good looking and a gentleman. He could be but is under stress over this using excessive force charge so needs sorting out. You're the man Dave."

"Thank you. That means you owe me one. I'll wait until I get a skinny, belly-aching dame with few teeth and halitosis and transfer her to you."

"Thank you Dave. You are one of nature's gentlemen."

Dave knocked at Ursula's door and entered with the gaping Mr Agnew. "This guy is going round in circles. He wants the best attorney for his situation so he has to come back to you."

Ursula sighed. "Oh well, thank you Dave. Come in Mr Agnew. Take a seat and behave."

As soon as Dave closed the door, Ursula said, "This complainant against you probably had assault and theft charges against him. I already have an investigator on to it. A judge will resist taking the guy's background into account, preferring to deal with the facts of the present case as presented to him in isolation. So we don't want this to go to court. I'll make a big wall chart of the slime ball's charges that he's managed to weasel out of in the past because of so-called 'insufficient evidence' which usually means the cops were too busy or too lazy to gather incriminating evidence, and then I have a meeting with this slime ball with my investigator ready to deal with him if he gets out of hand. I'll tell the guy in no uncertain terms that I will personally investigate each one of those dropped charges, gathering the evidence, and by the time I've finished I'll have those unsolved crime cases reopened and he'll probably be put away for at least ten years because judges don't like slime balls who've weaseled out of punishment for their crimes."

"Can you do that?"

"Yes, because they are real unsolved crimes. The slime ball won't know it's too expensive for me to sniff them out to build up a convincing case, not that I'd be able to do that in all instances because witnesses leave town or die or will be in jail. But he'd get the message in no uncertain terms and will go to the police and withdraw his accusation against you, saying he over-reacted in the heat of the moment and has apologized to you and will show the sergeant the receipt confirming he's has since paid the store for the easel."

"Jesus, impressive but complicated. Wouldn't it be easier to just have him disappear?"

"We are attorneys, Mr Agnew, not criminals."

"Sorry, I was just voicing an improper thought."

"Thank you Mr Agnew. That is all."

"When will I see you again?"

"We cannot have sex until I am no longer representing you."

Ruben looked surprised. "No I meant in respect of my case?"

"Sorry, I was just voicing an improper thought. I'll be in touch."

A slightly dazed Ruben Agnew left Ursula's office.

* * *

The perplexed Ruben sat with his mom Maria and told her about Ursula. She nodded several times, and he found that encouraging. It wasn't often the 32-year-old who lived at home had to seek advice from his mother these days but his attorney...he just could get his mind around her.

When he finished, not that there was much for him to tell, she said, "You always had a tendency to lose it under stress" and added, "Tell me about her."

"Well she's about thirty, as tall as I am, with dark hair and dark flashing eyes that change from merriment to ball-breaking intensity but I rather thinks she has a strong fun steak. Her jaw is firm, teeth are fabulous and most guys I know would call her beautiful."

"And you?"

"Um, she is beautiful. She's not skinny. I'd say more like lean like a young cat."

"More like a tigress?"

"Yeah. She got mad at me for being uncompromising and I thought for a moment she was going to thump me."

"Are you sure?"

"I guess no. She was focused and in complete control. It must have been her look. Um, fierce. She slims out at the waist perfectly (Ruben thought he'd not mention the tits) and out again to what I'd think was a gym hardened butt and I'm thinking great legs although I didn't get a look at them."

"I see. Why did you miss out the breasts? You are always going on about women's breasts."

"I...er."

"I asked you a question Ruben."

"They're as good as they get mom. They look terrific."

"But she's given you the impression you can look at them as much as you like but that's it?"

"Well no mom and this is why I'm talking to you. She has all this aggression and has treated me like a guy not in control of himself fully..."

"I wonder what gave her that impression?"

"Awe mom, be kind. Well it was the most amazing thing. She came right out with it and said, "We cannot have sex until I am no longer representing you."

"Good heavens."

"Well it almost floored me, I'm telling you. But when I virtually queried what's she'd just said -- it was a rather complicated session in our conversation -- she just said looking straight at me and smiling with the face of an innocence, "Sorry, I just voiced improper thoughts. What do you make of her mom, sight unseen?"

"Well, for one thing she'd not like your usual bunnies who turn over for you as soon as you pat their butt. She sounds intelligent, used to handling men and will be good at her job and anything she does. Son, for the first time in your life you have come face-to-face with a real women other than your mom and two aunts. If you feel you can manage her, date her."

Ruben bowed his head and his mother asked him what was the matter. He replied she wouldn't date him because she'd only seen him at his worst.

"Did you see her admiring your physical appearance?"

"Mom."

"Answer me."

"Yes and I think she almost licked her lips."

"How on earth can you think that?"

"I was trying not to stare at her tits, I mean her breasts, so was looking at her mouth."

Ruben's mom smiled encouragingly. "Call the florist and send her flowers. Have nothing else written on the card but 'Thank you. Ruben.'

"But I'd like to say something like I found her fascinating and was so impressed by her."

"It's the job of the flowers to say that son. Don't penny pinch on them."

The assistant receptionist Barbara Ross entered Ursula's office almost hidden behind a bouquet of flowers.

"Miss Johansson. These are just a dream."

"Who are they from Barbara?"

Barbara made a show of not having read the card at the front desk. She dug for it and said, "It says, 'Thank you. Ruben'. He's your new client. Why would he send flowers when he knows you'll bill him heavily."

"Because he wants to lay me. Why else would he send me flowers?"

"This is unbelievable. Miss Johansson, could you take time out sometime to tell me about men."

"Of course. Come in with coffee at 3:30 and we'll have a session, confidential to you okay?"

"Oh yes Miss Johansson."

Ursula called Ruben and thanked him for the flowers and said that was unnecessary extravagance. "Perhaps I should date you."

"Perhaps?"

"Well it's polite to wait to be asked. I though the movie 'Barney's Law' tonight and dinner afterwards sounds appealing."

"Ursula, let's do that, please.'

"Oh, what a lovely suggestion Ruben. I'll meet you in the bar of the Mercury Cinema at 7:00. The movie starts at 7:45 -- I know because I was going tonight anyway. We have made progress with that petty criminal of yours. My PA is doing the wall chart now. I intend to confront him in the sleazy bar where my investigator tells me he hangs out most nights, probably planning further crime. I'd like to take you along but that would antagonize him."

Two days later the police called Ruben to advise the complaint against him had been withdrawn. The complainant had shown he'd since paid for the easel. Ruben called Ursula to thank her. He asked why hadn't she told him the location of the sleazy bar.

"What, and have you visit and mug our petty criminal as he was leaving? I decided to protect you from yourself Ruben. Now please advise me you are no longer my client."

"Correct, I have no further use of you."

"Ruben, would you care to rephrase that response?"

"Yeah, you are no longer required to serve as my attorney unless you want me to be transferred from your father's books? He has represented our family for years."

"No, that's fine. Would you come to my wee apartment for dinner tonight and stay over?"

"What?"

"Oh dear."

"You mean sleep with you?"

"Yes, but you will interfere with me won't you...several times and at length."

"Yes, I suppose so."

"Oh Ruben, your enthusiasm and eloquence leaves me uninspired."

"Don't be like that Ursula. I can't wait to flip your tits out to see how far down they hang and do press my fingers into that hard butt of yours. Every night for three weeks I've..."

"That's enough Ruben. You've now gotten me over-heating. You know where I live...7:00 and we'll start by you undressing me. We'll eat nude."

From then on it was all plain sailing for Ursula.

Ruben had never found a woman who could fuck so well and be even better than his mother at handling him through his hot flushes, so proposed.

Ursula because the managing partner and her biggest client was the City Council that had been absolutely floored she when she with just her chief personal assistantwent up against against its internal attorneys and two consultants and won an out-of-court settlement for Evan Simpson for $730,000. Ursula agreed to head the team from her firm acting as the council's new legal consultants.

She was pregnant when she married Ruben two and a half years later and told him that news when they were on their honeymoon. Her two best friends were her stepmother Felicity and her chief PA Carol who under Ursula's patronage had gained paralegal certification. Carol was chief bridesmaid and Felicity was matron of honor.

All in all, Ursula had good reason for being happy that she'd returned to Granity to settle down. Ruben gave her a beautiful gold and silver chocker as a wedding gift and Ursula gave him a Harley, same model as hers.

THE END