Waiting

This time I was the one who moved away, unable to stay in the same town with a man I was destined to never have...but always love. I had come to accept that what had happened on that kitchen table so many years ago would never have happened without me feeling a wealth of emotion for the man. If I had been free, I could have acted on it, but at the time I had been Dan's girl. It still galled me to have done what I did, but I couldn't get the memories of TJ out of my head, or out of my heart.

I settled in Wisconsin, and once again threw myself into work. My designs had already made a name for themselves, and the city of Madison warmly opened her doors and invited me in. In little time my business was booming, especially in the new condos that seemed to be going up all around the lakes. I kept busy, declining dates, staying home and nursing my broken heart instead. Life became a routine of work and walks on the shore, reading until wee hours of the morning, and trying not to wonder what TJ was doing now.

It came as no great surprise when, on a rare visit back home, Dan told me that TJ's wife had given birth. Dan showed me pictures, as proud as any uncle could have been. It was only my quivering lip that gave me away, and had Dan slipping the pictures quickly back into his wallet, cursing under his breath. He apologized for his thoughtlessness, but I just hugged him. I wouldn't begrudge TJ any happiness just because I couldn't have him. I was glad he'd had a baby, and the little girl looked absolutely adorable. My favorite picture was one showing the pride and love on his face as he held his little girl. I asked Dan for a copy of it, and he gave me the picture instead, watching as I traced that face with a trembling fingertip.

Taking a deep breath, I looked up, smiling crookedly at Dan's concern. When he left, I broke down and sobbed into my pillow, the picture clutched in my hand.

Waiting. It seemed like all of my life I'd been waiting. I had waited to find Mr. Right, but the timing was wrong when I found him. Then I'd waited for the ache to go away, wondering if I'd ever see him again. I had waited for his kiss at his wedding, aching for it with all my heart, even as my head screamed at how wrong that was. Then, after the baby picture, I was back to waiting for the ache to go away again. And now I was waiting for him to show up, sitting on a cold wooden bench at a municipal park in the early morning chill, waiting to see why he'd called, asking if we could talk.

"You look cold."

I heard his soft, smooth voice behind me, and went all liquid inside. I got up from the bench, but before I could turn around, he was pressed up against me, his heat a welcome relief from the wet damp chill in the air. I moaned, every sense bursting to life at the realization that he was wrapping his arms around me, touching me, holding me, caressing me.

My mind couldn't keep up, and I staggered from one sensation to the next. I felt his hand holding my wrist, the cool of his lips on my neck, the heat of his breath in my ear. I felt him tug me over to the rough wood of the concession stand wall, pressing me face-first against it, his dark, sexy body pressing into me. I felt his hands lift mine over my head before skimming down my sides, brushing the outer slopes of my breasts before curling around my hips as he ground into me, letting me feel his arousal.

I heard noises; hot, wet, whimpering noises, and realized they were coming from me. I felt cool air against my overheated skin, and realized he'd pulled down my jeans and underwear, was spreading my legs and caressing my soft, slippery skin with his fingertips.

Through the ringing in my ears, I heard his beloved voice begging me to let go, go cum for him, to show him how much I missed his touch. My body responded, completely giving myself over to him, to his every want and need and desire, regardless of what my conscience was screeching.

I trembled and gushed, coating him with my pleasure, barely given time to take a breath before I felt his hardness nudging against me, his moans telling me how he enjoyed my wet heat as it surrounded him, welcomed him, enveloped him. His lips caressed my ear, my cheek, nipped at the soft curls of hair at my temple while his throbbing length plundered me, making me peak again and again and again, until my voice crying his name echoed around us, and his passion spilled into me, overflowing onto the ground.

With a soft kiss he turned me in his arms, holding me gently, stroking my back. He fixed our clothing, then led me back to the bench and sat with me, soothing me as I cried. Torn between passion, love, and dismay at having caused him to break his vows, I sobbed against his chest, until finally I lay spent against him, weak and hiccupping.

"TJ," I murmured, gently stroking my fingertips against the ridges of his chest. I'd be content to stay right here forever, if I could. "Why?"

TJ sighed, a deep aching sound that made me whimper in sympathy. He tipped his head back, and I could sense him searching for words that didn't want to be found.

"I needed to," he said at last. "I neededyou."

My breath whined out of me. "You could have had me any time. Whynow?"

His head dropped, and he took a minute to answer. "Because I couldn't keep wondering. I couldn't keep waking up each night and reaching for you, aching for you to be there."

I was confused. "Butshe'sthere."

TJ's bark of laughter was far from humorous. "No, she's not. She's in her bedroom, I'm in mine." He glanced over at me. "She knew going into it that she wasn't you, but she made both of us think it could work anyway. But she says she's tired of fighting it, of fighting me." He ran a hand over the smooth plane of his head. "She wants a divorce."

I reached up and softly stroked his lip where it trembled, feeling my heart break into even smaller pieces. "TJ...." I gulped, trying to work up courage. "Why did you leave that first time?"

He turned to me, eyes burning hot, frustration fiercely sculpting his expression. "You weren't mine. You were Dan's. You were off-limits, and it was all I could do not to throw you down and make you mine every time I saw you. Then, in that dress, with that apron on and your hands busy in the barbeque sauce...." His eyes closed. "There was sunlight coming in through the window, glinting off your hair. And a streak of sauce on your cheek," he remembered. "And I couldn't help it. I tried, but I just couldn't help it," he ended on an agonized whisper, throat tight.

"TJ," I whispered, tears glittering on my lashes. "Make love to me. Please."

He raised his head and looked at me, a cross between fire and frustration. "Why, so you can leave again?"

"Ididn't leave," I exploded, flinging myself from the seat. "You could have had me on that table. You could have taken me right there, and I would willingly have given myself to you. Hell, I wasthrowingmyself at you as it was" I shouted, storming back and forth under the awning.

"And you would have ended up hating yourself, and hating me." He smiled, tiredly. "I couldn't do that."

"So you just walked out?"

"I had to leave," he sighed. "If I had stayed in that room, looking at you without being able to touch you? I'd've lost my damn mind," he growled.

"But then youdidleave," I whimpered. "You moved."

"You broke up with Dan," he countered, glaring at me. "But did you ever once try to find me? No. You were free, but obviously not interested."

"Because you never let me know you wanted me," I whispered, trembling.

"Want you? Want you? How's this for wanting you?" He grabbed my hair and yanked me d own to him, his lips crushing mine. I tasted blood, but more importantly I tasted him. Hot, sexy, spicy and completely out of control.

I shoved his shoulders back and straddled him on the bench. The sun had come up and the grass was beginning to steam as I pulled my sweatshirt off over my head and tossed it somewhere to the side. My breasts bounced under my tank top as I adjusted my thighs over his, and I heard his hiss of approval as my nipples tightened visibly under his stare. Looking into his eyes, I grasped the soft green material of my tank top in my hands and ripped it wide open, baring myself to him.

I hadn't had time to throw on a bra before he called me, and I was very happy for that now, seeing his gaze darken as he slowly reached up to touch me. At the feel of his rough hands on my soft skin, I threw my head back, arching toward him, offering him all of me. His arms snapped around me, his face burrowing between the soft slopes of my breasts, and I trembled and came, soaking my jeans.

Swinging me around, he laid me down on the table at his back, leaning over me and devouring my lips, nipping and sucking and tugging at them. My nails scraped down his back as my breath hitched and stuttered. When his tongue tangled with mine, I surged up, groaning his name, pressing myself unashamedly against him.

And panicked when I felt him start to draw back. Whimpering, I struggled to keep him with me, undulating against him, crying as I felt him lift up. "No, no, no no," I whined.

"Shhh... just for a minute." His soft voice soothed my hair as he leaned back down, and I felt skin on skin along our entire lengths. I choked back a scream of pure pleasure, my teeth nipping along his neck, shoulder, jaw.

"Please, please, please," I whimpered mindlessly, head tossing, eyes fogged with passion.

"Shhh," he whispered again, smoothing my tangled hair back from my face.

"Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me" I chanted, writhing in need.

"No."

I screamed in frustration, trying to push him off of me now. He grabbed my hands and held them above my head.

"I won't fuck you. I want to make love this time," he murmured, watching as shock and pleasure slammed through me.

My eyes slid shut as I moaned, softened, pulled him into me.

"Nuh huh," he said, grasping my chin in his hand. "Look at me. Look right into my eyes. No, don't close them." He stroked my cheek, a caress so soft I could barely feel it. He slid into me then, as our eyes locked together as his body claimed mine. The sweetness of our joining was almost too much to bear. I dug my nails into his back, arching beneath him, his name a soft chant on my lips.

And every time my eyes slipped closed in pleasure, he would remind me to keep them open. Softly, slowly, gently he made love to me, sweet kisses and stirring caresses that tumbled me over the edge of reason and left me limp with pleasure, our eyes locked the entire way.

Waiting. This had been the longest two minutes of my life. I tapped my foot against the tile floor, glaring at the clock on the wall. Tick. Tick. Tick. Ten more seconds. Five. Okay.... I stared at the stick where it lay on the rim of the sink. I watched as my numb fingers curled around it, lifting it, shifting it in the light to where I could read the little window.

The tiled bathroom started to swirl around my head, and I braced myself on the towel rack, staring in shock at the symbol telling me I had about 9 months to find a two-bedroom apartment. A tear trickled down my cheek, and I swallowed a bubble of hysterical laughter. I wondered if I should try to find TJ, but after that one early morning rendezvous, he had disappeared again. Only this time, I knew Dan knew where he was.

I clenched my eyes, biting my lip, letting go of the towel rack to place a gentle hand on my stomach in that age-old tradition of women who've just discovered they're carrying life. I wondered how I would make this work, how Icouldmake this work. Then I reminded myself it was TJ's baby I was carrying...and smiled a bittersweet smile. He had enough issues in his life right now. I didn't want to be another burden to him. If his marriage was going to work out or not, I could have no part of his decision.

Waiting. I gasped as another contraction hit me, mentally counting through the pain, forcing myself to breathe in short little gasps the way I had been taught in birthing class. Dan reached over and held my hand, rubbing the sweaty hair back from my forehead.

"Doing good now, almost ready," chirped the annoying little nurse. I glared at her until Dan squeezed my hand in warning.

I shuddered and whimpered my way through another contraction, pain wracking my body. Dan fed me an ice chip, glancing at the clock and shaking his head when I looked at him, the question plain in my eyes. TJ wasn't coming. I turned my head, trying not to cry. I would have my baby, and that would be a part of TJ that no one else could have. When the doctor came in, I gave her a trembling smile, ready to welcome my baby into the world.

Waiting. I looked at the clock for the tenth time in half as many minutes. Jamie gurgled in his high chair, happily mashing peas into his hair. I had given up on trying to keep him neat and tidy. TJ was going to have to meet his son as he really was, and not all clean and neat like I'd hoped for. I sighed, then smoothed a gentle hand over Jamie's head. He was the light of my life, and my reason for making it through each lonely day.

I checked the clock again, mentally cursing myself for even caring. But I knew better. I knew that my heart, body, and soul would always be TJ's. He was the first thing I thought of in the morning as I raised my head from the cologne-scented sheets, and my last thought at night when I ached to have him hold me and talk about our respective days.

Dan had said that TJ's wife had changed her mind about the divorce. I know I should have wished them well, but a part of me was resentful. She had the man I loved, the family I craved, and the life I would have loved to live. But, I thought, leaning down to rub noses with my baby, she didn't have Jamie – and I wouldn't trade him for anything.

I heard a car door slam, and went to the window. I watched TJ walk up the sidewalk, a world of emotions pouring through me. Taking a deep, bracing breath, I answered the door, praying I would get through the night without crying.

As soon as he saw me, TJ dropped his bag and wrapped me up in his arms, burying his face in my neck. My pulse rate spun out of control, and I clenched my fists against the ache to dig into his back and hold him close. I felt him shudder, and what little ice I'd been able to build around my heart melted.

"Oh God," he whispered against my collarbone, arms tight around my waist.

"TJ?" I said softly, concerned.

He raised his head. "It's over," he said, eyes searching mine.

I was confused. "What's over?" I put both hands on his arms and pushed, but he refused to let me go.

"My divorce." He took a deep breath. "She found out about..." he waved a hand, searching for the words, finally just saying, "us."

"About us?" I felt like I would shatter to a million pieces in the gentlest wind, caught between pleasure and pain.

TJ took my hand, following the gurgles to where Jamie was still mashing peas. As he looked at his son, his eyes went soft and hazy, the smile I loved tilting the corners of his mouth. This was the look I'd cherished in that picture so long ago, and now that look was directed atourbaby.

TJ dropped to his knees, hands braced on the high chair tray. "Hiya, Jamie," he whispered, looking in awe at the baby we'd created.

I was startled. "How did you know his name?"

TJ kept talking and cooing to Jamie, eliciting smiles and giggles and even an offer of peas. Glancing at me now and then, TJ explained how Dan had kept him informed, after storming to his house the night Jamie was born. Finding that TJ had already applied for a divorce had helped cool Dan's anger, but when TJ's wife had discovered the affair and resulting pregnancy, she had suddenly changed her tune, deciding to keep in jealousy what she refused to give up for love.

TJ had talked to his lawyer, who advised him against moving too fast, especially now that she could use the affair and baby as leverage. So while I had waited and wondered and made a life for my little family, TJ had been going through his own hell, trying to carefully extricate himself from a marriage that he admitted was doomed from the start.

All the letters and cards and pictures I'd been sending to Dan had been shared with TJ. "I've followed every step of his life," he said, glancing up at me. Seeing the tears in my eyes, he stood, and pulled me into his arms.

I sighed in pure pleasure, knowing this is where I was meant to be. I felt TJ's fingers lace through mine, and something cold slip over my knuckle. As I looked at him in shock, he lifted our hands and kissed the ring he'd just put there.

"I know it's not much, but if you'll have me, I swear I'll never hurt you again," he vowed, looking deep into my eyes.

Tears of pure joy trickled down my face as I placed hand on each of his dark cheeks, reading the seriousness in his eyes, feeling it in the air. Leaning up, I kissed him again and again, unable to get enough of him.

"I'll take that as a yes?" The hope in his voice made me realize how scared he was that I'd say no.

"YES!" I shouted, laughing as he wrapped me in his arms and spun me around.

When Jamie started whimpering in confusion, TJ plucked him out of the chair and held him between us, all of us together as a family for the first time.

My wait was over.