All Comments on 'Waiting for You'

I really hate this "you" format that is so trendy now. Unless the reader is a woman who wants to get grabbed and fucked the minute she walks through the door, it's not going to work.

Okay, so maybe I wouldn't mind that once or twice, but there are lots of other problems here.

The very first sentence goes from past to present tense and you keep doing that. Choose a tense and stick with it.

" I pause a moment to regulate my breath, "I so needed that" I whisper to you."

"regulate my breath" sounds like something you might hear in an ER. "Catch my breath" might be better. You need a period after "breath" and a comma after "that".

"While I kiss the back of your neck and shoulders, I pull on your bra straps with my teeth." How can he be kissing her and pulling on straps with his teeth at the very same moment? Instead of "while" you should say "after."

"Stil(COMMA)l I really am sorry(PERIOD)"

"I was a little rough on you and I had not given you the attention you deserved. I had the sudden urge to be a little rough on you. Needed to get it out of my system." People don't speak in this formal way when having sex. Are they foreigners speaking English or have they taken a vow not to use contractions?

""I was swollen and slippery just from thinking about coming home to you. My drive home was rather uncomfortable as I was wet with anticipation at the thought of your throbbing cock just waiting for me." More stilted speech saying things no normal woman would ever say, especially post-wild sex.

"taking the earlobe into your mouth as played ran your fingers through my hair," That makes no sense. Better proof reading needed. In fact, you should find an editor who knows basic punctuation and sentence construction because there are too many mistakes here to go over.

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