Water and Stone

I felt happier and more relieved than ever about our friendship. To my annoyance I also detected a tinge of disappointment. As though the closing off of a remote possibility that didn't even make emotional sense was still a loss I was suffering. Male entitlement rearing its ugly head or something.

Well, something was rearing its head. Maybe none of it was directly about Alexa, I thought, shifting uncomfortably. A couple of locked-up parts of me were unexpectedly getting unstuck, and there wasn't anything simple about what connected to what. It was pretty obvious I'd been getting hornier more reliably since I started meeting Alexa, and even if my libido really wasn't directed at her, I liked her and she was the one I was spending time with. And truthfully, I did like her body --

My stomach lurched and my brain ran the other direction. OK, so clearly the hormones were just fucking with me right now. I stood up quickly. A nice, long shower. Some time to really get this out of my system for a while.

I sat back in the tub as it filled, enjoying the gentle spray from the shower. As I stroked myself, I thought again how I missed the big old bathtub. This one was too small. Of course, the old one was a little tight when Lisa had joined me. I imagined her sitting across from me as she sometimes had, our legs stretched out, working to pleasure ourselves as we openly watched each other. In that last year we'd been able to add some fantasy talk, and it had driven us nuts. Some of our best sex had followed those bathtub confessionals.

"Uhhhh," Lisa groaned. She was holding the sprayer right against her clit. "I told you this is how I got my first orgasm, right?"

"Only about ten times," I said with a smile. "You can tell that story again if you want." I sped up in anticipation.

Slowly, Lisa pulled away the sprayer. "You'd like that, wouldn't you." She pushed herself up a little and spread her pussy lips to show me her completely engorged clit. She ran one finger across, shuddering.

She looked into my eyes, grinning devilishly. "You ever thought about Christine?"

"Uh, this is a trap, right?" Of course I'd thought about Lisa's gym buddy Christine. Striking red hair, solid muscles, boobs that drew every man in the room to stare. Or maybe it was just me, always trying not to stare. I felt like an idiot whenever she stopped by.

"Hah! I knew it," she said. "So, there's this nice thing about being a woman," she said. "You can go in the women's locker room without people looking at you funny. And then you can surreptitiously look at your friend because you know you're going to go home and tell you husband about it to drive him nuts. Plus, well, she's good to look at."

She was indeed driving me nuts. I begged her with my eyes. She smiled, staring back at my dick, breathing heavily as she worked on herself.

"Her freckles go right down to her breasts," she finally said. "And those breasts! I think she could make me switch teams. They were so excited to escape from her bra. Like a ridiculous porn slo-mo. And those incredibly pink nipples ... I had the strongest little urge to suck them right there."

Lisa had never done anything with a woman but lately she'd started giving these little snippets of her fantasies, or just constructing them for my benefit. I couldn't get enough.

"And you'll be glad to know," she said. "Plenty of fiery hair down there. Big muscled thighs just pointing your eyes to it, and then the deep pink labia. Whoever said orange and pink don't go together hasn't spent enough time looking at Christine's pussy. I bet she'd look spectacular lowering herself on your dick right here --"

"Oh God, Lisa," I said, and back in my own bathtub I came heavily. I sighed as I finished, savoring the memory of Christine and Lisa's description of her, which I'd probably embellished. A while since I thought about any of that. How had I ever wound up with such an amazing woman? I closed my eyes, and to my pleasure, Lisa was still there, smiling at me.

"You liked that, didn't you," she said. "And you're pretty amazing yourself." To my surprise, I found that I was still hard. This was an unusually solid fantasy of Lisa.

"What do you think Beth does down there?" she asked conversationally. I almost fell out of the fantasy with my shock.

"Probably pretty well shaven, just a little landing strip, " she continued. "Beautiful, black hair, and some kind of cute tattoo just above it. I bet she'd like getting held down the way I do. Teased with your dick until all she wants is that first, deep plunge, and then another, until you're fucking her like she's never had before."

I was rock hard, and Lisa nodded appreciatively before slowly getting up, her whole glorious body unfolding in front of me in the tub. She put one leg up on the side, opening herself in her need for me. I was standing awkwardly, Lisa trying to brace right, and then suddenly I was deep inside of her, looking straight into her eyes. She kissed me desperately, all the while trying to impale herself as hard as she could. The details fuzzed, and maybe it was Beth's pussy I was in now, or some complete stranger. As I came hard for the second time, I even thought I glimpsed a shockingly familiar toothy smile. I drifted in a pleasant stupor.

Finally I stirred to clean myself up and head to bed. I felt great. No guilt, no worries about tomorrow, not even chagrin about Alexa's little cameo. Hormones, I thought. Always making a bigger deal of things than they really are.

The feeling lasted right into my morning. I'd slept as well as I had in a long while, no dreams that I could remember. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I thought I looked a little younger. I knew this mood wouldn't be forever, but I wasn't going to worry about it. I happily paged through my book on the train, and even the prospect of an ordinary workday didn't seem so dreary. And of course there was lunch to look forward to.

I must have had a particularly cheery expression on my face, because Beth actually stopped me when I went by, picking up my smile. She glanced at my book.

"Ooh, I heard that was good. You enjoying it? You look happy."

My heart started to pound. I hadn't really envisioned what it would be like to face her first thing, still vaguely thinking warm thoughts about her pussy ... I coughed in discomfort.

"Uh, yeah, it's great so far. And, you know, love the weather right now." I could feel myself flailing.

Beth mercifully took pity. "Yeah, love this time of year. See you around, Kevin."

I nodded and she disappeared.

The discomfort, awkwardness, all that -- well, that sounded normal, as far as I could remember anyway. But there was a real terror underneath it all, and worst of all: the blankness. Something vital missing. it reminded me too much of those horrible months.

I sighed. Stupid to assume I was just fixed all of a sudden. Unsettled, I sat at my computer. Later this morning was one of the regular meetings I'd scheduled with my current team. I reminded myself of the things I wanted to ask them about, and started to calm down. Work I could still manage just fine.

It was a cooler day than we'd had in a while, and I'd started to figure out which of my work clothes worked best for my lunch walks. I was feeling comfortable, began to hit my stride when I got onto the park path. Before I knew it I was past our bench. Hard to believe that seemed like such an accomplishment the first time. I kept walking, tracing Alexa's route in reverse. Eventually we'd meet, and the serendipity of it was something I'd started looking forward to. Today I realized I was feeling an urge to impress her with how far I'd gotten. Silly, I thought, but it still took effort to slow to a more reasonable speed. This was a new section of the park for me, so I took my time trying to examine everything.

That was how Alexa caught me by surprise for once, as I briefly paused to watch a colorful butterfly making its way around a sprawling wild rose bush. I jumped a little at the light touch on my shoulder, and there she was beside me, grinning as she watched me watch nature.

A bit of the morning's tension immediately melted away. She looked good, relaxed, happy. Back we turned, heading for our bench. We didn't even say a word on the way.

She laughed a little when I took out my leftovers. "I woke up craving that stuff," she said, starting on the first of her usual pair of PB&J sandwiches. "I need to start cooking more."

"I've got more," I said. "Stop by any time. I'll just cook something else if I'm nearing the Zero Leftovers singularity."

She laughed again, and then frowned at something.

I turned to watch the river, but she didn't say anything for a long time.

"I thought I was past this shit," she said with a sigh. I waited some more.

"Dinner was great. You're a fantastic cook and the best company," she said. "I want to just say, sure! I'll stop by. And then I won't, and you'll wonder why, and won't say anything because you're so kind. It has nothing to do with you, or even us spending time together. It's the domesticity. I, I have some bad history there." She broke off with a bitter laugh that made me wince.

A slow anger was starting to set in, at whatever, whoever might have hurt her. Nothing I could do except be company. I took her hand, and she gratefully squeezed back. Finally she sighed.

"I'm not trying to be cryptic, " she said. "I'll eventually be able to get enough of this out so you don't feel like you have to walk on eggshells. This is old history for me, parts of my past I try never to think about. Apparently it's not even past since my brain is just freezing trying to say anything. So, let me make a practical suggestion. When I'm stuck in town I work pretty hard to get myself away somewhere for at least part of every weekend. Want to come this time?"

"... yeah, sure," I said, before I had entirely processed what she'd asked me. Whoa.

"Really? Oh, thank God. Maybe you're starting to guess, but I'm not really me until I have that space. I feel like I can't even hear myself right now, and almost since I've met you I've been worried that you're not really seeing me the right way, not all of me, so I have to get this over with, even if you don't feel like the real me is ..." She coughed and shut her mouth.

"Alexa," I said, "I'm getting a pretty good sense of who you are. I'm sure when I understand you better you'll just be even more beautiful."

She stared at me, frozen, and then burst out crying. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck" she repeated weakly.

Shit. I should have guessed that was the wrong thing to say. I awkwardly reached to give her a hug, and she enfolded me in her arms, burying her face in my hair. What an odd sensation, being hugged by a woman bigger than me. I wasn't processing things properly. I patted her on the back.

Eventually she pulled away from me and tried to compose herself, wiping her face.

"So, so sorry, Kevin," she said. "That was such a wonderful thing you said, and you actually meant it. I guess I'm a little unglued right now."

She looked at the time and sighed. "I'm just going to take the afternoon off. Nothing I'm getting done anyway. I should let you go."

I thought. Only a couple things I really needed to finish up this afternoon. No reason not to take a long lunch break, at least. Our office was relaxed about stuff like that even if I had my routines.

"I'd rather sit here with you a while longer, if you don't mind," I said.

Alexa looked at me tiredly. "OK. Yeah."

After sending a few texts, she leaned back and breathed deeply for a while. I closed my eyes and listened to the slight breeze, some indistinct conversation, a few splashes in the river.

Eventually her voice joined the sound. "Are you still up for spending all that time with me this weekend? I'd suggest putting it off but now I'm just feeling more nervous."

I opened my eyes and looked into hers. "Yeah, it will be fine. Don't assume I'm not an idiot out there. Wherever there is. You'll probably have to babysit me so I don't fall in a volcano or whatever."

That at least got half a laugh. "I'll pick somewhere without a lot of hazards. How are you with an ice axe?"

My incredulous look provoked her first real smile.

"Sorry, Kevin, I couldn't resist. There are some great spots we can just car camp. No one around, maybe a lake, some easy walking if we want. Not all my trips are giant expeditions of conquest."

"That sounds -- really nice, " I said. It did sound nice. Quiet. A different kind from my usual weekend.

"This is good for me," Alexa said. "I don't think I've talked this much to anyone. 'Just friends', sure, but I come with a lot of baggage. At least I know I'll be more relaxed out of the city."

Finally she stretched and stood up. "I need to go do some exercise and clear my head. Talk over plans tomorrow then?"

"Sure," I said. And before I knew it, she was away, Diana running effortlessly through her domain, hunting something only she could see. She was beautiful, and somehow the world had taught her not to believe it.

* * *

I got back to work almost an hour late. Maybe I got a few extra looks from the others, and some more when I stayed late. I really was a creature of habit, I guess. But my bubble of privacy was as much in effect as ever. How had Alexa slipped in so easily?

Santa was unsurprisingly cross with me when I got in from the late train. He'd be even crosser this weekend, but he'd survive. Lisa and I had left him with food for a weekend from time to time. Since I moved here, though --

I frowned. Once. Once in five years that I'd been away even a day. My mother's funeral had been every bit as excruciating as I'd expected, and I'd spent as little time as possible around what was left of my family. My sister and I had always gone our own ways, but I doubted she'd ever really forgive me for leaving her with our mother those last years. I knew it was just the dementia, but my mother's litany of complaints about me keeping her from her grandchildren were nearly too much, even before. She'd asked me the same question again the day after Lisa's death, and something had cracked. Though I'd run from everything, my collapsing family ties were near the top of the list.

One time, for a funeral. No vacations. What kind of life was I living, not to notice that? I sighed and went to the freezer, pulling out another perfectly packaged container of leftovers.

* * *

Slowly my life turned its focus to that weekend. I was used to planning. Groceries, cooking, software projects. Home was predictable, work not so much, but there was a sameness to the process. This was different: a journey into the unknown. I didn't have any gear and was of no use for planning something like this, while it was second nature to Alexa. It surprised me to realize how compelling the mystery was, and I told Alexa she should only talk about things that needed my input in advance, or that I needed to do myself.

She took to the idea happily, and I started to realize the whole affair was taking on the trappings of a truly romantic getaway. I didn't mind, and she seemed to be enjoying it. But practical things showed up.

"Do you want your own tent?" Alexa kept looking at the river as though this was no big deal either way, and probably she wanted it that way.

"Oh," I said. "Huh. Um, can you describe the options a little more specifically?" I had camped a few times: with my cousins, when I was about 9. I suspected adults piled into tents differently.

"I've got a bigger and a smaller tent," she said. "Neither is really small the way people judge these things, because, well, I have to fit in them. The smaller one would fit two tiny people, or one of you quite comfortably. Meaning you can sit up in it. The bigger one is supposed to be for 3 or 4 people, but they always lie. A short person could stand up in it. Mostly I've used it for myself for car camping, or sometimes to share with one person when a group of us would go out in grad school. It's pretty roomy for that."

I tried to imagine sleeping in the same tent with Alexa. Sleepover-style. Friends. It sounded awkward. And nice.

I hedged. "Sharing is OK with you? Regarding, you know, privacy?"

She smiled. "Privacy kind of changes out there. If you need physical distance, you can just walk away, but you can't avoid that deeper sense of shared space when you're with a few people away from society. A separate tent doesn't make as big a difference as you might think. I'm fine either way."

I needed to just tell her my worries directly.

"Alexa," I said, "I'm so excited for this trip. It's turning into this big romantic thing in my head: the adventure, the mystery, the getting-to-know-the-real-you. But that's really what I'm worried about. Are we -- on the same page?"

She thought for a while.

"The truth is," she said slowly, "this is a romantic trip through and through. I love going out on my own. It's important to me for big, personal reasons. I'm in a gigantic romance with the whole natural world, and I'm inviting you into it, something I've never done before. So I'm a little terrified, but there's no way around it if you want to know me."

"All right then," I said. "Terrified, excited, romance. We are in fact on the same page. Let's share the damn tent and keep each other up with spooky stories or whatever it is you do."

She laughed. "We did that in grad school. The terrifying thing in the dark usually turned out to be someone's Ph.D. advisor, moaning about the student's work ethic and their disappointed expectations."

"Ooh, that does sound scary," I said. "Always our own personal demons that are the worst."

We both fell silent at that for a while.

"And that's part of what the outdoors is to me," Alexa said softly. "Where I learned to fight demons. And sometimes even win."

* * *

We were leaving early Saturday morning, getting back sometime the next day. One night was enough for my first time, Alexa had said. The casual implication thrilled me.

I sat on my chair. Small gym bag of clothes and toiletries. A backpack with some snacks and water bottles. Hardly any stuff, it seemed, but Alexa had the gear.

I played with the riddle in my head. A place close enough to be reasonable for just one night. Not that cold based on the kind of clothes she'd suggested. And swimmable water of some sort. Somehow I just couldn't picture Alexa in a swimsuit. It was like I'd carefully disconnected that piece of my brain specifically for her. No problem imagining Beth that way ... anyway. Probably Alexa would turn out to be a champion swimmer on top of everything else.

Guessing our destination was futile, really. Alexa had picked it, so it would probably be obscure and beautiful. Good enough for me.

I heard her pull up, and made a final check. Big hug for Santa, lying on my bed, unaware anything was different yet. Then out the door with my things.

Alexa looked every bit the part. Big sunglasses, baseball cap, and a giant grin. A kind of cute exercise-y shirt. Nice arms. Nice -- well. Time to stop staring and get moving. I dropped my things in the Jeep, then climbed up the unexpectedly high step to the passenger side. The door closed with a loud metallic clang, and we were off.

"I do love your ride," I said.

"Just about the stupidest commuting vehicle, isn't she?" Alexa sighed. "I keep intending to get a second car for in town. But my Vala's taken me so far, and never failed me once. Not that I couldn't fix anyway. Every time I'm stuck in traffic I just close my eyes and imagine we're tearing through the Badlands again. I could just drive off the road and keep going until I disappear. I'm a walking car commercial, aren't I."

"Maybe," I said. "On the other hand, since you actually do drive through the Badlands, very responsibly I'm sure, you're a couple steps up on most of us when it comes to the American Car Dream."