What's Her Name? I Can't Tell You!

"Guilty as charged," James admitted. "I am. And damn tired of apologizing for it."

"Ohhh..." Laura looked contrite. "Okay, that I can believe. But now that you know us, you're going to be friendlier, aren't you?" Without waiting for a response, she leaned in and kissed his cheek.

"I certainly will now," James quipped, drawing a laugh from the others that was loud enough to attract the attention of the entire room. Sarah, who was being chatted up by two of James' fellow freshmen, looked over in search of the source of the laughs. She was pleased to see for the first time that James was present, and even more pleased to see he was looking unusually relaxed. No surprise; he'd obviously had a lot to drink. This only endeared him all the more to Sarah from afar, since even now he was acting the perfect gentleman from what she could see.

She put up with her two new friends' silly flirtations until the quarters game finally broke up and James, along with the others, stood up at last. Overhearing talk of heading back onto campus for the weekly party in the auditorium, Sarah excused herself and joined the exodus to the front hall. Once there, she saw they were only replenishing the beer supply in their pitcher. Laura was still chatting James up; she turned to see Sarah approaching. "Hey, Sarah," she said.

"Sarah!" James looked like a deer caught in the headlights, but he also looked happy to see her. "Hi..."

"You do remember me!" Sarah teased.

"We were just discussing that," Laura said.

"And agreeing that shyness isn't a crime," added Erin.

"Well, of course it isn't," Sarah agreed. "Just that -- sorry, James -- we had a lovely conversation once last semester and you've scarcely said two words to me since then!"

"You remember that!" James made no effort to hide his delight.

"Of course I do!" Sarah took his hand in her free one and gave it an affectionate squeeze. Turning to the other women, she added, "This is what I love about shy guys! Sorry, James, but..."

"No, it's fine," James reassured her. "Listen, I'm sorry I haven't been friendlier with all of you, really! I've just had an awful lot on my mind all this semester, actually."

"Yeah, about that..." Sarah began.

"So are we going to get you to the party on campus tonight?" Laura interrupted. "Now that the ice is broken, you ought to come party with us!"

"I'd love to," James said, too shy to look at Sarah again even now. "You're right, I ought to be getting out more. I wish I'd gone out every weekend last semester, to tell you the truth."

"Why didn't you?" asked Erin.

"Girl trouble," James confessed. "Chasing after someone who wasn't interested. Hope I never make that mistake again!"

"Perfect for you to come out with us, then!" Laura said, failing to notice that Sarah had once again tried to cut in on the conversation. "Someone new will catch your eye."

"Good idea," James said. "I mean, there's someone else I kind of like, but no way is it ever going to happen."

"Not with that attitude it won't!" Laura said. "Why so pessimistic?"

"Way out of my league, that's all."

"You never know if you don't ask," Erin said. "Maybe you'll see her tonight."

James couldn't resist a guilty laugh. "Yeah, maybe I will."

"Let's go, then!" Laura hooked her arm through his, at which point Sarah knew she had no chance of getting a word alone with him. "Sarah, you coming?" she asked.

"Sure," Sarah said, reasoning she might get another chance at James later on in the evening.

As Laura led him down the stairs, James gave Sarah another shy grin. "See you there?" he asked, his heart bursting with hope.

"Of course!" Sarah said.

She did indeed see him later on. But the other women kept him busy on the dance floor, and all his glances at her were fleeting. So her invitation to the Cross Gender Alliance would just have to wait -- or she could ask Michelle or Becca to give him a call. When Sarah finally fell into bed long after midnight, she scribbled down a note reminding herself to ask them.

James was up even later, marveling that Sarah remembered their lovely chat back in December and daydreaming about what that might well allow for. The memory of the welcoming look in her eyes set his imagination on fire with promise, and after tossing and turning for an hour or so, he gave up on sleeping and went to his desk to collect a notebook and pen. As he let his misty images of a quiet, intense evening alone in her room take over, he scribbled out several pages of false starts and rough drafts before finding the right combination of words to capture his longing and hope. With that accomplished, he finally fell asleep not long before sunrise, already planning to show Brandy the poem when they met up that afternoon.

Randy still had his misgivings about getting involved in Eric's prank, but of course he wanted in on the fun. "Haven't you got to tell me what's going on if I'm going to play my part right?" he asked Eric as he followed him and Rachel up the steps to their floor after dinner that night.

"Haven't got to tell you anything," Eric said. "But if you stick around once you get Todd in my room, you'll see what's going on."

"I still don't get it, Eric," Rachel said. "James didn't hurt anyone who wasn't asking for it. Why don't you just leave him alone?"

"Shut up," Eric said, giving her a light shove; Rachel bumped into the wall, not hard enough to hurt but hard enough to be humiliated. "I owe it to my buddies. They didn't do anything to deserve what he did to them."

"He didn't do anything to them!" Rachel insisted. "All he did was tell the truth about what they tried to do to those girls' drinks!"

"It was none of his fuckin' business!" Eric snapped. Having arrived at his door, he unlocked it and grabbed Rachel by the arm to drag her inside. "Randy, get lost. Go get Todd and don't come back until you've got him." To Rachel he continued, "You didn't know those guys. They were harmless."

"Didn't you even hear what they were trying to do?!" Rachel demanded. "Look, Eric, I get they were your friends, but they were also a bunch of rapists! Or would have been if James hadn't outed them." She blinked back some tears, not for the first time since she'd let Eric bully her into giving him James' name. "I never should've told you it was him," she said. "But you know, if you cause any real trouble, I could rat you out too!"

"And let Student Affairs know you gave out private information to a fuck-up like me?" Eric smirked. "Not to mention losing your source? You aren't going to say anything, girl, you know that. Now sit down."

Rachel looked tempted to kick him in the balls; but she did sit down.

Moments later, Randy arrived at the door with Todd in tow. Looking bewildered but pleased to be summoned to the floor outlaw's room, Todd grinned at Eric, who was standing over the dilapidated couch where Rachel was looking up at him with a guilty smile of her own. "Eric?" he said. "Randy says you need help with your French homework?"

"French?!" Eric demanded of Randy in an incredulous tone. "Dude, I've never studied French in my life. Couldn't you have come up with something better than that?!"

Randy shut the door and locked it. "Does it matter? He's here, isn't he?" He stood guard inside the door, and smirked triumphantly at Tood when he turned to look at him.

"What's going on?" Todd sounded more confused than scared.

"The dipshit got one thing right, Todd," Eric said. "I do need help. Not with homework. With your friend James."

"What about James?"

"You're going to help me with a harmless April Fool's prank," Eric said. "Or else."

"Or else what?"

"Or else your parents just might get a letter with some details about all those other guys I've seen coming in and out of your room all year. Are you out to your parents, Todd? You'll forgive me if I'm thinking not, coming from Utah."

"Out?!" Todd was incredulous. "Who says I'm gay?"

"Doesn't really matter," Eric said. "You're quiet, well dressed, artistic...no doubt your parents at least suspect it. Think you could convince them you weren't, even if you really aren't?"

Todd looked panicked, and Eric knew he had won. Randy burst into laughs. "If looks could kill..." he quipped.

"Shut up," Eric said. "Anyhow, Todd, I don't have to tell your parents anything. All I want is some help playing a trick on James."

Todd looked near tears. "What do you want me to do?"

"There's a girl he has a crush on," Eric began.

"I don't know who she is!" Todd protested. "I swear to God, I've asked him but he's never told me!"

"Calm the fuck down," Eric said. "I do know who she is. Sarah Martin."

"That explains a lot," Todd said. "He's always saying how she's way out of his league. He's right, she is."

"You know her, then," Eric said.

"No," Todd said. "But I've heard her name enough times to know what a big deal she is."

"That's even better," Eric said. "So she won't be suspicious when you go by her room."

"Why am I going to go by her room?"

"To talk to her, so you can imitate her voice. I know you can do that, Todd. Everyone here knows you can do that. Then you're going to call James, and --"

"Oh, nuts!" Rachel interrupted, and the three young men turned to see she had spilled a glass of water on herself. She jumped up, the water still dripping off her top and skirt, which were both soaked.

"Clumsy bitch," Eric grumbled.

"Sorry!" Rachel said. "My hand slipped, is all!" She went to Eric's closet and retrieved a t-shirt and pair of jeans. Then, in clear view of all three guys, she pulled off her wet clothes and even paused to smile at Todd in her bra and panties before putting on the dry ones. She also used the moment as an opportunity to observe a little something she was quite sure Eric would not notice.

"Don't you just love college, dude?" Randy asked Todd, also enjoying the view.

"Shut up," Eric snapped at him. To Rachel he added, "For fuck's sake, get your clothes on!"

"I am, I am," Rachel said, careful to hide the triumphant smile she felt like wearing along with her fresh clothes.

Eric turned his attention back to Todd. "As I was saying. You're going to learn to imitate her voice, and you're going to call James and make him think Sarah wants to meet him. I don't care where, just make sure it's somewhere there will be people around."

"Then what?" Todd asked.

"Then poor little James is going to go there and make a fool of himself trying to find her, and maybe even ask some of her friends where the fuck she is, and be totally defeated. Then a few days later you're going to call him again and demand to know why he didn't show up, and set a new date with the same result. And then you're going to tell him it was you all along."

"But he's a friend, and he'll hate my guts! And rightly so!" Todd looked to Rachel hoping for some sort of support, but all she offered him was a sympathetic look.

"And if you don't, your parents just might disown you," Eric said. "Which would you rather have to cope with?"

"You asshole." Todd was near tears.

"He deserves it," Eric said, ignoring the insult. "All the men on campus will thank you, Todd."

"Not James!"

"All but James. Now you can go -- Randy? Open the door -- but you'd better come back here and make that call before Wednesday. Do I make myself clear?"

Todd looked defiantly at Eric, then at Rachel, who looked like she wanted to get them both out of the room but again said nothing, and turned to go.

Two afternoons later, Todd stood dejectedly in Eric's room with Eric watching him from the couch. "Hello, James?"

"Yes?"

"This is Sarah."

"Oh! Uh...hi! How are you?"

"I'm fine, thanks. Listen, I want to meet with you this week. Tomorrow, if you have time, at the library."

"Well, sure, I'd love to! But...what's up?"

"I'm working on a project for women's studies. But...but it involves interviewing guys, too. I want to talk about your adventure last fall."

"Wow, you heard about that? Oh, of course you did, you were in the feminist alliance. But I never saw you at any of the meetings."

"I'll explain all that tomorrow. How about one-thirty at the library?"

"Sure! I'll see you there!"

"Good. Then it's a date."

"A date! Geez, don't tease me!"

"Oh, I wouldn't do that, James. See you tomorrow?"

"Of course! Yeah. Bye for now, then."

"Bye!"

As soon as Todd had hung up, Eric burst into applause. "Well done, sir," he said.

Todd looked ready to throw up. "Now how do I know you're not going to say anything to my family?"

"Honor among assholes," Eric said. "Now get the fuck out of my room. I'll call you when I need you again."

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1

As the appointed hour approached, James could scarcely keep his mind on anything. Nevertheless, he forced himself to sit down and study for the hour or so between lunch and the meeting. Along the way he managed to memorize more of his notes from that morning's biology lecture than he had expected; but every factoid of plant taxonomy was interspersed with the joy of at long last looking in Sarah's eyes and chatting comfortably with her and, just maybe, someday soon being able to refer openly to her among all his friends -- not just Brandy.

The afternoon was warm with the early hints of spring, and there ground was as damp with melting snow as the sky was bright. James shared in the promise of it all in every way, feeling positively giddy behind his taciturn appearance, his heart flying like it used to back in middle school when a cute girl touched his hand or looked enviously at his test grades. Halfway to the library he saw Laura Tompkins leaving her dorm. Remembering her comment at the party, he made a point of smiling and waving at her. "Hi Laura!" he said, cringing internally at how silly he sounded.

She didn't mind. "James!" She bounded down the steps and greeted him with a kiss on the cheek. "You look happy!"

"I am!" He wondered if she -- and the rest of the women on the track team -- knew why.

If so, she didn't let on. "Well, that's good...had a good exam or something, did you?"

"Better than that," he said with a grin. "If you haven't heard...well, you probably will soon."

"I'd better! Listen, James, it's so nice to have you greet us now for a change. Good for you for coming out of your shell."

"Thanks," James said. "I guess I've been helped out of it this week."

"Oh, all we did was ask why you didn't say hi more often!" Laura said. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad or anything."

So she really didn't know, James mused. "I know you didn't, Laura. Thanks. It's just -- a guy like me, sometimes you have to remind me not to get lost in my own little world, I guess."

"That's sweet. So where are you off to?"

"To the library, to meet...someone." James felt his face curl into a grin he couldn't hide.

"Someone special? No wonder you look happy!"

"Yes, someone very special, I think!"

"Well, don't let me stop you. Good luck!" Laura surprised him with a quick hug, and then was off up the pathway towards the arts building.

"Thanks," James said, enjoying the further rush her touch had added to his already intense joy at what might lay around the corner.

He was nearly all the way to the library before it occurred to him that Sarah hadn't said where in the building to meet him. Fortunately, it was a small library for a small college, only four floors, and she wouldn't be on the top floor if she wanted to talk to him -- no one ever went up there unless they wanted dead silence. The basement was the likeliest place with its several conference rooms and the lobby where people often went for studybreaks. But James elected to begin his search on the first floor, with its many group-study tables and reasonably high tolerance for quiet chatting.

After a quick look at the newspaper and magazine section just inside the door proved fruitless, James made his way methodically along each row of tables on the first floor, careful along the way to be discreet and pretend to be looking for a book. There was no sign of her in the first two rows. But as he turned the corner into the third, the lovely eyes and lush hair he had come to be so good at envisioning were holding court at a table halfway down the aisle. She was alone, of course, and concentrating intensely on the book before her, but that pert smile was still only just detectible in the serious environs.

His shyness wonderfully absent in the absolute certainty that he was welcome and expected, James strode confidently up to her table. "Hi, Sarah." He'd rehearsed those two little words a dozen times or more that morning, and they sounded acceptably sure-of-himself as he said them, setting his backpack down in the chair across the way from hers and then pulling out the one next to her to sit in.

Sarah looked up. "James! Hi! What a nice surprise! How are you?"

His heart still thumping like a drum, he said, "Fine, thanks, but I hope you're not too surprised!" Why shouldn't she have expected him to come when he'd said he would?

Sarah laughed -- a quiet, polite laugh, and a welcome one for James. "I'm sorry, James. It's just that you're so shy -- and that's fine! But it does mean we don't really expect you to greet us like this. It is a nice change, though."

James wasn't sure whether to be pleased or annoyed, but a bit of annoyance was worth a chance with Sarah! "Well, I did say I'd be here, didn't I?"

"Did you? That's great!"

"Well...didn't you..."

"James, relax!" Sarah took his hand in hers and clutched it in the most delightful way, causing him to forget all about his confusion for the moment. "I'm glad you said you'd be here, and I'm even more glad you stuck to that! After the chance you took last fall, I wouldn't blame you at all if you got cold feet about joining us. You've certainly done your part already. And by the way, I really hate what Gean's done to the club. Just imagine if we used her logic with all social justice movements -- only children could stand up for children's rights? That'd go over brilliantly, wouldn't it!"

James took her advice and relaxed. To prove it, he offered up a joke. "Or only animals for animal rights."

"Now you're talking!" Sarah laughed, a bit louder than last time; fortunately, most of the other tables in their row were empty. With a contented sigh, she added, "Oh, it's wonderful just to talk to you like this, James. So many times at track practice I've remembered that one time we talked and that was so nice, but nothing since then. Then when I found out you were also the hero of, you know, last fall...wow! It just seemed all too fitting that it'd be a guy like you who'd pull that off."

"I really enjoyed that conversation, too," James said, feeling another wave of shyness but doing his best to overcome it. He was now more thrilled than ever.

"I'm so glad to hear that! It was really sweet, one of those times you come away feeling like you've made a new friend, only we never got to talk again after that. I always wondered why, James...I hope I didn't say anything that rubbed you the wrong way that night?"

"No!" James blurted out. "Absolutely not! I loved it too! I just figured it was..." He took a deep breath and reminded himself to look in her eyes. "I learned a rather painful lesson last semester about gender differences, is all. For us guys, a conversation like that is so...rare, that we can make that kind of connection with someone we've just met. It almost feels intimate, you know? But for women, it's just the way they relate to their friends, no big deal. It's all too easy for a guy to overestimate the whole thing."

Sarah was skeptical but not unkind. "Let me guess: the person who taught you that was a man, wasn't he?"

"As a matter of fact, it was not only a woman, but a woman that I made that exact mistake with. Last semester. We had some wonderfully long, super-honest talks, and I fell in love with her and I was sure it must be mutual. But it wasn't, and she was shocked I'd ever even thought of such a thing!" James remembered to smile; no use looking bitter over Brandy now that all that was in the past.