All Comments on 'Wheeling Park Ch. 13'

I've been straddling the fence on whether or not I liked this series but I guess I've finally come around. A bit bogged down in detail early on when groundwork was laid (I shouldn't complain, I like reasons for the action taking place) but even my considerable patience was wearing thin. I'm still not too nuts about the character of Olivia, she runs hot and cold a bit too much, but over all she turned out pretty good. I feel bad for Jarid, he has all the issues Trudy and Jen do, plus his social disability then gets all this responsibilty handed to him. It seems to me nobody ever took into consideration he might have some feelings too. That being said, when the sex finally started it was HUGE! And it did have a happy ending, which I always like. I hope I don't sound like I am being critical because I don't mean to be, and I respect the fact that you wrote the story the way YOU wanted it. Ultimately, five stars and very positive comments for you. Please keep writing, you are a very talented author. Max052.

Let me be the first to congratulate you on this story.I was hoping after the way the last chapter ended that there would be many more.I'm sure there are many more topics that you could of hit on especially the way you went into detail on some of your other chapters.I'm glad you had as many chapters as you did. I hope you will continue to tell the story ... Thanks....

I was very much on board with this story, up until this final chapter. I gave you a 5, because i think your writing is superb, in terms of the way you build characters and really flesh them out. So many stories have characters that have the potential to be interesting, but end up being one dimensional because the author is more concerned about writing a sex scene than creating a lasting character. I suppose that's not terribly important in a short or one off story, but in this type of long piece, I think its incredibly important to provide development. Your main characters are superbly laid out, their motivations and thought processes are clear, and they do, in a sense, jump off the page.

I've also enjoyed the pace you set. I think you did an excellent job stretching out action across each chapter, balancing the erotic aspects with the purely dramatic aspects, and being careful not to do too much at one time. I think that is a trick done especially well in the development of the relationship between Jarid and Olivia. If there is one problem here its that you started to create a storyline with Jarid and Trixie early on, and then completely abandoned both that story line and that character. She was interesting, and i think would have been useful as a way to provide outside perspective on the developing relationships between Olivia, Trudy, Jen, and Jarid.

And then we have this last chapter. In a way, i wish you'd have ended it with the 12th chapter, with them leaving the park and riding happily into the sunset. Everything that happens here seems to happen all at once, and all for no particular reason. Jarid leaves (and that part was unclear until Olivia came to retrieve him) with only a cursory explanation as to why, and you don't even touch how that changes the family, how it affects the women. You brush past it, but the earlier development that you showed in the early chapters was lacking here, and it was missed. To be bluntly honest, this chapter feels like you had the scene with the father laid out in your head for awhile, and you've been trying to find a place to use it, so you dropped it in here and threw together some supporting bits around it.

Don't get me wrong, its a great scene, and i think the dialogue is very sharply written. But i think there were other places to do this scene in the story, ways to write it in where it would have felt more organic. For instance, you could have done a bit where he gets curious as to where they've gone for the summer and ends up tracking them to the town. or where he confronts them at home right after they get back, wondering what they did with his RV all summer. As I think about it, that last notion would have set you up to do an extended bit with the kids going to school, Jarid growing more upset as time goes on with the confrontation with his father, and then withdrawing. and then i think you have a more organic finale where the girls have to figure out how to win him back, how to get him to return permanently.

Overall, despite my musings, i think the story is a 5. it is, for the vast majority, extremely well written and a pleasure to read. I haven't read your other work yet, but i'll be giving it a try!

I was left waiting for each chapter. A great story. As mentioned in an earlier comment I do feel the last chapter let it down, it felt as though you were rushing to bring it to an end. However in time you can always go back and rewrite it.

Well done you got a 5 from me.

I must admit this is a favourite of mine, only wished it went longer.

I don't have the eloquence to state everything I felt about this story, and I was so lost on much of the mind games involved that I resigned myself to just reading and hopefully picking up what the fuck was going on.

So that said, it was a f#@king brilliant story, and I hope to god everything turns out well in your life so you can provide us with another blindingly awesome series.

This is my first 5 rating... how could I not give this a 5? It had it all. The sex scenes were great... fab story build up... excellent character development... not too long to become repetitive or boring... gosh, I could go on further, but I think you get the picture. I surely do hope that you are sharpening your talents for something more lucrative and serious. You have a talent that should not be squandered... but in the meantime ; ) ... GET BUSY WRITING ANOTHER FOR US !!

i like your writing but dont like olivia character and how u handle it.if u started mind games then u should finish it that way.and u should end story by deciding who have an upper hand,

First I would like to Thank The author for a wonderful and well written story!! You held my attention throughout, with only one question, which will be posed later!!

As for Rob's comments, most were well written and stated, but He seem to have failed to think before He wanted to have the "Dad Confrontation" occur as they arrived home!! As being stated earlier, Dad was trying to be "Studly" and had no intentions of anything but financial contact with his "First Family" It was only after he became aware of a possible Lesbian relationship that he felt his Manhood impuned, and had to take action!! Baaaaad Mistake on his part, because he was exposed for the twit that he actually was, and it didn't take much to do it!!

My question is "Whether or not Jarid, Jen, Trudy and Liv were able to uphold their promise of 4 person exclusivity, when they returned to The Park, which it sounded like was going to happen during the next couple of weeks with the Skiddoo Trip, and of course there is the possibility that summers were spent there, since the story jumped to 2 year later at the Olympics" My hope is that they did maintain those promises, despite all of the temptation available at the Park, which would serve to make the Love and Relationship Stronger!!

Great Story, Very Well Done!!

Everything leading up to this point was fantastic, but as others have pointed out, this chapter was a bit of a letdown. Perhaps you could write a continuation and give us all a little more closure? There are so many possibilities moving forward from here that it leaves the reader wondering, "okay, what now?"

it kept me coming back for more. I like the character development and the reality of the conversations.

I absolutely Love this story, Couldnt stand to wait to reead more of it!!! Olivia was AWESOME, Jen Fabulous mom was hot and Jar was Great!!!! I WANT MORE STORIES FROM YOU!!!!!

I often had trouble with who was narrating at some points but the story was one o really enjoyed. You had a personal story and mixed that with the intimacy and turn that around to gang sex, loved it. Olivia ing fab character.

That was a great read. I read it from start to finish.

Great story and really hot sexy parts as well. It has just about everything in it.

Excellent.

Thanks

I agree I dont really want this to be the end... I think we could have some more in betwene the two years or after the game. I want to see them work through it....

Have to agree with the others. This has so much potential for more. Great banter, great characters and just such a fun ride. You can't just stop now. Jarid character is my favorite and deserves continuation. It would be great to read more of him with Jen .

You write him to be a man but then make him bitch up all the time . He was his fathers son and the dyke Olivia is a cunt. She needs to get the shit kicked out of her. You suck in face of the psycological writing.

yet another great story from Ameaner. like all the others the storyline itself is interesting enough that one almost wants to skip through the sex scenes to get to more plotline.... I said almost, this is Literotica after all. ;) really great characters, interesting and engaging, I can't help wishing that Jared wasn't such a whiny self involved twit but than if he wasn't we would lose the necessary friction in the situation. I'm sure that others disagree but I think I would have liked a more gradual change in attitudes of the women throwing themselves into the wheeling park bacchanalia. it just seemed at times like the water had to be spiked with roofies in order for two women who had had no real sexually adventurous histories to suddenly throw themselves into orgiestic abandon at the drop of a hat.

Average incest/taboo stories OFTEN only deal with the issue of morals and uses CLICHE characters (ex: Perfect Sisters, Normal average brother). While your story has characters with their own problems, emotions, conflicts and you weave them in such away that [quoting an earlier comment] you would want to skip the sex to only read the plot. Example would be I wanted to know how Jarid would deal with his problems so I skipped most paragraphs just to know what happened next. I greatly enjoyed this story and This story will be one that I'll remember for life. I still could remember the great stories I read on literotica from three to five years ago

what the fuck, i had to skip whole chapters because the olivia cunt ruined it. as if jarid would let some women cunt ruin his shit and make out he's the bad one.

worst story ever.

An impressive achievement to say the least. You managed to tell an actual story in a category that usually lacks the determination to do so. One of the most important aspects is how you managed to bookend it with chapters that lacked the lurid details of many efforts, but also remained compelling because of the characters and circumstances. My only gripes are minor details relating to psychology. Jarid is not antisocial, which is characterized by "...a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood."(wikipedia.org) but more accurately described as asocial, "an inability to 'empathise', to feel intimacy with, or to form close relationships with others."(also the wiki;) These discrepancies aside, the achievement of creating compelling characters that happen to have incestuous relationships instead of shoehorning incestuous characters into a mildly compelling story is something to marvel at. I applaud you and your creation Ameaner.

Great story, as to anonymous who criticised you-how come it took 13 chapters, about 40 pages to realise you did not like it

I have to say I enjoyed reading your story but I have to comment on how crappy you where to Jar's character. What this really boiled down to was a long series of stories about how he was eventually broken down to accept incest etc. That being said, it was a fun read for the most part. I gave it 4 stars because of how fun it was, because it had really hot sex scenes etc. I would just caution you to be fairer to all your characters next time around.

First off, Ameaner, if you were to come back with more of anything, I'd lap it up hungrily. I've enjoyed all your stories and the depth you seek to get your readers involved.

Quibbles I have are

1) it seems that sometimes you tell the reader something (say, a character trait) but it isn't really demonstrated. I never really got Jarid's ability to manipulate and be the dominant one until this final chapter, though the four way relationship was dependent on that trait.

2) the final chapter with dad was bizarre, specifically from the POV that runaway dad feels like he can bring new wifey (with baby on board) and reinsert into their lives on Christmas without repercussions? He may be an idiot but I think it was a stretch that he'd be that stupid.

3) there are some places where the reader has to be careful because of missing punctuation in dialogue. In this story, because of different POVs of first person, it can be confusing.

Despite that and some other plot advancement concerns , I couldn't stop reading and you have definitely had an impact on how I deal with my own stories.

much truth and reality that's very very scary...well done!

What a story true/ or not is was great i think the end was one of the best i have seen in a long time.

I love the whole thing either way thank you

Robert

That was some beautiful writing. I'm blown away and grateful. This is what I'd always like to read on this site, but you are a rarity, here: an experienced writer with a filthy mind. Trixie was my favorite character. I wish she and Jarid had got it on; but I wasn't really disappointed. I'm sure you realize that this story could have had ten more chapters and lost nothing, as long as you kept investigating all those interesting characters. Part of me wishes you had, but this is only the first story of yours I've read. And I'll be reading all of them. Whooo!!!

Great ending!

I wanted and tried to stop reading this saga, I truly did. It wasn't the best that I've read but it WAS pretty compelling. One note: I didn't like Olivia very much. Not sure why but I just didn't like her. I gave this a 4 but a 4.5 is more in line with my liking the whole story.

.....Olivia is a secret Burchell.

'nuff said.

Another Ameaner winner. That man can write!

I read this the first time 2 yrs ago...

I still don't like Olivia even though the writer tried to make her a 'good guy' at the end.

I think this story should have been great. If Olivia came in later, or was not the instigation of the incest that the author made her out to be then it would have been great, but having her as the catalyst and the driving force behind shoving Jared (kicking and screaming, so to speak) out of his comfort zone and basically taking his free will from him and manipulating everything for good , or ill, just down graded the entire tale. The way she's described (her actions) she's a predator basically a pedophile only the twin's are 18, but just as easily groomed and molested, and the mom was an easy mark emotionally too. I mean I get where the author wanted it to go. you get the mom and Olivia together and then you get the twins together and so Jared can supply the cock to all the women and everyone is happy with out anyone from the outside to take anyone of the 4 of them from each other... It's a good idea just poorly executed if you read the comments about Olivia.